Name-Calling

It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.

This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )

I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.

Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)

To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?

I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)

[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]

Update

Hi everyone. I had just realized that I did not post anything on February. February should be filled with love all over the world, too bad that I had missed the month. Someone should take the blame for not making me feel loved. [My Perfect Match, I wish you read this one *mengade~*] Hehs. I am super busy this semester, of the assignments of course. So I am going to sum up a few things of my interest.

1. I am turning 23 soon. Very soon. Welcome me adulthood!
2. Another item in my wishlist is checked now. Yeay!
3. I had stopped driving since five years ago and still not driving so the idea of seeing me driving to class is ridiculous OK? And I didn't own a car. And sugar daddy too! You crazy story-mongers, don't be silly. And my bestfriend's name is neither Farah nor Linda. I can't even recall having close friends named as mentioned. Haisy.
4. I hate copycats. By all means.
5. I am suffering from severe coughing and sore throat, fever and flu. I've lost my voice. And tomorrow I am going to have a reading test of my third language class and so, I am worried now. How am I going to survive?
6. I have learnt that teachers really give deep impacts on students by all means; say it of self-esteem, motivation, etc. It's of my own experience being in both condition; having lecturers who are very supportive when you are giving your opinion over things as well as having lecturers who downgrade you though you have been putting tremendous effort on your work. It's so devastating to have such lecturers. To me, a lecturer should be the most supportive creature in the world. That makes me even scared of being a teacher, realizing the fact that the impact I might be giving to my students if I somehow fail to be a great role-model to them. Now I have decreased my interest to 20% [if you could grasp my hidden meaning.]
7. I don't feel at home when I was at home last weekend. Everything's changing, for betterment of course, but somehow, I was not as comfortable as I was before. Am I not resilient?
8. I have learnt my lesson of not to go against the rules as it really brings bad impacts towards me and people around me. I regret myself for doing so. And I swear not to repeat the same mistake over again.
9. I have started to feel annoyed of my public speaking class as it is irrelevant for me in the sense that the amount of works that I have to accomplish every week, of the amount of hours that I have to spend for the class [she's making it into two classes a week which equals to four hours but the fact that the course is actually a one-credit-hour course only. Got it everyone?] as well as the relevance of each task given. I don't want you to think that I am complaining out of nothing and please do not hesitate to ask for living proof.

OK, I am out of control. I should get ready to go to my public speaking class [it was meant for my co-curricular activities and I realized that I am not lucky in choosing the course. I always be in classes where everything is not enjoyable as it sounds and as it should.] And so, I have got to go by now. My next entry might be a long entry. Considering the fact that I am a left-brained person, playing with words is my favourite [though it is not my expertise. and maybe that is why I always mess things up *rolling eyes*] Bye-bye, people.

OK, tiba-tiba rasa nak tambah list lah. Sambung balik.

1. I noticed that for the more I wish for something, the further it goes away from me. And most of my wishes did not come true. Malang kan? Maybe I should stop wishing for the things that I want. Maybe I should just go with the flow. And maybe I should be heartless too. Left-brainer kan tidak emosional. Kan?
2. Some say I am revengeful. Well, maybe I am.
3. It's good to be noticed in class. I do agree with you, Moq A. It feels so good if the lecturers remember your name. And the good side of you, for sure. It's a proof that they are aware of your existence in this world. [bunyi macam loser yang hunger for attention pula. oh.]
4. I am revealing the other side of me here. The darker side that I wish I could display.
5. Perhaps I should eat so many lemons because I am so bitter.

It's 4.30 a.m. and I have early morning class tomorrow. I wish I would be able to wake up and make it to class. Dan harap-harap saya akan berjaya mewarnakan kasut dengan cantik dan jayanya, amin *prayhard*

Blurry

All I can conclude about my life now can be sung through this song called blurry. (I think.) Let’s sing it together kawan-kawan! *serabut*

Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someoneYou could be my sceneYou know that I'll protect youFrom all of the obsceneI wonder what you're doingImagine where you areThere's oceans in between usBut that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my faceEveryone is changing There's no one left that's real So make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel 'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someone You could be my scene Know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well, you shoved it in my faceThis pain you gave to meOh,Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run awayNobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to me Can you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meNOOOOOO!This pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayTake it all awayThis pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayThis pain you gave to me

Oh wait! part of me says this song could describe the problem I am dealing now. Let's sing it along! *stress*

