Bitter-Sweet Memories (Part 1)

12 weeks was not that long, as most people say. That was the total time allocated to me for my practicum, and I think it's long enough for me (I believe you know the reason why. It's not my passion to teach.) and I am deeply grateful that I survived with minor injuries (emotionally abused due to a few unwanted occasions. Hehs.) During that period, I was expected to carry the duty of a real teacher. I was given a rumah sukan (yellow--temenggung), I've become the guru penasihat for Taekwando (hahaha. shut up.) I was appointed to become guru penasihat for Kelab Seni Kreatif (impressive eh) as well as the guru penasihat for Ping Pong Club. I was assigned to the afternoon session; so hooray, God blessed me! I am never a morning person. I thought I didn't have to wake up early in the morning but I was wrong since I had to come to school early everyday as I was honored to train the choral speakers. And yes, I also had to come at 8.00a.m every Tuesday for sports' practice. I was given 10 periods of teaching per week and 4 to 5 periods for relief classes, everyday. (pembuli sungguh T__T) One period equals to 35 minutes. I was at school from 7a.m to 7p.m  on the first day of the orientation week (due to misunderstanding of the school and the faculty, they didn't let us know that we're assigned to the afternoon session and so we had to stay back until the school ends that day, and for the very first day, I was given 5 relief classes and I was lost. And my first week of entering relief classes was suck. Really. I don't want to go into detail for that. So basically, during that 12 weeks of time, my life was dedicated to school. (Oh I sounded too dedicated. *PUKE*)

So for this entry, I'd like to share some of my bitter-sweet moments in school. I hope this post will inspire those who would go to school for practicum and will refresh the memories to those who had been in school as a trainee teacher. Things that I've experienced were not that bad, anyway. You can have so much fun with your students. Try to get along with them and be part of them, you're going to get their trust and blend in, believe me.

I was assigned to two different classes; one of a class which consists of very advanced students, and another one is of mixed ability students. People say it'd be easier teaching advanced students but I think both advanced and intermediate offer their own challenges. I would say I am not that advanced user of English Language, I would rather rank myself in the middle stage where as English is not my everyday language; it's still a second language to me. I mean I don't speak English at home, I rarely converse in English with my friends outside the faculty (or should I say class?) though we have tried it trillion times and the attempts were at success for ten minutes, the most, and the only time I use English is when interacting in blog and facebook (other than in class, during presentation, with lecturers.) So, when I had a class of advanced students, it's sort of a torture to me, considering that they are all competent and fluent (they would rather use "conspicuous" than "obvious" in their everyday conversation for instance. There's nothing wrong with it, I swear. But can't you see where they are at and they're only thirteen?) and rich (this maybe a bit off topic since it's not applied to my students but there are form one students who come to school carrying an original LV I tell you for God's sake. I know I should not bother that but I can't help myself. The principal too, had warned us the trainee to be careful with our words, our instructions and all that as she didn't want us to get into trouble when it comes to dealing with the rich parents.The thought was bothering me all the time.) which had made me feel tiny and a bit inferior. I am big small at heart. I infact lost my competency during the first few weeks due to my lack of confidence (and preparations. My bad.) Other than that, I had no problem with them, (except for one student who purposely neglected the tasks I'd assigned and she had a hard time when I had to collect their books for the principal to check.) they were in control, they were very cooperative (this includes the "acting" session when my lecturer came in for his observations. I should thank them for that.)

