Saturday, December 26, 2009

loves :)

I'm so in love with this wonderful guy :)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Of You. Of Me.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I hope it's not too late to wish everyone a very happy new year (1431H.) All of sudden I feel nostalgic and guilty and happy at once. To reflect back of all my deeds this year, I must say that I should apologize to this someone whom the heart was broken. I am sorry for everything that I have done to you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's not you, it's all me that I have decided on which path I am going to take, which life I am going to live, with whom I am going to spend my whole life with (if God wills) and too bad Andres, it's not you. I am deeply sorry for that. I wish we still can be friend. I'd love to have a very good friend like you. On the other hand, I am terribly happy that my life now is perfectly perfect that I have people who love me all around me. And it feels so good that I would not even care of anything else because I know I am going to have supportive people to get me through if ever I hit the ground, I could not care less of whatever disaster that may come across my way.

Ok, let's get down to my core business here that is to reveal (what? reveal? pardon me, my choice of words today is getting poorer. sometimes I think I've lost my sense.) a little bit of my activities that filled my holiday (which will end pretty soon, my god!) and I think pictures may help me do the talking.

OK, these above pictures were taken when mommy, daddy, my lil sister and I roasted the catfish at granny's place (tepi stor, port memasak ketupat rendang dan juga lemang time raya) The first picture is of course of my mommy and daddy and the second one is the not-yet-roasted-catfish. It's finger licking good, I tell you.

These above pictures on the other hand were taken when we went for a trip organized by UMNO. I happened to replace a place of a member who couldn't make it last minute. Therefore, I consider myself lucky because it's free that I don't have to pay even a penny. The first picture was taken on top of the Menara Taming Sari while the second picture was taken when I was on top of the Eye On Malaysia with mommy and my little sister. We went for boat-riding along Malacca River too but I didn't take any picture because I was just too busy listening to the explanation given by the tourist guide of the historical buildings that can be seen along the way and the experience is valuable; it made me proud to be Malaysian.

These are pictures of my friends (ehem) and I when we were out for movie trips (notice the "S". We just love watching movies. Movies that we find interesting jelah, of course, like Couples Retreat, The Princess and The Frog, and a lot more. Santau pun I layan haha. But Phobia 2 is the eeriest, spine-chilling movie for this year over. The ending was unexpected and fantastic I'd say.), out for sight-seeing the town, window shopping at the Jonker Walk, and of course while our coffee-break time. I wish not to put more pictures because I am not going to transform this blog into a photoblog. Lols.

Apart from those happy moments, I have experienced living without mommy (that practically made me an orphan. And disabled.) because she was away for a week the other day and yeay, (oh no!) I had to cook for my family! Guess what I'd prepared for them? The all-time-favorite that is of course my lovely Sambal! Everyday pun sambal. Sambal sotong, sambal udang, sambal ayam, sambal sardin, sambal telur that made my little brother and little sister felt so stressed out. But what do I do? That's the only food on earth I am capable (and ahem, expert. note the word people, mark the word.) to prepare. Well at least they didn't die out of hunger, no? Should I put pictures of food that I'd made? Yes? No? Better not to la kan. Hehs.

One more thing, I've cut my hair off, meaning that I have a super short hair cut. And the good thing is I am not blonde anymore and my parents are so relieved that the colored hair is gone now. Sobsob. I wish I could stand the pressure and the urge inside of me (syaitonirrojim neyh.) of getting my hair colored forever. Amin.

The result was officially announced last week and alhamdulillah, I've made it to practicum. I thought I'm going to fail a few subjects but I was so lucky that I didn't fail and manage to proceed to the next level. Last semester was the toughest semester of all, I would say, considering of the situations I've been in and through. And it's agreeable by my fellow third-year teslians that semester six is the hardest so far. Speaking of practicum, it takes my breath away to think of what might happen and how am I going to survive when teaching is not my passion. I still have the list of "Things that I fear from practicum" that my Classroom Management lecturer asked us to list it down with me and they are unfortunately still the things that I fear. I wonder how do I teach a language. It's not Science nor Maths, it's English Language for God's sake! It freaks me out even more to realize the fact that my future students are all beyond the critical period, meaning that the ability for them to absorb the language had decreased unless they are already proficient. And I got to know from one of my lectures that the ability and time of acquisition of each student are unique. Ahmad who is a form one student  might be able to learn and master Present Tense on January 15, while his classmate Ali will not master it on that day and Ali might possibly master it when he reaches fourteen. I forgot the name of the theory but yes, that's one of the theories that linguists proposed. How do I survive? How am I possibly teach each student with different topic accordingly if I were to consider the theory and how do I know who will be able to learn what topic at a specific time? I am dead meat, can't you see? And one more thing, we are still waiting for the list of school we are going to be posted to and it gives me goosebumps to think of where I might be sent off, be it a school where everyone speaks English all their life or a school where English is an alient language. And I don't drive, therefore, how am I going to get myself to school? I am a person with full of questions. Yours, till my questions answered.

[p/s: I am so excited that blogspot allows me to cross out words. I think it's a new application as I noticed at the above box. I feel so high-tech! And it's cool! Weehoo!]

Monday, November 30, 2009

Here and There, Coffee and Tea, You and Me. Oh I am so happy!

Hello beautiful and handsome. Starting dah bodek. Haha. I've seen this phrase somewhere, can't recall where somehow. So, how's everyone? I've just got back from a one-week course for my pre-practicum. It usually starts a week before we go for our practicum but this semester it started a little bit earlier, I don't know why, don't ask me. This course had given me a lot of inputs be it on the real scenarios at school as well as the profession itself. Teaching is a noble profession by all means, no doubt. However, teaching is still not a passion for me, as for now. Worse, I found it's kinda torturing me to know that I am to abide by the verdict of the profession saying that females are not allowed to wear pants to work and I know some might say "what's the problem then? just do not wear it! you're not gonna die, anyway." oh yes, of course I'm not gonna die but I have this one weird dream (or so some say) that I'd like to wear suit to work. I know I'm impossible, you don't have to repeat me. But hey, that's my dream, honestly, and my best cousin said that it's OK to have this kind of dreams. Well, I have an approval, at least. And I believe I have a right to dream for what I wanna wear, whom I wanna be with, etc. It's my life anyway.

I've been at home for one week now and the break is officially on since then. Throughout this one week, I've been busy catching up with friends and loved ones here in my hometown. I went out for almost everyday and I totally like it. It's good to be with people you love and people who love you back, enough said. So, the list goes now.

  • Watched 2012 on Friday,

  • A Christmas Carol on Sunday,

  • out for kueh udang on Monday I think, (ye ke? or Tuesday?)

