Of You. Of Me.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I hope it's not too late to wish everyone a very happy new year (1431H.) All of sudden I feel nostalgic and guilty and happy at once. To reflect back of all my deeds this year, I must say that I should apologize to this someone whom the heart was broken. I am sorry for everything that I have done to you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's not you, it's all me that I have decided on which path I am going to take, which life I am going to live, with whom I am going to spend my whole life with (if God wills) and too bad Andres, it's not you. I am deeply sorry for that. I wish we still can be friend. I'd love to have a very good friend like you. On the other hand, I am terribly happy that my life now is perfectly perfect that I have people who love me all around me. And it feels so good that I would not even care of anything else because I know I am going to have supportive people to get me through if ever I hit the ground, I could not care less of whatever disaster that may come across my way.

Ok, let's get down to my core business here that is to reveal (what? reveal? pardon me, my choice of words today is getting poorer. sometimes I think I've lost my sense.) a little bit of my activities that filled my holiday (which will end pretty soon, my god!) and I think pictures may help me do the talking.

OK, these above pictures were taken when mommy, daddy, my lil sister and I roasted the catfish at granny's place (tepi stor, port memasak ketupat rendang dan juga lemang time raya) The first picture is of course of my mommy and daddy and the second one is the not-yet-roasted-catfish. It's finger licking good, I tell you.

These above pictures on the other hand were taken when we went for a trip organized by UMNO. I happened to replace a place of a member who couldn't make it last minute. Therefore, I consider myself lucky because it's free that I don't have to pay even a penny. The first picture was taken on top of the Menara Taming Sari while the second picture was taken when I was on top of the Eye On Malaysia with mommy and my little sister. We went for boat-riding along Malacca River too but I didn't take any picture because I was just too busy listening to the explanation given by the tourist guide of the historical buildings that can be seen along the way and the experience is valuable; it made me proud to be Malaysian.

These are pictures of my friends (ehem) and I when we were out for movie trips (notice the "S". We just love watching movies. Movies that we find interesting jelah, of course, like Couples Retreat, The Princess and The Frog, and a lot more. Santau pun I layan haha. But Phobia 2 is the eeriest, spine-chilling movie for this year over. The ending was unexpected and fantastic I'd say.), out for sight-seeing the town, window shopping at the Jonker Walk, and of course while our coffee-break time. I wish not to put more pictures because I am not going to transform this blog into a photoblog. Lols.

Apart from those happy moments, I have experienced living without mommy (that practically made me an orphan. And disabled.) because she was away for a week the other day and yeay, (oh no!) I had to cook for my family! Guess what I'd prepared for them? The all-time-favorite that is of course my lovely Sambal! Everyday pun sambal. Sambal sotong, sambal udang, sambal ayam, sambal sardin, sambal telur that made my little brother and little sister felt so stressed out. But what do I do? That's the only food on earth I am capable (and ahem, expert. note the word people, mark the word.) to prepare. Well at least they didn't die out of hunger, no? Should I put pictures of food that I'd made? Yes? No? Better not to la kan. Hehs.

One more thing, I've cut my hair off, meaning that I have a super short hair cut. And the good thing is I am not blonde anymore and my parents are so relieved that the colored hair is gone now. Sobsob. I wish I could stand the pressure and the urge inside of me (syaitonirrojim neyh.) of getting my hair colored forever. Amin.

The result was officially announced last week and alhamdulillah, I've made it to practicum. I thought I'm going to fail a few subjects but I was so lucky that I didn't fail and manage to proceed to the next level. Last semester was the toughest semester of all, I would say, considering of the situations I've been in and through. And it's agreeable by my fellow third-year teslians that semester six is the hardest so far. Speaking of practicum, it takes my breath away to think of what might happen and how am I going to survive when teaching is not my passion. I still have the list of "Things that I fear from practicum" that my Classroom Management lecturer asked us to list it down with me and they are unfortunately still the things that I fear. I wonder how do I teach a language. It's not Science nor Maths, it's English Language for God's sake! It freaks me out even more to realize the fact that my future students are all beyond the critical period, meaning that the ability for them to absorb the language had decreased unless they are already proficient. And I got to know from one of my lectures that the ability and time of acquisition of each student are unique. Ahmad who is a form one student  might be able to learn and master Present Tense on January 15, while his classmate Ali will not master it on that day and Ali might possibly master it when he reaches fourteen. I forgot the name of the theory but yes, that's one of the theories that linguists proposed. How do I survive? How am I possibly teach each student with different topic accordingly if I were to consider the theory and how do I know who will be able to learn what topic at a specific time? I am dead meat, can't you see? And one more thing, we are still waiting for the list of school we are going to be posted to and it gives me goosebumps to think of where I might be sent off, be it a school where everyone speaks English all their life or a school where English is an alient language. And I don't drive, therefore, how am I going to get myself to school? I am a person with full of questions. Yours, till my questions answered.

[p/s: I am so excited that blogspot allows me to cross out words. I think it's a new application as I noticed at the above box. I feel so high-tech! And it's cool! Weehoo!]

Here and There, Coffee and Tea, You and Me. Oh I am so happy!

Hello beautiful and handsome. Starting dah bodek. Haha. I've seen this phrase somewhere, can't recall where somehow. So, how's everyone? I've just got back from a one-week course for my pre-practicum. It usually starts a week before we go for our practicum but this semester it started a little bit earlier, I don't know why, don't ask me. This course had given me a lot of inputs be it on the real scenarios at school as well as the profession itself. Teaching is a noble profession by all means, no doubt. However, teaching is still not a passion for me, as for now. Worse, I found it's kinda torturing me to know that I am to abide by the verdict of the profession saying that females are not allowed to wear pants to work and I know some might say "what's the problem then? just do not wear it! you're not gonna die, anyway." oh yes, of course I'm not gonna die but I have this one weird dream (or so some say) that I'd like to wear suit to work. I know I'm impossible, you don't have to repeat me. But hey, that's my dream, honestly, and my best cousin said that it's OK to have this kind of dreams. Well, I have an approval, at least. And I believe I have a right to dream for what I wanna wear, whom I wanna be with, etc. It's my life anyway.

I've been at home for one week now and the break is officially on since then. Throughout this one week, I've been busy catching up with friends and loved ones here in my hometown. I went out for almost everyday and I totally like it. It's good to be with people you love and people who love you back, enough said. So, the list goes now.

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  Watched 2012 on Friday,
  
  
  
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  A Christmas Carol on Sunday,
  
  
  
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  out for kueh udang on Monday I think, (ye ke? or Tuesday?)
  