For my mixed class (I would rather term them as intermediate) I had different problem. I had students with good command of English as well as students who failed miserably in their UPSR. And I even had students from remove class; they're quite a number which I only got to know when the first few weeks had past which made me feel so bad for not knowing at the very first place. (And oh I forgot to mention that I taught only form one classes since the school were lacking in lower-forms teachers.) So everytime I enter the class, I'll have students who stare blankly at me while I am speaking. There was one time, a few female students asked me "Cikgu, Cikgu ni orang apa?" and I was shocked to get that curious look and weird question at the same time. "Cikgu ni orang putih eh?", they asked me again, curiously. I asked them why and guess what they said? "Yelah, Cikgu cakap Bahasa Inggeris, ingatkan Cikgu ni orang putih. Kenapa Cikgu ni asyik cakap Bahasa Inggeris je?" Can you imagine that? And during my first week entering the class, I got chinese students speaking Mandarin to me (There were only seven Malays in that class over 36 students. And I still had students speaking chinese to me, just to piss me off throughout the 12 weeks. Never did I take it too serious as I view them as immature little brothers and sisters though sometimes I feel like speaking Arabic to them just to make them feel how I feel but that would be too bad; for bullying the kids. I would feel bad for that. Out of it, I've learnt several phrases in Mandarin. Cool, isn't it?) I was so worried that that class has a huge gap in proficiency level. Therefore, I had to go for intermediate tasks and extra attention were given to those weak students. I had to translate back in Malay, for the Malays, and asked the good ones to help me translate the task in Mandarin, for the Chinese. And the instruction would always be written on the whiteboard too. But still I have to bear with the fact that there will always be questions like "Teacher, what to do?" or "Teacher, need to copy eh?" or "Teacher, need to pass up today?" and the most favorite question which is "Teacher, what book?" (this question seemed to be a curse, not only to me, but to all my friends who did their practicum in other schools as well. It never fails to depress me.) though I had stated clearly "BOOK 3", "Topic: Present Tense", "Task 1: Copy down the passage in your Book 3 and fill in the blanks with the words given in the box" I also draw the box with Present Tense words in it followed by the passage. And don't be surprise that there were students who asked " Teacher, what box?" And there were also students who passed up the wrong book and you got everything all mixed up together in the wrong book. Worse, some would just copy everything without knowing what to do and when I asked they said they're done, and when they passed up, I got only a beautifully written pasage without the answer, and some didn't even bother to pass up. So I had to go observe everyone in the class, whether they're doing right or not. And it is so very crucial to repeat your instructions over and over again (or in other words to repeat back everything) just so they remember and stay in track. And sometimes you might need to refine and simplify the instructions and tasks and go step-by-step of everything with them. I wonder why is it really difficult for kids nowadays to follow orders from teacher. Unlike my fellow muzaffarians and I, we were obidient, we really listened to teachers. (eceh. But seriously, we did. Nakal-nakal sikit tu adalah but still we're in control and we know the limit. Students nowadays are totally different. Especially the upper form students. Bukanlah semua but most of them are. I am writing based on my observation.) So everytime I had hard times with my students, be it students from my classes as well as students of the relief classes, I would always try to recall back whether or not I had behaved in such manner to my teachers back in school and I believe (as far as I am concerned, second by the boifren as well :P ) I did not. So I always say to myself "This is not KARMA. I was not that bad in school. This is just a test from God" to enable me to breath in and out again :P 

The good thing to have facebook nowadays is that you could get to know your students and their social activities and backrounds. And they get to know you better too. Generally, I allow my students to be friend with me in that social network and I keep only one account as I want them to treat me as their friends, so there will be no big gap between us. There are good and bad consequence of course. The good thing is that I was aware of their emotion, of what's going on in their life, and some of them seek for my advice upon certain issues. I feel honored as I am trusted for that matter. But the bad thing, they might go beyond your expectation as they feel like they're so close to you. Some of my students did invite me to join their hangouts with their boyfriends. "Teacher, we're going out this Sunday. Would you like to join? We're coming with our (form three and form four) boyfriends. We gonna watch movie. Teacher let's join us at _____ at _____ a.m on Sunday. Please bring along your boyfriend, we'd like to know him. Abg ____ kan teacher?" I have absolutely no problem with that as a person, I am infact in a relationship at the moment and personally, I think it's good to go hangout with them sometimes but to look at it from a teacher's perspective, I should not encourage them to get involve in a relationship at this age, I should advise them to stay focus on studies. They're only thirteen. It's a looooooong way to go for that. But I don't want to spoil the moment, sound old and uncool at the same time. Haha. So I had to decline, saying that I had to attend class, please not to forget the homeworks, and please behave. Sorry I lied. But I hope I'd given the right advice.

Guess those are some of my experience that I manage to share here for this entry. (I have a lot more :P but can't tell it in a go. I'll try to find time to write OK :) )No doubt, the teaching and learning session was tiring (and I think if I got paid for that, mesti berkat punya. Because all the time allocated for classes was used efficiently to the fullest. Hehs.) A teacher has an endless duty. Those who have never experienced being in school as teacher would not understand the suffering and the workloads a teacher had to face. Apart from teaching, teachers have tons of other things to do from curricular activities to even clerical jobs and sometimes I feel that those are ridiculous. I've experienced joining in a few big events like the PTA's meeting and it was miserable I would say. Therefore, to be a teacher, one needs the passion and deep interest, otherwise, you won't survive. And here, I'd like to take the oportunity to wish all teachers in the world Happy Teacher's Day. (Errr...I hope it's not too late :P )

So, to think back, those hardships I faced (which had made me freaked myself out and burst into tears then) would make me smile now because I could not believe I had gone through such experience and I survived and it's kind of funny to reminisce and it's a worth try, considering that I've got to get-to-know and work with great people (well, some were not.) in a real school environment. It was a wonderful experience.