  • Wednesday was our ranger day out, (We went out for lunch and spent time doing recreational activities like canoe-ing, cycling and paddle boat-ing though we didn' wear proper attire for such activities and it was enjoyable. I'll upload a picture of us that was taken before we departed home. More pictures will be uploaded later because it's with Mimi darling. *kalau rajin hahaha* I thought of creating a photoblog to keep all my photos saved, so if my computer breaks down or if any unwanted thing happens, I'm gonna have all of them saved here.) 

credit to ninie. n ira n udin too. adik-adik were entertaining. very. tq!

  • Thursday I stayed home, acted like a goodie-goodie person doing house chores (of course la because Friday's raya kan. cuma A and H jek yang nakal apakah kuar jalan-jalan balik rumah makan tiga jenis ayam. oppss did I say it out loud? Pardon me :-" )

  • Friday again I watched Ninja Assasin,  (Yes I know It's eid. This year was the first time ever that my family and I celebrated it at home because granny's admitted to the hospital and it was boring because not so much people left here. Balik kampung they off. So that evening I went out for movie and a cup of coffee together with my favorite toast and it really made my day of course. Tq darling for your company. Everytime pun it's your companion I have. Thank you Thank you Thank you.)

  • Saturday's supposedly meant for a  meeting-up session with friends for tea but had to cancel it due to a surprise visit for granny. Off to KL we went.

  • And just now we went out for coffee and I refused to further explain boleh kan? :P

You see, I have a beautiful life now. I refuse to think of all the stupid things that keep on bothering me. I want to retreat and rejuvenate myself. Toxics please stay away from me. Pretty please. To all the love in the world, thank you for keeping me accompanied. I really appreciate your existence :) Thank God to let me live happily up to this very moment. (despite all the bad deeds that I have done) Because my lecturer said it's hard to see people happy nowadays and he advised us not to ruin other's happiness, just let them be happy, and you go find yours. So, despite the downfall of the economy, global warming and all problems that interfered, I wish everyone happiness that long last.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Comeback. For Good.

Heyya people. It's been soooooooo long that I have not posted anything in here. Now I am back! It's still the same old me, with the same old look, (but not that pathetic anymore, at least not for now lah kan. Eheh) the one who would always have bad luck to have the HONOR to see people in the next car next to her picking their noses and she swears to dear god that's sooooooo gross! Euww (Suddenly I remember about an incident last week when I was waiting for my burger at a stall nearby, I saw a man picking his nose and I was almost thrown up! Oh please, boleh tak pick nose dlm toilet sorang-sorang kalau nak? (oh,,and please jangan lupa cuci tangan kasi bersih.) Geli tahu tak?

Ok Ok I am off topic now. Truth is, I miss blogging to hell, I miss visiting my blog list, and now I am left far far behind, of you people's updates. Pardon me for being soooo into my studies *puke puke to infinity* haha. I have got a lot to tell, mind you, it's really a lot, but I am still in my examination week, but still I want to post on things, so no choice except to cut the stories into pieces la, to make it short. Hehs. Good news, I've got a new computer! My daddy cool bought it for me. And it was a surprise! Terima kasih abah! I went back to my hometown a few days before raya to find out that a new computer was ready to serve me. Cool, huh? Actually my brother had called me earlier la, telling me that daddy called him asking about computer bla bla bla and he told me not to be a drama queen, not to cry-out-of-happiness sort of things, you know, and I was like “whatever” because I thought he was just teasing me. He loves to tease me anyway. That's his number two hobby I suppose. Loser! Haha. And then everyone in the house started to claim that they had contributed in influencing daddy to buy the computer. But I guess mommy was the one, because she told daddy that I was crying over it day and night (oh-so-crazy la) because my little sister and little brother told her that I was really crying when they read my last post (oh-so-crazy-little siblings-i-have.) Anyways, I have got a new one now, and it saved me lotsa time! Thank god. Thank you abah. Thank you emak. Thank you everyone, for making my life sooo great. And my hari raya was fun too, as always.

I headed a very hectic life this semester. I got the chance to do observation in school and it was enjoyable. Poorly, teaching still is not a passion for me, but I think I can cope with the students (at least with those I observed) because I saw my brother and sister in them. OK, I am being quite irrelevant here as my team mates said, but they were all young and funny and cute and entertaining to me. I wish I am going to have funny-but-brilliant students when I do my practicum next semester. I wish. Would you like to see my wish list for practicum? Oh surely not because I can guarantee you that would be deadly boring. Yawn.

This semester too, I did learn from my mistakes about life. The more I think of life, the more I understand that life is not that bad. It's just how you want to live it. And I think life is all about making choices. It's all about to be or not to be. It's all about to do or not to do. It's all about you and the options your have. And the choices are all yours. And I have decided on major things in my life. I want to be happy. And I am not going to look back anymore, it's final. All these while I have been wasting my time on wrong persons, wrong things, wrong paths. Now that I realized about it, I don't want to get wasted anymore. Thank god for making me realize. I actually have given it several thoughts before I jumped into decision-making. And I pray to god that all the decisions I made were the best for me. And for you, too. Like I always said, I don't want to waste my time on cheap men and rough wine. That's my favorite quote all my life. I know I sounded like "macam-bagus-sangat" but if you know me well, then you would understand why. I am just being me.

Ok now I sound old and boring. Boo. Guess what sexy people, I went out for a concert last Saturday and it was cool because we got The All American Rejects to perform! And you know that's one of my favorite band, don't you? And I bet everybody knows how cool they are, right? So, where do I start? It was raining, you can see there were raindrops on my tudung. We arrived there a bit late that day, therefore we had to line up for an hour I think but still we managed to fake smiles. I'm putting pictures as proof. Hehs. Oh I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you, you wanna touch me too is an addiction la. Swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crushed by a former love is my all-time-favorite. So does dirty little secret. and move along. and it ends tonight. and straightjacket feeling. and gives you hell. God, they rock, I just love their music! And Tyson too. Though he's kinda weird as all can see. Eheh. Overall, the concert was fine. Hell G-R-E-A-T I mean! :P But deep inside me, I was feeling guilty actually, I was thinking of lotsa things and partly because my aunt, uncle and cousin are doing ibadah in makkah and here I am attending a concert? Like “what?” But bagi chance la dekat I kan, once in a while to go out and have fun. Kan? Hehs.

Ok it's three in the morning and I think I have to stop now. In short, my life went well up to this very moment. Though I fucked up in my micro teachings, though I did not do well in my assignments, though I did not manage to answer my exams, though I broke hearts, I am still glad that now I have people in my life who would love me just for what I am. I am not the best student, neither I am a rich girl, nor a pretty one, I admit it, but I am having all the love in the world with me now that I don't have to impress nor convince anyone that I am a super great person to reserve me the right to be loved and I am thankful enough for that. Thank you.