  
  
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  Wednesday was our ranger day out, (We went out for lunch and spent time doing recreational activities like canoe-ing, cycling and paddle boat-ing though we didn' wear proper attire for such activities and it was enjoyable. I'll upload a picture of us that was taken before we departed home. More pictures will be uploaded later because it's with Mimi darling. *kalau rajin hahaha* I thought of creating a photoblog to keep all my photos saved, so if my computer breaks down or if any unwanted thing happens, I'm gonna have all of them saved here.) 
  
  
  

credit to ninie. n ira n udin too. adik-adik were entertaining. very. tq!

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  Thursday I stayed home, acted like a goodie-goodie person doing house chores (of course la because Friday's raya kan. cuma A and H jek yang nakal apakah kuar jalan-jalan balik rumah makan tiga jenis ayam. oppss did I say it out loud? Pardon me :-" )
  
  
  
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  Friday again I watched Ninja Assasin,  (Yes I know It's eid. This year was the first time ever that my family and I celebrated it at home because granny's admitted to the hospital and it was boring because not so much people left here. Balik kampung they off. So that evening I went out for movie and a cup of coffee together with my favorite toast and it really made my day of course. Tq darling for your company. Everytime pun it's your companion I have. Thank you Thank you Thank you.)
  
  
  
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  Saturday's supposedly meant for a  meeting-up session with friends for tea but had to cancel it due to a surprise visit for granny. Off to KL we went.
  
  
  
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  And just now we went out for coffee and I refused to further explain boleh kan? :P
  
  
  

You see, I have a beautiful life now. I refuse to think of all the stupid things that keep on bothering me. I want to retreat and rejuvenate myself. Toxics please stay away from me. Pretty please. To all the love in the world, thank you for keeping me accompanied. I really appreciate your existence :) Thank God to let me live happily up to this very moment. (despite all the bad deeds that I have done) Because my lecturer said it's hard to see people happy nowadays and he advised us not to ruin other's happiness, just let them be happy, and you go find yours. So, despite the downfall of the economy, global warming and all problems that interfered, I wish everyone happiness that long last.

A Comeback. For Good.

Heyya people. It's been soooooooo long that I have not posted anything in here. Now I am back! It's still the same old me, with the same old look, (but not that pathetic anymore, at least not for now lah kan. Eheh) the one who would always have bad luck to have the HONOR to see people in the next car next to her picking their noses and she swears to dear god that's sooooooo gross! Euww (Suddenly I remember about an incident last week when I was waiting for my burger at a stall nearby, I saw a man picking his nose and I was almost thrown up! Oh please, boleh tak pick nose dlm toilet sorang-sorang kalau nak? (oh,,and please jangan lupa cuci tangan kasi bersih.) Geli tahu tak?

Ok Ok I am off topic now. Truth is, I miss blogging to hell, I miss visiting my blog list, and now I am left far far behind, of you people's updates. Pardon me for being soooo into my studies *puke puke to infinity* haha. I have got a lot to tell, mind you, it's really a lot, but I am still in my examination week, but still I want to post on things, so no choice except to cut the stories into pieces la, to make it short. Hehs. Good news, I've got a new computer! My daddy cool bought it for me. And it was a surprise! Terima kasih abah! I went back to my hometown a few days before raya to find out that a new computer was ready to serve me. Cool, huh? Actually my brother had called me earlier la, telling me that daddy called him asking about computer bla bla bla and he told me not to be a drama queen, not to cry-out-of-happiness sort of things, you know, and I was like “whatever” because I thought he was just teasing me. He loves to tease me anyway. That's his number two hobby I suppose. Loser! Haha. And then everyone in the house started to claim that they had contributed in influencing daddy to buy the computer. But I guess mommy was the one, because she told daddy that I was crying over it day and night (oh-so-crazy la) because my little sister and little brother told her that I was really crying when they read my last post (oh-so-crazy-little siblings-i-have.) Anyways, I have got a new one now, and it saved me lotsa time! Thank god. Thank you abah. Thank you emak. Thank you everyone, for making my life sooo great. And my hari raya was fun too, as always.

I headed a very hectic life this semester. I got the chance to do observation in school and it was enjoyable. Poorly, teaching still is not a passion for me, but I think I can cope with the students (at least with those I observed) because I saw my brother and sister in them. OK, I am being quite irrelevant here as my team mates said, but they were all young and funny and cute and entertaining to me. I wish I am going to have funny-but-brilliant students when I do my practicum next semester. I wish. Would you like to see my wish list for practicum? Oh surely not because I can guarantee you that would be deadly boring. Yawn.

This semester too, I did learn from my mistakes about life. The more I think of life, the more I understand that life is not that bad. It's just how you want to live it. And I think life is all about making choices. It's all about to be or not to be. It's all about to do or not to do. It's all about you and the options your have. And the choices are all yours. And I have decided on major things in my life. I want to be happy. And I am not going to look back anymore, it's final. All these while I have been wasting my time on wrong persons, wrong things, wrong paths. Now that I realized about it, I don't want to get wasted anymore. Thank god for making me realize. I actually have given it several thoughts before I jumped into decision-making. And I pray to god that all the decisions I made were the best for me. And for you, too. Like I always said, I don't want to waste my time on cheap men and rough wine. That's my favorite quote all my life. I know I sounded like "macam-bagus-sangat" but if you know me well, then you would understand why. I am just being me.

Ok now I sound old and boring. Boo. Guess what sexy people, I went out for a concert last Saturday and it was cool because we got The All American Rejects to perform! And you know that's one of my favorite band, don't you? And I bet everybody knows how cool they are, right? So, where do I start? It was raining, you can see there were raindrops on my tudung. We arrived there a bit late that day, therefore we had to line up for an hour I think but still we managed to fake smiles. I'm putting pictures as proof. Hehs. Oh I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you, you wanna touch me too is an addiction la. Swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crushed by a former love is my all-time-favorite. So does dirty little secret. and move along. and it ends tonight. and straightjacket feeling. and gives you hell. God, they rock, I just love their music! And Tyson too. Though he's kinda weird as all can see. Eheh. Overall, the concert was fine. Hell G-R-E-A-T I mean! :P But deep inside me, I was feeling guilty actually, I was thinking of lotsa things and partly because my aunt, uncle and cousin are doing ibadah in makkah and here I am attending a concert? Like “what?” But bagi chance la dekat I kan, once in a while to go out and have fun. Kan? Hehs.

Ok it's three in the morning and I think I have to stop now. In short, my life went well up to this very moment. Though I fucked up in my micro teachings, though I did not do well in my assignments, though I did not manage to answer my exams, though I broke hearts, I am still glad that now I have people in my life who would love me just for what I am. I am not the best student, neither I am a rich girl, nor a pretty one, I admit it, but I am having all the love in the world with me now that I don't have to impress nor convince anyone that I am a super great person to reserve me the right to be loved and I am thankful enough for that. Thank you.


