Bitter-Sweet Memories (Part 1)

12 weeks was not that long, as most people say. That was the total time allocated to me for my practicum, and I think it's long enough for me (I believe you know the reason why. It's not my passion to teach.) and I am deeply grateful that I survived with minor injuries (emotionally abused due to a few unwanted occasions. Hehs.) During that period, I was expected to carry the duty of a real teacher. I was given a rumah sukan (yellow--temenggung), I've become the guru penasihat for Taekwando (hahaha. shut up.) I was appointed to become guru penasihat for Kelab Seni Kreatif (impressive eh) as well as the guru penasihat for Ping Pong Club. I was assigned to the afternoon session; so hooray, God blessed me! I am never a morning person. I thought I didn't have to wake up early in the morning but I was wrong since I had to come to school early everyday as I was honored to train the choral speakers. And yes, I also had to come at 8.00a.m every Tuesday for sports' practice. I was given 10 periods of teaching per week and 4 to 5 periods for relief classes, everyday. (pembuli sungguh T__T) One period equals to 35 minutes. I was at school from 7a.m to 7p.m  on the first day of the orientation week (due to misunderstanding of the school and the faculty, they didn't let us know that we're assigned to the afternoon session and so we had to stay back until the school ends that day, and for the very first day, I was given 5 relief classes and I was lost. And my first week of entering relief classes was suck. Really. I don't want to go into detail for that. So basically, during that 12 weeks of time, my life was dedicated to school. (Oh I sounded too dedicated. *PUKE*)

So for this entry, I'd like to share some of my bitter-sweet moments in school. I hope this post will inspire those who would go to school for practicum and will refresh the memories to those who had been in school as a trainee teacher. Things that I've experienced were not that bad, anyway. You can have so much fun with your students. Try to get along with them and be part of them, you're going to get their trust and blend in, believe me.

I was assigned to two different classes; one of a class which consists of very advanced students, and another one is of mixed ability students. People say it'd be easier teaching advanced students but I think both advanced and intermediate offer their own challenges. I would say I am not that advanced user of English Language, I would rather rank myself in the middle stage where as English is not my everyday language; it's still a second language to me. I mean I don't speak English at home, I rarely converse in English with my friends outside the faculty (or should I say class?) though we have tried it trillion times and the attempts were at success for ten minutes, the most, and the only time I use English is when interacting in blog and facebook (other than in class, during presentation, with lecturers.) So, when I had a class of advanced students, it's sort of a torture to me, considering that they are all competent and fluent (they would rather use "conspicuous" than "obvious" in their everyday conversation for instance. There's nothing wrong with it, I swear. But can't you see where they are at and they're only thirteen?) and rich (this maybe a bit off topic since it's not applied to my students but there are form one students who come to school carrying an original LV I tell you for God's sake. I know I should not bother that but I can't help myself. The principal too, had warned us the trainee to be careful with our words, our instructions and all that as she didn't want us to get into trouble when it comes to dealing with the rich parents.The thought was bothering me all the time.) which had made me feel tiny and a bit inferior. I am big small at heart. I infact lost my competency during the first few weeks due to my lack of confidence (and preparations. My bad.) Other than that, I had no problem with them, (except for one student who purposely neglected the tasks I'd assigned and she had a hard time when I had to collect their books for the principal to check.) they were in control, they were very cooperative (this includes the "acting" session when my lecturer came in for his observations. I should thank them for that.)