[you can click on the image to get a larger image you know? And I just knew it and I think I was such a pain in the ass! oppss. please God stop my swearing habit. haha. poor me la. and one more thing. it's so amazing to discover that my-little-year-three-cousin has a facebook account. so do my other little cousins. and they were interacting with each other like adults did! they were engaging themselves with things i have never heard of in my entire 23 years of life and wow, i think that's fast and pretty cool, even i couldn't catch up so well with technology . or maybe i was just too slow and not cool? ouh the torture of technology. ]

[p/s: was it really long i have not logged in, long enough sampai banyak features dalam blogspot ni dah berubah? and i'm kinda lost here. how do i put colors to my words? how do i change the alignment? how do i choose the font? help! help!]

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Dugaan Bulan Ramadhan

7.15 p.m.
It's raining heavily outside. I have got absolutely nothing to eat. My computer is not functioning and I can't afford to buy a new one and nobody seems to care. Bagi sikit simpati pun dah cukup, I am not asking for more. I am emotionally abused. I have got nobody to go to, nobody to talk to, and absolutely nobody cares about me, not even the person that used to be sooo in love with me. That includes Andres as well. I don't get a single message through my phone and I think I'm going to throw them away soon, very soon, no kidding. I have got fuckload of assignments to be done, together with the tests, not to mention the presentations and those are torturing enough. I have got snobbish classmates who downgraded my friend and I and the humiliation was unbearable. [To the snobbish classmates, though you are among the dean's list students, that does not reserve you the right to underestimate other people. Orang lain pun dapat dean's list jugak, tapi tak berlagak pun macam kau. Nanti kalau tiba-tiba tuhan tarik balik nikmat bijak yang Dia bagi kat kau, baru kau tahu. Bila kami tanya kau face to face, kau buat-buat baik pulak. You suck million times, I am telling you now, bitch. You've lost my respect. I have failed the test by saying this in the month of Ramadhan, I know.] I simply had lost my patience and my sanity. I lost my appetite too, I hardly eat these days. I am in tense, I don't get enough sleep, stupid pimples keep growing on and on and on and it's painful, dark circles are now visible, I am feeling under the weather; having flu and cough and mild fever and people keep on giving me hard times. I am sick and tired of all these. Now that I wish I could vanish just like that. Tuhan tolong ampunkan Syahirah. But these are too much.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Holla everyone! I'm home! Yeay! It feels soooooooo good to be home. I have got a lot to tell but I am extremely sleepy now :( So good night. And do not forget to recite your niat. Happy fasting everyone :)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Very Quick Update

Heyya. U know what, I forgot my password! Ah-ha! No kidding! I was visiting my blog list and commenting on a few posts. To enable myself to comment, I am required to login and there I stumbled, desperately trying to recall my average-long password. I have to sit back and relax, only after a while I could remember it. Betapalah lamanya tak sign in. Haha. I'd love to blog, I'd love to read other's blogs but I hardly get the chance to online for blogging purpose. I realized that my life is fully occupied with tons of assignments now. I have very limited time to socialize. Kesian kan? So friends, janganlah kecil hati kalau lama saya tak melawat blog kamu ya. It's not that I forget or not interested in reading yours. Bukan. If I have free time, I will surely go and visit, promise.
[p/s: It's such a lonely day. Oh I hate this part. Isk.]

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Of The Happy Moments

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I last wrote in this blog. I think I have lost my flow of writing now and the thought of it is terrifying me. Neither I am implying that I have a flawless writing skill but at least I was able to sit and write out sensible thoughts (and sometimes my insane thoughts upon things too) before. I wanted to make a few posts earlier sharing my experience getting back to school but I was facing problem with the connection that has made me to wait like a week. Once it was fixed, another problem turned up, affecting my computer and until now it’s not fully fixed. Shit happens you see.
And now it’s already the third week of schooling. The classes are all OK. Though there are not so many students inside the class I am in now because there are a lot of rumors (obviously of the bad things) spreading about the lecturers whose teaching my class but I am so much engaged to my classes now because I have got to get more attention and I am pretty sure that the lecturers would remember my name by the end of the semester. I personally think that it is quite unfair to judge the lecturers when you have not even met them yet, to claim them to have certain manner merely based on people’s talking. Please do not get offended, this is just my personal opinion. This is my way of seeing things, as always. I would rather be in the class first, only then I would not feel guilty to rank them to be either nice or monstrous. And my judgment is subject to change from time to time depending on the treatment I am getting from them. Yes, I am difficult. Have not I told this earlier? But so far, the lecturers are all OK I would say. In fact, I have started to favor a few lecturers as they are all young and talented and knowledgeable and beautiful and they have the qualities that make them to be an effective lecturer. (Except for this one lady, it’s quite true that she’s some sort of strict and scary. Haha.)

I don’t want to give emphasis on the dark sides of happenings in my life. Yes there were several things that I don’t expect would turn to be like that but it turned out to be like that, and I could do nothing to fix it because there’s no way out of it, and I think it’s going to stay that way, no regret. I would rather put the memorable moments here. So far, I am coping quite well with studies. No doubt I have fuckload of assignments that have to be done in short time, I am done with two presentations, I am submitting one assignment as I write this and I am getting a foreign lecturer who has a beautiful British accent that makes me feel like studying abroad, being friends with Kate Nash (hey I love her songs and her accent. But it’s kind of hard to make the accent into practice as I had mentioned before) to replace my lecturer who went missing (hahaha) for maternity leave and she will only be back in September. Hahaha.

I have had a lot of fun too. My friends and I went to Genting Highlands and we got the chance to stay there one night. Thanks to Rain and Zul for the hotel treat. It was my second time to be there and my friends were being crazy pushing me to try almost all games there and I screamed as if I was going to die when I got onto that Cyclone and a few other games and it was fun. I have taken the chance to try go-cart-ing too and I was the last person to reach the final lap and I think it’s still impressive considering the fact that I have stopped driving like five years now. And should I add that I like the weather there. I think I really need to be abroad now. Everybody can dream as they say, right? Hahaha. Here I am going to include some pictures that were taken there. I also got my cousin accompanied to her friend’s wedding and I was dying to see her house is equipped with elevator. The family is so rich obviously. They got the Upin and Ipin mascot too because the father is the owner of that particular company. Cool, don’t you think? I also went out with my roommate and Andres some day around and both outings were great. Andres brought me to a place I have never been before and treated me nicely as always. We always try new things when we get together and that’s what I like about being with Andres. Thank you.

I think I’d better get going for my Human and Development class at 4.00 p.m. My aunt asked me to do her a favor by helping her to sell her baju kebaya that she bought in Jakarta and I think I am going to put the pictures of those kebayas here just in case you are interested in buying. The materials are very good and up-to-date and the price is affordable. I’ll put that later OK because I am running out of time now. Till then. Have a good day, people.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Is He Really Dead?

Eyy, what happened to Michael Jackson? Is he really dead? Though I am not a big fan, I only listen to several songs of him as a matter of fact, but I want to know if the news is real. I found this when I was meaning to check my emails. Shall we recite Al-Fatihah? As some say that he has converted to be a muslim with Mikail (or something like that la) as his name. If he has not, then just forget about reciting Al-Fatihah for him OK. May he rest in peace.