[you can click on the image to get a larger image you know? And I just knew it and I think I was such a pain in the ass! oppss. please God stop my swearing habit. haha. poor me la. and one more thing. it's so amazing to discover that my-little-year-three-cousin has a facebook account. so do my other little cousins. and they were interacting with each other like adults did! they were engaging themselves with things i have never heard of in my entire 23 years of life and wow, i think that's fast and pretty cool, even i couldn't catch up so well with technology . or maybe i was just too slow and not cool? ouh the torture of technology. ]


[p/s: was it really long i have not logged in, long enough sampai banyak features dalam blogspot ni dah berubah? and i'm kinda lost here. how do i put colors to my words? how do i change the alignment? how do i choose the font? help! help!]

Dugaan Bulan Ramadhan

7.15 p.m.

It's raining heavily outside. I have got absolutely nothing to eat. My computer is not functioning and I can't afford to buy a new one and nobody seems to care. Bagi sikit simpati pun dah cukup, I am not asking for more. I am emotionally abused. I have got nobody to go to, nobody to talk to, and absolutely nobody cares about me, not even the person that used to be sooo in love with me. That includes Andres as well. I don't get a single message through my phone and I think I'm going to throw them away soon, very soon, no kidding. I have got fuckload of assignments to be done, together with the tests, not to mention the presentations and those are torturing enough. I have got snobbish classmates who downgraded my friend and I and the humiliation was unbearable. [To the snobbish classmates, though you are among the dean's list students, that does not reserve you the right to underestimate other people. Orang lain pun dapat dean's list jugak, tapi tak berlagak pun macam kau. Nanti kalau tiba-tiba tuhan tarik balik nikmat bijak yang Dia bagi kat kau, baru kau tahu. Bila kami tanya kau face to face, kau buat-buat baik pulak. You suck million times, I am telling you now, bitch. You've lost my respect. I have failed the test by saying this in the month of Ramadhan, I know.] I simply had lost my patience and my sanity. I lost my appetite too, I hardly eat these days. I am in tense, I don't get enough sleep, stupid pimples keep growing on and on and on and it's painful, dark circles are now visible, I am feeling under the weather; having flu and cough and mild fever and people keep on giving me hard times. I am sick and tired of all these. Now that I wish I could vanish just like that. Tuhan tolong ampunkan Syahirah. But these are too much.

Of The Happy Moments

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I last wrote in this blog. I think I have lost my flow of writing now and the thought of it is terrifying me. Neither I am implying that I have a flawless writing skill but at least I was able to sit and write out sensible thoughts (and sometimes my insane thoughts upon things too) before. I wanted to make a few posts earlier sharing my experience getting back to school but I was facing problem with the connection that has made me to wait like a week. Once it was fixed, another problem turned up, affecting my computer and until now it’s not fully fixed. Shit happens you see.

And now it’s already the third week of schooling. The classes are all OK. Though there are not so many students inside the class I am in now because there are a lot of rumors (obviously of the bad things) spreading about the lecturers whose teaching my class but I am so much engaged to my classes now because I have got to get more attention and I am pretty sure that the lecturers would remember my name by the end of the semester. I personally think that it is quite unfair to judge the lecturers when you have not even met them yet, to claim them to have certain manner merely based on people’s talking. Please do not get offended, this is just my personal opinion. This is my way of seeing things, as always. I would rather be in the class first, only then I would not feel guilty to rank them to be either nice or monstrous. And my judgment is subject to change from time to time depending on the treatment I am getting from them. Yes, I am difficult. Have not I told this earlier? But so far, the lecturers are all OK I would say. In fact, I have started to favor a few lecturers as they are all young and talented and knowledgeable and beautiful and they have the qualities that make them to be an effective lecturer. (Except for this one lady, it’s quite true that she’s some sort of strict and scary. Haha.)

I don’t want to give emphasis on the dark sides of happenings in my life. Yes there were several things that I don’t expect would turn to be like that but it turned out to be like that, and I could do nothing to fix it because there’s no way out of it, and I think it’s going to stay that way, no regret. I would rather put the memorable moments here. So far, I am coping quite well with studies. No doubt I have fuckload of assignments that have to be done in short time, I am done with two presentations, I am submitting one assignment as I write this and I am getting a foreign lecturer who has a beautiful British accent that makes me feel like studying abroad, being friends with Kate Nash (hey I love her songs and her accent. But it’s kind of hard to make the accent into practice as I had mentioned before) to replace my lecturer who went missing (hahaha) for maternity leave and she will only be back in September. Hahaha.

I have had a lot of fun too. My friends and I went to Genting Highlands and we got the chance to stay there one night. Thanks to Rain and Zul for the hotel treat. It was my second time to be there and my friends were being crazy pushing me to try almost all games there and I screamed as if I was going to die when I got onto that Cyclone and a few other games and it was fun. I have taken the chance to try go-cart-ing too and I was the last person to reach the final lap and I think it’s still impressive considering the fact that I have stopped driving like five years now. And should I add that I like the weather there. I think I really need to be abroad now. Everybody can dream as they say, right? Hahaha. Here I am going to include some pictures that were taken there. I also got my cousin accompanied to her friend’s wedding and I was dying to see her house is equipped with elevator. The family is so rich obviously. They got the Upin and Ipin mascot too because the father is the owner of that particular company. Cool, don’t you think? I also went out with my roommate and Andres some day around and both outings were great. Andres brought me to a place I have never been before and treated me nicely as always. We always try new things when we get together and that’s what I like about being with Andres. Thank you.

I think I’d better get going for my Human and Development class at 4.00 p.m. My aunt asked me to do her a favor by helping her to sell her baju kebaya that she bought in Jakarta and I think I am going to put the pictures of those kebayas here just in case you are interested in buying. The materials are very good and up-to-date and the price is affordable. I’ll put that later OK because I am running out of time now. Till then. Have a good day, people.

Quick Update

Holla! This is going to be just a short and quick update from me, don't worry. I missed my blog's birthday! Hahaha. *straight face* Say happy birthday to the blog, everyone.

