Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Talk to The Self

Sometimes I really do think that my head needs to be diagnosed. I am turning crazy!

[p/s: wish me luck, everyone. for the finale that will finally come, and for the future that lays ahead; to where it might direct me to. thank you.]

Monday, April 13, 2009

It's Like My Mind Refuses To Believe What I Am Saying

Hi everyone. I am not letting go, yet, but I am starting to believe in things that I really should. Things like, maybe God has better plans for me. Well, maybe. Who knows, right? Everything happens for a reason; that was once told to me and that is what I believe in now. Last weekend, I had a blast. (Though it was not able to take the pain away, but still I enjoyed my weekend.) I have good people around as company. They made my life a little bit more fun and beautiful. Well at least they tried really hard to make me smile again. Especially, Andres. Thanks to you, Mr. Nice Guy. Though you nag to me like every minute of my every day dengan ayat-ayat seperti “Syahirah, pengurusan masa awak ni lemah! Lemah tahu?” or “Haih, lambatnya budak perempuan nama Syahirah ni bangun. Berabad kena tunggu.” (Excuse me. I hate to interrupt but considering the fact that I am having my menstrual, to be awaked at seven in the morning and went jogging is such a thing to me, OK. I hate to highlight the obvious but I was the earliest person to wake up that day, you know? Among the girls. At least for the second-floor residents because there was nobody in the toilet while I was getting ready and it’s creepy to be in the toilet alone, though it’s seven because people keep talking that there is really a ghost. Seriously! But part of me was enjoying the fact that I can choose which shower to be in because there was really nobody! Hehs.) Those “words of wisdom” that would piss me off sampai rasa macam nak calarkan jek kereta kamu, but still, kamu sangatlah baik hati dan memahami. And I know you were just teasing me. Terima kasih ye kamu. I would like to make clear of a thing; that lesson learnt. This time, it's quite a lot. And I also would like to sum up a few things and they are as follow:
  1. Perfume is part of my life. It is my passion. It is me. Meddle with them, you meddle with my identity. So the idea of getting rid of me from the perfumes is somehow, ridiculous. Clear? (But IF, I said IF, someone managed to change me someday, that someone must be very special to me, of course. Simply because I am changing my identity for that someone. Uuuuu. I sounded so serious here.)
  2. I have decided not to adopt my darling fish, Sofea (as for now) because I am afraid that I could not cope with the fact that all-living things will not last forever. Once the fish die, I will die too, out of sadness. Just like my sister. She is the toughest girl I have ever met but she still cried all day (OK, well maybe she was not really crying, as what she wanted me to say it here and as what she told la kan that she really did not cry,you see it's not cool to let people know that you're crying over things of your favorite, though it's kind of sweet, it's not that cool anyway I tell you, but she was depressed all day, it was reflected through the status in the messenger that brought me to ask her what happened then she explained) because her hamster died out of complication while giving birth. And I was affected too. Sedih kot.
  3. We had a movie trip and I was crying for a scene in the "Confession of a shopaholic" when Bec was fighting with her best friend. (Oh, come to think of it, it has made me wonder who's going to be my bridesmaid IF, I said IF I ever get married one day. Of who's going to be my 'bestman' too. Poor me.) Because I think it relates me to my ex-best friend. That she was having a wrong perception of my intention without giving me chance to explain and only a year after she realized that she had done me wrong and it’s just too late to mend everything, we had tried to start all over again, but it never feels the same, therefore I quit. My thirteen years old friendship is now remained a memory. And yet, my most beautiful relationship with someone I really adored will follow. Life is not easy for me. It never is.
  4. Andres got paranoid seeing my eyes turned red after the movie and I was pushed to put away my lenses as he said I will go blind. Duhh. And of course I did not tell him that I was crying for the scene (note: he knows what happened with me and the bestie. I don’t want him to start his sermon on me. And it’s too embarrassing to let know of a guy friend that you were crying for a scene in a movie and I just could not bear with the fact that they will be laughing at me for my whole entire life and they will be teasing me forever, just like what I did to my girl friends who cried for a movie scene. Haha. What goes around comes around, right? And tak cool jugak kalau orang nampak kita menangis. Sangat tak cool.)
  5. I was sleeping for the first time in a movie. And it’s “He’s just not that into you” pulak tu, the movie that I have waited for ages to come out. I don’t know, whether it’s because of my struggling with emotions during the previous movie (yes, we did watch a few movies in a day, to catch-up with everything and to take me away from my real suck world) or because of it’s a midnight session, or (oh this is the hardest part) simply because it was boring. *rolling eyes* But I liked the ending for Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend in the movie. That’s soooo sweet. To see a guy who changed for the lady he has fallen in love with. Oh. Fairy tales, fairy tales! Stay away from me! You're just too good to be true.
  6. And now I am left with my final work, research proposal, which I believe everyone in my class has progressed up to 80 percent and I am done with only 20 percent because I was just too busy learning how to put the pieces of me into a whole me again. Silly! The dateline is on 17th April. Therefore, I am dead! (tapi masih ada hati nak kuar berfoya-foya dengan abg senior yang akan pulang ke Qatar Khamis ini, dengan Dr. Qish yang baru balik dari Sarawak, dengan Cik Mimie dan Encik Zuhairi yang teringin nak pergi Mini Malaysia, cintakan tanah air katanya, dengan Rain yang sedang bahagia tapi dalam dilema, dengan Sekda yang dah tak berapa nak muda dan dengan Kak Ain yang dah lama tak jumpa. Apakah? Mungkin saya gila.)

[p/s: I know that I WILL SURVIVE, sooner or later. *cross finger*]

Friday, April 10, 2009

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry. Oh :(

I hate this feeling. suicidal. damn. this is the hardest phase of my life that I was forced to go through. It's the least favorite time. And it will always be. And this time it's real. Fucking real. And it's killing me. I am damn stupid. I should not let myself to be carried away. I should not play with fire. I should not be fooled by technology! Yes. Now I am blaming the technology. because I am torn now. oh. kamu pernah rasa tak macam tak boleh fokus on things that you were supposed to put your focus on? pernah tak kamu rasa seperti hidup kamu dah musnah? (oh ayat apakah ini?) pernah tak kamu rasa sangat mengantuk tapi tak mampu nak tidur dengan lena? dan asyiklah terjaga. dahtu sedar-sedar jek kamu akan terfikirkan tentang burden yang sedang kamu tanggung ni, sadness that has got no cure ni. dapat imagine tak? Hannan and Fitt kata diorang dapat imagine. Kamu? pernah tak kamu rasa tak ada selera langsung biarpun dihidangkan dengan makanan kegemaran kamu yang paling sedap di abad ini? oh perasaan ini sangat complicated to be explained. "I can see the perfect sky is torn". Serius shit tak tipu. haisyy. mulalah rasa seperti mahu mati lagi macam tempoh hari. isk. kawan-kawan, tolong doakan saya tabah ye.