I am off to see the wizard. Off to La-La Land.

Oh saya sungguh rasa nak mati. Serious shit tak tipu.

Thank you to Taufiq for that “Laskar Pelangi”. It helped. Ikan saya dah mati. Memang.
Thank you to Dr Inas and Dr Qish. Thank you for the prescriptions.
Thank you to Aiman for the support and understanding. Man, aku nak ikut kau pergi Turki. Aku pun nak pergi. Bawa hati. Macam kau.
Thank you to Andres for always being there for me, though I am mean to you, at almost all occasion. You’re the only one blessed with the highest capacity to tolerate the dark side of me. Thank you so much. I am touched.
To the girls, thank you so much too to help me through.
To kawan-kawan virtual macam nasapollo,amknight,bimbo,choki (put your name here, I mean it, I am too dizzy to make a list now. Sorry.) terima kasih juga. Kamu sangat baik. I am blessed to have a circle of friends that truly care. Thank you.

Sumpah. I never thought that things like this really happen. For God’s sake! I always wonder “Eh, eh, cerita macam ni pun diorang buat. Agaknya terjadi for real tak?” But now, it’s happening to me! Yes, me! ME! Syahirah. Game over kawan-kawan. It’s official. I am a complete loser. Damn it! I think I should talk of it, but nothing much I can say here. Takut-takut nanti kawan-kawan semua pun nak ikut saya mati bersama. Mungkin benar kata Encik F, I should go for a Rational-Emotive-Behavioral-Therapy session. Oh I could not take it. I thought I am strong but I am totally wrong. For that I am off. To see the wizard. Off to La-La Land. Of mine, my very one of a kind. Take care everyone. Wish me a peace of mind.

Tag and My "oh-so-beautiful" Life

I was tagged by Beedadary, a coursemate of mine. The name is very rare. And unique too. And she's beautiful, I remind you.

1) Do you think you're hot?

Hot as in? Be it hot-tempered then it’s quite a yes for nowadays. Be it hot as in body temperature then it’s a yes too. (Hold on to my hands for living proof.)

2) Upload your favourite picture of you.

3) Why do you like that picture?
Because it symbolizes the best thing that we can do with our lips as it shows. Ouww. But my most-favorite picture would be my display image at the profile because that was me back then, when I have not put on my make-ups, (Hey, no lipsticks and no foundation. No gothic-look like what I used to put on now. And no pimples too. Yes. None at all.) I didn’t know how to paint my nails, (and didn’t even bother to get them painted once I was having my menstrual of course) and I have not gotten my hair colored yet that time. So it was the purest of me. Cuba compare dengan gambar yang di bawah ni. Ibu-ibu mesti beristighfar bila tengok. (highlight : warna pada kuku.) Oh.

4) When was the last time you ate pizza?
Pizza. Pizza. Now I am craving for it. You should take the blame for matter’s arising. Hehs. Last time when we went out to KLCC during the examination if I am not mistaken. Why?

5) The last song you listened to?
Hate Me by Blue October.

6) What are you doing right now besides this?
I am having this tiny lil voice inside of my head. And it’s torturing me. And I was forced to listen to it. And so, I am listening.

7) What name would you prefer besides yours?
Sofea, my darling fish. (She’s living in my Friendster profile anyway, virtually of course.) Marissa. (My friends from third language class call me with that name. I've told them so many times that that's not my name, that my name is Syahirah but they keep calling me with that name for a reason. And I think I like it. The name is beautiful.) And J!Ll too. (That’s a special name to me.)

People I tag:
1. Kak Jamie
2. Qasiyh
3. Shirley
4. Linziana
5. Athirah

8) Who is number 1?
Kakak angkat saya di sekolah menengah dahulu. Beliau sangat ceria dan baik hati. Selalu bagi saya kad-kad yang sweet, makanan dan dedication juga. Hiks. A cheerful sister who made me laugh of everything, blessed with a loving husband I suppose and soon to be a mother. Will make a young-hot-lovely momma, surely.

9) Number 3 is having a relationship with?
Oh-Ow, I have no idea but surely she’s in one. She’s gorgeous I tell you. My schoolmate back in secondary school. Lama tak jumpa ni but when we were in the final year of school, she was madly in-love with this Muslim boy and I was once believed that she’s going to convert and marry him. Hehs. Akhirnya Evertonia yang convert. *OK,iamoutofcontrol.thememories.it’sallcomingbacktome.nowimisseverybodyinschool*

10) Say something about number 5.
The junior next door back in MOZAC as well as my University-mate. Another shopaholic. And a darling girl too.

11) How about number 4?
Again my ex-schoolmate in MOZAC. Trademark beliau adalah gelaknya yang unik. A shopaholic too. Tidak boleh dipisahkan dengan Marseli. Ada gossip dengan encik F juga. Hehs. (Opss,did I say it out loud?)

12) Who is number 2?
My junior back in secondary school whom I adore for loudness and look. And the honesty too. You rock, girl!

OK, I am tagging the people from my past because I am missing them all. I was peeping through a few blogs of the people I was with during my school years and here I got to see my cousin's blog with his lover. Ahha, Gotcha! But it was set to private. I wish they will get married soon because they've been together since forever and I just can't wait to see them together. (Sorry if the blog is supposed to be a secret. Don't worry, I am not going to tell. Count on me! *giggles*)

Right, all the people are having such beautiful life and I can't help myself from feeling a little bit like a loser. You know, the feeling you get when you have absolutely nothing at all in life, when you reach nowhere better, you have nothing better, while others are so happy with their lovely spouse, some are getting children, some are engaged, some are getting married, most of them are working with big companies and I believe complimented with handsome amount of salary and they are all having blast with their perfect life while here I am, having nothing. Maybe I should learn how to be grateful again as some say I should. I can't help myself to envy those with love surrounds them, especially those who are engaging themselves in serious relationship. No, I am not up for marriage by now. Marriage is never a play thing, it's not a try-and-error game. No No No. I am just longing for the feeling of secure, to wake up in the morning and know by heart that there is someone by my side for good and for bad. Someone that I can turn to. Someone that I can rely on. Someone who will never get bored of knowing me, loving me, and being with me. Someone resistant, the one with the highest capasity to tolerate with my ever-changing moods, with the spoiled me. Someone who will make me as the priority over everything else. Oh I am so carried away with the illusion of perfect life I am imagining myself having. I don't know what I really want in life actually. Suddenly I am lost. No, I mean I know what I am wanting for, it's just that I think I am not going to be able to have it anyway. Maybe I am too demanding. Maybe I am expecting too much. OK, now I complicate things. Maybe I should stop reading the stupid novels. Maybe I should stop writing. Maybe I should really learn how to be grateful. Maybe I should just stop looking at people. But anyway, I am very happy to know that everybody is leading such a good life. Except me. Chill.

[note : I am happy to announce that my ex-bestfriend is getting married next week. (Yet another person I envy.) We are now good friends, of course, just not that close anymore. My class will start on December 30th, and she will be married a day before. I don't know whether to go or not to go. Boo me for being indecisive. So friends, should I go or should not?]

Of A Dream

I’ve got a pang of terror this morning. I’ve got a dream. A bad dream I must say. (Dream here again refers to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep.) Do you know what I dreamed of? It’s my biggest fear of all currently; my examination result. Here’s the description.

I was queuing up in a long line, waiting for my name to be called. (It’s like what you were having at school assembly when you were waiting to be called upon your great achievement in sports or academic field.) I’ve waited long enough to know that my name was the second-last person to be called. That time I was wishing that my parents would have had a glance over me and be proud that my name was called and I was on stage but I could not catch a trace of them at all. It’s OK I thought because I still can impress them with what I am getting. Once I was called, an enveloped was handed to me and I opened it with spasm of hope to be getting good news. I can’t help myself when the slip says I get 3.2 in the exam. No way! I should be getting more, at least a 3.3 and above. And so I was running back to the hostel; obviously it’s the girls’ hostel back in my secondary school when I bumped into Tehah my classmate now and knowing that she gets the dean’s list has made me cry. (To Tehah, if you ever cross this page, congratulations in advance.) I was meaning to meet Amalina to get to know her result, (We have had a deal earlier in real life of things) but she was at no sight. So I went straightaway to the “Prefect Room” and met Hannan there just to know that she's got the dean’s list too and she was organizing a quick party to celebrate with the colleagues with the dean’s list. (You see I have a total mixed-up of people whom I know of my school days and of present time in this dream.) During my high school years, Hannan used to be my closest friend whom I am comfortable to share most of my things with and she's the only person who knows most of my secret besides my best friend, of course. (who is now an ex-best friend to me *sigh*) And of course we exchanged secrets to be fair. Hehs. Since Hannan was just too busy with the preparation, I headed towards the bathroom and cried out loud. (Oh that’s very me. I would always cry in the bathroom or under the blanket. Though I am a big girl now. Shame on me.) While I was crying I was hoping that this is just a dream. It’s only December 12, not December 17 in which the date the result should be announced. We cannot have like a week earlier of announcement. It cannot be happening. You know what; I have a deal with this someone that I am going to get a treat if I make the dean’s list in this dream as well as in real life. I was absorbed with my own thought of how to break the news to that person, whether to cheat by using Amalina’s slip (Mind you people, Amalina is a top-scorer all the way, that we always be joking on me copying her result and claiming it’s mine to get the treat and I will be buying her sorvenirs in return. Hehs. But honestly I don’t think I will be doing that, ever in my life. I cannot bear to live in guilt for cheating just for the sake of getting the treat. Noble, huh? ) or to come clean. And I have decided in the dream to come clean anyway. Great because I have a few other things to sort out, I don’t want to fuck things up and get my life even complicated, if you know what I mean. And there my dream stops.

