I’ve got a pang of terror this morning. I’ve got a dream. A bad dream I must say. (Dream here again refers to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep.) Do you know what I dreamed of? It’s my biggest fear of all currently; my examination result. Here’s the description.
I was queuing up in a long line, waiting for my name to be called. (It’s like what you were having at school assembly when you were waiting to be called upon your great achievement in sports or academic field.) I’ve waited long enough to know that my name was the second-last person to be called. That time I was wishing that my parents would have had a glance over me and be proud that my name was called and I was on stage but I could not catch a trace of them at all. It’s OK I thought because I still can impress them with what I am getting. Once I was called, an enveloped was handed to me and I opened it with spasm of hope to be getting good news. I can’t help myself when the slip says I get 3.2 in the exam. No way! I should be getting more, at least a 3.3 and above. And so I was running back to the hostel; obviously it’s the girls’ hostel back in my secondary school when I bumped into Tehah my classmate now and knowing that she gets the dean’s list has made me cry. (To Tehah, if you ever cross this page, congratulations in advance.) I was meaning to meet Amalina to get to know her result, (We have had a deal earlier in real life of things) but she was at no sight. So I went straightaway to the “Prefect Room” and met Hannan there just to know that she's got the dean’s list too and she was organizing a quick party to celebrate with the colleagues with the dean’s list. (You see I have a total mixed-up of people whom I know of my school days and of present time in this dream.) During my high school years, Hannan used to be my closest friend whom I am comfortable to share most of my things with and she's the only person who knows most of my secret besides my best friend, of course. (who is now an ex-best friend to me *sigh*) And of course we exchanged secrets to be fair. Hehs. Since Hannan was just too busy with the preparation, I headed towards the bathroom and cried out loud. (Oh that’s very me. I would always cry in the bathroom or under the blanket. Though I am a big girl now. Shame on me.) While I was crying I was hoping that this is just a dream. It’s only December 12, not December 17 in which the date the result should be announced. We cannot have like a week earlier of announcement. It cannot be happening. You know what; I have a deal with this someone that I am going to get a treat if I make the dean’s list in this dream as well as in real life. I was absorbed with my own thought of how to break the news to that person, whether to cheat by using Amalina’s slip (Mind you people, Amalina is a top-scorer all the way, that we always be joking on me copying her result and claiming it’s mine to get the treat and I will be buying her sorvenirs in return. Hehs. But honestly I don’t think I will be doing that, ever in my life. I cannot bear to live in guilt for cheating just for the sake of getting the treat. Noble, huh? ) or to come clean. And I have decided in the dream to come clean anyway. Great because I have a few other things to sort out, I don’t want to fuck things up and get my life even complicated, if you know what I mean. And there my dream stops.
I wake up and feel a thud of sadness within me. I do still remember of this feeling. It’s the same kind I was having when I got to know my PMR result. I was building so much hope to get straight A’s but I was failed. Geography was really not my thing. (To even mention the word "Geograpy" here is killing me.) In fact it really is not, up to this moment. I am a dumb ass when dealing with Geography. Don’t blame me for that, I’ve put my 101 percent on it but still I ended up getting a B. Maybe it’s just not my luck. I still remember how my parents were trying so hard to cheer me up. They brought me to Mahkota Parade (just because I love to be there, though they hate to be there.) together with my best friend, oh, my so-called best friend (she got straight A’s of course, she’s fucking genius!) and we went to watch movie, we had dinner, a special one, altogether. But on our way back, I could not help myself, I was crying in silent (thank God it was dark at night) to see that Equatorial Hotel where my friends with straight A’s were supposed to be treated. It’s not that I cannot afford a hi-tea there but it’s all different when you get treated. The appreciation is all I am wanting for. And now I was having this bad dream. No, not again! I do not want to experience the pain all over again! Oh, please not.
I thought of telling my mother of this for the sake of getting approval, just in case it turns out to be true that that’s exactly the real thing that will be happening, but I have a tinge of doubt and the hesitation I am having is quite enough to stop myself from telling. Speaking of my mother, she is very dynamic where I hardly can predict her. Or maybe we can assume her as unpredictable. (Everybody that I happen to know is dynamic, except me. I am the only one who seem to be alienated. Static, that's what a person who is significant to me acknowleged me once. Oh, I am such a poor thing.) There are times when I am speaking to her to get her approval, (I’d rather term it into “speaking” than “confronting” because confrontation will always bring me to failure, I simply could not stand the pressure.) expecting her to tranquil me, there she is, nagging me in return and when I expect her to be mad, get angry with me, it happens the other way around. That’s my mother. But despite all, she’s made a very good mother. And she still is. So does my father, he’s a very good father as the matter of fact. It’s just that I have lack interaction with him since he does not speak too much, which I wish he does.
Since I am failing to find a single person to confide in, so here I am, blogging, telling all of you of my dream. My bad dream. You know I am obsessed with my dreams, don’t you? Earlier this week I’ve got dreams-come-true on a few things like my cousin Huda was telling me that my cousin Faisal is making me as his top friend in Friendster (maybe he has no intention of making me the top friend, it’s maybe just the stupid Friendster has got confused and set everything up) and my friend at school, Naa does add me in Facebook and both of them are definitely true. They are happening for real! I didn’t know why I was having such dreams. Not just ordinary dreams but dreams-come-true type of dreams. Maybe I was a bit stressed out. I was having such tough times lately. The little quarrel with the siblings. (I am at success of bringing it on up to today, I was putting this don’t-you-ever-dare-to-argue-with-me face on, all day and I was not speaking to both of them, the little sister and the little brother.) With the things which I considered resolved suddenly become unresolved again. (Have you ever been at one point where you are certain about things, important things of course, in your life like you have decided that you wanted to do this, you wanted to be that, you would end up being with this particular person but suddenly it changed all of sudden due to a few things that happened to you where you feel like “I have had enough of this” that now you are being completely unsure of those things that you are about 99 percent sure of before?) And a lot more things. My life is a total mess. I fucked things up.
I had been told once that I need to have a goal in life. And so I build up my goal. I’ve reviewed my goal with a few friends that I’d trusted for life but they said I must lower down my expectations since I am having high expectations on life. I can’t expect things to go on my way all the time which I am expecting it to be like for the whole time of my life and once the thing falls out its way, I am the one who will be suffering of frustration by not getting it the way I wanted. So maybe at this point I have to rethink and do amendments of the goal that I should have in my life. Or maybe I should not have a goal, I should just go with the flow like I used to live my life once, two years back to be precise, with having nothing to worry about, with having no one to impress, no set-up marks or grades or pointers or whatever-they-term-it to be achieved, and just follow where life might bring me to and pretend like it’s fine, I’m trying not to make it a huge deal, to make myself smile brightly and just to show that I am fine being myself, quite myself I would say, enjoying my life to the max, and not to care what other people might perceive me as whether it’s I am not struggling too much, or I am just a lazy bum, or I am just a stupid girl who gets her hair colored with no brain, or anything. (You just put it in a list, help yourself, please.) I don’t really care, I don't even bother back then. What you think is your business, not mine. I don't give a damn.
Oh that dream gave a big impact on me considering it might be my worst result in my tract record so far if it happens to be true. And I will be living my life with horror for the remaining five days till the result is announced. Haisyy. Ribena, anyone?
