Oh Monday Is Being Cruel To Me

I am not in the mood for any conversation since every body seems not to understand what I am going through. Siap kata "takpe takpe, chill. Shiro kan tabah." Gila! My day started up at 2pm. (We did escape the morning class; the PTE class since we were too lazy to listen to the whole same thing over and over again and I heard that Dr. C will be going to deduct marks for the absentee. Oh Great. But Dr. C is really a nice lecturer, I mean he is not a fussy and lousy one, he smiles all the time, neglecting the fact that he favors me in the sense that I is a must for him to ask question for every Monday morning session, regardless how much attention I was paying to his lecture or not at all, I will never been excluded as the target, and no matter where I place my self, either the front row, the middle or as the back ventures. Oh kenapakah? he is really a sweetheart, it’s just that the subject he is teaching is just too boring and he might be forgotten that he had told us the story of Institut Aminuddin Baki, the Ustaz Department, the Universiti Malaya thing all the way that I am able to repeat back to you of the whole story. Try me.) I have had my presentation for my Career Counseling on Career Guidance Program in Higher Learning Institution and it went well. Then I attended my Micro Teaching for Listening and Speaking; MTLS class and it started well.

We had a short break at 5pm to perform the prayer and when I got back to class, they were about to start to take turn for the micro teaching session and I have got to be the second presenter (I was assigned to teach speaking) and I have absolutely no problem with that, at all because I believe that sooner or later I ought to present it, so the turn doesn’t matter. But since we have a few students that happened to absent today, my lecturer was being so nice and considerate, that she wanted to make them to present in the later session. Here the problem aroused when my class representative asked for the literature students to volunteer themselves to do it in earlier part since they will dismiss from class earlier than us, the counseling students, as for they will be having a literature class at 6pm but they refused to volunteer. Then the name-calling began. They asked a student of literature, Miss A to be the first (which to me it does not make any difference since she is the third person to present, they should call for the later turn say number twelve onwards.) but she refused too. So the boyfriend of Miss A pointed out my name to be the first. “Apa kata kita bagi Shiro first, sebab dia second, it does not make any difference.” Oh thank you Encik F. Kamu sungguh cool. Untuk selamatkan girlfriend kamu, kamu menjadikan saya mangsa. Memang style dan cool lah kamu! Berbanyak terima kasih. And so, the whole class asked me to go first and suddenly I became the center of attention that everybody is putting their hope on me. I seriously have no objection to that, because it absolutely fine with me, it’s just that I feel like that Encik F is violating me. He should not point out my name just to save his girl friend. That’s really cruel of him. Keji!

I don’t have a boyfriend to step up for me like that and should I say that I do not need my boyfriend to save me, I can handle it myself. I saved myself by being the first to do the micro teaching. It’s not a big deal at all. And even if I have a boyfriend to save me just like that, I won’t allow him to do so because it’s not proper to be that selfish. If he wanted to save the girlfriend, it will be nicer if he volunteers himself to take the responsibility, not by pointing at me. We don’t point at people to save ourselves. I am not that perfect though but yes, that’s my value I treasure all this while. (Harap-harap encik itu faham that I was being sarcastic by saying Thank you out loud to the whole class and giving him the sweetest cynical smile of me. Saya tidak anti kamu sebab saya pernah rasa kamu cute dulu tapi saya rasa sedikit annoyed dengan sikap kamu wahai encik. Sila jangan buat ini kepada orang lain sekiranya tidak mahu diumpat seluruh kampus kerana kamu adalah seorang MPP. OK?)

