Blurry

All I can conclude about my life now can be sung through this song called blurry. (I think.) Let’s sing it together kawan-kawan! *serabut*

Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someoneYou could be my sceneYou know that I'll protect youFrom all of the obsceneI wonder what you're doingImagine where you areThere's oceans in between usBut that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my faceEveryone is changing There's no one left that's real So make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel 'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someone You could be my scene Know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well, you shoved it in my faceThis pain you gave to meOh,Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run awayNobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to me Can you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meNOOOOOO!This pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayTake it all awayThis pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayThis pain you gave to me

Oh wait! part of me says this song could describe the problem I am dealing now. Let's sing it along! *stress*

I think I've already lost youI think you're already goneI think I'm finally scared nowYou think I'm weak - but I think you're wrongI think you're already leavingFeels like your hand is on the doorI thought this place was an empireBut now I'm relaxed - I can't be sureI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I think too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI bet you're hard to get overI bet the room just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mindI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I talk too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

hehs. saiko kan? I have a lot of things to share but as usual, I always have moral qualms of sharing things that I consider myself improper or too private because if I were to share, people might have different views of me than what they used to have before they know what am I keeping, plus the secret I am keeping won't be a secret anymore and people will start talking of it and I am afraid I can't bear to live with it. OK, now I am behaving like a DIVA. I am a nobody anyway. Too bad that I have to care of what others think of me. So typical.

For the time being, the GOAL is really torturing me. Everybody in the class was talking about it. All lecturers were too, talking about the goal and the mission and vision in life, that kind of thing. (By the way, I am now at least being able to define and differentiate between those two words; mission and vision. At least I am not a complete loser by that mean. Well, at least when somebody asks me of the terms, I can provide a definite answer. That was part of my learning in Curriculum and Instruction. Credit to Dr. Burn for being really helpful. I like him.) And at least by now, everybody had seen their own paths, of what they want to do in life, who they are going to end up be, in fact some of them had known with whom they are going to be with for the rest of their life, except ME. Though it’s just a planning, everybody else seems to be very sure of their future, while I am lost and left behind. I am really tortured when I wake up every morning to know that I have no goal in life, that I always have to bear in mind that I ought to have a goal, go find at least one significant goal to be achieved then my life would be meaningful because sometimes I do feel that my life has no meaning. I go to classes every day but so little thing that I learn. I mean I am fine with the hidden curriculum, all the moral values that the lecturers were trying to instill were absorbed by me quite well but of the real curriculum that I have to master, I am quite lost. It’s not that I know nothing but I can’t relate things with my learning. I can’t see what’s the relevance of a few courses that I attend are meaning for. See, now I complicate things, like always.

You know what, I feel like giving up what I am doing now. Seriously. Those are so not me. I don't feel alive. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Almost there. I'd lost interest over things. I don't do things that I always do anymore. I didn’t blog for quite a while. Not because I am busy with school but it’s simply because I don’t feel like to. I left all my assignments, untouched. And the datelines are coming, very soon. I simply lost interest in life. I don’t go out, I don’t catch-up with people, I’ve stopped chatting, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio, I rarely surf the net. All I did was either staring blankly at the ceiling or lying on the bed. Hey, I did not jog too! That's really bad, OK. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should go get a life. Well, maybe I should just move on, and start all over again.

I Am Not Crazy

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since my last visit to the blog. The last time I wrote in here, I was suicidal. Hehs. Now I am ashamed of it. *blush* Let’s not talk about it anymore. Now is the time for me to make a summarization over things. Mind you people, this is going to be a long entry. I am glad that 2008 is now over. It’s been the worst year ever. 2009 comes together with my hopes that are too many to mention here but basically I am wishing for again, miracles to happen and the whole thing to go in my way. That’s it all.