I tell you what, we (mommy and I) were nearly dead as our house was almost caught on fire yesterday afternoon. Mommy forgot that she was frying the fries, after quite sometime the pan was burning. I was shocked to death and mulalah panic attack and I screamed as if I saw a ghost. Don't blame me, it's my spontaneous act; it's either I'll be screaming with all my heart or I will stay still, and this time it's a scream. I do not wish to tell more of this because it freaks me out up to this very moment when it comes to roll back in my mind. This incident has made me thinking. I still have today when I can go teasing my siblings, ( hey I tease because I love :) ) get gossipy with friends, go outing with the darlings and do whatever I want to do but what about tomorrow? We will never know what will happen the next minute, hour or day. Therefore, I will try to make the best of what I have, I'll work harder this time, will be putting my full passion in everything I do. I do not want to have more upcoming regrets. Because life is short as they say but how 'short' is short, only God knows. Thank you Allah for giving us the chance to still be living.

I missed my second cousin's wedding too (whom I have known since I was thirteen. Have I ever told you that I got to know him from MIRC through SBP's channel? Speaking of that SBP's channel, it used to be my territory when I was in secondary school, I was a techno geek back then. Haha. We chatted like two years before we got to know that we are related; that he's my second cousin. It was the school break, and there I was, asking him about his plan for the school break. He said he's going to the granny's and I was asking him where on earth that would be and he gave me a word that made me fainted. It's "Krubong"; my kampung too. Funny, huh? We were close since then. And he's the second person that I know to have such a looooong name beside my cousin.) because daddy is not around. To abg zooul, congratulations on your wedding. May He bless you with happiness, amin. I missed the meet-up session with my best cousin too.

I missed quite a lot of things this week. But I have got a lot of good news too. And good news lagi banyak kot. Thank God. (That would be one of the reasons why I did not blog for these few days. Hehs. The toxicated side of me has been eliminated. Yeay! Haha.) Talking of which, I just want to get back to the "eight toxic behavior" thing since am and a few of my other friends were requesting me for the link. I have tried so hard to remember, I don't think this is the one, but I think this is quite similar to the one that I have had a quick glance at before. Please do not rate me into that "type one" OK. Hehs. Kindly visit:

http://www.womenco.com/news/articles/2577-8-types-of-toxic-friends

Have a good day, people!

I Should

have known from the very start that I should not add strangers into my messenger list and should forbid myself from entertaining strangers by all means. Sekarang boleh kata padan muka kepada diri sendiri bila mendapat message yang merimaskan dan menyusahkan diri sendiri. Kawan-kawan rapat pun tidak busy body begitu. Oh tolonglah. I thought of making more and more friends, that's all.

[p/s: can't wait for Terminator Salvation to come out. and am looking forward for the first movie trip ever if the offer is still on.]

It's Like My Mind Refuses To Believe What I Am Saying

Hi everyone. I am not letting go, yet, but I am starting to believe in things that I really should. Things like, maybe God has better plans for me. Well, maybe. Who knows, right? Everything happens for a reason; that was once told to me and that is what I believe in now. Last weekend, I had a blast. (Though it was not able to take the pain away, but still I enjoyed my weekend.) I have good people around as company. They made my life a little bit more fun and beautiful. Well at least they tried really hard to make me smile again. Especially, Andres. Thanks to you, Mr. Nice Guy. Though you nag to me like every minute of my every day dengan ayat-ayat seperti “Syahirah, pengurusan masa awak ni lemah! Lemah tahu?” or “Haih, lambatnya budak perempuan nama Syahirah ni bangun. Berabad kena tunggu.” (Excuse me. I hate to interrupt but considering the fact that I am having my menstrual, to be awaked at seven in the morning and went jogging is such a thing to me, OK. I hate to highlight the obvious but I was the earliest person to wake up that day, you know? Among the girls. At least for the second-floor residents because there was nobody in the toilet while I was getting ready and it’s creepy to be in the toilet alone, though it’s seven because people keep talking that there is really a ghost. Seriously! But part of me was enjoying the fact that I can choose which shower to be in because there was really nobody! Hehs.) Those “words of wisdom” that would piss me off sampai rasa macam nak calarkan jek kereta kamu, but still, kamu sangatlah baik hati dan memahami. And I know you were just teasing me. Terima kasih ye kamu. I would like to make clear of a thing; that lesson learnt. This time, it's quite a lot. And I also would like to sum up a few things and they are as follow:

1. Perfume is part of my life. It is my passion. It is me. Meddle with them, you meddle with my identity. So the idea of getting rid of me from the perfumes is somehow, ridiculous. Clear? (But IF, I said IF, someone managed to change me someday, that someone must be very special to me, of course. Simply because I am changing my identity for that someone. Uuuuu. I sounded so serious here.)
2. I have decided not to adopt my darling fish, Sofea (as for now) because I am afraid that I could not cope with the fact that all-living things will not last forever. Once the fish die, I will die too, out of sadness. Just like my sister. She is the toughest girl I have ever met but she still cried all day (OK, well maybe she was not really crying, as what she wanted me to say it here and as what she told la kan that she really did not cry,you see it's not cool to let people know that you're crying over things of your favorite, though it's kind of sweet, it's not that cool anyway I tell you, but she was depressed all day, it was reflected through the status in the messenger that brought me to ask her what happened then she explained) because her hamster died out of complication while giving birth. And I was affected too. Sedih kot.
3. We had a movie trip and I was crying for a scene in the "Confession of a shopaholic" when Bec was fighting with her best friend. (Oh, come to think of it, it has made me wonder who's going to be my bridesmaid IF, I said IF I ever get married one day. Of who's going to be my 'bestman' too. Poor me.) Because I think it relates me to my ex-best friend. That she was having a wrong perception of my intention without giving me chance to explain and only a year after she realized that she had done me wrong and it’s just too late to mend everything, we had tried to start all over again, but it never feels the same, therefore I quit. My thirteen years old friendship is now remained a memory. And yet, my most beautiful relationship with someone I really adored will follow. Life is not easy for me. It never is.
4. Andres got paranoid seeing my eyes turned red after the movie and I was pushed to put away my lenses as he said I will go blind. Duhh. And of course I did not tell him that I was crying for the scene (note: he knows what happened with me and the bestie. I don’t want him to start his sermon on me. And it’s too embarrassing to let know of a guy friend that you were crying for a scene in a movie and I just could not bear with the fact that they will be laughing at me for my whole entire life and they will be teasing me forever, just like what I did to my girl friends who cried for a movie scene. Haha. What goes around comes around, right? And tak cool jugak kalau orang nampak kita menangis. Sangat tak cool.)
5. I was sleeping for the first time in a movie. And it’s “He’s just not that into you” pulak tu, the movie that I have waited for ages to come out. I don’t know, whether it’s because of my struggling with emotions during the previous movie (yes, we did watch a few movies in a day, to catch-up with everything and to take me away from my real suck world) or because of it’s a midnight session, or (oh this is the hardest part) simply because it was boring. *rolling eyes* But I liked the ending for Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend in the movie. That’s soooo sweet. To see a guy who changed for the lady he has fallen in love with. Oh. Fairy tales, fairy tales! Stay away from me! You're just too good to be true.
6. And now I am left with my final work, research proposal, which I believe everyone in my class has progressed up to 80 percent and I am done with only 20 percent because I was just too busy learning how to put the pieces of me into a whole me again. Silly! The dateline is on 17th April. Therefore, I am dead! (tapi masih ada hati nak kuar berfoya-foya dengan abg senior yang akan pulang ke Qatar Khamis ini, dengan Dr. Qish yang baru balik dari Sarawak, dengan Cik Mimie dan Encik Zuhairi yang teringin nak pergi Mini Malaysia, cintakan tanah air katanya, dengan Rain yang sedang bahagia tapi dalam dilema, dengan Sekda yang dah tak berapa nak muda dan dengan Kak Ain yang dah lama tak jumpa. Apakah? Mungkin saya gila.)