I think I've already lost youI think you're already goneI think I'm finally scared nowYou think I'm weak - but I think you're wrongI think you're already leavingFeels like your hand is on the doorI thought this place was an empireBut now I'm relaxed - I can't be sureI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I think too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI bet you're hard to get overI bet the room just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mindI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I talk too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

hehs. saiko kan? I have a lot of things to share but as usual, I always have moral qualms of sharing things that I consider myself improper or too private because if I were to share, people might have different views of me than what they used to have before they know what am I keeping, plus the secret I am keeping won't be a secret anymore and people will start talking of it and I am afraid I can't bear to live with it. OK, now I am behaving like a DIVA. I am a nobody anyway. Too bad that I have to care of what others think of me. So typical.

For the time being, the GOAL is really torturing me. Everybody in the class was talking about it. All lecturers were too, talking about the goal and the mission and vision in life, that kind of thing. (By the way, I am now at least being able to define and differentiate between those two words; mission and vision. At least I am not a complete loser by that mean. Well, at least when somebody asks me of the terms, I can provide a definite answer. That was part of my learning in Curriculum and Instruction. Credit to Dr. Burn for being really helpful. I like him.) And at least by now, everybody had seen their own paths, of what they want to do in life, who they are going to end up be, in fact some of them had known with whom they are going to be with for the rest of their life, except ME. Though it’s just a planning, everybody else seems to be very sure of their future, while I am lost and left behind. I am really tortured when I wake up every morning to know that I have no goal in life, that I always have to bear in mind that I ought to have a goal, go find at least one significant goal to be achieved then my life would be meaningful because sometimes I do feel that my life has no meaning. I go to classes every day but so little thing that I learn. I mean I am fine with the hidden curriculum, all the moral values that the lecturers were trying to instill were absorbed by me quite well but of the real curriculum that I have to master, I am quite lost. It’s not that I know nothing but I can’t relate things with my learning. I can’t see what’s the relevance of a few courses that I attend are meaning for. See, now I complicate things, like always.

You know what, I feel like giving up what I am doing now. Seriously. Those are so not me. I don't feel alive. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Almost there. I'd lost interest over things. I don't do things that I always do anymore. I didn’t blog for quite a while. Not because I am busy with school but it’s simply because I don’t feel like to. I left all my assignments, untouched. And the datelines are coming, very soon. I simply lost interest in life. I don’t go out, I don’t catch-up with people, I’ve stopped chatting, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio, I rarely surf the net. All I did was either staring blankly at the ceiling or lying on the bed. Hey, I did not jog too! That's really bad, OK. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should go get a life. Well, maybe I should just move on, and start all over again.

I Am Not Crazy

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since my last visit to the blog. The last time I wrote in here, I was suicidal. Hehs. Now I am ashamed of it. *blush* Let’s not talk about it anymore. Now is the time for me to make a summarization over things. Mind you people, this is going to be a long entry. I am glad that 2008 is now over. It’s been the worst year ever. 2009 comes together with my hopes that are too many to mention here but basically I am wishing for again, miracles to happen and the whole thing to go in my way. That’s it all.

By the way, I was having fun last week. There were two separate occasions that made me feel alive. One is a secret that I could not tell. The other one is of course of the outings with the darling girl friends. I have decided to spend two days exploring Malacca. So the first day I went to the malls at the heart of the city and went to the ‘Eye On Malaysia, Melaka’ at night. I was filled with fruitful excitement till I cried in my heart. You may understand why I was feeling that way if you know how hard I’ve tried and how long I’ve been waiting to be there. It is included as one of my wish list. (I have this “25-Things-To-Do-Before-I-Reach-25” list and now “Eye On Malaysia” is checked. Thank God.) I actually had been waiting for the moment since last year but nobody wants to accompany me when it was operating at Titiwangsa. And over the time I realized that everybody had gone there with their love ones, and I was left behind. That’s so sad. So the moment I step on the ground where it is located, I was in heaven. I feel that way. Seriously. And the next day I went to the malls again and spent the night sight seeing 'The Jonker Walk' and the city at night. Here are some photos to be shared.

