I Should

have known from the very start that I should not add strangers into my messenger list and should forbid myself from entertaining strangers by all means. Sekarang boleh kata padan muka kepada diri sendiri bila mendapat message yang merimaskan dan menyusahkan diri sendiri. Kawan-kawan rapat pun tidak busy body begitu. Oh tolonglah. I thought of making more and more friends, that's all.

[p/s: can't wait for Terminator Salvation to come out. and am looking forward for the first movie trip ever if the offer is still on.]

If I Could

turn back time, I would like to be sixteen again. I am not going to get myself involve in puppy love because those are all craps. (my ex keeps on viewing my profile from time to time. motif apakah pun tidak tahu. not going to talk about him here anyway. wish him happiness all the way.) I am not going to get myself wasted. I would not have to spare myself for the terrible pain of break-up. (Well, who has not anyway, right? But of course it's such a big waste when you're only seventeen when your main focus should be put on studies. But it taught me to be stronger somehow. Should be grateful for the bitter-sweet memories. Note: Would like to clarify on one thing here. I won the cross-country when I was in form four not because of him as all thought it was, but it was because of the secret formula that Hannan and I had invented that time. But Hannan, I think we should revise the formula because the technique actually works the other way around. Beside the formula, we might had won definitely because of the all-out effort that we'd put, to constantly run that day.) I would stay in that good class with good people to study in (not that my classmates were all bad but some of them were. Ouch.) Will get good result, way better than what I got, and fly myself abroad. Meet wonderful people overseas and end up being what I wanted all these while. Comes the reunion, I will not have a single doubt to join the crowd and teachers will be proud of me, being part of the excellence. But it's too late now. I am all messed up. I fucked everything up. Tahniah kepada diri sendiri. I should have listened to mommy. ---This is my biggest regret among my other regrets---

But come to think of it, I should be grateful somehow. At least I did not end up wandering at the streets. At least not for now la. And perhaps this is the best for me. Who knows, right? Semua orang kata "You should make the best of what you have." I'll try OK, I'll try.

I Don't Believe It Makes Me Real

Have problem with my computer. It's gone senile, or crazy, or so I think (just like its master. biasalah, ikut tuan. hoh.) Will be posting the pictures later. Meanwhile, feeling like life has got no meaning, because was doing nothing except eating and sleeping besides online-ing. Got mommy and daddy accompanied to wedding sometimes, by free will. Thought of going out for movies and fun but friends were not available. Some have gone out datings, some went for weddings. Mimi was busy studying I bet, it's been a while since we last chatted. Should pick up a few books and read perhaps. A blogger friend suggested that I should be blogging more often. I feel like too but sometimes have got hesitations. I don't know why am I acting this weird. Is it normal? Is everyone like me? Is it OK for me to share personal details in here without getting people talking bad behind my back? Maybe I should keep an online diary, anonymously. Well, maybe. Kind of cool, don't you think so? Having a secret identity, telling of the secret life of yours. Told mommy of my plan if I never get married. She said the idea is not cool. Boo. Met my senior from school yesterday. She came down here to my house. Have not met her for like seven years. Finished her master and will be pursuing phD soon. Brilliant her. Congratulations, sister! I reserved myself to be the bridesmaid when she gets married. Should stop by now. Need to feed the cats. Pity them, have got no master, they go wandering behind my house all the time. Feeding them is my new hobby. I'm no so into cats but they are all cute and so manja. Will come to me and gosok-gosok kepala mereka di kaki saya sampai saya gelak sorang-sorang sebab geli. (Sekali dengar adik-adik semua ingatkan saya gila sebab gelak sorang-sorang di dapur. Mereka yang gila sebenarnya. Hoh.) But the cats are naughty too. Will take advantage while we are not looking. Caught red-handed by me once akibat mencuba untuk menangkap hamster adik. Should be wary somehow. Hmm.

Randomness

Hi everyone. Oh, where should I start? I have not updated for almost a month! My God! The exams are finally over, and the holiday is on officially for like twelve days or so now. I have nothing much to say here (Yelah tu. Tetiba kang dah panjang berjela.) Well, I do have like a lot of things to tell but I simply put a hold on everything. (Why-oh-why?) I myself don’t know why. Now are you convinced that my head needs a diagnosis? I simply lose interest over things (Oh No, not again!) And I have been sleeping for more than I should. Initially I was thinking to share of my adult-to-adult talk with my best cousin here but I am such a blast procrastinator. Next, I thought of telling my little chat with my brother but again I put a wait on it. Then, I wished to make an entry on teacher’s day and still, I did not make it. The latest one is my thought of sharing the family day that we had last weekend and this attempt was a failure too. Praise for me. Hoh. So now, are you ready to start the rant?