I wake up and feel a thud of sadness within me. I do still remember of this feeling. It’s the same kind I was having when I got to know my PMR result. I was building so much hope to get straight A’s but I was failed. Geography was really not my thing. (To even mention the word "Geograpy" here is killing me.) In fact it really is not, up to this moment. I am a dumb ass when dealing with Geography. Don’t blame me for that, I’ve put my 101 percent on it but still I ended up getting a B. Maybe it’s just not my luck. I still remember how my parents were trying so hard to cheer me up. They brought me to Mahkota Parade (just because I love to be there, though they hate to be there.) together with my best friend, oh, my so-called best friend (she got straight A’s of course, she’s fucking genius!) and we went to watch movie, we had dinner, a special one, altogether. But on our way back, I could not help myself, I was crying in silent (thank God it was dark at night) to see that Equatorial Hotel where my friends with straight A’s were supposed to be treated. It’s not that I cannot afford a hi-tea there but it’s all different when you get treated. The appreciation is all I am wanting for. And now I was having this bad dream. No, not again! I do not want to experience the pain all over again! Oh, please not.

I thought of telling my mother of this for the sake of getting approval, just in case it turns out to be true that that’s exactly the real thing that will be happening, but I have a tinge of doubt and the hesitation I am having is quite enough to stop myself from telling. Speaking of my mother, she is very dynamic where I hardly can predict her. Or maybe we can assume her as unpredictable. (Everybody that I happen to know is dynamic, except me. I am the only one who seem to be alienated. Static, that's what a person who is significant to me acknowleged me once. Oh, I am such a poor thing.) There are times when I am speaking to her to get her approval, (I’d rather term it into “speaking” than “confronting” because confrontation will always bring me to failure, I simply could not stand the pressure.) expecting her to tranquil me, there she is, nagging me in return and when I expect her to be mad, get angry with me, it happens the other way around. That’s my mother. But despite all, she’s made a very good mother. And she still is. So does my father, he’s a very good father as the matter of fact. It’s just that I have lack interaction with him since he does not speak too much, which I wish he does.

Since I am failing to find a single person to confide in, so here I am, blogging, telling all of you of my dream. My bad dream. You know I am obsessed with my dreams, don’t you? Earlier this week I’ve got dreams-come-true on a few things like my cousin Huda was telling me that my cousin Faisal is making me as his top friend in Friendster (maybe he has no intention of making me the top friend, it’s maybe just the stupid Friendster has got confused and set everything up) and my friend at school, Naa does add me in Facebook and both of them are definitely true. They are happening for real! I didn’t know why I was having such dreams. Not just ordinary dreams but dreams-come-true type of dreams. Maybe I was a bit stressed out. I was having such tough times lately. The little quarrel with the siblings. (I am at success of bringing it on up to today, I was putting this don’t-you-ever-dare-to-argue-with-me face on, all day and I was not speaking to both of them, the little sister and the little brother.) With the things which I considered resolved suddenly become unresolved again. (Have you ever been at one point where you are certain about things, important things of course, in your life like you have decided that you wanted to do this, you wanted to be that, you would end up being with this particular person but suddenly it changed all of sudden due to a few things that happened to you where you feel like “I have had enough of this” that now you are being completely unsure of those things that you are about 99 percent sure of before?) And a lot more things. My life is a total mess. I fucked things up.

I had been told once that I need to have a goal in life. And so I build up my goal. I’ve reviewed my goal with a few friends that I’d trusted for life but they said I must lower down my expectations since I am having high expectations on life. I can’t expect things to go on my way all the time which I am expecting it to be like for the whole time of my life and once the thing falls out its way, I am the one who will be suffering of frustration by not getting it the way I wanted. So maybe at this point I have to rethink and do amendments of the goal that I should have in my life. Or maybe I should not have a goal, I should just go with the flow like I used to live my life once, two years back to be precise, with having nothing to worry about, with having no one to impress, no set-up marks or grades or pointers or whatever-they-term-it to be achieved, and just follow where life might bring me to and pretend like it’s fine, I’m trying not to make it a huge deal, to make myself smile brightly and just to show that I am fine being myself, quite myself I would say, enjoying my life to the max, and not to care what other people might perceive me as whether it’s I am not struggling too much, or I am just a lazy bum, or I am just a stupid girl who gets her hair colored with no brain, or anything. (You just put it in a list, help yourself, please.) I don’t really care, I don't even bother back then. What you think is your business, not mine. I don't give a damn.

Oh that dream gave a big impact on me considering it might be my worst result in my tract record so far if it happens to be true. And I will be living my life with horror for the remaining five days till the result is announced. Haisyy. Ribena, anyone?

Three-In-A-Row

As the result of being a great and successful procrastinator, here I am, posting a three-in-a-row tag games that I had mentioned before. I am done with reading the novel anyway, and I won't say it's the best novel (romance in range) that I have ever read (though it gives quite clear and deep explanation of everything which is good for an investigative type of person like me but sometimes I find it was quite distracting. Maybe that distraction was the same kind of feeling that Jack and my friends get when I am demanding for more details upon things. Sorry, I can't help myself.) but to my surprise kan, the novel has exactly the same way as well as the same place of how my dream proposal should be and the venue it should take place. Sheesh. Tak aci lah cemni. (I suspect that author must be an investigative type of person, just like me, due to her way of putting things that she explains things in detail and she has my imagination. Hehs.) And I really wish that I was that Claire that Jack is about to propose. At the London Eye. Drama. (Pardon me, I am one of a kind. A daydreamer I mean. I do daydream. A lot.) Enough of it, let's just get started.

OK. This one for SekdaComel punya. I don’t think that this one is sexy but I don’t know what else to put because I am running out of picture. Just got my computer reformat so I am left with only this few pictures.






Yang ini pula untuk DilaRaden punya game.

1. Oh I like that picture though it is a blurry image but I think I look adorably tall and gigantic. (I always think that tall and gigantic women are far more outstanding and stunning in comparison with women like my size, five-foot tall. Just my luck to grow such way.)


2. Perempuan gemuk tengah makan memang sexiness yang evergreen. Me, a few years back.


3. Pouty lips kan memang seksi. Kan? Hehs. (Oh. Ni zaman agak jahiliah, by the way.)

Here comes adik Qasiyh punya pulak. This one is the toughest. Perihal Tujuh.

1. 7 ciri wanita/lelaki idaman anda.
Baikhatipemurahpenyayang. Palingcomel. Educated. Civilized. Berperwatakanmenarik. Responsible. Tidakhottempered (hot takpe). and the list goes. On and on. Hehs.

2. 7 wanita/lelaki yang pernah anda minati sepanjang hidup.
DeanCain. RickyMartin. AkoMustafa. Adam the black Rangers from “Power Rangers The Movie”. Si A dari kelas 4 Omega 2002 (ohohoh). Andres. Tentulah Encik Jack (save the best for the last. Weee). dan Batman juga. DauMingXi. RichardGere. [saya tampilkan sepuluh jejaka. oh.] AnuarZain. TheRock. (OK now it's twelve. enoughhhhh! *screaming to myself*)

3. 7 perasaan sekiranya keluar dengan seseorang yang anda minati.
Terbang. Nervous. Excited. RasaTidakMahuPulang. RasaNakFreezeTheTimeBiarSceneItuSajekForeverAndEver. GembiraSudahTentu. Malu-maluSikitPunSamaKot.

4. 7 tempat istimewa yang ingin dilawati bersama pasangan anda.
I want to go around the world. Serious shit. Tapi Ferris Wheel wajib pergi (sebab mahu di propose di situ) and Spain juga.

5. 7 barangan/sesuatu istimewa yang mungkin akan anda hadiahkan pada pasangan anda. Diri saya (darab tujuh). (oh apakah?)

6. 7 tajuk lagu yang akan anda nyanyikan untuk pasangan anda.
That’s When I Love You by Aslyn. Stay by Estrella. Everything by Michael Buble. I Turn To You by Christina Aguilera. I Love You by Celine Dion. All the love songs in the world. Dan juga Potential Break-up Song by Aly and AJ (bila bergaduh. Hahaha.).

