Sunday, September 14, 2008

Bitterness

Hi. It’s been a while since my last post. I am just too busy with this frustrating and hectic life here. There’re a lot of bad things that happened to me lately. I was quite stressed out. But everything will be fine, I am a big big girl now and I am quite flexible, don’t I? Let’s recap what’s happening for the last two weeks. For last two weeks on Tuesday I was having my PTE test. It used to be a test with MCQ plus essay questions [I am basing my point on the past years’ test papers] but my lecturer gave us a-whole-MCQ test so, hooray! But do you know that MCQ tends to overemphasize on particular facts? So it ended up to be not-that-easy test. It’s just that you can guess and circle down the answers without leaving it blank. It’s either just-your-luck or too-bad. That’s all.

Then, the next Wednesday, I was having my MTLS test. This is like the worst part of the week. The moment she stepped in the class, it’s already 830 am which it is exactly the time the test should be started. [oh yes, my lecturer is a SHE, the one that I should say I adore by the first class because of the American accent she’s having where initially I would really like to sound like American but once I have studied about the British accent in my Phonetic and Phonology class and how prestigious it can be, I was like living in the middle of it, I don’t know which should I adopt. I used to have a lecturer last semester who is having like a beautiful British accent; she speaks almost like the broadcasters of BBC, and she’s really enthusiastic that she dedicates her life to the language and she sticks on her schedule closely, which means she is punctual, she starts and ends class on time, I once had been penalized not to sign the attendance sheet because I was five minutes late but it’s OK to me since she made it in a funny way, I was not humiliated. Plus there were like a squad of us late that Friday morning. Hehs. Oh yeah, I was telling about this lecturer and her American accent that I have started to hate because she is such a lousy one. Sorry that I have ever wrote it here. I am just expressing what I felt for you, Dr. Z.] And then she said “In the holy month of Ramadhan, I am giving you an open-book test. This happens during Ramadhan, only Ramadhan. It means that you can refer to your book but not to plagiarize.” “Madam, I didn’t bring along my book.” said one of my friends. Do you know the reply? “Too bad if you don’t have your book with you. You cannot borrow your friends’ book.” katanya bersama nada dan muka yang sangat annoying.

Why didn’t she mention it earlier? Yuyu, Rose and I were about to leave our books at home because it’s a test, there’s no use to bring your book along with you since you cannot do anything with the book practically even if you are having it with you, because it’s a TEST! And I would rather have my beautiful sleep than trying my best to memorize the whole text book, yes the whole book. Did I ever mention it here that reading and memorizing text books are like big pressure to me? I’d rather be given a book full of calculation than stuck with reading subjects. Hell I hate it! Alright, there went the test. After about 25 minutes, she said “Alright, you have another fifteen minutes.” And I was like Oh, she might be misspoken it, it’s the holy month of Ramadhan right? She kept on interrupting us with her voice saying this and that which I think she should not be saying because it’s really annoying; we really need a peaceful place to live in. And there’s a bang in my head when she said “You have exactly five minutes. You should wrap up your point now.” At that moment I have just started working on my second essay and her voice kept buzzing my head when she kept on reminding us every single minute that the test is going to end soon. “You have another one minute left. Finish your last sentence. OK, time’s up!”

I was running out of time, not because of me or my poor time management, but it’s because of her! She let us start ten minutes late and ended it ten minutes earlier! Obviously it was HER fault, not mine. I felt like crying the moment I passed up my paper, seriously. At least she should be telling us earlier that she's going to cut down the time so that we can divide and manage our time accordingly. I really don’t mind if I do not know how to answer the questions because it is my fault that I don’t read the book and end up fail to answer the questions but it really disturbs me when I know the answer, I have all the knowledge I need to answer the questions, but I was not given the time I deserve to answer it. It’s really not fair! The test should be completed within an hour but she’s giving us like forty minutes to complete it. She’s violating our rights. Once the papers were collected, she asked us how’s the test and she said “Oh haven’t I told you that open-book test can be tougher? Though you have all the materials with you, you still will not be getting full marks because you tend to copy everything from the book, hence you will go overtime.” Excuse me! Overtime?! I was making the sourest face the time she spoke this. I was really pissed off!