[p/s: I know that I WILL SURVIVE, sooner or later. *cross finger*]

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry. Oh :(

I hate this feeling. suicidal. damn. this is the hardest phase of my life that I was forced to go through. It's the least favorite time. And it will always be. And this time it's real. Fucking real. And it's killing me. I am damn stupid. I should not let myself to be carried away. I should not play with fire. I should not be fooled by technology! Yes. Now I am blaming the technology. because I am torn now. oh. kamu pernah rasa tak macam tak boleh fokus on things that you were supposed to put your focus on? pernah tak kamu rasa seperti hidup kamu dah musnah? (oh ayat apakah ini?) pernah tak kamu rasa sangat mengantuk tapi tak mampu nak tidur dengan lena? dan asyiklah terjaga. dahtu sedar-sedar jek kamu akan terfikirkan tentang burden yang sedang kamu tanggung ni, sadness that has got no cure ni. dapat imagine tak? Hannan and Fitt kata diorang dapat imagine. Kamu? pernah tak kamu rasa tak ada selera langsung biarpun dihidangkan dengan makanan kegemaran kamu yang paling sedap di abad ini? oh perasaan ini sangat complicated to be explained. "I can see the perfect sky is torn". Serius shit tak tipu. haisyy. mulalah rasa seperti mahu mati lagi macam tempoh hari. isk. kawan-kawan, tolong doakan saya tabah ye.

Keinginan Saya

I did not expect that my last post would be very controversial where it had become an issue through out the campus. People were talking about it, some were aware of the writer is me, while some were referring me as just “a blogger”. My God. Some people seem to go against me and my stand up to an extent where they took it personally. But most of people are sharing the same value, only a few of them are going against it. I even heard that a few people were throwing words like “Alah Syiro tu macam la bagus sangat!” [oh-ow, kamu ketahuan. Gotcha! Takpe, saya dah maafkan awak juga biarpun awak tak minta maaf kat saya sebab I don't give it a damn. Suka hati kamulah nak cakap apa kan. Like I fucking care.] and things like “Who is she to judge people?” Excuse me, allow me to clarify. I am not judging people. I am telling you now that I was just writing up my opinion and stand over things, in this case; the name-calling; the action of the presenters who called upon the target people in the middle of presentations as I view it unethical when the motive of calling is suspicious; which is to humiliate people [it seems as such to me, sorry.] I am not pointing to any particular presenter, I view it in general, that’s why I was mentioning “the presenters” not “the presenter” or “she” or “he”. This is meant for the people who did not agree with me---It’s just too bad that we don’t share the same values in life, so if you don’t like what I am writing; just stop reading and stay away from my writings, OK? [Oh, I should not be writing this pun sebenarnya. I do not owe you any explanation, anyway. The presenters had apologized, I did too (for the harsh words I wrote in this virtual world, remember?) and we had come into an understanding, therefore the case is now closed.]

Oh, tujuan sebenar saya hanyalah untuk memberitahu akan keinginan saya terhadap ini. Tuhan, tolonglah. Saya sangat mahu ini. Ianya sangatlah adorable. Saya hanya mampu cuba-pakai di kedai sahaja sebab tidak cukup duit untuk membeli. Oh. Saya amat kasihan :(

Name-Calling

It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.

This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )

I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.

Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)

To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?

I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)

[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]

Blurry

All I can conclude about my life now can be sung through this song called blurry. (I think.) Let’s sing it together kawan-kawan! *serabut*

Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someoneYou could be my sceneYou know that I'll protect youFrom all of the obsceneI wonder what you're doingImagine where you areThere's oceans in between usBut that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my faceEveryone is changing There's no one left that's real So make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel 'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someone You could be my scene Know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well, you shoved it in my faceThis pain you gave to meOh,Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run awayNobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to me Can you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meNOOOOOO!This pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayTake it all awayThis pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayThis pain you gave to me

Oh wait! part of me says this song could describe the problem I am dealing now. Let's sing it along! *stress*

I think I've already lost youI think you're already goneI think I'm finally scared nowYou think I'm weak - but I think you're wrongI think you're already leavingFeels like your hand is on the doorI thought this place was an empireBut now I'm relaxed - I can't be sureI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I think too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI bet you're hard to get overI bet the room just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mindI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I talk too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

hehs. saiko kan? I have a lot of things to share but as usual, I always have moral qualms of sharing things that I consider myself improper or too private because if I were to share, people might have different views of me than what they used to have before they know what am I keeping, plus the secret I am keeping won't be a secret anymore and people will start talking of it and I am afraid I can't bear to live with it. OK, now I am behaving like a DIVA. I am a nobody anyway. Too bad that I have to care of what others think of me. So typical.

For the time being, the GOAL is really torturing me. Everybody in the class was talking about it. All lecturers were too, talking about the goal and the mission and vision in life, that kind of thing. (By the way, I am now at least being able to define and differentiate between those two words; mission and vision. At least I am not a complete loser by that mean. Well, at least when somebody asks me of the terms, I can provide a definite answer. That was part of my learning in Curriculum and Instruction. Credit to Dr. Burn for being really helpful. I like him.) And at least by now, everybody had seen their own paths, of what they want to do in life, who they are going to end up be, in fact some of them had known with whom they are going to be with for the rest of their life, except ME. Though it’s just a planning, everybody else seems to be very sure of their future, while I am lost and left behind. I am really tortured when I wake up every morning to know that I have no goal in life, that I always have to bear in mind that I ought to have a goal, go find at least one significant goal to be achieved then my life would be meaningful because sometimes I do feel that my life has no meaning. I go to classes every day but so little thing that I learn. I mean I am fine with the hidden curriculum, all the moral values that the lecturers were trying to instill were absorbed by me quite well but of the real curriculum that I have to master, I am quite lost. It’s not that I know nothing but I can’t relate things with my learning. I can’t see what’s the relevance of a few courses that I attend are meaning for. See, now I complicate things, like always.