7. 7 rakan yang anda tag dan mahu mereka buat PERIHAL 7 ini.WAJIB!!mereka musti diberitahu akan perihal ini. hehehe. (soalan membunuh kan?) Mineralove. SekdaComel. Qish. Nad. Moq A. Aimi. Pakcik Luar Otak.

Sila kawan-kawan. Jawab kesemuanya. (sekarang kan cuti semester. hehs.) Have A Nice Day!

At Least Not Today

Welcome me, hell. So at the age of twenty-two, I’ve been turned into an orphan. Practically, anyway. My father has gone for work and my mother was just too busy taking care of my sick granny at her hometown. And my other siblings were out with their own agenda. Like I fucking care. I swear I’d rather be at my rent house, taking care of myself and my own stuff rather than being locked up here at home and get that “shitness” (is there such word? If there isn't any, let it be just shit then.) back in return to what I did, from laundering to cooking, you name it, to all the sacrifice I have made just to take care of the siblings. What would you feel if your youngest sibling throws words (that I consider myself rude) that you by any way could not tolerate instead of “Thank you” to you? (Well as Malacca citizen, swearing is never a big deal anyway, but when it comes from people you are least expected to hear, it counts. Especially from one who is less superior to you. It does matter, really.) I feel like slapping her tight, right on the face but was somehow managed to calm down and absorbed myself with the book I was reading. And I swear I would never care of what might happen to her anymore. I swear. Well, at least not today.

When I read back my happy post, it was such a lame entry. Too boring. And I didn’t like it. I even thought of deleting it but to recall back on how much effort I was putting on arranging the pictures on top of it, I am afraid that I have to make it stay. To a novice person like me, it is quite something to have done such a wonderful work. Now that I am all alone at home, I thought of working on the tag games that I am left with but my mood has ruined. But still, I will try to work on it tonight. It’s hard to get myself online because we have to take turn on the usage of the internet because we are still using cable down here. My father bought the router like thousand years ago; it’s just that my brother was such a tremendous procrastinator who seems to procrastinate on setting the things up so we are left with this lousy-wired connection and the siblings are giving me hard times when I really wanted to get myself online. (Hey, I have my own agenda too, here in the virtual world, for me to do the things I was doing on daily basis, for like almost every minute of my every day.) The timetable they are having sounds perfectly ridiculous. And I don’t even know where to butt in since it seems to be fully occupied for twenty-four hours of every day. (They have it fixed.) Double shit.

[note: The second time I read through this post, I had moral qualms about posting of my little-quarrel with the sister and just can't help myself from getting the feeling like a complete idiot, for bringing it up here, a sister-from-hell kind of feeling, you know. And the thought of being one is terrible. But I need to let my feelings out too. I am only human. I hope you don't get me wrong. I do love my sister, of course, and my brothers too, but sometimes I just can't avoid the scene from happening, that's it all. We will get through it by morning, I am pretty sure because I am always at a failure of holding it on for long since I hate the suffering that I have to go through for getting mad at people, at almost all occasion.]

A Happy Post

About a month ago, my sister has made me realize that I am leading such not-a-healthy life when we went out for dinner at KFC and she realized that I was eating the not-healthy-at-all parts of the fried chicken and she looked at me with a great shock on the face then asked me “Sejak bila awak makan kulit ayam ni?” I replied her with a blank gaze. And I was recalling hardly of the exact time when I get that bad habit; eating the chicken skin. Then I remember I started to indulge myself with those unhealthy food exactly from last semester. Ahha. Just because I think it is OK to have those once in a blue moon but unfortunately it became a habit then. I have stopped exercising too since most of my classes started at evenings and ended at nights, and I must say that I am not a morning person (have tried to be one before but the attempt came to a failure. Oh maybe I was not determined enough that time. Will give it a try again, some other time, definitely.) so I hardly found time to exercise. That was last semester. And so it applies to this semester too. (though my classes started at 8.30 every morning, I still can hardly find time to exercise. Lazy bum.) The continuance of last semester’s bad habits had made me gained weight. But to gain weight does not give me a goose bump because I do not give a damn, until my sister pointed that out, that I am leading an unhealthy way of being, in a few ways actually. So I think I am going to find time to exercise, and fix everything up and to stay healthy.

Oh, it's not what I am to write actually. This entry is supposed to be a happy entry; that I am going to write on happy things that happened to me. Once the examination ended, my darling Rose has decided to move out of the house so we went out as housemates for the last time, the three of us. I accompanied them to karaoke session. (I am too shy to sing in front of people, and should you note that video games, karaoke sessions, bowling matches are not the ways of how I indulge myself. I will dine in at place that I can’t afford to dine in everyday as one way of pampering myself; I do not mind spending on things I like, yeah, why not, I mean once a while, for you will benefit yourself from your own money, right? But of course I have to get things into plan so I won’t end up bankrupt.) Oh before that, I did go to KLCC in the middle of examination fever to keep my friends accompanied that they wanted to buy a few books for the literature class next semester and I managed to grab a novel for myself, the one that I am currently reading (but it was not as good as “Can You Keep A Secret” as well as “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” I am not keen to read it but anyways, I will try to finish it in the nearest time since I have “The secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾” to be read too.)

The next day, went to salon to keep the darling accompanied as she wanted to do rebonding the hair and I have had a haircut too, a retouch I should say so now I am having a super short hair cut. My friends like it somehow. They say I look much younger and some say chicky. I am genetically incapable of accepting a compliment, and had to fight back a nearly irrepressible urge to deny. But I managed to swallow hard and say "Thanks" with a tight-lipped smile. But to me, the new cut makes me look slightly chubby. Oh I don't care of it anymore. So that night, we went to watch “Impak Maksima the Musical”. I would like to thank abg Dex for making my dream into realization that we were the VIPs that night. We were seated at the second-front row and I could see the stage clearly until I was able to identify tiny spots of the show in which I am pretty sure that the back ventures would not be able to. And the show was wonderful, really. For some people, it may mean nothing. I mean, to be seated at the VIP’s row since it happens like everyday, but to a nothing-special girl like me who always get the cheapest seat, it’s such a big deal. I really appreciate that. Thank you, abg Dex. Luckily we were allowed to get in though we showed up pretty late that night due to traffic jam and heavy rain and I should thank adik Afif too for the drift that I nearly die due to the swift. Hoho. And I got to see Zed Zaidi in-person and took picture with him. (Let me clarify something. I am not a type of girl who is obsessed with celebrities. Even Siti Nurhaliza doesn’t impress me much. But that night, I think I acted like one, I do not know why, though I am not a big fan of Zed Zaidi, that I would prefer Ako Mustafa more, still I was chasing him for picture-taking. Blame the hormones for making me so energetic. And people, of course I didn’t make it that obvious that I really wanted to take the picture but hey, I got a picture with him, anyway! With the help of a staff of Istana Budaya that used to be abg Dex punya kawan, so he brought us to the dining hall and met the artist there. Maybe because I wanted to make one of my friends jealous since she’s a big fan of Zed Zaidi, that she never misses the “Sembilu Kasih” slot as far as I am concerned. You may blame the black side of me for having such idea. She initially came up with the idea of watching the show in which I have never thought of going to, but once I have arranged everything, she didn’t want to join. So I was quite pissed off. This kind of things always happen to me especially when I am dealing with the girlfriends that sometimes I think it is always way easier to deal with my boyfriends but I would always wanting for the girlfriends’ companion. For once I have planned everything, the person who initially came up with the idea would be unable to join and I am left with frustrations, and problems! But babe, it’s OK, you are forgiven. We had a blast. I feel sorry for myself for having such bad intention; to make you jealous, is quite cruel. Too bad that you missed it. Sorry. Jangan kecil hati, OK.)

The next day, I went back to my hometown with my dear cousin. The best friend of her is getting married next week so she thought of throwing her helping hands on things and so, I got to meet the bride and we went to the mall to do some surveys on the dowry she wanted to add. While they were browsing through things, I got myself free samples of skincare products that I think will cost me such handsome amount of money if I am about to buy them. Then we headed to GSC, (the new one which is located at the heart of the city) since the department of that kakak is holding a day-out with the client, so they included a movie-watching session in and I got the chance to join too. We walked to the mall from Mahkota Parade and the feeling I get that time was great. You just can’t imagine how much I miss the night-outs, the sightseeing session at nights would always be my favorite! The breezy wind, the scenery of the town at night, it is perfectly amazing! I got free ticket to watch Madagascar 2 together with free popcorn and soft drink. So I conclude that those three days were my lucky days. I am sorry if you may find this entry would be a bit annoying. I didn’t mean to show off. I just wanted to share of the good things that happened to me. And I think writing on happy entry is not my expertise, honestly. I may sound offensive sometimes, don’t you think so? But please do not take offense over it, OK.