Shall We Dance? Because This Is Going To Be FUN!

Semester is scheduled to start like ten days from now. *sob* And so, I was checking on my timetable (aww, feel like I am back at school by mentioning the word "timetable") for next semester. And I was so gay, (oh puh-leeez) to be having to get up real early since my beautiful weekdays will be filled with morning classes. Never in my life I have been a morning person, please take a note and credit to me. And I am too delight *gasping for air* to mention that Tuesdays are going to be my luckiest day, considering the fact that I am going to have seven (I repeat, SEVEN) hours of class that day. Geeee, thanks! I wonder how do I fix the schedule, to make it more sane, or in other words;
  1. not to wake me up too early for classes,
  2. to have more free time, (OK OK, I know it is way too much to ask for.)
  3. or at least to have a more balanced schedule. Yes, I want a well-balanced schedule. So badly.

But I am going to like Mondays, considering the fact that I am going to have just a two-hour class which will start only at 5.10 p.m. Cool, isn't it?

[p/s: All of sudden, I am feeling nostalgic. And I do maths before I sleep. Therefore, I am a total freak!]

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Daddy Cool

First of all, I don't want you to think that I am complaining here. I am not. This is just a story that I feel like sharing at the moment OK. No offense :D
Celebrating birthday, mother's day, father's day and things like that is not a practice in my family (or should I say mommy and daddy?) I don't know why. Oh how I always wish that we would celebrate those special days because it never fails me to feel a bit envious to see other people celebrating those special days with their families. Mommy always says that would not be necessary and I always protest saying that she has lack of sentimental values. So when come those days, I don't really know how to react. Basically, I will act normal; not that I don't care; how I wish (deep inside my heart) that we could celebrate it but nobody seems to care. I wish to change this situation, maybe once I am working. I am going to have my own money to spend for, I wish to treat mommy and daddy well of course for everyday of my life, and extra special for those special days with luxury and love. Not to forget, the siblings too.
My daddy is the coolest person I have ever known in this world. I have never been scolded, not even once in my entire twenty-three years of lifetime. Pukul lagilah tak pernah (note: I hate guys who hit. So much. I will never tolerate.) Even when I was acting real cranky. You see how cool is that? "My father is my survivor." I do still remember there was a time when I was little, I accidentally spilled a bowl of pudding made by mommy which was supposed to be presented to the guests who will come to our house that evening and my mommy was pissed off (yelah penat-penat buat pudding anak pegi tumpahkan pula) and so she was canning me. There came my daddy who saved me from being beaten. We (mommy, daddy, my little brother and I) were supposed to go watch a concert that night but because of the incident; that daddy was siding me, and kind of scolded her, (Oww, actually I don’t know how to term it, my father never rises his voice, but you know when you got him pissed.) mommy was sulking and refused to follow; end up I went there with my daddy. Just the two of us. Best jugak. Hehs :P

There were times when I’ve gone real bad and mommy punished me by locking me outside the house in the mornings, afternoons and even nights; daddy never fails to save me. (note: my mother is not an evil mother at all, just in case you start to have a wrong perception about her. I was a naughty girl when I was little. I pernah jek lastik kepala kawan sampai berdarah. You see how bad I was. Come mess with me, I dare you.)

I do still cherish the good moments with my daddy, when we play the video games together (my favorite game was Star Force or so it called; a spaceship which fights against the aliens. I was so much into the space back then, and still do. Maybe I should meet Sh. Muszaphar for a piece of advice. Hehs.) The time when we watch the WWE,( I adored braveheart, big daddy cool diesel, stone cold steve Austin, the rock, and a lot more.) Mac Gyver, Batman, Superman and Star Trek together. And the Incredible Hulk (I used to make fun of mommy, saying that she’s going to transform into that hulk once she gets angry. Haha. By the way, I fancy him. Or should I say ‘fancied’? I can't believe that I was following this series before when I watched it again now. How ridiculous this story could be, I have just realized.) And daddy will always allow me to go out with friends when mommy doesn't. I will always get my 'freedom' through my daddy. Hehs. Sorrylah emak. Jangan marah tau.
I used to go fishing with daddy too. (Jangan harap ah I nak jerit-jerit gedik kalau campak cacing kat I OK. Hehs.) Among the best times with daddy was when I was in primary school where my biggest fear was (and still) to cross the drain. There was a small drain in front of my class, so daddy has to hold and carry me into classroom every morning. All of my friends teased me, saying that I am a spoilt brat for that and I don’t even care; in fact, I was proud that my father loves me so much. Abah orang lain tak dukung pun anak dia kot. Haha. "Biarlah. Kau mesti jeles kan. Abah aku memang sayang aku." That was a smack the boys (budak perempuan bersopan sikit) got when they questioned the act. Maaflah kawan-kawan, but that's the fact :P Even until today, I still think that my friends were being jealous of me back then. Haha. And there was one time where the small bridge to cross the drain was disrupted, (this is about another drain outside the school, one which is way bigger) I was crying because I was too afraid to hop and cross it, so my friend had to go to my house and get my parents to come down to pick me up and carry me home after almost an hour I was stuck there. Silly! I will always break into a small smile once I pass through it. Amused by the thought of my childhood years. *smile* *smile*

There are so much more to mention of my happy moments with my father. If I am to list it down, I am certain it would take longer than an entry. I feel really awkward to be posting this (I've never expressed my heart for the family. Loser.) but I would really want daddy to know that even though I didn’t wish him “Happy Father’s Day” I do treasure all the moments of my life with him. Though my daddy doesn’t own a private jet to fly me to where ever place I want as I always dreamed, (sorrylah abah, anak berangan tanpa batasan. anak kan memang suka berangan.) though my daddy doesn't own a hotel to let me partying in, (abaikan abaikan) though my daddy doesn't rain me with million of ringgit, though my daddy doesn't even celebrate my birthday, that doesn’t fail him to be the best father in the world. I am grateful to be blessed with a super cool father who leads our wonderful happy family successfully. Happy Father’s Day, Abah. I love you so much. *sob*
[p/s: I think my sitemeter and a few other features like profile views are not funtioning anymore. I was not able to view the traffic quite sometime now. Plus my paragraphs will go wild everytime I click on that 'publish' button. So annoying. How do I fix it? Anyone? Thank you in advance. Or maybe I should just remove it. *mode: tertekan dengan teknologi* double shit. tripple sob. wuwuwu.]