OK, I am now facing a problem regarding my sociolinguistic class. Last week my lecturer asked the whole class to create a postcard-sized ID consisting of the name, address, phone number, the GPA and CGPA, and also the goals, just to get to know the students better, said the lecturer. I do think that it's a good idea that I might be applying too if I happen to teach in the future. I was quite excited to create the ID card but to think of the goal again make me want to vomit. What? Goal? I am dead. I’d left all the goals behind, remember? That now I am planning to just go with the flow without having to worry of any goal to be reached. I am stuck with that thing up to this very moment and tomorrow morning I am supposed to hand that thing in. What should I put in that ‘goals’ column? Should I write “I am giving myself a chance to find my one until I reach thirty. If I don’t get married by thirty years old, I am not going to marry at all. I will be adopting a baby girl that will be named with a beautiful name like Marissa Sofea, and will be raising her up alone because I’d just realized that babies give me tranquility. The last time I was depressed, my little cousin Alya had been the remedy. (I attached the video at the bottom of this post just in case you are interested in having a look at it.) Then maybe I will pursue my second degree in the field that I am into all these while, I don’t mind if I will not pass with flying colors because my Science subjects are rusty, but as long as I have the chance to be in that line, I will be grateful enough. Or maybe I should have a master in management or tourism so that I can travel around the world. (Is that possible? To jump from a line that has got nothing to do with tourism at all?) My next goal is to own a Mercedes. I wish I could pay back my loan in five years time instead of fifteen years as scheduled so I could devote my salary for that Mercedes before I die, or else I will die with a lot of regrets within me, not getting married, not having my own Mercedes and so on and end up being a loser for my whole life. Oh no! But I don’t think I could make it in five years, considering the fact that I will be making only 2K in a month as a fresh graduate and quarter of it will go to my parents since I am spending their money, a lot of it, plus I am the eldest of four. I have a huge responsibility of everything. Then RM200 will have to be spent on the loan. I might want to save a small portion of my salary too for future use (if and only if I have a future.) as well for my other expenses like food and utility bills. And the list goes on and on.” Should I? Of course it’s a NO. Haisy. What should I be putting in? Think Syahirah, think!

One more thing that I’ve just realized of myself is that I am now being super sensitive towards things. Of what you say to me, of what you do, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, etc. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget too. Initially I thought of being heartless that I would not care of those things but now I am becoming the old, super sensitive me. Every little thing counts now. This drags to the change in my mood. My mood swings more often now. Haisy. I am also being able to tolerate with some shades of blue color now. In fact, I bought myself a blue scarf yesterday. I wonder why I am behaving like this. Is it a sign of adulthood? At this moment, I have a thought of being quiet again because I think people lost respect over the talkative me. (That's what my father taught my mother since she's a talkative too.) Plus I might bore them to death too. Maybe I should keep my distant. Perhaps I should be asking myself “Why on earth would they be interested in knowing this?” everytime I have things to tell so that will keep my mouth shut. In my research method class, it says that everyone has opinions. So I think there’s nothing wrong to share your opinion but for me, I am going to share it here, so that I won’t bother other people who are not interested in the business I am into. I will start being quiet by tomorrow. And be more optimistic. Hopefully.

I am off to see the wizard. Off to La-La Land.

Oh saya sungguh rasa nak mati. Serious shit tak tipu.

Thank you to Taufiq for that “Laskar Pelangi”. It helped. Ikan saya dah mati. Memang.
Thank you to Dr Inas and Dr Qish. Thank you for the prescriptions.
Thank you to Aiman for the support and understanding. Man, aku nak ikut kau pergi Turki. Aku pun nak pergi. Bawa hati. Macam kau.
Thank you to Andres for always being there for me, though I am mean to you, at almost all occasion. You’re the only one blessed with the highest capacity to tolerate the dark side of me. Thank you so much. I am touched.
To the girls, thank you so much too to help me through.
To kawan-kawan virtual macam nasapollo,amknight,bimbo,choki (put your name here, I mean it, I am too dizzy to make a list now. Sorry.) terima kasih juga. Kamu sangat baik. I am blessed to have a circle of friends that truly care. Thank you.

Sumpah. I never thought that things like this really happen. For God’s sake! I always wonder “Eh, eh, cerita macam ni pun diorang buat. Agaknya terjadi for real tak?” But now, it’s happening to me! Yes, me! ME! Syahirah. Game over kawan-kawan. It’s official. I am a complete loser. Damn it! I think I should talk of it, but nothing much I can say here. Takut-takut nanti kawan-kawan semua pun nak ikut saya mati bersama. Mungkin benar kata Encik F, I should go for a Rational-Emotive-Behavioral-Therapy session. Oh I could not take it. I thought I am strong but I am totally wrong. For that I am off. To see the wizard. Off to La-La Land. Of mine, my very one of a kind. Take care everyone. Wish me a peace of mind.