So now, I am left with three tag games which I think I will be posting in the nearest time. Thank you to Sekdacomel, Qasiyh and DilaRaden for tagging me. It’s such an honor to know that people are remembering you. Hehs. Oh I love to exaggerate, don’t I?

It's a Girl Thing

Hi people! How are you doing? I am fine here. Oh at least for today and yesterday. A lot of things happened these days. Someone (Oh I mean a couple) that least expected to talk behind my back, talked behind my back. Oh it’s OUR back, pardon me. People had lost their courtesy these days, I do not know why. I am not saying that I am the most courteous girl among all but I think I do not have the guts to talk of my darlings behind their back.

OK, let’s just move on. I had a real long catching-up session last Thursday, when we had finished our BEL500 paper. The paper was OK. I think it was. Once finished, we went to a car wash as my friends wanted to wash their cars so adat menumpang, ikut sajeklah mana mereka pergi. There were thirteen of us. It was great since we were not catching up with each other quite sometimes due to numerous factors. And you know how much I enjoy going out and hanging around with my girl friends, even to the car wash rather than being locked up at home and ended up boring myself to death. We went for lunch at a restaurant called “Restoran Mulus” and it cost us such a fortune. OK. I am not trying to exaggerate but the price was quite expensive in comparison of what we have as students but the best part is mine was the cheapest among all though I took almost the same dishes. “Mungkin I kelihatan seperti muka budak comot yang amat kasihan kot.” I have told my friends. And they laughed. Betul lah tu. Hehs.

I was then engaged with three of my friends, talking about blogs while others were carried away with news in the newspaper of a 19-year-old girl who married a rich man of 40 years old, given a Mercedes Benz and a million ringgit plus hired as the board members at the same time she has become one of the biggest share holder of the company, automatically. Oh, my friends. But we do not talk bad things about people OK, I remind you, we never did. Yes, we did gossiping when we gather but we do not bad-mouthing, especially of our darlings. As for me, I will stay away from your business as long as you do not mess with me. Haven’t your mama told you don’t play with fire? If you do not like me, or what I am doing, just tell me, but make it in an appropriate way, oh of course, or else I will cry. (Though I am fragile, very fragile as the matter of fact, to cry in front of the crowd is quite a No-No to me, unless I really could not stand the pressure. Cool isn't it?) So does Rose. And Yuyu too. We were frustrated to know that people we trust were talking at our back. We can always talk as housemates, as friends, as civilized people. I think we seriously need to sit and discuss of this matter. But at least I know now that I am a normal person; that some people may like me and some may not, just like what my counseling lecturer once told us; that it's OK to have people with different views of you. We are only human. And I personally think that to be both liked and disliked is normal and we cannot always satisfy all parties at once but of course we have to reflect back ourselves and hence work for the betterment once people started not to favor us. OK, I am a bit off topic now. Let's get back.

Since the four of us shared the same interest; that is to talk about blogs, of what people write, of our preference, of the benefit we are getting and so on and so forth, I suspect that those friends of mine do have their own blogs too. Beware friends, I will go figure. And will get to you girls soon. Along the way, my friends once said “Oh come on Kak Shiro, your life cannot be that pathetic. I have a different view of you and your life now. I thought you were happy. Oh come on, you must have good memories to be shared too. I am requesting a happy entry for once, at least.” I laughed. Then I told her “Darling, if and only if you know how my life is like. It’s not that easy as what you think.” I will make a good actress if I am needed to be one I bet. In fact, we are all actors and actresses in our own world, aren't we? I am quite reserved to those who do not know me well. I mean, I am not going to simply tell people of how my secret life is like. (though I am turning to be quite talkative now.) It will require me quite sometimes to build the trust and to be comfortable to share; though I have a lot of things to share, I am still picking the people to share my things to; the people whom I am comfortable with. And I think that is why I write a blog; to share of my feelings and things which I feel appropriate to share virtually (though sometimes things that I share would not be that beneficial to you people) and to express myself without bothering other people directly or to bore people I trusted to death. I mean if you are interested in my writings, you may proceed and vice versa. If I am about to talk to my friends, it requires them to be attentive to me and the story I am telling, and I believe sometimes even people who are close and thoughtful and sweet to me might be bored to butt in and listen to my business too. So here is my medium of expression. And I think I am more expressive when I am depressed. If I am happy, then I am happy. I do not really know how to express it and I actually like to fantasize the chronology as well as the continuance of happiness silently. (Oh, that’s supposed to be a secret OK.) I suppose that revealed the answer of why most of my posts were sad posts.

And friends, to know that you are reading and following my writings closely made me feel appreciated. Thank you so much. I never thought that you girls are reading it and interested in it, seriously because I write such bullshit. I write of the world that revolves around me and I think it is not that beautiful to amuse you girls. I wish I was special. I am just a nothing-special girl. But anyway, thank you kawan-kawan for the silent support. *sesi beremosi* . So I guess that my next post will be a happy post as requested. It’s 4.28 a.m. and I saw a cockroach under the table. And it managed to escape! I must go now because i have started to have the post traumatic syndrome. Take care.

Examination Fever

To have a sneak peek at the question makes my heart pounds faster. Once we are allowed to go through the questions, I am already dead. I don’t know how to answer question number six which carries six marks. This means that I have ruined my chance to get an A for the paper. And not getting an A will bring a bad consequence in later days. OK, I need tranquilizer and for that I am leaving for a secret vacation [that I will be telling my parents only when I get back here. Oh, I have a few list of destinations which I have not decided yet. I wish I could go abroad. OK, dream on, I know.] Oh people, just miss me when I am gone. Hiks. And please people; do not get paranoia since I will be indulging myself in a right way of being not to go beyond it. So I will catch up with you guys later. I have like a lot of things to write in here but since I am just too lazy to carry my little nyawa ini here and there, I will just leave it at home. Plus, to get the connection there will require me to borrow it from my friend. To borrow things from people is very not like me. Furthermore from people whom I am not-that-close to. I do not mind people to borrow my things, seriously I do not really mind sharing my belongings [except for cinta hati, remember?] but I am quite embarrassed to borrow other people’s belongings. I will be borrowing if there is a real need of doing so. I do not know why. OK, I better get going. Take care of you.

Oh Good Bye Makes Me Crazy

Today is like the saddest day of my life. It’s like it’s the end of the world. Sungguh Hari Kesedihan. *nangesgulingguling* What would you feel if someone you treasure is leaving and you don’t know when you are going to see the person again? Oh, good bye makes me crazy! I always have to bear in mind that “This isn’t good bye. I’m going to see them again, absolutely. It’s just the matter of time, which I don’t know when, but I am still going to meet them again.” It happens to me every time, when every one I treasure in life is going away. I can’t help it. Oh, I'm so lonesome I could die by now. My god, I hate to feel this way.

Tag

I’ve been tagged by Qasiyh. Thanks to you, adik. The rules:

# Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
# Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog; some random, some weird.
# Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
# Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Question:
# Share 7 facts about yourself; some random, some weird.

So here are seven random facts about me.


1. I hate cockroaches. I have the ability to sense the existence of cockroaches. Yucks, they stink! Believe me, I am capable. I will have post-traumatic syndrome once I see them too. I will be extraordinary alert and will assume everything is possible to be cockroaches. For example, once I see a cockroach and it manages to run away, I will be paranoid, I will assume anything that passes or touches me as cockroach even if it’s my own shirt or blanket that I touch, and it will stay that way, for the whole night. Saya juga pernah beberapa kali tercedera akibat melarikan diri dari lipas. Mau tengok gambar kecederaan saya? So, if ever I tell you that I hate you more than I hate cockroaches, then I really hate you. If I say I hate you, I may not hate you. Saya memang emo kadang-kadang. OK, selalu sebenarnya. Oh Oh Oh.

2. I have dreams come true. Dreams here refer to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep. And yes, my dreams come true. One of it was when I once escaped my morning macro counseling class because I wanted to have an extra time for my beautiful sleep. In that dream, there appears my lecturer and she smiles to me and she says “Syaira, kenapa tak datang kelas? Tidur ye?” And you know what, that afternoon I went for the afternoon session and there my lecturer happens to say exactly the same line to me, with the same facial expression and the same attire. Takut tak? I used to get to know my examination results a day earlier, of course through my dreams too. Seriously, I am not telling lie. Kerana itulah saya amat obsess dengan mimpi. Saya memang paranoid.