For my mixed class (I would rather term them as intermediate) I had different problem. I had students with good command of English as well as students who failed miserably in their UPSR. And I even had students from remove class; they're quite a number which I only got to know when the first few weeks had past which made me feel so bad for not knowing at the very first place. (And oh I forgot to mention that I taught only form one classes since the school were lacking in lower-forms teachers.) So everytime I enter the class, I'll have students who stare blankly at me while I am speaking. There was one time, a few female students asked me "Cikgu, Cikgu ni orang apa?" and I was shocked to get that curious look and weird question at the same time. "Cikgu ni orang putih eh?", they asked me again, curiously. I asked them why and guess what they said? "Yelah, Cikgu cakap Bahasa Inggeris, ingatkan Cikgu ni orang putih. Kenapa Cikgu ni asyik cakap Bahasa Inggeris je?" Can you imagine that? And during my first week entering the class, I got chinese students speaking Mandarin to me (There were only seven Malays in that class over 36 students. And I still had students speaking chinese to me, just to piss me off throughout the 12 weeks. Never did I take it too serious as I view them as immature little brothers and sisters though sometimes I feel like speaking Arabic to them just to make them feel how I feel but that would be too bad; for bullying the kids. I would feel bad for that. Out of it, I've learnt several phrases in Mandarin. Cool, isn't it?) I was so worried that that class has a huge gap in proficiency level. Therefore, I had to go for intermediate tasks and extra attention were given to those weak students. I had to translate back in Malay, for the Malays, and asked the good ones to help me translate the task in Mandarin, for the Chinese. And the instruction would always be written on the whiteboard too. But still I have to bear with the fact that there will always be questions like "Teacher, what to do?" or "Teacher, need to copy eh?" or "Teacher, need to pass up today?" and the most favorite question which is "Teacher, what book?" (this question seemed to be a curse, not only to me, but to all my friends who did their practicum in other schools as well. It never fails to depress me.) though I had stated clearly "BOOK 3", "Topic: Present Tense", "Task 1: Copy down the passage in your Book 3 and fill in the blanks with the words given in the box" I also draw the box with Present Tense words in it followed by the passage. And don't be surprise that there were students who asked " Teacher, what box?" And there were also students who passed up the wrong book and you got everything all mixed up together in the wrong book. Worse, some would just copy everything without knowing what to do and when I asked they said they're done, and when they passed up, I got only a beautifully written pasage without the answer, and some didn't even bother to pass up. So I had to go observe everyone in the class, whether they're doing right or not. And it is so very crucial to repeat your instructions over and over again (or in other words to repeat back everything) just so they remember and stay in track. And sometimes you might need to refine and simplify the instructions and tasks and go step-by-step of everything with them. I wonder why is it really difficult for kids nowadays to follow orders from teacher. Unlike my fellow muzaffarians and I, we were obidient, we really listened to teachers. (eceh. But seriously, we did. Nakal-nakal sikit tu adalah but still we're in control and we know the limit. Students nowadays are totally different. Especially the upper form students. Bukanlah semua but most of them are. I am writing based on my observation.) So everytime I had hard times with my students, be it students from my classes as well as students of the relief classes, I would always try to recall back whether or not I had behaved in such manner to my teachers back in school and I believe (as far as I am concerned, second by the boifren as well :P ) I did not. So I always say to myself "This is not KARMA. I was not that bad in school. This is just a test from God" to enable me to breath in and out again :P 

The good thing to have facebook nowadays is that you could get to know your students and their social activities and backrounds. And they get to know you better too. Generally, I allow my students to be friend with me in that social network and I keep only one account as I want them to treat me as their friends, so there will be no big gap between us. There are good and bad consequence of course. The good thing is that I was aware of their emotion, of what's going on in their life, and some of them seek for my advice upon certain issues. I feel honored as I am trusted for that matter. But the bad thing, they might go beyond your expectation as they feel like they're so close to you. Some of my students did invite me to join their hangouts with their boyfriends. "Teacher, we're going out this Sunday. Would you like to join? We're coming with our (form three and form four) boyfriends. We gonna watch movie. Teacher let's join us at _____ at _____ a.m on Sunday. Please bring along your boyfriend, we'd like to know him. Abg ____ kan teacher?" I have absolutely no problem with that as a person, I am infact in a relationship at the moment and personally, I think it's good to go hangout with them sometimes but to look at it from a teacher's perspective, I should not encourage them to get involve in a relationship at this age, I should advise them to stay focus on studies. They're only thirteen. It's a looooooong way to go for that. But I don't want to spoil the moment, sound old and uncool at the same time. Haha. So I had to decline, saying that I had to attend class, please not to forget the homeworks, and please behave. Sorry I lied. But I hope I'd given the right advice.