Tag and My "oh-so-beautiful" Life

I was tagged by Beedadary, a coursemate of mine. The name is very rare. And unique too. And she's beautiful, I remind you.

1) Do you think you're hot?

Hot as in? Be it hot-tempered then it’s quite a yes for nowadays. Be it hot as in body temperature then it’s a yes too. (Hold on to my hands for living proof.)

2) Upload your favourite picture of you.

3) Why do you like that picture?
Because it symbolizes the best thing that we can do with our lips as it shows. Ouww. But my most-favorite picture would be my display image at the profile because that was me back then, when I have not put on my make-ups, (Hey, no lipsticks and no foundation. No gothic-look like what I used to put on now. And no pimples too. Yes. None at all.) I didn’t know how to paint my nails, (and didn’t even bother to get them painted once I was having my menstrual of course) and I have not gotten my hair colored yet that time. So it was the purest of me. Cuba compare dengan gambar yang di bawah ni. Ibu-ibu mesti beristighfar bila tengok. (highlight : warna pada kuku.) Oh.

4) When was the last time you ate pizza?
Pizza. Pizza. Now I am craving for it. You should take the blame for matter’s arising. Hehs. Last time when we went out to KLCC during the examination if I am not mistaken. Why?

5) The last song you listened to?
Hate Me by Blue October.

6) What are you doing right now besides this?
I am having this tiny lil voice inside of my head. And it’s torturing me. And I was forced to listen to it. And so, I am listening.

7) What name would you prefer besides yours?
Sofea, my darling fish. (She’s living in my Friendster profile anyway, virtually of course.) Marissa. (My friends from third language class call me with that name. I've told them so many times that that's not my name, that my name is Syahirah but they keep calling me with that name for a reason. And I think I like it. The name is beautiful.) And J!Ll too. (That’s a special name to me.)

People I tag:
1. Kak Jamie
2. Qasiyh
3. Shirley
4. Linziana
5. Athirah

8) Who is number 1?
Kakak angkat saya di sekolah menengah dahulu. Beliau sangat ceria dan baik hati. Selalu bagi saya kad-kad yang sweet, makanan dan dedication juga. Hiks. A cheerful sister who made me laugh of everything, blessed with a loving husband I suppose and soon to be a mother. Will make a young-hot-lovely momma, surely.

9) Number 3 is having a relationship with?
Oh-Ow, I have no idea but surely she’s in one. She’s gorgeous I tell you. My schoolmate back in secondary school. Lama tak jumpa ni but when we were in the final year of school, she was madly in-love with this Muslim boy and I was once believed that she’s going to convert and marry him. Hehs. Akhirnya Evertonia yang convert. *OK,iamoutofcontrol.thememories.it’sallcomingbacktome.nowimisseverybodyinschool*

10) Say something about number 5.
The junior next door back in MOZAC as well as my University-mate. Another shopaholic. And a darling girl too.

11) How about number 4?
Again my ex-schoolmate in MOZAC. Trademark beliau adalah gelaknya yang unik. A shopaholic too. Tidak boleh dipisahkan dengan Marseli. Ada gossip dengan encik F juga. Hehs. (Opss,did I say it out loud?)

12) Who is number 2?
My junior back in secondary school whom I adore for loudness and look. And the honesty too. You rock, girl!

OK, I am tagging the people from my past because I am missing them all. I was peeping through a few blogs of the people I was with during my school years and here I got to see my cousin's blog with his lover. Ahha, Gotcha! But it was set to private. I wish they will get married soon because they've been together since forever and I just can't wait to see them together. (Sorry if the blog is supposed to be a secret. Don't worry, I am not going to tell. Count on me! *giggles*)