3. You just cannot imagine how I treasure things. I have a pair of scissors; red in color, (note: I can tolerate with any color except blue because I always feel I look dull in blue. Sorry, blue.) the one that my mother bought me when I was in standard four and should I add it is still functioning well up to this moment. My mechanical pencil that I am keeping with me is six years old now. So does my pencil case. And a lot more things. I keep my friends well too, I bet. I treasure cinta hati saya sepenuh hati juga (let's just imagine if I consider someone as cinta hati, whom I would give all the love in the world to, tiba-tiba cinta hati itu turn out not to love me as I do, and as he should. Tentu saya akan mati. Oh, naivenya saya! Oleh itu, saya rasa mungkin saya tidak patut bercinta. Makanya, mungkin saya tidak akan berkahwin juga. Tentu mak saya akan menjadi paranoid kalau dia terbaca entri ini. Saya harap abah dan emak tidak akan pernah terjumpa blog ini, amin.) I have an extraordinary sentimental value within me. I don’t mind sharing my belongings with people but it must be with my permission and with great care of it. However this is not applicable untuk cinta hati saya OK. It will never be OK to share someone you love. No No No No No.

4. I have a weird ambition, that is to witness miracles and it happened. (Biasalah, pengaruh filem memang hebat ke atas diri saya.) Then I moved beyond, I keep this ambition with me, which is to have miracles in life but I never get the chance to. Not even once. It’s like the more you believe it will happen, the more it goes away from you. Hidup saya sangat kasihan kan?

5. Apa yang saya cakap kadang-kadang tidak parallel dengan apa yang saya rasa. Contohnya bila saya kata “Oh, it’s OK. It’s not a big deal, anyway.” Mungkin sebenarnya it’s quite a big deal to me. You should be able to read between the lines. I always pick my lines because I care of what you might feel. Tapi perasaan saya juga yang sering terabai. Saya sangat kasihan kan?

6. Saya selalu bermonolog. Bercakap seorang diri to be precise. Senyap-senyap, oh sudah tentulah. Berangan untuk bercakap tentang perkara yang tidak mampu saya cakapkan kepada seseorang pun ye jugak. Sekali terkantoi dengan adik pula. Malunya! Tapi saya pura-pura tak kisah. Pandai saya berlakon kan? Saya juga ada banyak angan-angan in which 99 percent of it will never come true. I just knew it. Saya sudah penat menjadi seorang yang optimis. Maybe the time has come for me to be realistic. I am learning to let go. To leave all the angan-angan behind me. I think I should. (Betul tak, Amalina?)

7. I hate broken promises. Once you have said something to me, I consider it as a promise. I hate to plan things because I will stick closely to the plan jadi apabila plan itu tidak menjadi, saya akan tidak dapat menerima kenyataan dan akan beremosi sepanjang hari. Saya juga bercadang untuk kurangkan menonton kisah cinta because they are just too good to be true, and once I watch those kind of movies, I will start to fantasize that-too-good-to-be-true things will come true lepastu benda-benda seperti itu memang sedikit pun tidak menjadi kenyataan, at least not to me, jadi saya akan menjadi sangat emo sampaikan makan pun tiada selera dan boleh jadi menangis juga kadang-kadang. Tidak cerdik kan?

In conclusion, saya memang seorang yang paranoid, saya obsess, saya extreme, saya penuh perasaan. Saya juga tidak cerdik kadang-kadang. So stop giving me harapan palsu kerana saya memang akan percaya lepastu saya yang akan penat dan emo sendiri. OK, saya tahu saya memang naïve. Kan saya dah kata awal-awal lagi tadi. Saya juga memang emo. Oh oh oh. Jadi sebelum saya menjadi lebih emo, saya nak tag:

Zafwan, Carode, Naza, Rain, Zaza, Aimi and Ed. (kalau maklang and paklong ada masa pun boleh jawab juga.)

Cerita Warna-warni

I’ve had a long chat with my girlfriends just now. We talked about life, about women, about men as well, of studies, of the things we are engaging ourselves with and a lot more. One of the stories that captured my attention was on a pair of pens. A blue inked pen and a red inked one. Those were given to my friend when she was in form five. She said that she could not catch the meaning behind but only now when she is twenty one years old, she could grasp the hidden meaning. Have you ever heard of “Pen merah, Pen biru, You marah, I love You”? There’s another version of it that I get to know today. It’s “Pen Merah, Pen Biru, Jangan marah, I love You”. That’s the rationale of the boy to give my friend both red inked and blue inked pens; to express his feeling towards my friend. She showed to me the pens. I was laughing and rolling on the floor. Comel sungguh! Kesian juga kat budak lelaki tu. Mesti masa tu dia mengharapkan jawapan, tapi my friend ni tak faham pula. Amalina oh Amalina (sorry that now your secret is not a secret anymore.) Another story that I think would touch any heart was about a guy who was about to propose his girlfriend. He brought the girlfriend a Secret Recipe cake with “WOULD YOU BE MINE, PLEASE?” on it. So sweet. If ever a person bring it to me, tentulah saya akan terbang melayang selama seminggu. Oh Oh Oh. Cerita kawan saya di propose untuk menjadi tunangan oleh teman sepusat memandu pun ada juga. Macam-macam lah kawan-kawan ni. My friend asked my opinion of the proposal; should she accept it or not. She did not recognize the guy at all but that guy was putting a lot of effort to get to my friend’s details, he's been searching her for three years until yesterday that he proposed my friend.

Well, to me, if you feel that he’s the one, why not? But before you decide, you should take a lot of things into consideration. Of the personality, because he’s the one you are going to live with for the rest of your life, so you ought to take that into account. That’s the most important thing to me because as I have said before, good personality works with me. If he has the supermodel look, then it’s bonus for you to have him. Career is an important aspect too. You cannot live with merely love. Tidak perlulah dia seorang jutawan, tapi tidak boleh juga kalau tiada kerjaya yang menjamin masa depan. Tak gitu? To me, we should find someone who is responsible, someone who would appreciate us, the one that would be able to understand the way we are and tolerate with it, that kind of thing, you know and I always believe that it’s easier to be loved rather than to love. And most of us agree with it, as the matter of fact.

Teringat pula cerita kawan saya yang di propose di tengah-tengah KLCC dulu. Wah, macam dalam drama pula saya rasa. Hehs. Saya ceritakan kepada mak saya, terus dia mencebik. Mak saya bukanlah seorang yang romantic macam tu. Tapi saya cuba bayangkan juga kalau tiba-tiba abah saya bawa mak saya ke KLCC dan bagi dia bunga di khalayak ramai, tentulah mak saya pun cair kan? Hahaha. Haisyy. Macam-macamlah dunia ni. Belum cerita lagi yang buat surprise birthday party. Untunglah bagi orang yang dah jumpa cinta sejati mereka. Tahniah buat Rain yang sedang berbahagia sekarang ni. (sempat saya pinjam bunga Rain untuk bergambar bersama. TQ Rain. LOL.) Haisyy, ulang-ulang cerita pasal cinta sajek. Marilah cerita tentang perkara lain pula.

This Sunday, I will be having an assessment on Apresiasi Sastera. We have decided that we are going to sing. For that I am looking forward. Saya suka menyanyi beramai-ramai. Biarlah tak merdu pun. We have not decided on what song and what poem will we be singing but I am looking forward for it. It’s like escapism to me though I don’t like the poems’ selection that we ought to choose and present it the way we like it to be. To work on things that we like after a long day is real fun. I love making friends too and I cannot live without my friends. In that class I get to know different people. Though the content is quite boring, but the exposure we get (a great opportunity to be exposed to the main campus buildings and the people too) worth the effort we are putting to get ourselves there. The pleasure. my-oh-my.

