For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry. Oh :(

I hate this feeling. suicidal. damn. this is the hardest phase of my life that I was forced to go through. It's the least favorite time. And it will always be. And this time it's real. Fucking real. And it's killing me. I am damn stupid. I should not let myself to be carried away. I should not play with fire. I should not be fooled by technology! Yes. Now I am blaming the technology. because I am torn now. oh. kamu pernah rasa tak macam tak boleh fokus on things that you were supposed to put your focus on? pernah tak kamu rasa seperti hidup kamu dah musnah? (oh ayat apakah ini?) pernah tak kamu rasa sangat mengantuk tapi tak mampu nak tidur dengan lena? dan asyiklah terjaga. dahtu sedar-sedar jek kamu akan terfikirkan tentang burden yang sedang kamu tanggung ni, sadness that has got no cure ni. dapat imagine tak? Hannan and Fitt kata diorang dapat imagine. Kamu? pernah tak kamu rasa tak ada selera langsung biarpun dihidangkan dengan makanan kegemaran kamu yang paling sedap di abad ini? oh perasaan ini sangat complicated to be explained. "I can see the perfect sky is torn". Serius shit tak tipu. haisyy. mulalah rasa seperti mahu mati lagi macam tempoh hari. isk. kawan-kawan, tolong doakan saya tabah ye.

talk to me now I'm older

It's my birthday!
March 25th, 2009.
welcome me, adulthood!
I wish to write a longer post but the babies are waiting for me, I can't neglect them too, though It's my birthday. Haisyy. My baby assignment!

Keinginan Saya

I did not expect that my last post would be very controversial where it had become an issue through out the campus. People were talking about it, some were aware of the writer is me, while some were referring me as just “a blogger”. My God. Some people seem to go against me and my stand up to an extent where they took it personally. But most of people are sharing the same value, only a few of them are going against it. I even heard that a few people were throwing words like “Alah Syiro tu macam la bagus sangat!” [oh-ow, kamu ketahuan. Gotcha! Takpe, saya dah maafkan awak juga biarpun awak tak minta maaf kat saya sebab I don't give it a damn. Suka hati kamulah nak cakap apa kan. Like I fucking care.] and things like “Who is she to judge people?” Excuse me, allow me to clarify. I am not judging people. I am telling you now that I was just writing up my opinion and stand over things, in this case; the name-calling; the action of the presenters who called upon the target people in the middle of presentations as I view it unethical when the motive of calling is suspicious; which is to humiliate people [it seems as such to me, sorry.] I am not pointing to any particular presenter, I view it in general, that’s why I was mentioning “the presenters” not “the presenter” or “she” or “he”. This is meant for the people who did not agree with me---It’s just too bad that we don’t share the same values in life, so if you don’t like what I am writing; just stop reading and stay away from my writings, OK? [Oh, I should not be writing this pun sebenarnya. I do not owe you any explanation, anyway. The presenters had apologized, I did too (for the harsh words I wrote in this virtual world, remember?) and we had come into an understanding, therefore the case is now closed.]

Oh, tujuan sebenar saya hanyalah untuk memberitahu akan keinginan saya terhadap ini. Tuhan, tolonglah. Saya sangat mahu ini. Ianya sangatlah adorable. Saya hanya mampu cuba-pakai di kedai sahaja sebab tidak cukup duit untuk membeli. Oh. Saya amat kasihan :(

Name-Calling

It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.

This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )

I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.

Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)

To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?

I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)

[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]

Update

Hi everyone. I had just realized that I did not post anything on February. February should be filled with love all over the world, too bad that I had missed the month. Someone should take the blame for not making me feel loved. [My Perfect Match, I wish you read this one *mengade~*] Hehs. I am super busy this semester, of the assignments of course. So I am going to sum up a few things of my interest.

1. I am turning 23 soon. Very soon. Welcome me adulthood!
2. Another item in my wishlist is checked now. Yeay!
3. I had stopped driving since five years ago and still not driving so the idea of seeing me driving to class is ridiculous OK? And I didn't own a car. And sugar daddy too! You crazy story-mongers, don't be silly. And my bestfriend's name is neither Farah nor Linda. I can't even recall having close friends named as mentioned. Haisy.
4. I hate copycats. By all means.
5. I am suffering from severe coughing and sore throat, fever and flu. I've lost my voice. And tomorrow I am going to have a reading test of my third language class and so, I am worried now. How am I going to survive?
6. I have learnt that teachers really give deep impacts on students by all means; say it of self-esteem, motivation, etc. It's of my own experience being in both condition; having lecturers who are very supportive when you are giving your opinion over things as well as having lecturers who downgrade you though you have been putting tremendous effort on your work. It's so devastating to have such lecturers. To me, a lecturer should be the most supportive creature in the world. That makes me even scared of being a teacher, realizing the fact that the impact I might be giving to my students if I somehow fail to be a great role-model to them. Now I have decreased my interest to 20% [if you could grasp my hidden meaning.]
7. I don't feel at home when I was at home last weekend. Everything's changing, for betterment of course, but somehow, I was not as comfortable as I was before. Am I not resilient?
8. I have learnt my lesson of not to go against the rules as it really brings bad impacts towards me and people around me. I regret myself for doing so. And I swear not to repeat the same mistake over again.
9. I have started to feel annoyed of my public speaking class as it is irrelevant for me in the sense that the amount of works that I have to accomplish every week, of the amount of hours that I have to spend for the class [she's making it into two classes a week which equals to four hours but the fact that the course is actually a one-credit-hour course only. Got it everyone?] as well as the relevance of each task given. I don't want you to think that I am complaining out of nothing and please do not hesitate to ask for living proof.