Enough said, we continued with the lesson. The class ended at about 7pm and you know what, we were left with another five topics for teaching speaking. Due to the schedule that all of us agreed before, we are going to start with teaching listening first since we have fully covered throughout the topics but my beloved lecturer; the one with the American accent I used to adore (jika kamu curious untuk tahu tentang dia, klik di sini) changed it as for her, she wanted it to be in sequence of teaching listening and followed by teaching speaking and the circle goes on like that. So my point here is how I am going to prepare for my lesson plan if we have not covered the whole chapter? Does this suppose to mean that I have to read those on my own? (And I am very positive that the answer is yes, and even if I say this out to her, I am quite certain that she will insist me to read on my own, what do I expect from her since I am an adult learner right?) But what is the purpose of finishing it an hour before I present my micro teaching for I have to prepare all the things earlier, what does she expect me to do when she does not finish up with her teaching, it’s like she is leaving me with another half of the syllabus on my own, then I will prepare it on my own, and the very minute before I present is exactly when she is going to finish up the syllabus. Apakah? Can you see that?

One more issue that I would like to point is of the time allocation. It should be thirty minutes initially but she’s cutting it into fifteen minutes, and not to go beyond that. It’s a firm reminder. In speaking, we need interactions and it has a few procedures that you should not neglect as well as the stages that should be included in the activity I am about to carry out, the presentation stage, the practice stage as well as the production stage. So to make it into fifteen minutes from a thirty minutes session is quite ambitious I would say, but still possible to achieve (and even if it is impossible, I have to make it into realization since it is exactly the time that was allocated to me. What choice do I have anyway?) So I conclude that my life is miserable. I don’t bother to mention of my PTE assignment that I have to complete during this hari raya. And I can also conclude that my hari raya will be filled with not only joy (without the baju raya, oh great!) but also with darling assignments. Cruel Monday. Cruel People. Cruel World. Thank you.

Subject does not matter

Melihat akan blog yang telah di 'removed' kan itu (walaupun bukan untuk pertama kalinya) membuatkan saya menggelengkan kepala dan memejamkan mata sambil menarik nafas dalam-dalam. Sungguh tak cool la perasaan ini. Haisyy.

Of This and That

Of this and that would be a mixture of stories that happened to me this week. My life turned upside down. I don’t know why. At times I can be overjoyed with happiness and it can turn the other way round in a blink of eyes. I don’t know why. I went out yesterday and along the way I saw a boy who I think very much like my younger brother, Nami and that made me miss him. I have not gotten the chance to kiss both my brothers the last time I departed home because Wan was sleeping in his room, I don’t want to disturb his beautiful sleep plus he was injured due to an accident, a minor one I would say but the injury would cause such pain I bet, while Nami was away for his tuition class for he will be sitting for his PMR this year. I miss them both. I have had a few YM sessions with my youngest sister so I guess we catch up with each other quite well.

Lately, I am easily disturbed. What I mean here is my emotion. You say it wrong, you get me cry all night long. (Quietly, of course.) I don’t know why. It’s very easy to make me cry. Maybe I should not get envy with people. Maybe I should not get involve in things I am in now. Maybe I should not miss that someone. Maybe I should not cry. Or maybe I should not think too much.

It’s very hard for me to get my girlfriends companion lately as they are just too busy with their boyfriends and some of them are being anti-social, that they do not want to have fun anymore. No more girls-day-out. As for my course mates, I am aware that we are having like a bundle of assignments to complete within this week but come on girls, chill! I am not a kind of person who can stay at home 24/7, and study. That’s very not me. As for my school mates, most of them are either working or doing their internship now, so the chance for us to go out and have a blast during weekdays is very low. I do not have any problem to get my boy friends’ company, (I always think that being a guy is much much easier and simpler that guys can go out any time they want with no worries at all) but I am seriously not in the mood to have a day out with them at the moment, all I want is my girl friends.

Now I do not feel like writing. I thought of going out tomorrow. If I am not able to get my girl friends to accompany me, I will still be going, alone. That’s it, what options do I have anyway? You tell me. As for now, I am going to finish up my baby assignment (credit to Ddiey, I like the way she acknowledges her assignments with the word “baby”) on Macro-counseling, a letter to any theorist that I favor. I have not decided yet on which theory I would opt for but I will let you know once I have decided. I thought of sharing my poems for Apresiasi Sastera that I composed with the help of my darling housemates Rose and Kerie. Thank you for the helpful hands. I will post it some day, insyaAllah. It is hope that I will be able to finish up writing the letter by tonight. Bye.