1. My cousin said that I should not worry too much about my future; the career to be precise. Said that I can try whatever I like and choose later. My brother said I should start thinking about it now. Kena sebijik “hotak kau” because the last time he asked me “Kau nak jadi apa kak?” and I replied “Ntah.” I told this someone that I may want to try to work with a hotel but that someone does not like the idea. Said that I’d better be a teacher.
2. Terasa begitu tersentuh sekali menonton dokumentari hari guru; (ayat puitis) to realize the fact that teachers had sacrifice a lot of things (of their time, of their money, of their energy) for creating successful students academically and morally. Hope it is not too late to wish all the teachers all over the world “Happy Teacher’s Day.” Terima kasih cikgu. (I have started to get the wishes too. Surprisingly from a few lecturers. Wow.)
3. I feel like seventeen when a nineteen years old boy asks my hand for marriage. Kidding. Feel like a sugar mommy because he’s too young for me, but still am impressed that he has the courage to ask and approach. Love at the first sight as he said. Comel lah kamu adik! (Yes, he’s so cute, no kidding.) Too bad that you’re nineteen. If you’re twenty-five, I might consider. Hehs. Kidding. Habis tu “My Perfect Match” macam mana? He’s a growing addiction that I can’t deny. OK, gedik! *malumalumalu*
4. I can’t bear with the fact that I have been indulging myself with too great a dose of sleep for almost like everyday! Yes, the fact is killing me, I do live in guilt for not helping mommy doing house chores (But still not changing yet. Planning to start a new schedule by Monday. Hopefully. Wish me luck.)
5. I get sun burnt. (And my heart is burning too; with fire red but now it's turning blue. OK tipu.) I am tanned now. No, it’s black. No, I mean I am having a darker tone now. My skin is exfoliating; the pimples are suddenly popping up. And my skin turned red. Dark tone and reddish and exfoliating with pimples growing every where on it and they are painful. Perfect! (Hasil daripada berkelah di pantai yang indah bersama keluarga semasa hari keluarga.)
6. Saya benci iklan ambank. Yang ini. Saya benci husband dia. Sebab dia buat expression macam to have a baby is somewhat stressful and it's such a burden because he has to spend his money on his baby. Excuse me. If that so, why does he get married on the first place? Sungguh emo setiap kali menonton iklan ini. I am grateful that my mommy and daddy do not think it that way. I found this book hidden inside the cupboard while tidying. They were waiting for my existence to this world. I felt so much loved upon this revelation. Terima kasih abah dan emak.

I think I should sleep by now. It's four in the morning. So sleepy. I'll put the picture of that family day and the book as well tomorrow, the first thing in the morning once I wake up OK ;) Good Night, everyone. Sleep tight.

Untuk Ibu

Selamat Hari Ibu. In advance :D
Just want to share a video here which I think is interesting. My lecturer showed it to us once in the classroom and suddenly teringat pula. Mari mari ;)

The Talk to The Self

Sometimes I really do think that my head needs to be diagnosed. I am turning crazy!

[p/s: wish me luck, everyone. for the finale that will finally come, and for the future that lays ahead; to where it might direct me to. thank you.]

It's Like My Mind Refuses To Believe What I Am Saying

Hi everyone. I am not letting go, yet, but I am starting to believe in things that I really should. Things like, maybe God has better plans for me. Well, maybe. Who knows, right? Everything happens for a reason; that was once told to me and that is what I believe in now. Last weekend, I had a blast. (Though it was not able to take the pain away, but still I enjoyed my weekend.) I have good people around as company. They made my life a little bit more fun and beautiful. Well at least they tried really hard to make me smile again. Especially, Andres. Thanks to you, Mr. Nice Guy. Though you nag to me like every minute of my every day dengan ayat-ayat seperti “Syahirah, pengurusan masa awak ni lemah! Lemah tahu?” or “Haih, lambatnya budak perempuan nama Syahirah ni bangun. Berabad kena tunggu.” (Excuse me. I hate to interrupt but considering the fact that I am having my menstrual, to be awaked at seven in the morning and went jogging is such a thing to me, OK. I hate to highlight the obvious but I was the earliest person to wake up that day, you know? Among the girls. At least for the second-floor residents because there was nobody in the toilet while I was getting ready and it’s creepy to be in the toilet alone, though it’s seven because people keep talking that there is really a ghost. Seriously! But part of me was enjoying the fact that I can choose which shower to be in because there was really nobody! Hehs.) Those “words of wisdom” that would piss me off sampai rasa macam nak calarkan jek kereta kamu, but still, kamu sangatlah baik hati dan memahami. And I know you were just teasing me. Terima kasih ye kamu. I would like to make clear of a thing; that lesson learnt. This time, it's quite a lot. And I also would like to sum up a few things and they are as follow:

