talk to me now I'm older

It's my birthday!
March 25th, 2009.
welcome me, adulthood!
I wish to write a longer post but the babies are waiting for me, I can't neglect them too, though It's my birthday. Haisyy. My baby assignment!

Keinginan Saya

I did not expect that my last post would be very controversial where it had become an issue through out the campus. People were talking about it, some were aware of the writer is me, while some were referring me as just “a blogger”. My God. Some people seem to go against me and my stand up to an extent where they took it personally. But most of people are sharing the same value, only a few of them are going against it. I even heard that a few people were throwing words like “Alah Syiro tu macam la bagus sangat!” [oh-ow, kamu ketahuan. Gotcha! Takpe, saya dah maafkan awak juga biarpun awak tak minta maaf kat saya sebab I don't give it a damn. Suka hati kamulah nak cakap apa kan. Like I fucking care.] and things like “Who is she to judge people?” Excuse me, allow me to clarify. I am not judging people. I am telling you now that I was just writing up my opinion and stand over things, in this case; the name-calling; the action of the presenters who called upon the target people in the middle of presentations as I view it unethical when the motive of calling is suspicious; which is to humiliate people [it seems as such to me, sorry.] I am not pointing to any particular presenter, I view it in general, that’s why I was mentioning “the presenters” not “the presenter” or “she” or “he”. This is meant for the people who did not agree with me---It’s just too bad that we don’t share the same values in life, so if you don’t like what I am writing; just stop reading and stay away from my writings, OK? [Oh, I should not be writing this pun sebenarnya. I do not owe you any explanation, anyway. The presenters had apologized, I did too (for the harsh words I wrote in this virtual world, remember?) and we had come into an understanding, therefore the case is now closed.]

Oh, tujuan sebenar saya hanyalah untuk memberitahu akan keinginan saya terhadap ini. Tuhan, tolonglah. Saya sangat mahu ini. Ianya sangatlah adorable. Saya hanya mampu cuba-pakai di kedai sahaja sebab tidak cukup duit untuk membeli. Oh. Saya amat kasihan :(

Name-Calling

It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.

This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )

I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.

Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)

To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?

I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)

[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]

Update

Hi everyone. I had just realized that I did not post anything on February. February should be filled with love all over the world, too bad that I had missed the month. Someone should take the blame for not making me feel loved. [My Perfect Match, I wish you read this one *mengade~*] Hehs. I am super busy this semester, of the assignments of course. So I am going to sum up a few things of my interest.

1. I am turning 23 soon. Very soon. Welcome me adulthood!
2. Another item in my wishlist is checked now. Yeay!
3. I had stopped driving since five years ago and still not driving so the idea of seeing me driving to class is ridiculous OK? And I didn't own a car. And sugar daddy too! You crazy story-mongers, don't be silly. And my bestfriend's name is neither Farah nor Linda. I can't even recall having close friends named as mentioned. Haisy.
4. I hate copycats. By all means.
5. I am suffering from severe coughing and sore throat, fever and flu. I've lost my voice. And tomorrow I am going to have a reading test of my third language class and so, I am worried now. How am I going to survive?
6. I have learnt that teachers really give deep impacts on students by all means; say it of self-esteem, motivation, etc. It's of my own experience being in both condition; having lecturers who are very supportive when you are giving your opinion over things as well as having lecturers who downgrade you though you have been putting tremendous effort on your work. It's so devastating to have such lecturers. To me, a lecturer should be the most supportive creature in the world. That makes me even scared of being a teacher, realizing the fact that the impact I might be giving to my students if I somehow fail to be a great role-model to them. Now I have decreased my interest to 20% [if you could grasp my hidden meaning.]
7. I don't feel at home when I was at home last weekend. Everything's changing, for betterment of course, but somehow, I was not as comfortable as I was before. Am I not resilient?
8. I have learnt my lesson of not to go against the rules as it really brings bad impacts towards me and people around me. I regret myself for doing so. And I swear not to repeat the same mistake over again.
9. I have started to feel annoyed of my public speaking class as it is irrelevant for me in the sense that the amount of works that I have to accomplish every week, of the amount of hours that I have to spend for the class [she's making it into two classes a week which equals to four hours but the fact that the course is actually a one-credit-hour course only. Got it everyone?] as well as the relevance of each task given. I don't want you to think that I am complaining out of nothing and please do not hesitate to ask for living proof.

OK, I am out of control. I should get ready to go to my public speaking class [it was meant for my co-curricular activities and I realized that I am not lucky in choosing the course. I always be in classes where everything is not enjoyable as it sounds and as it should.] And so, I have got to go by now. My next entry might be a long entry. Considering the fact that I am a left-brained person, playing with words is my favourite [though it is not my expertise. and maybe that is why I always mess things up *rolling eyes*] Bye-bye, people.

OK, tiba-tiba rasa nak tambah list lah. Sambung balik.

1. I noticed that for the more I wish for something, the further it goes away from me. And most of my wishes did not come true. Malang kan? Maybe I should stop wishing for the things that I want. Maybe I should just go with the flow. And maybe I should be heartless too. Left-brainer kan tidak emosional. Kan?
2. Some say I am revengeful. Well, maybe I am.
3. It's good to be noticed in class. I do agree with you, Moq A. It feels so good if the lecturers remember your name. And the good side of you, for sure. It's a proof that they are aware of your existence in this world. [bunyi macam loser yang hunger for attention pula. oh.]
4. I am revealing the other side of me here. The darker side that I wish I could display.
5. Perhaps I should eat so many lemons because I am so bitter.

It's 4.30 a.m. and I have early morning class tomorrow. I wish I would be able to wake up and make it to class. Dan harap-harap saya akan berjaya mewarnakan kasut dengan cantik dan jayanya, amin *prayhard*