Right, all the people are having such beautiful life and I can't help myself from feeling a little bit like a loser. You know, the feeling you get when you have absolutely nothing at all in life, when you reach nowhere better, you have nothing better, while others are so happy with their lovely spouse, some are getting children, some are engaged, some are getting married, most of them are working with big companies and I believe complimented with handsome amount of salary and they are all having blast with their perfect life while here I am, having nothing. Maybe I should learn how to be grateful again as some say I should. I can't help myself to envy those with love surrounds them, especially those who are engaging themselves in serious relationship. No, I am not up for marriage by now. Marriage is never a play thing, it's not a try-and-error game. No No No. I am just longing for the feeling of secure, to wake up in the morning and know by heart that there is someone by my side for good and for bad. Someone that I can turn to. Someone that I can rely on. Someone who will never get bored of knowing me, loving me, and being with me. Someone resistant, the one with the highest capasity to tolerate with my ever-changing moods, with the spoiled me. Someone who will make me as the priority over everything else. Oh I am so carried away with the illusion of perfect life I am imagining myself having. I don't know what I really want in life actually. Suddenly I am lost. No, I mean I know what I am wanting for, it's just that I think I am not going to be able to have it anyway. Maybe I am too demanding. Maybe I am expecting too much. OK, now I complicate things. Maybe I should stop reading the stupid novels. Maybe I should stop writing. Maybe I should really learn how to be grateful. Maybe I should just stop looking at people. But anyway, I am very happy to know that everybody is leading such a good life. Except me. Chill.

[note : I am happy to announce that my ex-bestfriend is getting married next week. (Yet another person I envy.) We are now good friends, of course, just not that close anymore. My class will start on December 30th, and she will be married a day before. I don't know whether to go or not to go. Boo me for being indecisive. So friends, should I go or should not?]

Of A Dream

I’ve got a pang of terror this morning. I’ve got a dream. A bad dream I must say. (Dream here again refers to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep.) Do you know what I dreamed of? It’s my biggest fear of all currently; my examination result. Here’s the description.

I was queuing up in a long line, waiting for my name to be called. (It’s like what you were having at school assembly when you were waiting to be called upon your great achievement in sports or academic field.) I’ve waited long enough to know that my name was the second-last person to be called. That time I was wishing that my parents would have had a glance over me and be proud that my name was called and I was on stage but I could not catch a trace of them at all. It’s OK I thought because I still can impress them with what I am getting. Once I was called, an enveloped was handed to me and I opened it with spasm of hope to be getting good news. I can’t help myself when the slip says I get 3.2 in the exam. No way! I should be getting more, at least a 3.3 and above. And so I was running back to the hostel; obviously it’s the girls’ hostel back in my secondary school when I bumped into Tehah my classmate now and knowing that she gets the dean’s list has made me cry. (To Tehah, if you ever cross this page, congratulations in advance.) I was meaning to meet Amalina to get to know her result, (We have had a deal earlier in real life of things) but she was at no sight. So I went straightaway to the “Prefect Room” and met Hannan there just to know that she's got the dean’s list too and she was organizing a quick party to celebrate with the colleagues with the dean’s list. (You see I have a total mixed-up of people whom I know of my school days and of present time in this dream.) During my high school years, Hannan used to be my closest friend whom I am comfortable to share most of my things with and she's the only person who knows most of my secret besides my best friend, of course. (who is now an ex-best friend to me *sigh*) And of course we exchanged secrets to be fair. Hehs. Since Hannan was just too busy with the preparation, I headed towards the bathroom and cried out loud. (Oh that’s very me. I would always cry in the bathroom or under the blanket. Though I am a big girl now. Shame on me.) While I was crying I was hoping that this is just a dream. It’s only December 12, not December 17 in which the date the result should be announced. We cannot have like a week earlier of announcement. It cannot be happening. You know what; I have a deal with this someone that I am going to get a treat if I make the dean’s list in this dream as well as in real life. I was absorbed with my own thought of how to break the news to that person, whether to cheat by using Amalina’s slip (Mind you people, Amalina is a top-scorer all the way, that we always be joking on me copying her result and claiming it’s mine to get the treat and I will be buying her sorvenirs in return. Hehs. But honestly I don’t think I will be doing that, ever in my life. I cannot bear to live in guilt for cheating just for the sake of getting the treat. Noble, huh? ) or to come clean. And I have decided in the dream to come clean anyway. Great because I have a few other things to sort out, I don’t want to fuck things up and get my life even complicated, if you know what I mean. And there my dream stops.