Guess those are some of my experience that I manage to share here for this entry. (I have a lot more :P but can't tell it in a go. I'll try to find time to write OK :) )No doubt, the teaching and learning session was tiring (and I think if I got paid for that, mesti berkat punya. Because all the time allocated for classes was used efficiently to the fullest. Hehs.) A teacher has an endless duty. Those who have never experienced being in school as teacher would not understand the suffering and the workloads a teacher had to face. Apart from teaching, teachers have tons of other things to do from curricular activities to even clerical jobs and sometimes I feel that those are ridiculous. I've experienced joining in a few big events like the PTA's meeting and it was miserable I would say. Therefore, to be a teacher, one needs the passion and deep interest, otherwise, you won't survive. And here, I'd like to take the oportunity to wish all teachers in the world Happy Teacher's Day. (Errr...I hope it's not too late :P )

So, to think back, those hardships I faced (which had made me freaked myself out and burst into tears then) would make me smile now because I could not believe I had gone through such experience and I survived and it's kind of funny to reminisce and it's a worth try, considering that I've got to get-to-know and work with great people (well, some were not.) in a real school environment. It was a wonderful experience.

[p/s: Thank you Mr. Love for being by my side at all times, listening to my blab everyday, comforting me and advising me not to kill myself because I'm still young and beautiful (joke joke) and the girlfriends especially teacher Yuyu from Bandar Utama Damansara 4, teacher Dib dari Convent Klang and teacher Amalina from Tropicana for sharing the experience (and lesson plans. haha.) to make me sane and feel good again (because we're all sharing quite same experience so techniquely we understand each other.) Million thank you goes to my parents too who supported me financially (all expenses are on myself so they're my source, encik boifren ada membantu juga. wee.) and emotionally. Terima kasih juga kepada kakak Idayu saya yang banyak berkorban *hugs* untuk spoilt not-so-little-anymore cousin ini. Eheh. Thank you. I'm blessed to be surrounded by nice people and grateful for that :) ]

Of You. Of Me.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I hope it's not too late to wish everyone a very happy new year (1431H.) All of sudden I feel nostalgic and guilty and happy at once. To reflect back of all my deeds this year, I must say that I should apologize to this someone whom the heart was broken. I am sorry for everything that I have done to you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's not you, it's all me that I have decided on which path I am going to take, which life I am going to live, with whom I am going to spend my whole life with (if God wills) and too bad Andres, it's not you. I am deeply sorry for that. I wish we still can be friend. I'd love to have a very good friend like you. On the other hand, I am terribly happy that my life now is perfectly perfect that I have people who love me all around me. And it feels so good that I would not even care of anything else because I know I am going to have supportive people to get me through if ever I hit the ground, I could not care less of whatever disaster that may come across my way.

Ok, let's get down to my core business here that is to reveal (what? reveal? pardon me, my choice of words today is getting poorer. sometimes I think I've lost my sense.) a little bit of my activities that filled my holiday (which will end pretty soon, my god!) and I think pictures may help me do the talking.

OK, these above pictures were taken when mommy, daddy, my lil sister and I roasted the catfish at granny's place (tepi stor, port memasak ketupat rendang dan juga lemang time raya) The first picture is of course of my mommy and daddy and the second one is the not-yet-roasted-catfish. It's finger licking good, I tell you.

These above pictures on the other hand were taken when we went for a trip organized by UMNO. I happened to replace a place of a member who couldn't make it last minute. Therefore, I consider myself lucky because it's free that I don't have to pay even a penny. The first picture was taken on top of the Menara Taming Sari while the second picture was taken when I was on top of the Eye On Malaysia with mommy and my little sister. We went for boat-riding along Malacca River too but I didn't take any picture because I was just too busy listening to the explanation given by the tourist guide of the historical buildings that can be seen along the way and the experience is valuable; it made me proud to be Malaysian.

These are pictures of my friends (ehem) and I when we were out for movie trips (notice the "S". We just love watching movies. Movies that we find interesting jelah, of course, like Couples Retreat, The Princess and The Frog, and a lot more. Santau pun I layan haha. But Phobia 2 is the eeriest, spine-chilling movie for this year over. The ending was unexpected and fantastic I'd say.), out for sight-seeing the town, window shopping at the Jonker Walk, and of course while our coffee-break time. I wish not to put more pictures because I am not going to transform this blog into a photoblog. Lols.