You know what, I feel like giving up what I am doing now. Seriously. Those are so not me. I don't feel alive. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Almost there. I'd lost interest over things. I don't do things that I always do anymore. I didn’t blog for quite a while. Not because I am busy with school but it’s simply because I don’t feel like to. I left all my assignments, untouched. And the datelines are coming, very soon. I simply lost interest in life. I don’t go out, I don’t catch-up with people, I’ve stopped chatting, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio, I rarely surf the net. All I did was either staring blankly at the ceiling or lying on the bed. Hey, I did not jog too! That's really bad, OK. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should go get a life. Well, maybe I should just move on, and start all over again.

I Am Not Crazy

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since my last visit to the blog. The last time I wrote in here, I was suicidal. Hehs. Now I am ashamed of it. *blush* Let’s not talk about it anymore. Now is the time for me to make a summarization over things. Mind you people, this is going to be a long entry. I am glad that 2008 is now over. It’s been the worst year ever. 2009 comes together with my hopes that are too many to mention here but basically I am wishing for again, miracles to happen and the whole thing to go in my way. That’s it all.

By the way, I was having fun last week. There were two separate occasions that made me feel alive. One is a secret that I could not tell. The other one is of course of the outings with the darling girl friends. I have decided to spend two days exploring Malacca. So the first day I went to the malls at the heart of the city and went to the ‘Eye On Malaysia, Melaka’ at night. I was filled with fruitful excitement till I cried in my heart. You may understand why I was feeling that way if you know how hard I’ve tried and how long I’ve been waiting to be there. It is included as one of my wish list. (I have this “25-Things-To-Do-Before-I-Reach-25” list and now “Eye On Malaysia” is checked. Thank God.) I actually had been waiting for the moment since last year but nobody wants to accompany me when it was operating at Titiwangsa. And over the time I realized that everybody had gone there with their love ones, and I was left behind. That’s so sad. So the moment I step on the ground where it is located, I was in heaven. I feel that way. Seriously. And the next day I went to the malls again and spent the night sight seeing 'The Jonker Walk' and the city at night. Here are some photos to be shared.

OK, I am now facing a problem regarding my sociolinguistic class. Last week my lecturer asked the whole class to create a postcard-sized ID consisting of the name, address, phone number, the GPA and CGPA, and also the goals, just to get to know the students better, said the lecturer. I do think that it's a good idea that I might be applying too if I happen to teach in the future. I was quite excited to create the ID card but to think of the goal again make me want to vomit. What? Goal? I am dead. I’d left all the goals behind, remember? That now I am planning to just go with the flow without having to worry of any goal to be reached. I am stuck with that thing up to this very moment and tomorrow morning I am supposed to hand that thing in. What should I put in that ‘goals’ column? Should I write “I am giving myself a chance to find my one until I reach thirty. If I don’t get married by thirty years old, I am not going to marry at all. I will be adopting a baby girl that will be named with a beautiful name like Marissa Sofea, and will be raising her up alone because I’d just realized that babies give me tranquility. The last time I was depressed, my little cousin Alya had been the remedy. (I attached the video at the bottom of this post just in case you are interested in having a look at it.) Then maybe I will pursue my second degree in the field that I am into all these while, I don’t mind if I will not pass with flying colors because my Science subjects are rusty, but as long as I have the chance to be in that line, I will be grateful enough. Or maybe I should have a master in management or tourism so that I can travel around the world. (Is that possible? To jump from a line that has got nothing to do with tourism at all?) My next goal is to own a Mercedes. I wish I could pay back my loan in five years time instead of fifteen years as scheduled so I could devote my salary for that Mercedes before I die, or else I will die with a lot of regrets within me, not getting married, not having my own Mercedes and so on and end up being a loser for my whole life. Oh no! But I don’t think I could make it in five years, considering the fact that I will be making only 2K in a month as a fresh graduate and quarter of it will go to my parents since I am spending their money, a lot of it, plus I am the eldest of four. I have a huge responsibility of everything. Then RM200 will have to be spent on the loan. I might want to save a small portion of my salary too for future use (if and only if I have a future.) as well for my other expenses like food and utility bills. And the list goes on and on.” Should I? Of course it’s a NO. Haisy. What should I be putting in? Think Syahirah, think!

One more thing that I’ve just realized of myself is that I am now being super sensitive towards things. Of what you say to me, of what you do, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, etc. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget too. Initially I thought of being heartless that I would not care of those things but now I am becoming the old, super sensitive me. Every little thing counts now. This drags to the change in my mood. My mood swings more often now. Haisy. I am also being able to tolerate with some shades of blue color now. In fact, I bought myself a blue scarf yesterday. I wonder why I am behaving like this. Is it a sign of adulthood? At this moment, I have a thought of being quiet again because I think people lost respect over the talkative me. (That's what my father taught my mother since she's a talkative too.) Plus I might bore them to death too. Maybe I should keep my distant. Perhaps I should be asking myself “Why on earth would they be interested in knowing this?” everytime I have things to tell so that will keep my mouth shut. In my research method class, it says that everyone has opinions. So I think there’s nothing wrong to share your opinion but for me, I am going to share it here, so that I won’t bother other people who are not interested in the business I am into. I will start being quiet by tomorrow. And be more optimistic. Hopefully.

I am off to see the wizard. Off to La-La Land.

Oh saya sungguh rasa nak mati. Serious shit tak tipu.

Thank you to Taufiq for that “Laskar Pelangi”. It helped. Ikan saya dah mati. Memang.
Thank you to Dr Inas and Dr Qish. Thank you for the prescriptions.
Thank you to Aiman for the support and understanding. Man, aku nak ikut kau pergi Turki. Aku pun nak pergi. Bawa hati. Macam kau.
Thank you to Andres for always being there for me, though I am mean to you, at almost all occasion. You’re the only one blessed with the highest capacity to tolerate the dark side of me. Thank you so much. I am touched.
To the girls, thank you so much too to help me through.
To kawan-kawan virtual macam nasapollo,amknight,bimbo,choki (put your name here, I mean it, I am too dizzy to make a list now. Sorry.) terima kasih juga. Kamu sangat baik. I am blessed to have a circle of friends that truly care. Thank you.