Monday, June 22, 2009

Quick Update

Holla! This is going to be just a short and quick update from me, don't worry. I missed my blog's birthday! Hahaha. *straight face* Say happy birthday to the blog, everyone.
I tell you what, we (mommy and I) were nearly dead as our house was almost caught on fire yesterday afternoon. Mommy forgot that she was frying the fries, after quite sometime the pan was burning. I was shocked to death and mulalah panic attack and I screamed as if I saw a ghost. Don't blame me, it's my spontaneous act; it's either I'll be screaming with all my heart or I will stay still, and this time it's a scream. I do not wish to tell more of this because it freaks me out up to this very moment when it comes to roll back in my mind. This incident has made me thinking. I still have today when I can go teasing my siblings, ( hey I tease because I love :) ) get gossipy with friends, go outing with the darlings and do whatever I want to do but what about tomorrow? We will never know what will happen the next minute, hour or day. Therefore, I will try to make the best of what I have, I'll work harder this time, will be putting my full passion in everything I do. I do not want to have more upcoming regrets. Because life is short as they say but how 'short' is short, only God knows. Thank you Allah for giving us the chance to still be living.

I missed my second cousin's wedding too (whom I have known since I was thirteen. Have I ever told you that I got to know him from MIRC through SBP's channel? Speaking of that SBP's channel, it used to be my territory when I was in secondary school, I was a techno geek back then. Haha. We chatted like two years before we got to know that we are related; that he's my second cousin. It was the school break, and there I was, asking him about his plan for the school break. He said he's going to the granny's and I was asking him where on earth that would be and he gave me a word that made me fainted. It's "Krubong"; my kampung too. Funny, huh? We were close since then. And he's the second person that I know to have such a looooong name beside my cousin.) because daddy is not around. To abg zooul, congratulations on your wedding. May He bless you with happiness, amin. I missed the meet-up session with my best cousin too.
I missed quite a lot of things this week. But I have got a lot of good news too. And good news lagi banyak kot. Thank God. (That would be one of the reasons why I did not blog for these few days. Hehs. The toxicated side of me has been eliminated. Yeay! Haha.) Talking of which, I just want to get back to the "eight toxic behavior" thing since am and a few of my other friends were requesting me for the link. I have tried so hard to remember, I don't think this is the one, but I think this is quite similar to the one that I have had a quick glance at before. Please do not rate me into that "type one" OK. Hehs. Kindly visit:
Have a good day, people!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Oh-My-God! I have been abandoning my blog like a week now. The reason being, why I did not post anything since last week is that I am too lazy to write. Plus there's nothing much happened. No wedding to be attended. Ow, actually there was a very big thing but I wish not to discuss and I prefer to put that on a hold. I have crossed a page on yahoo about "eight toxic behavior" or something like that which discusses on eight kind of people that we should avoid to ensure that those toxic behavior will not give bad influence to us. I have not read the whole article but I don't want you to think that I am toxicated. Because I have been writing the sad moments of my life all this while, I wish this toxicated side of me did not give influence to your mood OK. It's not that I don't have happy moments in life; I have a lot of it, indeed. It's just that I would prefer to express the sadness within me; the happy thoughts are hard to describe; they are more than words I would say.

Well I seriously have nothing to bring up here. Everything goes on like before. I mean some of my dreams still come true, and some did not. I am still enjoying my holiday, still pampering myself with long sleep but not that deep ( I found out that my sleep is easier to be interrupted these days. Maybe because of a few things that have been rolling on my mind, or maybe just because I have had enough of it.) I still have high level of curiousity to know of how my future will be like, I do hate cockroaches, still. And I still adore the same American accent more (but still live in the middle of it; still being indecisive whether to adopt American accent which I have been adoring all my life, I do mean the rolling 'R' or British accent which appears to have higher prestige and which we were taught to be living with especially during foundation year. Or should I say I do not have the courage too? Ah speaking of accent, I have encountered a few situations where I have to repeat what I was saying twice because the two of us (speaker-listener) do not speak the same accent. Especially when it comes to the foreigner. Oh this is my secret activity that should not be exposed.) I think I should have decided by now, and shall I stick with it for the rest of my life, or until I get bored with the accent since I'll be going to do my practicum next year. I ought to make myself more intelligible and ehem, convincing. I should gain more confidence (ey, what's wrong with my keyboard? Some alphabets did not want to appear on the screen though I have been pressing on it with a great pressure. This simply pissed me off.)

Let's just cut it off, two days from now is going to be the first birthday of the blog. This blog was officially activated on June 19th, last year with its first welcome entry. I should start searching on beneficial themes to post on its birthday. I wish to make a post on that accent thingy later. Will be back, soon.

[p/s: I have activated my myspace back. Feel free to add me up. You know how to find me, don't you? Oh OK, you don't. Here I'll be.]

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I Would...

really appreciate if you could send me an email (it's free baby, it's free!) or an sms (this might cost you a penny or so) or even an offline message through the messenger (I don't mind getting more than one, however, it's my pleasure) saying at least a simple "Hi" (or something like that) or or and a quick update of what you are up to (shall I add if you have extra time to spend on me) and the three words (if you really mean it, for the deep impact) to me everyday, just so I know that you are still alive. It would really help to make my day. Don't you know that how much I hate to feel insecure? So, would you, please? Make me feel lucky, to be living in 2009, (not 1000 b.c.) with great technology. Oh Please.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Hi. Above is the book that I mentioned before. It touches my heart to know that my parents were looking forward for my existence in this world. On the first page was stated my father's name and the date of purchase I guess; it was on August 28th, 1985, seven months before I was born. Terima kasih abah dan emak, saya sungguh terharu. Nasib baik tak dapat abah yang macam dalam iklan Ambank tu. Alhamdulillah.

And so, I have a sneak peek (Luckily my mommy and daddy were not around this week; it enables me to have an ample time to read through the book. I don't think they are going to like the fact that I've read this book, otherwise they have displayed the book at the place that everybody can see it, takdelah nak sorok dalam almari, betul tak?) and I would say that the book is quite useful for a novice parent for a start. It covers from deciding to get pregnant up to several days when the baby is already born and those are stated in details. And some parts are enjoyable (giggles paling gedik) but most are informative. (muka serius ok.) I have an instinct saying that the author is somewhat hillarious too. Read this; "...unless she is feeling nauseous encourage her to eat and drink as she wants. Natural fruit juice and honey contain sugars which will give her plenty of energy. You should eat something too." (I quote this from a part of the book which falls under "advice for birth assisstant" for the first-stage delivery.) Don't you think that this line is funny? I do. Because the previous lines were talking about serious matters, of the symptoms la, of the help that the birth assisstant a.k.a the husband can offer to reduce the pain as well as to help stabilizing the wife's emotion, which appear critical to me, tetiba penulis ajak pulak orang tu makan sama. Tak kelakar ke? Orang tengah serius dan cemas ni kot. Comel jek.

Above were the pictures that were taken during the family day last month. (haha. last month.) Unfortunately, I didn't have the picture when we tried the banana-boat-riding. It was fun, really. Another wishlist is checked now :)

These are the pictures of my friends; zuhairi and amizanah, together with my sister and I when we went out for the movie trip. Tetiba tersesat pergi Pesta Sungai Melaka dan Muzium Samudera. Wish we have SLR camera.