Apart from those happy moments, I have experienced living without mommy (that practically made me an orphan. And disabled.) because she was away for a week the other day and yeay, (oh no!) I had to cook for my family! Guess what I'd prepared for them? The all-time-favorite that is of course my lovely Sambal! Everyday pun sambal. Sambal sotong, sambal udang, sambal ayam, sambal sardin, sambal telur that made my little brother and little sister felt so stressed out. But what do I do? That's the only food on earth I am capable (and ahem, expert. note the word people, mark the word.) to prepare. Well at least they didn't die out of hunger, no? Should I put pictures of food that I'd made? Yes? No? Better not to la kan. Hehs.

One more thing, I've cut my hair off, meaning that I have a super short hair cut. And the good thing is I am not blonde anymore and my parents are so relieved that the colored hair is gone now. Sobsob. I wish I could stand the pressure and the urge inside of me (syaitonirrojim neyh.) of getting my hair colored forever. Amin.

The result was officially announced last week and alhamdulillah, I've made it to practicum. I thought I'm going to fail a few subjects but I was so lucky that I didn't fail and manage to proceed to the next level. Last semester was the toughest semester of all, I would say, considering of the situations I've been in and through. And it's agreeable by my fellow third-year teslians that semester six is the hardest so far. Speaking of practicum, it takes my breath away to think of what might happen and how am I going to survive when teaching is not my passion. I still have the list of "Things that I fear from practicum" that my Classroom Management lecturer asked us to list it down with me and they are unfortunately still the things that I fear. I wonder how do I teach a language. It's not Science nor Maths, it's English Language for God's sake! It freaks me out even more to realize the fact that my future students are all beyond the critical period, meaning that the ability for them to absorb the language had decreased unless they are already proficient. And I got to know from one of my lectures that the ability and time of acquisition of each student are unique. Ahmad who is a form one student  might be able to learn and master Present Tense on January 15, while his classmate Ali will not master it on that day and Ali might possibly master it when he reaches fourteen. I forgot the name of the theory but yes, that's one of the theories that linguists proposed. How do I survive? How am I possibly teach each student with different topic accordingly if I were to consider the theory and how do I know who will be able to learn what topic at a specific time? I am dead meat, can't you see? And one more thing, we are still waiting for the list of school we are going to be posted to and it gives me goosebumps to think of where I might be sent off, be it a school where everyone speaks English all their life or a school where English is an alient language. And I don't drive, therefore, how am I going to get myself to school? I am a person with full of questions. Yours, till my questions answered.

[p/s: I am so excited that blogspot allows me to cross out words. I think it's a new application as I noticed at the above box. I feel so high-tech! And it's cool! Weehoo!]

Of The Happy Moments

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I last wrote in this blog. I think I have lost my flow of writing now and the thought of it is terrifying me. Neither I am implying that I have a flawless writing skill but at least I was able to sit and write out sensible thoughts (and sometimes my insane thoughts upon things too) before. I wanted to make a few posts earlier sharing my experience getting back to school but I was facing problem with the connection that has made me to wait like a week. Once it was fixed, another problem turned up, affecting my computer and until now it’s not fully fixed. Shit happens you see.

And now it’s already the third week of schooling. The classes are all OK. Though there are not so many students inside the class I am in now because there are a lot of rumors (obviously of the bad things) spreading about the lecturers whose teaching my class but I am so much engaged to my classes now because I have got to get more attention and I am pretty sure that the lecturers would remember my name by the end of the semester. I personally think that it is quite unfair to judge the lecturers when you have not even met them yet, to claim them to have certain manner merely based on people’s talking. Please do not get offended, this is just my personal opinion. This is my way of seeing things, as always. I would rather be in the class first, only then I would not feel guilty to rank them to be either nice or monstrous. And my judgment is subject to change from time to time depending on the treatment I am getting from them. Yes, I am difficult. Have not I told this earlier? But so far, the lecturers are all OK I would say. In fact, I have started to favor a few lecturers as they are all young and talented and knowledgeable and beautiful and they have the qualities that make them to be an effective lecturer. (Except for this one lady, it’s quite true that she’s some sort of strict and scary. Haha.)