Bitterness

Hi. It’s been a while since my last post. I am just too busy with this frustrating and hectic life here. There’re a lot of bad things that happened to me lately. I was quite stressed out. But everything will be fine, I am a big big girl now and I am quite flexible, don’t I? Let’s recap what’s happening for the last two weeks. For last two weeks on Tuesday I was having my PTE test. It used to be a test with MCQ plus essay questions [I am basing my point on the past years’ test papers] but my lecturer gave us a-whole-MCQ test so, hooray! But do you know that MCQ tends to overemphasize on particular facts? So it ended up to be not-that-easy test. It’s just that you can guess and circle down the answers without leaving it blank. It’s either just-your-luck or too-bad. That’s all.

Then, the next Wednesday, I was having my MTLS test. This is like the worst part of the week. The moment she stepped in the class, it’s already 830 am which it is exactly the time the test should be started. [oh yes, my lecturer is a SHE, the one that I should say I adore by the first class because of the American accent she’s having where initially I would really like to sound like American but once I have studied about the British accent in my Phonetic and Phonology class and how prestigious it can be, I was like living in the middle of it, I don’t know which should I adopt. I used to have a lecturer last semester who is having like a beautiful British accent; she speaks almost like the broadcasters of BBC, and she’s really enthusiastic that she dedicates her life to the language and she sticks on her schedule closely, which means she is punctual, she starts and ends class on time, I once had been penalized not to sign the attendance sheet because I was five minutes late but it’s OK to me since she made it in a funny way, I was not humiliated. Plus there were like a squad of us late that Friday morning. Hehs. Oh yeah, I was telling about this lecturer and her American accent that I have started to hate because she is such a lousy one. Sorry that I have ever wrote it here. I am just expressing what I felt for you, Dr. Z.] And then she said “In the holy month of Ramadhan, I am giving you an open-book test. This happens during Ramadhan, only Ramadhan. It means that you can refer to your book but not to plagiarize.” “Madam, I didn’t bring along my book.” said one of my friends. Do you know the reply? “Too bad if you don’t have your book with you. You cannot borrow your friends’ book.” katanya bersama nada dan muka yang sangat annoying.

Why didn’t she mention it earlier? Yuyu, Rose and I were about to leave our books at home because it’s a test, there’s no use to bring your book along with you since you cannot do anything with the book practically even if you are having it with you, because it’s a TEST! And I would rather have my beautiful sleep than trying my best to memorize the whole text book, yes the whole book. Did I ever mention it here that reading and memorizing text books are like big pressure to me? I’d rather be given a book full of calculation than stuck with reading subjects. Hell I hate it! Alright, there went the test. After about 25 minutes, she said “Alright, you have another fifteen minutes.” And I was like Oh, she might be misspoken it, it’s the holy month of Ramadhan right? She kept on interrupting us with her voice saying this and that which I think she should not be saying because it’s really annoying; we really need a peaceful place to live in. And there’s a bang in my head when she said “You have exactly five minutes. You should wrap up your point now.” At that moment I have just started working on my second essay and her voice kept buzzing my head when she kept on reminding us every single minute that the test is going to end soon. “You have another one minute left. Finish your last sentence. OK, time’s up!”

I was running out of time, not because of me or my poor time management, but it’s because of her! She let us start ten minutes late and ended it ten minutes earlier! Obviously it was HER fault, not mine. I felt like crying the moment I passed up my paper, seriously. At least she should be telling us earlier that she's going to cut down the time so that we can divide and manage our time accordingly. I really don’t mind if I do not know how to answer the questions because it is my fault that I don’t read the book and end up fail to answer the questions but it really disturbs me when I know the answer, I have all the knowledge I need to answer the questions, but I was not given the time I deserve to answer it. It’s really not fair! The test should be completed within an hour but she’s giving us like forty minutes to complete it. She’s violating our rights. Once the papers were collected, she asked us how’s the test and she said “Oh haven’t I told you that open-book test can be tougher? Though you have all the materials with you, you still will not be getting full marks because you tend to copy everything from the book, hence you will go overtime.” Excuse me! Overtime?! I was making the sourest face the time she spoke this. I was really pissed off!

