Blurry

All I can conclude about my life now can be sung through this song called blurry. (I think.) Let’s sing it together kawan-kawan! *serabut*

Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someoneYou could be my sceneYou know that I'll protect youFrom all of the obsceneI wonder what you're doingImagine where you areThere's oceans in between usBut that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my faceEveryone is changing There's no one left that's real So make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel 'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someone You could be my scene Know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well, you shoved it in my faceThis pain you gave to meOh,Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run awayNobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to me Can you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meNOOOOOO!This pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayTake it all awayThis pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayThis pain you gave to me

Oh wait! part of me says this song could describe the problem I am dealing now. Let's sing it along! *stress*

I think I've already lost youI think you're already goneI think I'm finally scared nowYou think I'm weak - but I think you're wrongI think you're already leavingFeels like your hand is on the doorI thought this place was an empireBut now I'm relaxed - I can't be sureI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I think too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI bet you're hard to get overI bet the room just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mindI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I talk too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

hehs. saiko kan? I have a lot of things to share but as usual, I always have moral qualms of sharing things that I consider myself improper or too private because if I were to share, people might have different views of me than what they used to have before they know what am I keeping, plus the secret I am keeping won't be a secret anymore and people will start talking of it and I am afraid I can't bear to live with it. OK, now I am behaving like a DIVA. I am a nobody anyway. Too bad that I have to care of what others think of me. So typical.

For the time being, the GOAL is really torturing me. Everybody in the class was talking about it. All lecturers were too, talking about the goal and the mission and vision in life, that kind of thing. (By the way, I am now at least being able to define and differentiate between those two words; mission and vision. At least I am not a complete loser by that mean. Well, at least when somebody asks me of the terms, I can provide a definite answer. That was part of my learning in Curriculum and Instruction. Credit to Dr. Burn for being really helpful. I like him.) And at least by now, everybody had seen their own paths, of what they want to do in life, who they are going to end up be, in fact some of them had known with whom they are going to be with for the rest of their life, except ME. Though it’s just a planning, everybody else seems to be very sure of their future, while I am lost and left behind. I am really tortured when I wake up every morning to know that I have no goal in life, that I always have to bear in mind that I ought to have a goal, go find at least one significant goal to be achieved then my life would be meaningful because sometimes I do feel that my life has no meaning. I go to classes every day but so little thing that I learn. I mean I am fine with the hidden curriculum, all the moral values that the lecturers were trying to instill were absorbed by me quite well but of the real curriculum that I have to master, I am quite lost. It’s not that I know nothing but I can’t relate things with my learning. I can’t see what’s the relevance of a few courses that I attend are meaning for. See, now I complicate things, like always.

You know what, I feel like giving up what I am doing now. Seriously. Those are so not me. I don't feel alive. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Almost there. I'd lost interest over things. I don't do things that I always do anymore. I didn’t blog for quite a while. Not because I am busy with school but it’s simply because I don’t feel like to. I left all my assignments, untouched. And the datelines are coming, very soon. I simply lost interest in life. I don’t go out, I don’t catch-up with people, I’ve stopped chatting, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio, I rarely surf the net. All I did was either staring blankly at the ceiling or lying on the bed. Hey, I did not jog too! That's really bad, OK. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should go get a life. Well, maybe I should just move on, and start all over again.

F.O.R.E.V.E.R, is there such thing?

As I flip through my old-little-green-diary that I wrote back in Kuantan when I was doing my pre-degree, (it's a writing project where my writing lecturer did ask all of us to write up a diary where when it comes to the finale, it will be collected and we will be graded based on the writings of those diaries, she called it journal and we will be gaining 20% of our marks from it but unfortunately, she did not collect it, she don't even have a look at it. There were only two or three times in the classroom that she asked for a volunteer to read up the diary and I did volunteer myself once. I was annoyed at first because I've put such a lot of efforts to write such a diary. I never kept a diary before. A well-organized one, I mean. But somehow, I am thankful to her, because I have started to build and develop a good writing habit from there. Thank you, Madam B!). then I saw one of the lyrics in the lyrics section. I have a few sections within the diary; the life that I am engaging with, the people, the future as well as the lyrics for thought, a little bit of this and that, and what not. I guess it's not something new to be shared. It's the "Only Hope" song by Mandy Moore from A Walk To Remember.

::There's a song that's inside of my soul::It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again::I'm awake in the infinite cold::But you sing to me over and over and over again::So I lay my head back down::And I lift my hands::And pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I know now you're my only hope::Sing to me the song of the stars::Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again::When it feels like my dreams are so far::Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again::So I lay my head back down::And I lift my hands::And pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I know now you're my only hope::I give you my destiny::I'm giving you all of me::I want your symphony::Singing in all that I am::At the top of my lungs::I'm giving it back::So I lay my head back down::And I lift my hands::And pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I know now you're my only hope::

S.W.E.E.T. isn't it? I still would cry myself everytime I watch the movie, though it's been like a hundred times I've been watching it. The same thing goes when I watch 50 First Dates. Is there such thing? I mean does that "I'll love you, forever" really exist? We know forevers come and gone. At least I notice. Nothing could last forever, I suppose. Or am I too realistic? I leave you with the thoughts.

[note: Another song that I keep on repeating and listening to for the last 24hours until now is "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.

• It makes me feel happy inside.
• It makes me feel loved.
• It makes me feel so right.

I feel like lari-lari, golek-golek tengah padang, just like when I listen to "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Ritcher. Pretty cool, it is :) ]