I don’t want to give emphasis on the dark sides of happenings in my life. Yes there were several things that I don’t expect would turn to be like that but it turned out to be like that, and I could do nothing to fix it because there’s no way out of it, and I think it’s going to stay that way, no regret. I would rather put the memorable moments here. So far, I am coping quite well with studies. No doubt I have fuckload of assignments that have to be done in short time, I am done with two presentations, I am submitting one assignment as I write this and I am getting a foreign lecturer who has a beautiful British accent that makes me feel like studying abroad, being friends with Kate Nash (hey I love her songs and her accent. But it’s kind of hard to make the accent into practice as I had mentioned before) to replace my lecturer who went missing (hahaha) for maternity leave and she will only be back in September. Hahaha.

I have had a lot of fun too. My friends and I went to Genting Highlands and we got the chance to stay there one night. Thanks to Rain and Zul for the hotel treat. It was my second time to be there and my friends were being crazy pushing me to try almost all games there and I screamed as if I was going to die when I got onto that Cyclone and a few other games and it was fun. I have taken the chance to try go-cart-ing too and I was the last person to reach the final lap and I think it’s still impressive considering the fact that I have stopped driving like five years now. And should I add that I like the weather there. I think I really need to be abroad now. Everybody can dream as they say, right? Hahaha. Here I am going to include some pictures that were taken there. I also got my cousin accompanied to her friend’s wedding and I was dying to see her house is equipped with elevator. The family is so rich obviously. They got the Upin and Ipin mascot too because the father is the owner of that particular company. Cool, don’t you think? I also went out with my roommate and Andres some day around and both outings were great. Andres brought me to a place I have never been before and treated me nicely as always. We always try new things when we get together and that’s what I like about being with Andres. Thank you.

I think I’d better get going for my Human and Development class at 4.00 p.m. My aunt asked me to do her a favor by helping her to sell her baju kebaya that she bought in Jakarta and I think I am going to put the pictures of those kebayas here just in case you are interested in buying. The materials are very good and up-to-date and the price is affordable. I’ll put that later OK because I am running out of time now. Till then. Have a good day, people.

Shall We Dance? Because This Is Going To Be FUN!

Semester is scheduled to start like ten days from now. *sob* And so, I was checking on my timetable (aww, feel like I am back at school by mentioning the word "timetable") for next semester. And I was so gay, (oh puh-leeez) to be having to get up real early since my beautiful weekdays will be filled with morning classes. Never in my life I have been a morning person, please take a note and credit to me. And I am too delight *gasping for air* to mention that Tuesdays are going to be my luckiest day, considering the fact that I am going to have seven (I repeat, SEVEN) hours of class that day. Geeee, thanks! I wonder how do I fix the schedule, to make it more sane, or in other words;

1. not to wake me up too early for classes,
2. to have more free time, (OK OK, I know it is way too much to ask for.)
3. or at least to have a more balanced schedule. Yes, I want a well-balanced schedule. So badly.

But I am going to like Mondays, considering the fact that I am going to have just a two-hour class which will start only at 5.10 p.m. Cool, isn't it?

[p/s: All of sudden, I am feeling nostalgic. And I do maths before I sleep. Therefore, I am a total freak!]

Name-Calling

It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.

This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )

I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.

Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)

To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?

I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)

[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]

My Teaching

For the first three days of hari raya, I neglected all my assignments and pretended that I have not gotten any to care of. I don’t even bother to have a look at them. I just wanted to enjoy my raya days to the fullest. As the result of being such a great procrastinator, I did not sleep in order to finish up my lesson plan and I have presented it in class just now. I was the first presenter ever because my friend whom suppose to present on listening was absent (we are supposed to start with teaching listening first followed by teaching speaking) so I became the lucky number one. My God! I was nervous like hell but it’s so weird that I was not shaking like always (but I guess the whole class could tell that I was nervous because my face turned pale the moment I spoke up. Blush, I couldn’t help myself. I think I should start wearing lipstick whenever I need to do the teaching. Hehs.) Luckily I have not mispronounced my words (this is my biggest fear. I always worry if the things I have planned to say do not come out like what it should be, because it happened once during my foundation year then I will be embarrassed and my face will turn red and the whole world will know that something went wrong with me. It's out of my control, I swear. If I can ever take control of that, it will be great. Anybody knows how to overcome it? Would you please share with me? Thank you) and it turned out to be just an average I must say. But to be the first gave me advantage (of course the disadvantage too that I do not wish to mention it, I am becoming a whole optimistic here) that the whole class was paying their full attention so I did not encounter with so much problems in terms of capturing the attention but I am quite embarrassed to get a full attention from the whole class, I am a 50 percent introvert kind of person but I am pushing myself to be an extrovert now. So to cope with such attention may require me some time to enable me to make an adjustment to that. And to be called a “teacher” is quite a pressure to me. That title comes together with a big responsibility (however not with a big amount of salary. Why? I wonder) that is not easy to carry where everybody is putting the hope on you. As a teacher too, you ought to behave all the time since you are the role model of your students. Enough saying, I don’t want to pressure myself now. Let’s pretend that I am OK with that fact.