On the same day, I’ve had my assessment of Meeting class, it was a problem solving where a group of us were given a situation and we have to discuss and provide the solutions to it. It went well except for the fact that my lecturer was not happy with my voice projection. She said that I have spoken too softly and I told her that it is my nature to speak that way, I’ve tried my best [because that was the loudest of me, I hate to speak out loud, it requires me more energy, and I hate people to speak out loud, and shout at me or something] and she said that if I am about to teach at school, only the front line will be able to hear me, and I’ll be losing the rest of class. I told her I’ll try harder [just to make her happy] without letting her know that I’m not going to teach anyway. I was not disappointed with the comment, it's not a big deal, at all. I’m used to it. Since I was in secondary school, it aroused, and this happened to be quite frequent. Luckily she’s satisfied with my language as well as the points I have made.

Then went the weekends. It was OK, just an OK. For this week, I was having my Arabic test on Thursday. Not that bad. And we were told to be having a Career Counseling test on Friday but it was cancelled last minute, oh like always. [if you know what I mean] I was quite angry that I have to delay my journey home just because of the test but then it was cancelled. Alright, it was delayed anyway. Then, I should attend my Apresiasi Sastera on Wednesday [it's not the class I ever dreamt to be in but I have to because the other co curricular subjects were fully occupied, so the nine of us, OK, it's actually most of education faculty students were left with no choice, that we have to join either Debat Bahasa Melayu or Apresiasi Sastera, so the nine of us, six girls and the other three boys joined this Apresiasi Sastera. I thought of joining Families in Islam at the first place.] but since everybody’s not going, the girls I mean, because we will be having our third language test the next day, so I ended up absent too. And we were asked to attend to the class on Saturday too. This made me angry. Real angry. Let me tell you something. It’s my co curricular subject which means it’s not that important plus it’s only a credit hour class but they are making it into two hours each session and yet the lecturer is making it into four hours just because he is so enthusiastic in appreciating the Sastera, the Sastera that does not make any sense to me, I was just wasting my time and he wanted us to appreciate and feel it the same way he did and now he’s making it like it is the agenda of our lives. Excuse me, I have a point to make here. Let me just remind you that I have another seven subjects that equal to nineteen hours to catch up and those need more attention than this ridiculous subject. Nonsense!

And now here comes the hardest part of my life, so far. It’s been three weeks already for this someone I treasure to be missing without a trace. I don’t know why. Why did my life turn miserable all of sudden? In this holy month of Ramadhan? To that someone, if you ever crossed this page, I would like to say I am sorry if I did anything wrong. Really hope to hear from you soon.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Last Monday I realized that there’s a profile on Friendster was created using my details. I was shocked to see that. I have heard of it happened before but I never thought it would ever happen to me. I thought of telling my mother of it but I have decided not to because I don’t want her to get paranoid. I am not a superstar to have such a stalker. If you ever know me, you can easily tell that it’s not me. The way she or he is putting the info in it, the words are very not me. That SyAiRa must be addicted to me, she adores me out of I-don’t-know-why, that she wanted to be me so badly, or maybe she just hated me out of I-don’t-know-why too. It’s not a big deal to me [because sooner or later I will get to know the person, as a Muslim, though not a very good one, I believe in Hari Pembalasan] but of course I do care. That person is using my name, my face, my every thing to get to know people. He or she must be sick. Poor people. The world must be mean to her or him. I pray that she or he will be getting what she or he is searching for in life. If that SyAiRa^LaLaLa^ happens to add you, please ignore, that’s not me. I will be using my old account insyaAllah for the rest of my life.

And one more sad news. I don’t have my baju raya yet. It’s pretty sad you know, seeing your other siblings getting their budget on it and you are left with nothing. Now I am staring at the computer and the ceiling blankly. So here I am, having nothing in life. No money, no perfect match, no best friend, definitely nothing at all. I am a complete loser now. B.I.T.T.E.R.N.E.S.S. That's the word.