[p/s: Thank you Mr. Love for being by my side at all times, listening to my blab everyday, comforting me and advising me not to kill myself because I'm still young and beautiful (joke joke) and the girlfriends especially teacher Yuyu from Bandar Utama Damansara 4, teacher Dib dari Convent Klang and teacher Amalina from Tropicana for sharing the experience (and lesson plans. haha.) to make me sane and feel good again (because we're all sharing quite same experience so techniquely we understand each other.) Million thank you goes to my parents too who supported me financially (all expenses are on myself so they're my source, encik boifren ada membantu juga. wee.) and emotionally. Terima kasih juga kepada kakak Idayu saya yang banyak berkorban *hugs* untuk spoilt not-so-little-anymore cousin ini. Eheh. Thank you. I'm blessed to be surrounded by nice people and grateful for that :) ]

Welcome Back

Hello everyone! It's been ages aite? I am so irresponsible for neglecting the blog. Pardon me for that. I am now having my longest break which makes me feel like in heaven after a great struggle to survive being a trainee teacher at a school where English is their everyday language and i-phone is nothing to them. And I am a drowning anchovy among the jaws in the sea. (That's the comparison of myself as a trainee as compared to senior teachers.) I've got mixed-up experience there, which I'll be telling later. And I am now 24. I was so absorbed with my school life that I could not find time to blog. This is just a short welcome-back post from me. And so, welcome me (back) blogging world. I'll do some catching-up with you guys on the list. Watch out :P

LIVE from SCHOOL

I know this is bad but hey, I'm blogging from SCHOOL! How cool eh? Would you like to know which school I am posted to? It's somewhere in USJ. I'll tell you more of it someday. LOLS. I have A LOT to tell, I'll find some time to update ya. See all of you around. I miss blogging and reading blogs T_T

loves :)

I'm so in love with this wonderful guy :)

Of You. Of Me.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I hope it's not too late to wish everyone a very happy new year (1431H.) All of sudden I feel nostalgic and guilty and happy at once. To reflect back of all my deeds this year, I must say that I should apologize to this someone whom the heart was broken. I am sorry for everything that I have done to you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's not you, it's all me that I have decided on which path I am going to take, which life I am going to live, with whom I am going to spend my whole life with (if God wills) and too bad Andres, it's not you. I am deeply sorry for that. I wish we still can be friend. I'd love to have a very good friend like you. On the other hand, I am terribly happy that my life now is perfectly perfect that I have people who love me all around me. And it feels so good that I would not even care of anything else because I know I am going to have supportive people to get me through if ever I hit the ground, I could not care less of whatever disaster that may come across my way.

Ok, let's get down to my core business here that is to reveal (what? reveal? pardon me, my choice of words today is getting poorer. sometimes I think I've lost my sense.) a little bit of my activities that filled my holiday (which will end pretty soon, my god!) and I think pictures may help me do the talking.

OK, these above pictures were taken when mommy, daddy, my lil sister and I roasted the catfish at granny's place (tepi stor, port memasak ketupat rendang dan juga lemang time raya) The first picture is of course of my mommy and daddy and the second one is the not-yet-roasted-catfish. It's finger licking good, I tell you.

These above pictures on the other hand were taken when we went for a trip organized by UMNO. I happened to replace a place of a member who couldn't make it last minute. Therefore, I consider myself lucky because it's free that I don't have to pay even a penny. The first picture was taken on top of the Menara Taming Sari while the second picture was taken when I was on top of the Eye On Malaysia with mommy and my little sister. We went for boat-riding along Malacca River too but I didn't take any picture because I was just too busy listening to the explanation given by the tourist guide of the historical buildings that can be seen along the way and the experience is valuable; it made me proud to be Malaysian.

These are pictures of my friends (ehem) and I when we were out for movie trips (notice the "S". We just love watching movies. Movies that we find interesting jelah, of course, like Couples Retreat, The Princess and The Frog, and a lot more. Santau pun I layan haha. But Phobia 2 is the eeriest, spine-chilling movie for this year over. The ending was unexpected and fantastic I'd say.), out for sight-seeing the town, window shopping at the Jonker Walk, and of course while our coffee-break time. I wish not to put more pictures because I am not going to transform this blog into a photoblog. Lols.

Apart from those happy moments, I have experienced living without mommy (that practically made me an orphan. And disabled.) because she was away for a week the other day and yeay, (oh no!) I had to cook for my family! Guess what I'd prepared for them? The all-time-favorite that is of course my lovely Sambal! Everyday pun sambal. Sambal sotong, sambal udang, sambal ayam, sambal sardin, sambal telur that made my little brother and little sister felt so stressed out. But what do I do? That's the only food on earth I am capable (and ahem, expert. note the word people, mark the word.) to prepare. Well at least they didn't die out of hunger, no? Should I put pictures of food that I'd made? Yes? No? Better not to la kan. Hehs.