I wake up and feel a thud of sadness within me. I do still remember of this feeling. It’s the same kind I was having when I got to know my PMR result. I was building so much hope to get straight A’s but I was failed. Geography was really not my thing. (To even mention the word "Geograpy" here is killing me.) In fact it really is not, up to this moment. I am a dumb ass when dealing with Geography. Don’t blame me for that, I’ve put my 101 percent on it but still I ended up getting a B. Maybe it’s just not my luck. I still remember how my parents were trying so hard to cheer me up. They brought me to Mahkota Parade (just because I love to be there, though they hate to be there.) together with my best friend, oh, my so-called best friend (she got straight A’s of course, she’s fucking genius!) and we went to watch movie, we had dinner, a special one, altogether. But on our way back, I could not help myself, I was crying in silent (thank God it was dark at night) to see that Equatorial Hotel where my friends with straight A’s were supposed to be treated. It’s not that I cannot afford a hi-tea there but it’s all different when you get treated. The appreciation is all I am wanting for. And now I was having this bad dream. No, not again! I do not want to experience the pain all over again! Oh, please not.

I thought of telling my mother of this for the sake of getting approval, just in case it turns out to be true that that’s exactly the real thing that will be happening, but I have a tinge of doubt and the hesitation I am having is quite enough to stop myself from telling. Speaking of my mother, she is very dynamic where I hardly can predict her. Or maybe we can assume her as unpredictable. (Everybody that I happen to know is dynamic, except me. I am the only one who seem to be alienated. Static, that's what a person who is significant to me acknowleged me once. Oh, I am such a poor thing.) There are times when I am speaking to her to get her approval, (I’d rather term it into “speaking” than “confronting” because confrontation will always bring me to failure, I simply could not stand the pressure.) expecting her to tranquil me, there she is, nagging me in return and when I expect her to be mad, get angry with me, it happens the other way around. That’s my mother. But despite all, she’s made a very good mother. And she still is. So does my father, he’s a very good father as the matter of fact. It’s just that I have lack interaction with him since he does not speak too much, which I wish he does.

Since I am failing to find a single person to confide in, so here I am, blogging, telling all of you of my dream. My bad dream. You know I am obsessed with my dreams, don’t you? Earlier this week I’ve got dreams-come-true on a few things like my cousin Huda was telling me that my cousin Faisal is making me as his top friend in Friendster (maybe he has no intention of making me the top friend, it’s maybe just the stupid Friendster has got confused and set everything up) and my friend at school, Naa does add me in Facebook and both of them are definitely true. They are happening for real! I didn’t know why I was having such dreams. Not just ordinary dreams but dreams-come-true type of dreams. Maybe I was a bit stressed out. I was having such tough times lately. The little quarrel with the siblings. (I am at success of bringing it on up to today, I was putting this don’t-you-ever-dare-to-argue-with-me face on, all day and I was not speaking to both of them, the little sister and the little brother.) With the things which I considered resolved suddenly become unresolved again. (Have you ever been at one point where you are certain about things, important things of course, in your life like you have decided that you wanted to do this, you wanted to be that, you would end up being with this particular person but suddenly it changed all of sudden due to a few things that happened to you where you feel like “I have had enough of this” that now you are being completely unsure of those things that you are about 99 percent sure of before?) And a lot more things. My life is a total mess. I fucked things up.

I had been told once that I need to have a goal in life. And so I build up my goal. I’ve reviewed my goal with a few friends that I’d trusted for life but they said I must lower down my expectations since I am having high expectations on life. I can’t expect things to go on my way all the time which I am expecting it to be like for the whole time of my life and once the thing falls out its way, I am the one who will be suffering of frustration by not getting it the way I wanted. So maybe at this point I have to rethink and do amendments of the goal that I should have in my life. Or maybe I should not have a goal, I should just go with the flow like I used to live my life once, two years back to be precise, with having nothing to worry about, with having no one to impress, no set-up marks or grades or pointers or whatever-they-term-it to be achieved, and just follow where life might bring me to and pretend like it’s fine, I’m trying not to make it a huge deal, to make myself smile brightly and just to show that I am fine being myself, quite myself I would say, enjoying my life to the max, and not to care what other people might perceive me as whether it’s I am not struggling too much, or I am just a lazy bum, or I am just a stupid girl who gets her hair colored with no brain, or anything. (You just put it in a list, help yourself, please.) I don’t really care, I don't even bother back then. What you think is your business, not mine. I don't give a damn.

Oh that dream gave a big impact on me considering it might be my worst result in my tract record so far if it happens to be true. And I will be living my life with horror for the remaining five days till the result is announced. Haisyy. Ribena, anyone?