On the same day, I’ve had my assessment of Meeting class, it was a problem solving where a group of us were given a situation and we have to discuss and provide the solutions to it. It went well except for the fact that my lecturer was not happy with my voice projection. She said that I have spoken too softly and I told her that it is my nature to speak that way, I’ve tried my best [because that was the loudest of me, I hate to speak out loud, it requires me more energy, and I hate people to speak out loud, and shout at me or something] and she said that if I am about to teach at school, only the front line will be able to hear me, and I’ll be losing the rest of class. I told her I’ll try harder [just to make her happy] without letting her know that I’m not going to teach anyway. I was not disappointed with the comment, it's not a big deal, at all. I’m used to it. Since I was in secondary school, it aroused, and this happened to be quite frequent. Luckily she’s satisfied with my language as well as the points I have made.

Then went the weekends. It was OK, just an OK. For this week, I was having my Arabic test on Thursday. Not that bad. And we were told to be having a Career Counseling test on Friday but it was cancelled last minute, oh like always. [if you know what I mean] I was quite angry that I have to delay my journey home just because of the test but then it was cancelled. Alright, it was delayed anyway. Then, I should attend my Apresiasi Sastera on Wednesday [it's not the class I ever dreamt to be in but I have to because the other co curricular subjects were fully occupied, so the nine of us, OK, it's actually most of education faculty students were left with no choice, that we have to join either Debat Bahasa Melayu or Apresiasi Sastera, so the nine of us, six girls and the other three boys joined this Apresiasi Sastera. I thought of joining Families in Islam at the first place.] but since everybody’s not going, the girls I mean, because we will be having our third language test the next day, so I ended up absent too. And we were asked to attend to the class on Saturday too. This made me angry. Real angry. Let me tell you something. It’s my co curricular subject which means it’s not that important plus it’s only a credit hour class but they are making it into two hours each session and yet the lecturer is making it into four hours just because he is so enthusiastic in appreciating the Sastera, the Sastera that does not make any sense to me, I was just wasting my time and he wanted us to appreciate and feel it the same way he did and now he’s making it like it is the agenda of our lives. Excuse me, I have a point to make here. Let me just remind you that I have another seven subjects that equal to nineteen hours to catch up and those need more attention than this ridiculous subject. Nonsense!

And now here comes the hardest part of my life, so far. It’s been three weeks already for this someone I treasure to be missing without a trace. I don’t know why. Why did my life turn miserable all of sudden? In this holy month of Ramadhan? To that someone, if you ever crossed this page, I would like to say I am sorry if I did anything wrong. Really hope to hear from you soon.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Last Monday I realized that there’s a profile on Friendster was created using my details. I was shocked to see that. I have heard of it happened before but I never thought it would ever happen to me. I thought of telling my mother of it but I have decided not to because I don’t want her to get paranoid. I am not a superstar to have such a stalker. If you ever know me, you can easily tell that it’s not me. The way she or he is putting the info in it, the words are very not me. That SyAiRa must be addicted to me, she adores me out of I-don’t-know-why, that she wanted to be me so badly, or maybe she just hated me out of I-don’t-know-why too. It’s not a big deal to me [because sooner or later I will get to know the person, as a Muslim, though not a very good one, I believe in Hari Pembalasan] but of course I do care. That person is using my name, my face, my every thing to get to know people. He or she must be sick. Poor people. The world must be mean to her or him. I pray that she or he will be getting what she or he is searching for in life. If that SyAiRa^LaLaLa^ happens to add you, please ignore, that’s not me. I will be using my old account insyaAllah for the rest of my life.

And one more sad news. I don’t have my baju raya yet. It’s pretty sad you know, seeing your other siblings getting their budget on it and you are left with nothing. Now I am staring at the computer and the ceiling blankly. So here I am, having nothing in life. No money, no perfect match, no best friend, definitely nothing at all. I am a complete loser now. B.I.T.T.E.R.N.E.S.S. That's the word.

3 comments:

Esteban said...

should watch the movie entitled 'green street hooligans' mate.

look at the way they talk, their thick english accent while at the same time cursing other hooligans.

classic.

.miss zaza. said...

sape yg stalker tuh??
i did viewed the fs page yg u ckp tu
huh
jhat btol
sabar nyer dear...
dun worry
xde ape la tu
IALLAH

SyAhiRah LaLAla said...

to esteban: wowowo,,the cursing part shud be dropped out.hehs.

to miss zaza: ntahla.biarlah dia dgn saikonya itu.kesian dia,,ntah dmana silapnya jadi begitu.