Once I finished with my teaching, I got a note from a member of my class but I have no idea where on earth the note came from. I have uploaded the note on top of this post (because I don't know how to move it to the bottom or to the middle part of the post. Silly me. Blush.) if and only if you wish to have a look at it. I take it as a compliment. So sweet. (though I know I did it not-that-perfect but it was not-that-bad though and I guess that person just wanted to cheer me up.) To the writer of the note, I would like to say thank you. I really appreciate your effort to send me that tiny little thing. Though it's just a piece of paper, you have really made my day. (and you should know how I treasure things. I have this super-extra sentimental values within me that lately I have become super sensitive out of I-don't-know-why. I feel like I am no longer flexible, but I will try to be one back, very soon. I don't want to feel like a loser anymore. Now I went off the topic. I should not mention it here. Today is supposed to be my day. Haisyy. ) So tonight I can sleep and rest peacefully. I feel good and relief that I have completed like three-quarter of my assignments. I am now left with my third language assessments, my mock meeting, and my creative project together with my PTE project. Thank God.

Career Counseling

Today in my career counseling class I have learnt two approaches; Trait and Factor Theory as well as Ann Roe Theory. From my understanding, Trait and Factor Theory highlights two terms trait—a characteristic of an individual that can be measured through testing, it’s an internal element within oneself, and factor—a characteristic required for successful job performances where it’s an external element like environment for instance. This theory says that genetic factors are far more important than environmental factors to shape one’s personality with about three quarter of their variance being accounted for by heredity and the rest by the environment. The significant? It’s when you know what you are, what traits you inherit from your family, it will later determine your career path. I don’t know how far this theory works but maybe it can be interpreted this way. When both father and mother of Albert are teachers, Albert will have the tendency to become a teacher when he grows up since he inherits the genetic of teacher, the characteristics of a teacher to be precise. I don’t know. I was a bit lost of this theory actually.

Another theory that we discussed was Ann Roe Theory. This theory gives emphasis on how parenting styles as in early relation with family could affect the career direction of oneself. The two parenting styles are accepting parents where good rapport exists between parents and the children and this will result in the choice of career of the children in the future where that person is said to have the tendency to opt for person oriented occupation while the rejecting parents will result in the child to go for a non-person oriented occupation; that person would prefer to work with machines for example, rather than human being.

Learning both theories makes me wonder which theory suits me most. I have gotten enough care and attention from my parent, and yet I am still not into teaching (though I’m doing B.ed TESL. I have completed a year of foundation and I am now in my final semester of the second year, I have about four semesters to go and having that B.ed is actually a license to teach, just like what my Dean of the faculty told us during the “Majlis Amanat Dekan”. We even sang “Guru Malaysia” song to get that spirit of becoming a teacher but still I don’t have much enthusiasm towards teaching. I would say I have developed only about 30% of my interest towards teaching along the way and it’s really something to me to gain that much interest since I am not into teaching at all when I first step in the institution for the last two and a half years. I bet that’s the highest percentage I could achieve and it will remain that way. I enjoy myself being with people, human being I would say, but to engage myself in a career which requires me to deal with people, to teach to be precise is quite a No-No to me, and should I highlight that dealing with people will never be an easy task.) FYI, teaching can be considered as one of the person oriented occupation. To look at my family from both my father and mother side, they are from various career fields; they involve in business, they involve in art things, they are teachers, engineers, lawyers, doctors to name a few. So I don’t know which theory I belong to actually. I reckon human being as unique and yet complicated. And I believe that none of the theory could fit each and every one of us precisely because we human being are unique in our own ways. But I don’t know. It’s just my opinion.