The above paragraph is a complete lie. (Except for the fact that I love making friends and the content is actually super duper boring.) Seriously. I hate to go to class on weekends OK. Then we are to have a test on the puisi-puisi yang I-don't-even-have-a-glance-at and the puisi-puisi that I-don't-even-have-an-idea-of-what-they-are-all-about pulak. Haisyy. I regret myself that I chose a completely wrong course that now I have to face all the consequences. Silly me. You know what, I almost caught into a fight with a guy yesterday, at the kopitiam, somewhere around here. (I have tried my best not to create a scene but he went beyond my limit.) He’s my team mate and he’s being bossy. He acted as if he did the entire job neglecting the fact that he did perfectly nothing. Yes. Nothing at all. Blahla mamat. Bajet best lah kamu! Ingat kamu pernah lawan komander dulu, saya takutlah dengan kamu? Ingat kamu lelaki tua kamu boleh buat sesuka hati lah? Ingat saya perempuan saya tak beranilah nak lawan kamu? Bolehnya dia kata “Hey, kan I dah bagi You questions ni tiga hari lepas? Kenapa tak revise?” dengan muka yang gila annoying OK. Hello, dua hari je OK. And I replied “ Excuse me, I have gone through all the questions and I think there’s nothing wrong with the questions. And why don’t you revise it yourself? Why must I revise?” dengan muka yang tidak kurang annoying sambil mata saya memandang tepat ke dalam matanya. Berani tak? Sebenarnya saya adalah rasa cuak, sikit jek tapinya OK, orang panas baran begitu bukannya boleh dijangka. Buatnya dia bagi penampar sekali, tak ke naya? Tapi kalo kena penampar, confirm saya saman dia 50juta. Serius tak tipu. (and that was the last time I look straightly into his eyes. Selepas-selepas itu saya tidak sedikit pun memandang ke arahnya lagi. Menyampah tahu?) Padanlah tu, api lawan api. Mendidih pula darah saya. Maybe because it’s the time of the month juga kot (if only you know what I mean.) What makes me real angry is that he throws the words to me in front of the people we interview, which I think, is very rude. Plus he’s not the one who created the questions. My other friend in our whole big group did that. Lepastu nak kecoh pulak. Ewah. I did the interview. Yuyu worked on finding the interviewee and she did the note-taking too. We both arranged everything. I have absolutely no problem with another guy in my team, he's cool. Sempoi. They did the photo-taking and recording. This cool guy was handling the main camera. What that mamat kecoh did was recording the interview session using his phone. Even if he’s not there, we still can handle the session. Lepas tu nak kecoh ala-ala project manager. Rasa macam nak lesing jek sekali. OK, saya memang emo. So what? We are on a project of Career Counseling. (I don’t want to write on this project. We have decided not to talk of it anymore; seriously it’s not our fault that we have to delay it up to this time where we nearly reach the end of the semester and to replace the project with two interviews on blue color job as well as white color job. We initially were assigned to organize an event with career talk in it. We did the proposals, we arranged the time, we did everything, and in fact we have three proposals which mean we have enough back up plans if the first project is rejected but because of the lecturer… OK, I seriously don’t want to write any of it. I don’t want to write sins here.)

And now I heard that I have to go to class on Saturday too. A replacement class. Initially it was cancelled due to I-don’t-know-why. We should have the class on Wednesday morning but it was cancelled. Then she decided to make it on Friday evening, then again it was cancelled. The same thing went to the Career Counseling class. Oh apakah? Next week should be the last week of class before we have our study leave and then comes the final exams. But I don’t think that we could make it in a week of time since we have a lot more things to cover. I adore my lecturers like Dr. Joanne, Assoc. Prof. Hajah Zaiton, Dr. Helen and my third language lecturer (let's give a big applause to them and together we pray that they will be promoted.) since they stick to the schedule and now we can breathe as we have finished all the topics together with the assignments and tests. Sincerely I think I will not be going to some of the replacement classes ( though I know it’s unfair for my friends were present when I present my teaching but I totally hate to go to class other than the time I should, remember? Sorry kawan-kawan.) I do not favor lecturer who does not stick to the schedule and scheme of work. But what can we students do to point it out? The only way we can express the dissatisfaction is through the evaluation form that we have to fill in; it’s of the condition of the classroom and also of the performance of the respective lecturer. I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to fight for it as I was taught to respect the teachers. But the teachers too should be ethical to be respected, I think. Baiklah, saya memang banyak komplen.

Lonesome

Today I have just realized that I am a whole lonesome. I don't have any shoulder to cry on, I cry all by myself. I don't have any companion when I am real in need of them, I go all by my own. The day-outs, the coffee-break sessions are filled by me, all alone. I don't have someone to fetch me like all my friend do, I travel all along by myself. If I am in danger, nobody saves me, I have to save myself. I don't even have a friend to talk to, I keep all my burden with me. The world revolves around me would only be all me by myself. Rasa seperti mahu mati sekarang juga. Pathetic me. OK, I feel like crying now. Damn.

My Teaching

For the first three days of hari raya, I neglected all my assignments and pretended that I have not gotten any to care of. I don’t even bother to have a look at them. I just wanted to enjoy my raya days to the fullest. As the result of being such a great procrastinator, I did not sleep in order to finish up my lesson plan and I have presented it in class just now. I was the first presenter ever because my friend whom suppose to present on listening was absent (we are supposed to start with teaching listening first followed by teaching speaking) so I became the lucky number one. My God! I was nervous like hell but it’s so weird that I was not shaking like always (but I guess the whole class could tell that I was nervous because my face turned pale the moment I spoke up. Blush, I couldn’t help myself. I think I should start wearing lipstick whenever I need to do the teaching. Hehs.) Luckily I have not mispronounced my words (this is my biggest fear. I always worry if the things I have planned to say do not come out like what it should be, because it happened once during my foundation year then I will be embarrassed and my face will turn red and the whole world will know that something went wrong with me. It's out of my control, I swear. If I can ever take control of that, it will be great. Anybody knows how to overcome it? Would you please share with me? Thank you) and it turned out to be just an average I must say. But to be the first gave me advantage (of course the disadvantage too that I do not wish to mention it, I am becoming a whole optimistic here) that the whole class was paying their full attention so I did not encounter with so much problems in terms of capturing the attention but I am quite embarrassed to get a full attention from the whole class, I am a 50 percent introvert kind of person but I am pushing myself to be an extrovert now. So to cope with such attention may require me some time to enable me to make an adjustment to that. And to be called a “teacher” is quite a pressure to me. That title comes together with a big responsibility (however not with a big amount of salary. Why? I wonder) that is not easy to carry where everybody is putting the hope on you. As a teacher too, you ought to behave all the time since you are the role model of your students. Enough saying, I don’t want to pressure myself now. Let’s pretend that I am OK with that fact.

Once I finished with my teaching, I got a note from a member of my class but I have no idea where on earth the note came from. I have uploaded the note on top of this post (because I don't know how to move it to the bottom or to the middle part of the post. Silly me. Blush.) if and only if you wish to have a look at it. I take it as a compliment. So sweet. (though I know I did it not-that-perfect but it was not-that-bad though and I guess that person just wanted to cheer me up.) To the writer of the note, I would like to say thank you. I really appreciate your effort to send me that tiny little thing. Though it's just a piece of paper, you have really made my day. (and you should know how I treasure things. I have this super-extra sentimental values within me that lately I have become super sensitive out of I-don't-know-why. I feel like I am no longer flexible, but I will try to be one back, very soon. I don't want to feel like a loser anymore. Now I went off the topic. I should not mention it here. Today is supposed to be my day. Haisyy. ) So tonight I can sleep and rest peacefully. I feel good and relief that I have completed like three-quarter of my assignments. I am now left with my third language assessments, my mock meeting, and my creative project together with my PTE project. Thank God.

My Days

Hi people,

It seems like quite a long time I have not written anything in here. To Qasiyh, thank you for tagging me. I will post it once I have done with my individual oral test within this week. So now I would like to write on my Hari Raya celebration as well as my Micro Teaching for Listening and Speaking, but I will make it into two different posts. Before I proceed, I hope it’s not too late to wish all of you my dear readers a Happy Hari Raya. I would like to apologize for all my wrong deeds. You are all invited to come to my house but please do call me first just to ensure that I’m home.

OK, my raya was not-that-bad. Though I don’t have any new outfit, it went well I should say. I mixed and matched to make it presentable and it turned out to be just-fine. It does not really matter to me now. What is more important about raya to me is that we can gather the families and sit down together and apologize to one another and share the whole story to catch up with each other. The gossip session will always be my favorite. This time it was made into a balanced session where we have gossips from all over the world, starting from the teasing among the family members (we made it into a funny way in which I think no one was offended by all the jokes, if any did, that person was just being sensitive because as far as I am concerned, the families were not saying anything bad about one another, it’s just that the havoc that they made and you should know how Malaccans are to be like and I bet everyone in the family is able to tolerate the language we are using. hehs) the gossips of the artists within Malaysia and worldwide (in which they have absolutely nothing to do with us, we were just being nosy, hehs) up to the stories of the prophets as the closing and a little bit of religious stuff. So I conclude that my big family is an all-rounded that we can always discuss on matters arising regardless of anything. I seriously mean anything. And I am glad that I was born in such a family that we always treasure this precious relationship that we are having.

So now I will write on the things that I did during Hari Raya accordingly.

A day before Raya:
We cooked lemang, ketupat, rendang, and this year my father added up another menu in the list that is nasi beriani. I took part in cleaning the vegetables (buangkan ekor taugeh, dua plastik besar OK, just to develop a sense of belonging to the kitchen) and blending the chillies, the onions and the spices (under my mother's supervision of course. It's such a shame for a 22-year-old-lady not to master the housechores, I have to admit that, but I am quite a fast learner you know, gegege) for buka puasa that night. After berbuka, I followed my mother and aunties for coffee and it was on Mak Uda, like always. Once we have finished with the coffee-break, the whole family did the recitation of takbir raya and the tahlil for our beloved late grandfather. Then the ladies continued with the cooking of nasi beriani (I was told that my mother and the aunties slept at 5 in the morning. Of course that nasi beriani was marvelous. Thank you mak and auntie semua and abah and uncles to make it into realization.)