Sumpah. I never thought that things like this really happen. For God’s sake! I always wonder “Eh, eh, cerita macam ni pun diorang buat. Agaknya terjadi for real tak?” But now, it’s happening to me! Yes, me! ME! Syahirah. Game over kawan-kawan. It’s official. I am a complete loser. Damn it! I think I should talk of it, but nothing much I can say here. Takut-takut nanti kawan-kawan semua pun nak ikut saya mati bersama. Mungkin benar kata Encik F, I should go for a Rational-Emotive-Behavioral-Therapy session. Oh I could not take it. I thought I am strong but I am totally wrong. For that I am off. To see the wizard. Off to La-La Land. Of mine, my very one of a kind. Take care everyone. Wish me a peace of mind.

Tag and My "oh-so-beautiful" Life

I was tagged by Beedadary, a coursemate of mine. The name is very rare. And unique too. And she's beautiful, I remind you.

1) Do you think you're hot?

Hot as in? Be it hot-tempered then it’s quite a yes for nowadays. Be it hot as in body temperature then it’s a yes too. (Hold on to my hands for living proof.)

2) Upload your favourite picture of you.

3) Why do you like that picture?
Because it symbolizes the best thing that we can do with our lips as it shows. Ouww. But my most-favorite picture would be my display image at the profile because that was me back then, when I have not put on my make-ups, (Hey, no lipsticks and no foundation. No gothic-look like what I used to put on now. And no pimples too. Yes. None at all.) I didn’t know how to paint my nails, (and didn’t even bother to get them painted once I was having my menstrual of course) and I have not gotten my hair colored yet that time. So it was the purest of me. Cuba compare dengan gambar yang di bawah ni. Ibu-ibu mesti beristighfar bila tengok. (highlight : warna pada kuku.) Oh.

4) When was the last time you ate pizza?
Pizza. Pizza. Now I am craving for it. You should take the blame for matter’s arising. Hehs. Last time when we went out to KLCC during the examination if I am not mistaken. Why?

5) The last song you listened to?
Hate Me by Blue October.

6) What are you doing right now besides this?
I am having this tiny lil voice inside of my head. And it’s torturing me. And I was forced to listen to it. And so, I am listening.

7) What name would you prefer besides yours?
Sofea, my darling fish. (She’s living in my Friendster profile anyway, virtually of course.) Marissa. (My friends from third language class call me with that name. I've told them so many times that that's not my name, that my name is Syahirah but they keep calling me with that name for a reason. And I think I like it. The name is beautiful.) And J!Ll too. (That’s a special name to me.)

People I tag:
1. Kak Jamie
2. Qasiyh
3. Shirley
4. Linziana
5. Athirah

8) Who is number 1?
Kakak angkat saya di sekolah menengah dahulu. Beliau sangat ceria dan baik hati. Selalu bagi saya kad-kad yang sweet, makanan dan dedication juga. Hiks. A cheerful sister who made me laugh of everything, blessed with a loving husband I suppose and soon to be a mother. Will make a young-hot-lovely momma, surely.

9) Number 3 is having a relationship with?
Oh-Ow, I have no idea but surely she’s in one. She’s gorgeous I tell you. My schoolmate back in secondary school. Lama tak jumpa ni but when we were in the final year of school, she was madly in-love with this Muslim boy and I was once believed that she’s going to convert and marry him. Hehs. Akhirnya Evertonia yang convert. *OK,iamoutofcontrol.thememories.it’sallcomingbacktome.nowimisseverybodyinschool*

10) Say something about number 5.
The junior next door back in MOZAC as well as my University-mate. Another shopaholic. And a darling girl too.

11) How about number 4?
Again my ex-schoolmate in MOZAC. Trademark beliau adalah gelaknya yang unik. A shopaholic too. Tidak boleh dipisahkan dengan Marseli. Ada gossip dengan encik F juga. Hehs. (Opss,did I say it out loud?)

12) Who is number 2?
My junior back in secondary school whom I adore for loudness and look. And the honesty too. You rock, girl!

OK, I am tagging the people from my past because I am missing them all. I was peeping through a few blogs of the people I was with during my school years and here I got to see my cousin's blog with his lover. Ahha, Gotcha! But it was set to private. I wish they will get married soon because they've been together since forever and I just can't wait to see them together. (Sorry if the blog is supposed to be a secret. Don't worry, I am not going to tell. Count on me! *giggles*)

Right, all the people are having such beautiful life and I can't help myself from feeling a little bit like a loser. You know, the feeling you get when you have absolutely nothing at all in life, when you reach nowhere better, you have nothing better, while others are so happy with their lovely spouse, some are getting children, some are engaged, some are getting married, most of them are working with big companies and I believe complimented with handsome amount of salary and they are all having blast with their perfect life while here I am, having nothing. Maybe I should learn how to be grateful again as some say I should. I can't help myself to envy those with love surrounds them, especially those who are engaging themselves in serious relationship. No, I am not up for marriage by now. Marriage is never a play thing, it's not a try-and-error game. No No No. I am just longing for the feeling of secure, to wake up in the morning and know by heart that there is someone by my side for good and for bad. Someone that I can turn to. Someone that I can rely on. Someone who will never get bored of knowing me, loving me, and being with me. Someone resistant, the one with the highest capasity to tolerate with my ever-changing moods, with the spoiled me. Someone who will make me as the priority over everything else. Oh I am so carried away with the illusion of perfect life I am imagining myself having. I don't know what I really want in life actually. Suddenly I am lost. No, I mean I know what I am wanting for, it's just that I think I am not going to be able to have it anyway. Maybe I am too demanding. Maybe I am expecting too much. OK, now I complicate things. Maybe I should stop reading the stupid novels. Maybe I should stop writing. Maybe I should really learn how to be grateful. Maybe I should just stop looking at people. But anyway, I am very happy to know that everybody is leading such a good life. Except me. Chill.

[note : I am happy to announce that my ex-bestfriend is getting married next week. (Yet another person I envy.) We are now good friends, of course, just not that close anymore. My class will start on December 30th, and she will be married a day before. I don't know whether to go or not to go. Boo me for being indecisive. So friends, should I go or should not?]

Of A Dream

I’ve got a pang of terror this morning. I’ve got a dream. A bad dream I must say. (Dream here again refers to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep.) Do you know what I dreamed of? It’s my biggest fear of all currently; my examination result. Here’s the description.