1. Perfume is part of my life. It is my passion. It is me. Meddle with them, you meddle with my identity. So the idea of getting rid of me from the perfumes is somehow, ridiculous. Clear? (But IF, I said IF, someone managed to change me someday, that someone must be very special to me, of course. Simply because I am changing my identity for that someone. Uuuuu. I sounded so serious here.)
2. I have decided not to adopt my darling fish, Sofea (as for now) because I am afraid that I could not cope with the fact that all-living things will not last forever. Once the fish die, I will die too, out of sadness. Just like my sister. She is the toughest girl I have ever met but she still cried all day (OK, well maybe she was not really crying, as what she wanted me to say it here and as what she told la kan that she really did not cry,you see it's not cool to let people know that you're crying over things of your favorite, though it's kind of sweet, it's not that cool anyway I tell you, but she was depressed all day, it was reflected through the status in the messenger that brought me to ask her what happened then she explained) because her hamster died out of complication while giving birth. And I was affected too. Sedih kot.
3. We had a movie trip and I was crying for a scene in the "Confession of a shopaholic" when Bec was fighting with her best friend. (Oh, come to think of it, it has made me wonder who's going to be my bridesmaid IF, I said IF I ever get married one day. Of who's going to be my 'bestman' too. Poor me.) Because I think it relates me to my ex-best friend. That she was having a wrong perception of my intention without giving me chance to explain and only a year after she realized that she had done me wrong and it’s just too late to mend everything, we had tried to start all over again, but it never feels the same, therefore I quit. My thirteen years old friendship is now remained a memory. And yet, my most beautiful relationship with someone I really adored will follow. Life is not easy for me. It never is.
4. Andres got paranoid seeing my eyes turned red after the movie and I was pushed to put away my lenses as he said I will go blind. Duhh. And of course I did not tell him that I was crying for the scene (note: he knows what happened with me and the bestie. I don’t want him to start his sermon on me. And it’s too embarrassing to let know of a guy friend that you were crying for a scene in a movie and I just could not bear with the fact that they will be laughing at me for my whole entire life and they will be teasing me forever, just like what I did to my girl friends who cried for a movie scene. Haha. What goes around comes around, right? And tak cool jugak kalau orang nampak kita menangis. Sangat tak cool.)
5. I was sleeping for the first time in a movie. And it’s “He’s just not that into you” pulak tu, the movie that I have waited for ages to come out. I don’t know, whether it’s because of my struggling with emotions during the previous movie (yes, we did watch a few movies in a day, to catch-up with everything and to take me away from my real suck world) or because of it’s a midnight session, or (oh this is the hardest part) simply because it was boring. *rolling eyes* But I liked the ending for Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend in the movie. That’s soooo sweet. To see a guy who changed for the lady he has fallen in love with. Oh. Fairy tales, fairy tales! Stay away from me! You're just too good to be true.
6. And now I am left with my final work, research proposal, which I believe everyone in my class has progressed up to 80 percent and I am done with only 20 percent because I was just too busy learning how to put the pieces of me into a whole me again. Silly! The dateline is on 17th April. Therefore, I am dead! (tapi masih ada hati nak kuar berfoya-foya dengan abg senior yang akan pulang ke Qatar Khamis ini, dengan Dr. Qish yang baru balik dari Sarawak, dengan Cik Mimie dan Encik Zuhairi yang teringin nak pergi Mini Malaysia, cintakan tanah air katanya, dengan Rain yang sedang bahagia tapi dalam dilema, dengan Sekda yang dah tak berapa nak muda dan dengan Kak Ain yang dah lama tak jumpa. Apakah? Mungkin saya gila.)

[p/s: I know that I WILL SURVIVE, sooner or later. *cross finger*]