And these were pictures from random occasions. The first five pictures were meant for my birthday celebration. (had three cakes this year. balas dendam for last year, no cake at all since my rent house was robbed on my birthday. Dugaan.) The rest were taken when we went out for movies (oh I love Star Trek since forever. and X-Men too. However Terminator Salvation was not a WOW movie. Too bad. Can't wait for Harry Potter and Transformers. Speaking of Transformers, it reminds me of a few other superheroes that I grew up with. Like He Man, Go Go Power Rangers--oh-so-cute-Jason, G.I. Joe, Japanese superheroes like Ultraman, Maskman, Flashman, Suria Baja Hitam, etc. I did enjoy watching cartoons like Carebears, Jem--me and my best cousin used to buy glitter stickers in star-shape, red in color, then we pasted it as earring, kononlah nak jadi Jem, haha, sumpah terpengaruh, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer, Tomatoman, Sailormoon, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, etc. It's so strange that none of my friends can recall watching those cartoons when they were little. Haisyy.) Apart from that there were pictures when we go out dating haha. Kidding. Ada masa earth hour, ada masa merayau-rayau sekitar ibu kota dan juga sesi ke perpustakaan bila nak periksa. (sebab kat rumah sangat panas. global warming kan.) I think this is all. Penat la upload gambar ni. technology is not my passion anyway. Take care everyone.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Kalau tak suka cakap tak suka. Kalau suka jaga elok-elok lah. Susah ke? Tak mo layan, dah, tak payah layan.

p/s 1 : hey Mister, tak payah lah kau nak appear offline tetiba bila aku online. macam aku nak borak dengan kau sangat. kau fikir kau kacak aku heran kah?
p/s 2 : kau yang appear permanently offline kat aku pun takpa, aku dah tak kisah lah. alah bisa tegal biasa la bak kata orang. nanti bila orang yang kau sayang buat kat kau macam tu semula, nah kau rasalah balik. ye tak?
p/s 3 : sape-sape tak suka aku boleh blah sekarang. go to hell. aku tak kisah pun.
p/s tambahan : hey kau, kau, dan kau si mulut jahat, nak kena lempang?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I Think

I have found my cure. Lately, once I feel sad and fed-up with my real life, I'll think of the things that would make me happy. Think of the happy thoughts. I'll absorb myself into my own fantasy world that I've created by my limited imagination (so basically my mind will be wandering around that boundary, neither that far, nor that wild anyway) as for example; will be indulging myself with the fairy-tales-life of going out with the man of my fantasy (already have a list of his characteristics but always meet a failure when it comes to describing how he looks like in detail. I fancy _______ people anyway. Is it wrong to have a fantasy? But girls can always dream as all said. A thing to ponder, hmm.) ; of the nicest treatment that I should be getting; of being rained by gifts that I like by winning a competition or so; of anything that I simply know (but hard to admit) that I am not be getting in the real life of mine. So, that's the cure, basically. By that mean, I can leave all the shit(s) for a moment or two. And throw myself into a favored situation or turn myself into a person (or whatever I like) with important roles to handle. Bukan watak pipih la kiranya, hanya watak utama sahaja. I don't know if it's normal or not and I don't give it a damn. (tapi sebenarnya tiba-tiba rasa macam diri sendiri ada split personality. aiyaiyai.) Like as for now, I am imagining yet assuming myself as a successful writer cum editor (like lalola. pengaruh tv kuat sangat ni.) then change into a billionaire (like Donald Trumph that not only I could buy myself a Mercedes; I could buy the whole world indeed, hutang PTPTN tu apalah sangat kan.) or a princess (in the white gown and the glass shoes)? In my dreams. And dream on. I know. I know. Saja mengada. Oh come on people, just give me a break, will you?
[psstt psstt. sekali ada orang tu baca. eh orang-orang. pastu kena sound seketul pulak. tak,,beberapa ketul sebenarnya. dah gabung semua jadilah cemni. "cubalah mengaji ke,,berzikir ke,,semayang sunat ke." errr *buat tangan macam nasyid sekarang* InsyaAllah,,akan cuba diusahakan : terima kasih ye kamu-kamu.]

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I Should

have known from the very start that I should not add strangers into my messenger list and should forbid myself from entertaining strangers by all means. Sekarang boleh kata padan muka kepada diri sendiri bila mendapat message yang merimaskan dan menyusahkan diri sendiri. Kawan-kawan rapat pun tidak busy body begitu. Oh tolonglah. I thought of making more and more friends, that's all.

[p/s: can't wait for Terminator Salvation to come out. and am looking forward for the first movie trip ever if the offer is still on.]

If I Could

turn back time, I would like to be sixteen again. I am not going to get myself involve in puppy love because those are all craps. (my ex keeps on viewing my profile from time to time. motif apakah pun tidak tahu. not going to talk about him here anyway. wish him happiness all the way.) I am not going to get myself wasted. I would not have to spare myself for the terrible pain of break-up. (Well, who has not anyway, right? But of course it's such a big waste when you're only seventeen when your main focus should be put on studies. But it taught me to be stronger somehow. Should be grateful for the bitter-sweet memories. Note: Would like to clarify on one thing here. I won the cross-country when I was in form four not because of him as all thought it was, but it was because of the secret formula that Hannan and I had invented that time. But Hannan, I think we should revise the formula because the technique actually works the other way around. Beside the formula, we might had won definitely because of the all-out effort that we'd put, to constantly run that day.) I would stay in that good class with good people to study in (not that my classmates were all bad but some of them were. Ouch.) Will get good result, way better than what I got, and fly myself abroad. Meet wonderful people overseas and end up being what I wanted all these while. Comes the reunion, I will not have a single doubt to join the crowd and teachers will be proud of me, being part of the excellence. But it's too late now. I am all messed up. I fucked everything up. Tahniah kepada diri sendiri. I should have listened to mommy. ---This is my biggest regret among my other regrets---
But come to think of it, I should be grateful somehow. At least I did not end up wandering at the streets. At least not for now la. And perhaps this is the best for me. Who knows, right? Semua orang kata "You should make the best of what you have." I'll try OK, I'll try.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Don't Believe It Makes Me Real