I was queuing up in a long line, waiting for my name to be called. (It’s like what you were having at school assembly when you were waiting to be called upon your great achievement in sports or academic field.) I’ve waited long enough to know that my name was the second-last person to be called. That time I was wishing that my parents would have had a glance over me and be proud that my name was called and I was on stage but I could not catch a trace of them at all. It’s OK I thought because I still can impress them with what I am getting. Once I was called, an enveloped was handed to me and I opened it with spasm of hope to be getting good news. I can’t help myself when the slip says I get 3.2 in the exam. No way! I should be getting more, at least a 3.3 and above. And so I was running back to the hostel; obviously it’s the girls’ hostel back in my secondary school when I bumped into Tehah my classmate now and knowing that she gets the dean’s list has made me cry. (To Tehah, if you ever cross this page, congratulations in advance.) I was meaning to meet Amalina to get to know her result, (We have had a deal earlier in real life of things) but she was at no sight. So I went straightaway to the “Prefect Room” and met Hannan there just to know that she's got the dean’s list too and she was organizing a quick party to celebrate with the colleagues with the dean’s list. (You see I have a total mixed-up of people whom I know of my school days and of present time in this dream.) During my high school years, Hannan used to be my closest friend whom I am comfortable to share most of my things with and she's the only person who knows most of my secret besides my best friend, of course. (who is now an ex-best friend to me *sigh*) And of course we exchanged secrets to be fair. Hehs. Since Hannan was just too busy with the preparation, I headed towards the bathroom and cried out loud. (Oh that’s very me. I would always cry in the bathroom or under the blanket. Though I am a big girl now. Shame on me.) While I was crying I was hoping that this is just a dream. It’s only December 12, not December 17 in which the date the result should be announced. We cannot have like a week earlier of announcement. It cannot be happening. You know what; I have a deal with this someone that I am going to get a treat if I make the dean’s list in this dream as well as in real life. I was absorbed with my own thought of how to break the news to that person, whether to cheat by using Amalina’s slip (Mind you people, Amalina is a top-scorer all the way, that we always be joking on me copying her result and claiming it’s mine to get the treat and I will be buying her sorvenirs in return. Hehs. But honestly I don’t think I will be doing that, ever in my life. I cannot bear to live in guilt for cheating just for the sake of getting the treat. Noble, huh? ) or to come clean. And I have decided in the dream to come clean anyway. Great because I have a few other things to sort out, I don’t want to fuck things up and get my life even complicated, if you know what I mean. And there my dream stops.

I wake up and feel a thud of sadness within me. I do still remember of this feeling. It’s the same kind I was having when I got to know my PMR result. I was building so much hope to get straight A’s but I was failed. Geography was really not my thing. (To even mention the word "Geograpy" here is killing me.) In fact it really is not, up to this moment. I am a dumb ass when dealing with Geography. Don’t blame me for that, I’ve put my 101 percent on it but still I ended up getting a B. Maybe it’s just not my luck. I still remember how my parents were trying so hard to cheer me up. They brought me to Mahkota Parade (just because I love to be there, though they hate to be there.) together with my best friend, oh, my so-called best friend (she got straight A’s of course, she’s fucking genius!) and we went to watch movie, we had dinner, a special one, altogether. But on our way back, I could not help myself, I was crying in silent (thank God it was dark at night) to see that Equatorial Hotel where my friends with straight A’s were supposed to be treated. It’s not that I cannot afford a hi-tea there but it’s all different when you get treated. The appreciation is all I am wanting for. And now I was having this bad dream. No, not again! I do not want to experience the pain all over again! Oh, please not.

I thought of telling my mother of this for the sake of getting approval, just in case it turns out to be true that that’s exactly the real thing that will be happening, but I have a tinge of doubt and the hesitation I am having is quite enough to stop myself from telling. Speaking of my mother, she is very dynamic where I hardly can predict her. Or maybe we can assume her as unpredictable. (Everybody that I happen to know is dynamic, except me. I am the only one who seem to be alienated. Static, that's what a person who is significant to me acknowleged me once. Oh, I am such a poor thing.) There are times when I am speaking to her to get her approval, (I’d rather term it into “speaking” than “confronting” because confrontation will always bring me to failure, I simply could not stand the pressure.) expecting her to tranquil me, there she is, nagging me in return and when I expect her to be mad, get angry with me, it happens the other way around. That’s my mother. But despite all, she’s made a very good mother. And she still is. So does my father, he’s a very good father as the matter of fact. It’s just that I have lack interaction with him since he does not speak too much, which I wish he does.

Since I am failing to find a single person to confide in, so here I am, blogging, telling all of you of my dream. My bad dream. You know I am obsessed with my dreams, don’t you? Earlier this week I’ve got dreams-come-true on a few things like my cousin Huda was telling me that my cousin Faisal is making me as his top friend in Friendster (maybe he has no intention of making me the top friend, it’s maybe just the stupid Friendster has got confused and set everything up) and my friend at school, Naa does add me in Facebook and both of them are definitely true. They are happening for real! I didn’t know why I was having such dreams. Not just ordinary dreams but dreams-come-true type of dreams. Maybe I was a bit stressed out. I was having such tough times lately. The little quarrel with the siblings. (I am at success of bringing it on up to today, I was putting this don’t-you-ever-dare-to-argue-with-me face on, all day and I was not speaking to both of them, the little sister and the little brother.) With the things which I considered resolved suddenly become unresolved again. (Have you ever been at one point where you are certain about things, important things of course, in your life like you have decided that you wanted to do this, you wanted to be that, you would end up being with this particular person but suddenly it changed all of sudden due to a few things that happened to you where you feel like “I have had enough of this” that now you are being completely unsure of those things that you are about 99 percent sure of before?) And a lot more things. My life is a total mess. I fucked things up.

I had been told once that I need to have a goal in life. And so I build up my goal. I’ve reviewed my goal with a few friends that I’d trusted for life but they said I must lower down my expectations since I am having high expectations on life. I can’t expect things to go on my way all the time which I am expecting it to be like for the whole time of my life and once the thing falls out its way, I am the one who will be suffering of frustration by not getting it the way I wanted. So maybe at this point I have to rethink and do amendments of the goal that I should have in my life. Or maybe I should not have a goal, I should just go with the flow like I used to live my life once, two years back to be precise, with having nothing to worry about, with having no one to impress, no set-up marks or grades or pointers or whatever-they-term-it to be achieved, and just follow where life might bring me to and pretend like it’s fine, I’m trying not to make it a huge deal, to make myself smile brightly and just to show that I am fine being myself, quite myself I would say, enjoying my life to the max, and not to care what other people might perceive me as whether it’s I am not struggling too much, or I am just a lazy bum, or I am just a stupid girl who gets her hair colored with no brain, or anything. (You just put it in a list, help yourself, please.) I don’t really care, I don't even bother back then. What you think is your business, not mine. I don't give a damn.

Oh that dream gave a big impact on me considering it might be my worst result in my tract record so far if it happens to be true. And I will be living my life with horror for the remaining five days till the result is announced. Haisyy. Ribena, anyone?