By the way, I was having fun last week. There were two separate occasions that made me feel alive. One is a secret that I could not tell. The other one is of course of the outings with the darling girl friends. I have decided to spend two days exploring Malacca. So the first day I went to the malls at the heart of the city and went to the ‘Eye On Malaysia, Melaka’ at night. I was filled with fruitful excitement till I cried in my heart. You may understand why I was feeling that way if you know how hard I’ve tried and how long I’ve been waiting to be there. It is included as one of my wish list. (I have this “25-Things-To-Do-Before-I-Reach-25” list and now “Eye On Malaysia” is checked. Thank God.) I actually had been waiting for the moment since last year but nobody wants to accompany me when it was operating at Titiwangsa. And over the time I realized that everybody had gone there with their love ones, and I was left behind. That’s so sad. So the moment I step on the ground where it is located, I was in heaven. I feel that way. Seriously. And the next day I went to the malls again and spent the night sight seeing 'The Jonker Walk' and the city at night. Here are some photos to be shared.

OK, I am now facing a problem regarding my sociolinguistic class. Last week my lecturer asked the whole class to create a postcard-sized ID consisting of the name, address, phone number, the GPA and CGPA, and also the goals, just to get to know the students better, said the lecturer. I do think that it's a good idea that I might be applying too if I happen to teach in the future. I was quite excited to create the ID card but to think of the goal again make me want to vomit. What? Goal? I am dead. I’d left all the goals behind, remember? That now I am planning to just go with the flow without having to worry of any goal to be reached. I am stuck with that thing up to this very moment and tomorrow morning I am supposed to hand that thing in. What should I put in that ‘goals’ column? Should I write “I am giving myself a chance to find my one until I reach thirty. If I don’t get married by thirty years old, I am not going to marry at all. I will be adopting a baby girl that will be named with a beautiful name like Marissa Sofea, and will be raising her up alone because I’d just realized that babies give me tranquility. The last time I was depressed, my little cousin Alya had been the remedy. (I attached the video at the bottom of this post just in case you are interested in having a look at it.) Then maybe I will pursue my second degree in the field that I am into all these while, I don’t mind if I will not pass with flying colors because my Science subjects are rusty, but as long as I have the chance to be in that line, I will be grateful enough. Or maybe I should have a master in management or tourism so that I can travel around the world. (Is that possible? To jump from a line that has got nothing to do with tourism at all?) My next goal is to own a Mercedes. I wish I could pay back my loan in five years time instead of fifteen years as scheduled so I could devote my salary for that Mercedes before I die, or else I will die with a lot of regrets within me, not getting married, not having my own Mercedes and so on and end up being a loser for my whole life. Oh no! But I don’t think I could make it in five years, considering the fact that I will be making only 2K in a month as a fresh graduate and quarter of it will go to my parents since I am spending their money, a lot of it, plus I am the eldest of four. I have a huge responsibility of everything. Then RM200 will have to be spent on the loan. I might want to save a small portion of my salary too for future use (if and only if I have a future.) as well for my other expenses like food and utility bills. And the list goes on and on.” Should I? Of course it’s a NO. Haisy. What should I be putting in? Think Syahirah, think!

One more thing that I’ve just realized of myself is that I am now being super sensitive towards things. Of what you say to me, of what you do, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, etc. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget too. Initially I thought of being heartless that I would not care of those things but now I am becoming the old, super sensitive me. Every little thing counts now. This drags to the change in my mood. My mood swings more often now. Haisy. I am also being able to tolerate with some shades of blue color now. In fact, I bought myself a blue scarf yesterday. I wonder why I am behaving like this. Is it a sign of adulthood? At this moment, I have a thought of being quiet again because I think people lost respect over the talkative me. (That's what my father taught my mother since she's a talkative too.) Plus I might bore them to death too. Maybe I should keep my distant. Perhaps I should be asking myself “Why on earth would they be interested in knowing this?” everytime I have things to tell so that will keep my mouth shut. In my research method class, it says that everyone has opinions. So I think there’s nothing wrong to share your opinion but for me, I am going to share it here, so that I won’t bother other people who are not interested in the business I am into. I will start being quiet by tomorrow. And be more optimistic. Hopefully.