Have problem with my computer. It's gone senile, or crazy, or so I think (just like its master. biasalah, ikut tuan. hoh.) Will be posting the pictures later. Meanwhile, feeling like life has got no meaning, because was doing nothing except eating and sleeping besides online-ing. Got mommy and daddy accompanied to wedding sometimes, by free will. Thought of going out for movies and fun but friends were not available. Some have gone out datings, some went for weddings. Mimi was busy studying I bet, it's been a while since we last chatted. Should pick up a few books and read perhaps. A blogger friend suggested that I should be blogging more often. I feel like too but sometimes have got hesitations. I don't know why am I acting this weird. Is it normal? Is everyone like me? Is it OK for me to share personal details in here without getting people talking bad behind my back? Maybe I should keep an online diary, anonymously. Well, maybe. Kind of cool, don't you think so? Having a secret identity, telling of the secret life of yours. Told mommy of my plan if I never get married. She said the idea is not cool. Boo. Met my senior from school yesterday. She came down here to my house. Have not met her for like seven years. Finished her master and will be pursuing phD soon. Brilliant her. Congratulations, sister! I reserved myself to be the bridesmaid when she gets married. Should stop by now. Need to feed the cats. Pity them, have got no master, they go wandering behind my house all the time. Feeding them is my new hobby. I'm no so into cats but they are all cute and so manja. Will come to me and gosok-gosok kepala mereka di kaki saya sampai saya gelak sorang-sorang sebab geli. (Sekali dengar adik-adik semua ingatkan saya gila sebab gelak sorang-sorang di dapur. Mereka yang gila sebenarnya. Hoh.) But the cats are naughty too. Will take advantage while we are not looking. Caught red-handed by me once akibat mencuba untuk menangkap hamster adik. Should be wary somehow. Hmm.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Hi everyone. Oh, where should I start? I have not updated for almost a month! My God! The exams are finally over, and the holiday is on officially for like twelve days or so now. I have nothing much to say here (Yelah tu. Tetiba kang dah panjang berjela.) Well, I do have like a lot of things to tell but I simply put a hold on everything. (Why-oh-why?) I myself don’t know why. Now are you convinced that my head needs a diagnosis? I simply lose interest over things (Oh No, not again!) And I have been sleeping for more than I should. Initially I was thinking to share of my adult-to-adult talk with my best cousin here but I am such a blast procrastinator. Next, I thought of telling my little chat with my brother but again I put a wait on it. Then, I wished to make an entry on teacher’s day and still, I did not make it. The latest one is my thought of sharing the family day that we had last weekend and this attempt was a failure too. Praise for me. Hoh. So now, are you ready to start the rant?
  1. My cousin said that I should not worry too much about my future; the career to be precise. Said that I can try whatever I like and choose later. My brother said I should start thinking about it now. Kena sebijik “hotak kau” because the last time he asked me “Kau nak jadi apa kak?” and I replied “Ntah.” I told this someone that I may want to try to work with a hotel but that someone does not like the idea. Said that I’d better be a teacher.
  2. Terasa begitu tersentuh sekali menonton dokumentari hari guru; (ayat puitis) to realize the fact that teachers had sacrifice a lot of things (of their time, of their money, of their energy) for creating successful students academically and morally. Hope it is not too late to wish all the teachers all over the world “Happy Teacher’s Day.” Terima kasih cikgu. (I have started to get the wishes too. Surprisingly from a few lecturers. Wow.)
  3. I feel like seventeen when a nineteen years old boy asks my hand for marriage. Kidding. Feel like a sugar mommy because he’s too young for me, but still am impressed that he has the courage to ask and approach. Love at the first sight as he said. Comel lah kamu adik! (Yes, he’s so cute, no kidding.) Too bad that you’re nineteen. If you’re twenty-five, I might consider. Hehs. Kidding. Habis tu “My Perfect Match” macam mana? He’s a growing addiction that I can’t deny. OK, gedik! *malumalumalu*
  4. I can’t bear with the fact that I have been indulging myself with too great a dose of sleep for almost like everyday! Yes, the fact is killing me, I do live in guilt for not helping mommy doing house chores (But still not changing yet. Planning to start a new schedule by Monday. Hopefully. Wish me luck.)
  5. I get sun burnt. (And my heart is burning too; with fire red but now it's turning blue. OK tipu.) I am tanned now. No, it’s black. No, I mean I am having a darker tone now. My skin is exfoliating; the pimples are suddenly popping up. And my skin turned red. Dark tone and reddish and exfoliating with pimples growing every where on it and they are painful. Perfect! (Hasil daripada berkelah di pantai yang indah bersama keluarga semasa hari keluarga.)
  6. Saya benci iklan ambank. Yang ini. Saya benci husband dia. Sebab dia buat expression macam to have a baby is somewhat stressful and it's such a burden because he has to spend his money on his baby. Excuse me. If that so, why does he get married on the first place? Sungguh emo setiap kali menonton iklan ini. I am grateful that my mommy and daddy do not think it that way. I found this book hidden inside the cupboard while tidying. They were waiting for my existence to this world. I felt so much loved upon this revelation. Terima kasih abah dan emak.

I think I should sleep by now. It's four in the morning. So sleepy. I'll put the picture of that family day and the book as well tomorrow, the first thing in the morning once I wake up OK ;) Good Night, everyone. Sleep tight.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Untuk Ibu

Selamat Hari Ibu. In advance :D
Just want to share a video here which I think is interesting. My lecturer showed it to us once in the classroom and suddenly teringat pula. Mari mari ;)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Talk to The Self

Sometimes I really do think that my head needs to be diagnosed. I am turning crazy!

[p/s: wish me luck, everyone. for the finale that will finally come, and for the future that lays ahead; to where it might direct me to. thank you.]