OK, I am out of control. I should get ready to go to my public speaking class [it was meant for my co-curricular activities and I realized that I am not lucky in choosing the course. I always be in classes where everything is not enjoyable as it sounds and as it should.] And so, I have got to go by now. My next entry might be a long entry. Considering the fact that I am a left-brained person, playing with words is my favourite [though it is not my expertise. and maybe that is why I always mess things up *rolling eyes*] Bye-bye, people.

OK, tiba-tiba rasa nak tambah list lah. Sambung balik.

1. I noticed that for the more I wish for something, the further it goes away from me. And most of my wishes did not come true. Malang kan? Maybe I should stop wishing for the things that I want. Maybe I should just go with the flow. And maybe I should be heartless too. Left-brainer kan tidak emosional. Kan?
2. Some say I am revengeful. Well, maybe I am.
3. It's good to be noticed in class. I do agree with you, Moq A. It feels so good if the lecturers remember your name. And the good side of you, for sure. It's a proof that they are aware of your existence in this world. [bunyi macam loser yang hunger for attention pula. oh.]
4. I am revealing the other side of me here. The darker side that I wish I could display.
5. Perhaps I should eat so many lemons because I am so bitter.

It's 4.30 a.m. and I have early morning class tomorrow. I wish I would be able to wake up and make it to class. Dan harap-harap saya akan berjaya mewarnakan kasut dengan cantik dan jayanya, amin *prayhard*

Blurry

All I can conclude about my life now can be sung through this song called blurry. (I think.) Let’s sing it together kawan-kawan! *serabut*

Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someoneYou could be my sceneYou know that I'll protect youFrom all of the obsceneI wonder what you're doingImagine where you areThere's oceans in between usBut that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my faceEveryone is changing There's no one left that's real So make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel 'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someone You could be my scene Know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well, you shoved it in my faceThis pain you gave to meOh,Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run awayNobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to me Can you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meNOOOOOO!This pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayTake it all awayThis pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayThis pain you gave to me

Oh wait! part of me says this song could describe the problem I am dealing now. Let's sing it along! *stress*

I think I've already lost youI think you're already goneI think I'm finally scared nowYou think I'm weak - but I think you're wrongI think you're already leavingFeels like your hand is on the doorI thought this place was an empireBut now I'm relaxed - I can't be sureI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I think too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI bet you're hard to get overI bet the room just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mindI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I talk too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

hehs. saiko kan? I have a lot of things to share but as usual, I always have moral qualms of sharing things that I consider myself improper or too private because if I were to share, people might have different views of me than what they used to have before they know what am I keeping, plus the secret I am keeping won't be a secret anymore and people will start talking of it and I am afraid I can't bear to live with it. OK, now I am behaving like a DIVA. I am a nobody anyway. Too bad that I have to care of what others think of me. So typical.

For the time being, the GOAL is really torturing me. Everybody in the class was talking about it. All lecturers were too, talking about the goal and the mission and vision in life, that kind of thing. (By the way, I am now at least being able to define and differentiate between those two words; mission and vision. At least I am not a complete loser by that mean. Well, at least when somebody asks me of the terms, I can provide a definite answer. That was part of my learning in Curriculum and Instruction. Credit to Dr. Burn for being really helpful. I like him.) And at least by now, everybody had seen their own paths, of what they want to do in life, who they are going to end up be, in fact some of them had known with whom they are going to be with for the rest of their life, except ME. Though it’s just a planning, everybody else seems to be very sure of their future, while I am lost and left behind. I am really tortured when I wake up every morning to know that I have no goal in life, that I always have to bear in mind that I ought to have a goal, go find at least one significant goal to be achieved then my life would be meaningful because sometimes I do feel that my life has no meaning. I go to classes every day but so little thing that I learn. I mean I am fine with the hidden curriculum, all the moral values that the lecturers were trying to instill were absorbed by me quite well but of the real curriculum that I have to master, I am quite lost. It’s not that I know nothing but I can’t relate things with my learning. I can’t see what’s the relevance of a few courses that I attend are meaning for. See, now I complicate things, like always.