1st day Raya:
We went to the mosque to perform the Raya prayer and together to the cemetery. Once we reached home, we dined together and the salam-salam session took place. Then we gathered for a family portrait (Above pictures are the family portraits I meant.) We then headed to the neighbors’ place and the relatives'. That night we had our gossip session. It was fun, really.

2nd day Raya:
We went for a family gathering as always where our annual sponsor ; Mak Uda and Pak Uda who initially came out with this idea a few years back that we will be having an annual gathering and will be dining in somewhere together on the second or third day of hari raya. This year we had it at the Holiday Inn, Malacca. It was happening. The beautiful scenery, the delicious food, the fantastic family completed my day. We took pictures together there too but I have not gotten the copy yet. I will be posting it once I get it, insyaAllah. That night we went to Mak Lang’s and Pak Lang’s house for again a gathering as well as the recitation of Yasin and tahlil for our beloved late grandfather. The makan-makan was marvelous. My cousin and I were enjoying Mak Lang’s cooking to the fullest. Thank you Mak Lang and Pak Lang and Abang Alum juga.

3rd day Raya:
I went off to my grandparents’ house on my mother’s side. There, it was a plain raya that my grandmother is sick that we could not make so much noise. Furthermore, my relatives were not there, all of them, so I did not get the chance to meet any of them as for they were away for their other commitment. I had only met my two cousins together with my grandparents. It’s so sad to see my grandmother who used to be cheerful and fun-to-be-with (seriously because she used to be talkative and I’d really love to listen to all her stories) now just laid on the bad. She had gone senile too that she turned to be childish. I went back to my hometown on 5th day Raya morning and went back to my place that night and was stuck in traffic jam hence I reached home almost midnight. No choice, it's hari raya.

Oh Monday Is Being Cruel To Me

I am not in the mood for any conversation since every body seems not to understand what I am going through. Siap kata "takpe takpe, chill. Shiro kan tabah." Gila! My day started up at 2pm. (We did escape the morning class; the PTE class since we were too lazy to listen to the whole same thing over and over again and I heard that Dr. C will be going to deduct marks for the absentee. Oh Great. But Dr. C is really a nice lecturer, I mean he is not a fussy and lousy one, he smiles all the time, neglecting the fact that he favors me in the sense that I is a must for him to ask question for every Monday morning session, regardless how much attention I was paying to his lecture or not at all, I will never been excluded as the target, and no matter where I place my self, either the front row, the middle or as the back ventures. Oh kenapakah? he is really a sweetheart, it’s just that the subject he is teaching is just too boring and he might be forgotten that he had told us the story of Institut Aminuddin Baki, the Ustaz Department, the Universiti Malaya thing all the way that I am able to repeat back to you of the whole story. Try me.) I have had my presentation for my Career Counseling on Career Guidance Program in Higher Learning Institution and it went well. Then I attended my Micro Teaching for Listening and Speaking; MTLS class and it started well.

We had a short break at 5pm to perform the prayer and when I got back to class, they were about to start to take turn for the micro teaching session and I have got to be the second presenter (I was assigned to teach speaking) and I have absolutely no problem with that, at all because I believe that sooner or later I ought to present it, so the turn doesn’t matter. But since we have a few students that happened to absent today, my lecturer was being so nice and considerate, that she wanted to make them to present in the later session. Here the problem aroused when my class representative asked for the literature students to volunteer themselves to do it in earlier part since they will dismiss from class earlier than us, the counseling students, as for they will be having a literature class at 6pm but they refused to volunteer. Then the name-calling began. They asked a student of literature, Miss A to be the first (which to me it does not make any difference since she is the third person to present, they should call for the later turn say number twelve onwards.) but she refused too. So the boyfriend of Miss A pointed out my name to be the first. “Apa kata kita bagi Shiro first, sebab dia second, it does not make any difference.” Oh thank you Encik F. Kamu sungguh cool. Untuk selamatkan girlfriend kamu, kamu menjadikan saya mangsa. Memang style dan cool lah kamu! Berbanyak terima kasih. And so, the whole class asked me to go first and suddenly I became the center of attention that everybody is putting their hope on me. I seriously have no objection to that, because it absolutely fine with me, it’s just that I feel like that Encik F is violating me. He should not point out my name just to save his girl friend. That’s really cruel of him. Keji!

I don’t have a boyfriend to step up for me like that and should I say that I do not need my boyfriend to save me, I can handle it myself. I saved myself by being the first to do the micro teaching. It’s not a big deal at all. And even if I have a boyfriend to save me just like that, I won’t allow him to do so because it’s not proper to be that selfish. If he wanted to save the girlfriend, it will be nicer if he volunteers himself to take the responsibility, not by pointing at me. We don’t point at people to save ourselves. I am not that perfect though but yes, that’s my value I treasure all this while. (Harap-harap encik itu faham that I was being sarcastic by saying Thank you out loud to the whole class and giving him the sweetest cynical smile of me. Saya tidak anti kamu sebab saya pernah rasa kamu cute dulu tapi saya rasa sedikit annoyed dengan sikap kamu wahai encik. Sila jangan buat ini kepada orang lain sekiranya tidak mahu diumpat seluruh kampus kerana kamu adalah seorang MPP. OK?)

Enough said, we continued with the lesson. The class ended at about 7pm and you know what, we were left with another five topics for teaching speaking. Due to the schedule that all of us agreed before, we are going to start with teaching listening first since we have fully covered throughout the topics but my beloved lecturer; the one with the American accent I used to adore (jika kamu curious untuk tahu tentang dia, klik di sini) changed it as for her, she wanted it to be in sequence of teaching listening and followed by teaching speaking and the circle goes on like that. So my point here is how I am going to prepare for my lesson plan if we have not covered the whole chapter? Does this suppose to mean that I have to read those on my own? (And I am very positive that the answer is yes, and even if I say this out to her, I am quite certain that she will insist me to read on my own, what do I expect from her since I am an adult learner right?) But what is the purpose of finishing it an hour before I present my micro teaching for I have to prepare all the things earlier, what does she expect me to do when she does not finish up with her teaching, it’s like she is leaving me with another half of the syllabus on my own, then I will prepare it on my own, and the very minute before I present is exactly when she is going to finish up the syllabus. Apakah? Can you see that?

One more issue that I would like to point is of the time allocation. It should be thirty minutes initially but she’s cutting it into fifteen minutes, and not to go beyond that. It’s a firm reminder. In speaking, we need interactions and it has a few procedures that you should not neglect as well as the stages that should be included in the activity I am about to carry out, the presentation stage, the practice stage as well as the production stage. So to make it into fifteen minutes from a thirty minutes session is quite ambitious I would say, but still possible to achieve (and even if it is impossible, I have to make it into realization since it is exactly the time that was allocated to me. What choice do I have anyway?) So I conclude that my life is miserable. I don’t bother to mention of my PTE assignment that I have to complete during this hari raya. And I can also conclude that my hari raya will be filled with not only joy (without the baju raya, oh great!) but also with darling assignments. Cruel Monday. Cruel People. Cruel World. Thank you.

Subject does not matter

Melihat akan blog yang telah di 'removed' kan itu (walaupun bukan untuk pertama kalinya) membuatkan saya menggelengkan kepala dan memejamkan mata sambil menarik nafas dalam-dalam. Sungguh tak cool la perasaan ini. Haisyy.

Of This and That

Of this and that would be a mixture of stories that happened to me this week. My life turned upside down. I don’t know why. At times I can be overjoyed with happiness and it can turn the other way round in a blink of eyes. I don’t know why. I went out yesterday and along the way I saw a boy who I think very much like my younger brother, Nami and that made me miss him. I have not gotten the chance to kiss both my brothers the last time I departed home because Wan was sleeping in his room, I don’t want to disturb his beautiful sleep plus he was injured due to an accident, a minor one I would say but the injury would cause such pain I bet, while Nami was away for his tuition class for he will be sitting for his PMR this year. I miss them both. I have had a few YM sessions with my youngest sister so I guess we catch up with each other quite well.

Lately, I am easily disturbed. What I mean here is my emotion. You say it wrong, you get me cry all night long. (Quietly, of course.) I don’t know why. It’s very easy to make me cry. Maybe I should not get envy with people. Maybe I should not get involve in things I am in now. Maybe I should not miss that someone. Maybe I should not cry. Or maybe I should not think too much.

It’s very hard for me to get my girlfriends companion lately as they are just too busy with their boyfriends and some of them are being anti-social, that they do not want to have fun anymore. No more girls-day-out. As for my course mates, I am aware that we are having like a bundle of assignments to complete within this week but come on girls, chill! I am not a kind of person who can stay at home 24/7, and study. That’s very not me. As for my school mates, most of them are either working or doing their internship now, so the chance for us to go out and have a blast during weekdays is very low. I do not have any problem to get my boy friends’ company, (I always think that being a guy is much much easier and simpler that guys can go out any time they want with no worries at all) but I am seriously not in the mood to have a day out with them at the moment, all I want is my girl friends.