Monday, April 13, 2009

It's Like My Mind Refuses To Believe What I Am Saying

Hi everyone. I am not letting go, yet, but I am starting to believe in things that I really should. Things like, maybe God has better plans for me. Well, maybe. Who knows, right? Everything happens for a reason; that was once told to me and that is what I believe in now. Last weekend, I had a blast. (Though it was not able to take the pain away, but still I enjoyed my weekend.) I have good people around as company. They made my life a little bit more fun and beautiful. Well at least they tried really hard to make me smile again. Especially, Andres. Thanks to you, Mr. Nice Guy. Though you nag to me like every minute of my every day dengan ayat-ayat seperti “Syahirah, pengurusan masa awak ni lemah! Lemah tahu?” or “Haih, lambatnya budak perempuan nama Syahirah ni bangun. Berabad kena tunggu.” (Excuse me. I hate to interrupt but considering the fact that I am having my menstrual, to be awaked at seven in the morning and went jogging is such a thing to me, OK. I hate to highlight the obvious but I was the earliest person to wake up that day, you know? Among the girls. At least for the second-floor residents because there was nobody in the toilet while I was getting ready and it’s creepy to be in the toilet alone, though it’s seven because people keep talking that there is really a ghost. Seriously! But part of me was enjoying the fact that I can choose which shower to be in because there was really nobody! Hehs.) Those “words of wisdom” that would piss me off sampai rasa macam nak calarkan jek kereta kamu, but still, kamu sangatlah baik hati dan memahami. And I know you were just teasing me. Terima kasih ye kamu. I would like to make clear of a thing; that lesson learnt. This time, it's quite a lot. And I also would like to sum up a few things and they are as follow:
  1. Perfume is part of my life. It is my passion. It is me. Meddle with them, you meddle with my identity. So the idea of getting rid of me from the perfumes is somehow, ridiculous. Clear? (But IF, I said IF, someone managed to change me someday, that someone must be very special to me, of course. Simply because I am changing my identity for that someone. Uuuuu. I sounded so serious here.)
  2. I have decided not to adopt my darling fish, Sofea (as for now) because I am afraid that I could not cope with the fact that all-living things will not last forever. Once the fish die, I will die too, out of sadness. Just like my sister. She is the toughest girl I have ever met but she still cried all day (OK, well maybe she was not really crying, as what she wanted me to say it here and as what she told la kan that she really did not cry,you see it's not cool to let people know that you're crying over things of your favorite, though it's kind of sweet, it's not that cool anyway I tell you, but she was depressed all day, it was reflected through the status in the messenger that brought me to ask her what happened then she explained) because her hamster died out of complication while giving birth. And I was affected too. Sedih kot.
  3. We had a movie trip and I was crying for a scene in the "Confession of a shopaholic" when Bec was fighting with her best friend. (Oh, come to think of it, it has made me wonder who's going to be my bridesmaid IF, I said IF I ever get married one day. Of who's going to be my 'bestman' too. Poor me.) Because I think it relates me to my ex-best friend. That she was having a wrong perception of my intention without giving me chance to explain and only a year after she realized that she had done me wrong and it’s just too late to mend everything, we had tried to start all over again, but it never feels the same, therefore I quit. My thirteen years old friendship is now remained a memory. And yet, my most beautiful relationship with someone I really adored will follow. Life is not easy for me. It never is.
  4. Andres got paranoid seeing my eyes turned red after the movie and I was pushed to put away my lenses as he said I will go blind. Duhh. And of course I did not tell him that I was crying for the scene (note: he knows what happened with me and the bestie. I don’t want him to start his sermon on me. And it’s too embarrassing to let know of a guy friend that you were crying for a scene in a movie and I just could not bear with the fact that they will be laughing at me for my whole entire life and they will be teasing me forever, just like what I did to my girl friends who cried for a movie scene. Haha. What goes around comes around, right? And tak cool jugak kalau orang nampak kita menangis. Sangat tak cool.)
  5. I was sleeping for the first time in a movie. And it’s “He’s just not that into you” pulak tu, the movie that I have waited for ages to come out. I don’t know, whether it’s because of my struggling with emotions during the previous movie (yes, we did watch a few movies in a day, to catch-up with everything and to take me away from my real suck world) or because of it’s a midnight session, or (oh this is the hardest part) simply because it was boring. *rolling eyes* But I liked the ending for Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend in the movie. That’s soooo sweet. To see a guy who changed for the lady he has fallen in love with. Oh. Fairy tales, fairy tales! Stay away from me! You're just too good to be true.
  6. And now I am left with my final work, research proposal, which I believe everyone in my class has progressed up to 80 percent and I am done with only 20 percent because I was just too busy learning how to put the pieces of me into a whole me again. Silly! The dateline is on 17th April. Therefore, I am dead! (tapi masih ada hati nak kuar berfoya-foya dengan abg senior yang akan pulang ke Qatar Khamis ini, dengan Dr. Qish yang baru balik dari Sarawak, dengan Cik Mimie dan Encik Zuhairi yang teringin nak pergi Mini Malaysia, cintakan tanah air katanya, dengan Rain yang sedang bahagia tapi dalam dilema, dengan Sekda yang dah tak berapa nak muda dan dengan Kak Ain yang dah lama tak jumpa. Apakah? Mungkin saya gila.)

[p/s: I know that I WILL SURVIVE, sooner or later. *cross finger*]

Friday, April 10, 2009

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry. Oh :(

I hate this feeling. suicidal. damn. this is the hardest phase of my life that I was forced to go through. It's the least favorite time. And it will always be. And this time it's real. Fucking real. And it's killing me. I am damn stupid. I should not let myself to be carried away. I should not play with fire. I should not be fooled by technology! Yes. Now I am blaming the technology. because I am torn now. oh. kamu pernah rasa tak macam tak boleh fokus on things that you were supposed to put your focus on? pernah tak kamu rasa seperti hidup kamu dah musnah? (oh ayat apakah ini?) pernah tak kamu rasa sangat mengantuk tapi tak mampu nak tidur dengan lena? dan asyiklah terjaga. dahtu sedar-sedar jek kamu akan terfikirkan tentang burden yang sedang kamu tanggung ni, sadness that has got no cure ni. dapat imagine tak? Hannan and Fitt kata diorang dapat imagine. Kamu? pernah tak kamu rasa tak ada selera langsung biarpun dihidangkan dengan makanan kegemaran kamu yang paling sedap di abad ini? oh perasaan ini sangat complicated to be explained. "I can see the perfect sky is torn". Serius shit tak tipu. haisyy. mulalah rasa seperti mahu mati lagi macam tempoh hari. isk. kawan-kawan, tolong doakan saya tabah ye.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

talk to me now I'm older

It's my birthday!
March 25th, 2009.
welcome me, adulthood!
I wish to write a longer post but the babies are waiting for me, I can't neglect them too, though It's my birthday. Haisyy. My baby assignment!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Keinginan Saya

I did not expect that my last post would be very controversial where it had become an issue through out the campus. People were talking about it, some were aware of the writer is me, while some were referring me as just “a blogger”. My God. Some people seem to go against me and my stand up to an extent where they took it personally. But most of people are sharing the same value, only a few of them are going against it. I even heard that a few people were throwing words like “Alah Syiro tu macam la bagus sangat!” [oh-ow, kamu ketahuan. Gotcha! Takpe, saya dah maafkan awak juga biarpun awak tak minta maaf kat saya sebab I don't give it a damn. Suka hati kamulah nak cakap apa kan. Like I fucking care.] and things like “Who is she to judge people?” Excuse me, allow me to clarify. I am not judging people. I am telling you now that I was just writing up my opinion and stand over things, in this case; the name-calling; the action of the presenters who called upon the target people in the middle of presentations as I view it unethical when the motive of calling is suspicious; which is to humiliate people [it seems as such to me, sorry.] I am not pointing to any particular presenter, I view it in general, that’s why I was mentioning “the presenters” not “the presenter” or “she” or “he”. This is meant for the people who did not agree with me---It’s just too bad that we don’t share the same values in life, so if you don’t like what I am writing; just stop reading and stay away from my writings, OK? [Oh, I should not be writing this pun sebenarnya. I do not owe you any explanation, anyway. The presenters had apologized, I did too (for the harsh words I wrote in this virtual world, remember?) and we had come into an understanding, therefore the case is now closed.]

Oh, tujuan sebenar saya hanyalah untuk memberitahu akan keinginan saya terhadap ini. Tuhan, tolonglah. Saya sangat mahu ini. Ianya sangatlah adorable. Saya hanya mampu cuba-pakai di kedai sahaja sebab tidak cukup duit untuk membeli. Oh. Saya amat kasihan :(

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.
This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )
I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.
Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)
To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?
I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)
[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]