You know what, I feel like giving up what I am doing now. Seriously. Those are so not me. I don't feel alive. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Almost there. I'd lost interest over things. I don't do things that I always do anymore. I didn’t blog for quite a while. Not because I am busy with school but it’s simply because I don’t feel like to. I left all my assignments, untouched. And the datelines are coming, very soon. I simply lost interest in life. I don’t go out, I don’t catch-up with people, I’ve stopped chatting, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio, I rarely surf the net. All I did was either staring blankly at the ceiling or lying on the bed. Hey, I did not jog too! That's really bad, OK. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should go get a life. Well, maybe I should just move on, and start all over again.

I Am Not Crazy

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since my last visit to the blog. The last time I wrote in here, I was suicidal. Hehs. Now I am ashamed of it. *blush* Let’s not talk about it anymore. Now is the time for me to make a summarization over things. Mind you people, this is going to be a long entry. I am glad that 2008 is now over. It’s been the worst year ever. 2009 comes together with my hopes that are too many to mention here but basically I am wishing for again, miracles to happen and the whole thing to go in my way. That’s it all.

By the way, I was having fun last week. There were two separate occasions that made me feel alive. One is a secret that I could not tell. The other one is of course of the outings with the darling girl friends. I have decided to spend two days exploring Malacca. So the first day I went to the malls at the heart of the city and went to the ‘Eye On Malaysia, Melaka’ at night. I was filled with fruitful excitement till I cried in my heart. You may understand why I was feeling that way if you know how hard I’ve tried and how long I’ve been waiting to be there. It is included as one of my wish list. (I have this “25-Things-To-Do-Before-I-Reach-25” list and now “Eye On Malaysia” is checked. Thank God.) I actually had been waiting for the moment since last year but nobody wants to accompany me when it was operating at Titiwangsa. And over the time I realized that everybody had gone there with their love ones, and I was left behind. That’s so sad. So the moment I step on the ground where it is located, I was in heaven. I feel that way. Seriously. And the next day I went to the malls again and spent the night sight seeing 'The Jonker Walk' and the city at night. Here are some photos to be shared.

OK, I am now facing a problem regarding my sociolinguistic class. Last week my lecturer asked the whole class to create a postcard-sized ID consisting of the name, address, phone number, the GPA and CGPA, and also the goals, just to get to know the students better, said the lecturer. I do think that it's a good idea that I might be applying too if I happen to teach in the future. I was quite excited to create the ID card but to think of the goal again make me want to vomit. What? Goal? I am dead. I’d left all the goals behind, remember? That now I am planning to just go with the flow without having to worry of any goal to be reached. I am stuck with that thing up to this very moment and tomorrow morning I am supposed to hand that thing in. What should I put in that ‘goals’ column? Should I write “I am giving myself a chance to find my one until I reach thirty. If I don’t get married by thirty years old, I am not going to marry at all. I will be adopting a baby girl that will be named with a beautiful name like Marissa Sofea, and will be raising her up alone because I’d just realized that babies give me tranquility. The last time I was depressed, my little cousin Alya had been the remedy. (I attached the video at the bottom of this post just in case you are interested in having a look at it.) Then maybe I will pursue my second degree in the field that I am into all these while, I don’t mind if I will not pass with flying colors because my Science subjects are rusty, but as long as I have the chance to be in that line, I will be grateful enough. Or maybe I should have a master in management or tourism so that I can travel around the world. (Is that possible? To jump from a line that has got nothing to do with tourism at all?) My next goal is to own a Mercedes. I wish I could pay back my loan in five years time instead of fifteen years as scheduled so I could devote my salary for that Mercedes before I die, or else I will die with a lot of regrets within me, not getting married, not having my own Mercedes and so on and end up being a loser for my whole life. Oh no! But I don’t think I could make it in five years, considering the fact that I will be making only 2K in a month as a fresh graduate and quarter of it will go to my parents since I am spending their money, a lot of it, plus I am the eldest of four. I have a huge responsibility of everything. Then RM200 will have to be spent on the loan. I might want to save a small portion of my salary too for future use (if and only if I have a future.) as well for my other expenses like food and utility bills. And the list goes on and on.” Should I? Of course it’s a NO. Haisy. What should I be putting in? Think Syahirah, think!

One more thing that I’ve just realized of myself is that I am now being super sensitive towards things. Of what you say to me, of what you do, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, etc. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget too. Initially I thought of being heartless that I would not care of those things but now I am becoming the old, super sensitive me. Every little thing counts now. This drags to the change in my mood. My mood swings more often now. Haisy. I am also being able to tolerate with some shades of blue color now. In fact, I bought myself a blue scarf yesterday. I wonder why I am behaving like this. Is it a sign of adulthood? At this moment, I have a thought of being quiet again because I think people lost respect over the talkative me. (That's what my father taught my mother since she's a talkative too.) Plus I might bore them to death too. Maybe I should keep my distant. Perhaps I should be asking myself “Why on earth would they be interested in knowing this?” everytime I have things to tell so that will keep my mouth shut. In my research method class, it says that everyone has opinions. So I think there’s nothing wrong to share your opinion but for me, I am going to share it here, so that I won’t bother other people who are not interested in the business I am into. I will start being quiet by tomorrow. And be more optimistic. Hopefully.