Now I do not feel like writing. I thought of going out tomorrow. If I am not able to get my girl friends to accompany me, I will still be going, alone. That’s it, what options do I have anyway? You tell me. As for now, I am going to finish up my baby assignment (credit to Ddiey, I like the way she acknowledges her assignments with the word “baby”) on Macro-counseling, a letter to any theorist that I favor. I have not decided yet on which theory I would opt for but I will let you know once I have decided. I thought of sharing my poems for Apresiasi Sastera that I composed with the help of my darling housemates Rose and Kerie. Thank you for the helpful hands. I will post it some day, insyaAllah. It is hope that I will be able to finish up writing the letter by tonight. Bye.

Bitterness

Hi. It’s been a while since my last post. I am just too busy with this frustrating and hectic life here. There’re a lot of bad things that happened to me lately. I was quite stressed out. But everything will be fine, I am a big big girl now and I am quite flexible, don’t I? Let’s recap what’s happening for the last two weeks. For last two weeks on Tuesday I was having my PTE test. It used to be a test with MCQ plus essay questions [I am basing my point on the past years’ test papers] but my lecturer gave us a-whole-MCQ test so, hooray! But do you know that MCQ tends to overemphasize on particular facts? So it ended up to be not-that-easy test. It’s just that you can guess and circle down the answers without leaving it blank. It’s either just-your-luck or too-bad. That’s all.

Then, the next Wednesday, I was having my MTLS test. This is like the worst part of the week. The moment she stepped in the class, it’s already 830 am which it is exactly the time the test should be started. [oh yes, my lecturer is a SHE, the one that I should say I adore by the first class because of the American accent she’s having where initially I would really like to sound like American but once I have studied about the British accent in my Phonetic and Phonology class and how prestigious it can be, I was like living in the middle of it, I don’t know which should I adopt. I used to have a lecturer last semester who is having like a beautiful British accent; she speaks almost like the broadcasters of BBC, and she’s really enthusiastic that she dedicates her life to the language and she sticks on her schedule closely, which means she is punctual, she starts and ends class on time, I once had been penalized not to sign the attendance sheet because I was five minutes late but it’s OK to me since she made it in a funny way, I was not humiliated. Plus there were like a squad of us late that Friday morning. Hehs. Oh yeah, I was telling about this lecturer and her American accent that I have started to hate because she is such a lousy one. Sorry that I have ever wrote it here. I am just expressing what I felt for you, Dr. Z.] And then she said “In the holy month of Ramadhan, I am giving you an open-book test. This happens during Ramadhan, only Ramadhan. It means that you can refer to your book but not to plagiarize.” “Madam, I didn’t bring along my book.” said one of my friends. Do you know the reply? “Too bad if you don’t have your book with you. You cannot borrow your friends’ book.” katanya bersama nada dan muka yang sangat annoying.

Why didn’t she mention it earlier? Yuyu, Rose and I were about to leave our books at home because it’s a test, there’s no use to bring your book along with you since you cannot do anything with the book practically even if you are having it with you, because it’s a TEST! And I would rather have my beautiful sleep than trying my best to memorize the whole text book, yes the whole book. Did I ever mention it here that reading and memorizing text books are like big pressure to me? I’d rather be given a book full of calculation than stuck with reading subjects. Hell I hate it! Alright, there went the test. After about 25 minutes, she said “Alright, you have another fifteen minutes.” And I was like Oh, she might be misspoken it, it’s the holy month of Ramadhan right? She kept on interrupting us with her voice saying this and that which I think she should not be saying because it’s really annoying; we really need a peaceful place to live in. And there’s a bang in my head when she said “You have exactly five minutes. You should wrap up your point now.” At that moment I have just started working on my second essay and her voice kept buzzing my head when she kept on reminding us every single minute that the test is going to end soon. “You have another one minute left. Finish your last sentence. OK, time’s up!”

I was running out of time, not because of me or my poor time management, but it’s because of her! She let us start ten minutes late and ended it ten minutes earlier! Obviously it was HER fault, not mine. I felt like crying the moment I passed up my paper, seriously. At least she should be telling us earlier that she's going to cut down the time so that we can divide and manage our time accordingly. I really don’t mind if I do not know how to answer the questions because it is my fault that I don’t read the book and end up fail to answer the questions but it really disturbs me when I know the answer, I have all the knowledge I need to answer the questions, but I was not given the time I deserve to answer it. It’s really not fair! The test should be completed within an hour but she’s giving us like forty minutes to complete it. She’s violating our rights. Once the papers were collected, she asked us how’s the test and she said “Oh haven’t I told you that open-book test can be tougher? Though you have all the materials with you, you still will not be getting full marks because you tend to copy everything from the book, hence you will go overtime.” Excuse me! Overtime?! I was making the sourest face the time she spoke this. I was really pissed off!

On the same day, I’ve had my assessment of Meeting class, it was a problem solving where a group of us were given a situation and we have to discuss and provide the solutions to it. It went well except for the fact that my lecturer was not happy with my voice projection. She said that I have spoken too softly and I told her that it is my nature to speak that way, I’ve tried my best [because that was the loudest of me, I hate to speak out loud, it requires me more energy, and I hate people to speak out loud, and shout at me or something] and she said that if I am about to teach at school, only the front line will be able to hear me, and I’ll be losing the rest of class. I told her I’ll try harder [just to make her happy] without letting her know that I’m not going to teach anyway. I was not disappointed with the comment, it's not a big deal, at all. I’m used to it. Since I was in secondary school, it aroused, and this happened to be quite frequent. Luckily she’s satisfied with my language as well as the points I have made.

Then went the weekends. It was OK, just an OK. For this week, I was having my Arabic test on Thursday. Not that bad. And we were told to be having a Career Counseling test on Friday but it was cancelled last minute, oh like always. [if you know what I mean] I was quite angry that I have to delay my journey home just because of the test but then it was cancelled. Alright, it was delayed anyway. Then, I should attend my Apresiasi Sastera on Wednesday [it's not the class I ever dreamt to be in but I have to because the other co curricular subjects were fully occupied, so the nine of us, OK, it's actually most of education faculty students were left with no choice, that we have to join either Debat Bahasa Melayu or Apresiasi Sastera, so the nine of us, six girls and the other three boys joined this Apresiasi Sastera. I thought of joining Families in Islam at the first place.] but since everybody’s not going, the girls I mean, because we will be having our third language test the next day, so I ended up absent too. And we were asked to attend to the class on Saturday too. This made me angry. Real angry. Let me tell you something. It’s my co curricular subject which means it’s not that important plus it’s only a credit hour class but they are making it into two hours each session and yet the lecturer is making it into four hours just because he is so enthusiastic in appreciating the Sastera, the Sastera that does not make any sense to me, I was just wasting my time and he wanted us to appreciate and feel it the same way he did and now he’s making it like it is the agenda of our lives. Excuse me, I have a point to make here. Let me just remind you that I have another seven subjects that equal to nineteen hours to catch up and those need more attention than this ridiculous subject. Nonsense!

And now here comes the hardest part of my life, so far. It’s been three weeks already for this someone I treasure to be missing without a trace. I don’t know why. Why did my life turn miserable all of sudden? In this holy month of Ramadhan? To that someone, if you ever crossed this page, I would like to say I am sorry if I did anything wrong. Really hope to hear from you soon.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Last Monday I realized that there’s a profile on Friendster was created using my details. I was shocked to see that. I have heard of it happened before but I never thought it would ever happen to me. I thought of telling my mother of it but I have decided not to because I don’t want her to get paranoid. I am not a superstar to have such a stalker. If you ever know me, you can easily tell that it’s not me. The way she or he is putting the info in it, the words are very not me. That SyAiRa must be addicted to me, she adores me out of I-don’t-know-why, that she wanted to be me so badly, or maybe she just hated me out of I-don’t-know-why too. It’s not a big deal to me [because sooner or later I will get to know the person, as a Muslim, though not a very good one, I believe in Hari Pembalasan] but of course I do care. That person is using my name, my face, my every thing to get to know people. He or she must be sick. Poor people. The world must be mean to her or him. I pray that she or he will be getting what she or he is searching for in life. If that SyAiRa^LaLaLa^ happens to add you, please ignore, that’s not me. I will be using my old account insyaAllah for the rest of my life.

And one more sad news. I don’t have my baju raya yet. It’s pretty sad you know, seeing your other siblings getting their budget on it and you are left with nothing. Now I am staring at the computer and the ceiling blankly. So here I am, having nothing in life. No money, no perfect match, no best friend, definitely nothing at all. I am a complete loser now. B.I.T.T.E.R.N.E.S.S. That's the word.