One more thing, I've cut my hair off, meaning that I have a super short hair cut. And the good thing is I am not blonde anymore and my parents are so relieved that the colored hair is gone now. Sobsob. I wish I could stand the pressure and the urge inside of me (syaitonirrojim neyh.) of getting my hair colored forever. Amin.

The result was officially announced last week and alhamdulillah, I've made it to practicum. I thought I'm going to fail a few subjects but I was so lucky that I didn't fail and manage to proceed to the next level. Last semester was the toughest semester of all, I would say, considering of the situations I've been in and through. And it's agreeable by my fellow third-year teslians that semester six is the hardest so far. Speaking of practicum, it takes my breath away to think of what might happen and how am I going to survive when teaching is not my passion. I still have the list of "Things that I fear from practicum" that my Classroom Management lecturer asked us to list it down with me and they are unfortunately still the things that I fear. I wonder how do I teach a language. It's not Science nor Maths, it's English Language for God's sake! It freaks me out even more to realize the fact that my future students are all beyond the critical period, meaning that the ability for them to absorb the language had decreased unless they are already proficient. And I got to know from one of my lectures that the ability and time of acquisition of each student are unique. Ahmad who is a form one student  might be able to learn and master Present Tense on January 15, while his classmate Ali will not master it on that day and Ali might possibly master it when he reaches fourteen. I forgot the name of the theory but yes, that's one of the theories that linguists proposed. How do I survive? How am I possibly teach each student with different topic accordingly if I were to consider the theory and how do I know who will be able to learn what topic at a specific time? I am dead meat, can't you see? And one more thing, we are still waiting for the list of school we are going to be posted to and it gives me goosebumps to think of where I might be sent off, be it a school where everyone speaks English all their life or a school where English is an alient language. And I don't drive, therefore, how am I going to get myself to school? I am a person with full of questions. Yours, till my questions answered.

[p/s: I am so excited that blogspot allows me to cross out words. I think it's a new application as I noticed at the above box. I feel so high-tech! And it's cool! Weehoo!]

Here and There, Coffee and Tea, You and Me. Oh I am so happy!

Hello beautiful and handsome. Starting dah bodek. Haha. I've seen this phrase somewhere, can't recall where somehow. So, how's everyone? I've just got back from a one-week course for my pre-practicum. It usually starts a week before we go for our practicum but this semester it started a little bit earlier, I don't know why, don't ask me. This course had given me a lot of inputs be it on the real scenarios at school as well as the profession itself. Teaching is a noble profession by all means, no doubt. However, teaching is still not a passion for me, as for now. Worse, I found it's kinda torturing me to know that I am to abide by the verdict of the profession saying that females are not allowed to wear pants to work and I know some might say "what's the problem then? just do not wear it! you're not gonna die, anyway." oh yes, of course I'm not gonna die but I have this one weird dream (or so some say) that I'd like to wear suit to work. I know I'm impossible, you don't have to repeat me. But hey, that's my dream, honestly, and my best cousin said that it's OK to have this kind of dreams. Well, I have an approval, at least. And I believe I have a right to dream for what I wanna wear, whom I wanna be with, etc. It's my life anyway.

I've been at home for one week now and the break is officially on since then. Throughout this one week, I've been busy catching up with friends and loved ones here in my hometown. I went out for almost everyday and I totally like it. It's good to be with people you love and people who love you back, enough said. So, the list goes now.

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  Watched 2012 on Friday,
  
  
  
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  A Christmas Carol on Sunday,
  
  
  
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  out for kueh udang on Monday I think, (ye ke? or Tuesday?)
  
  
  
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  Wednesday was our ranger day out, (We went out for lunch and spent time doing recreational activities like canoe-ing, cycling and paddle boat-ing though we didn' wear proper attire for such activities and it was enjoyable. I'll upload a picture of us that was taken before we departed home. More pictures will be uploaded later because it's with Mimi darling. *kalau rajin hahaha* I thought of creating a photoblog to keep all my photos saved, so if my computer breaks down or if any unwanted thing happens, I'm gonna have all of them saved here.) 
  
  
  

credit to ninie. n ira n udin too. adik-adik were entertaining. very. tq!

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  Thursday I stayed home, acted like a goodie-goodie person doing house chores (of course la because Friday's raya kan. cuma A and H jek yang nakal apakah kuar jalan-jalan balik rumah makan tiga jenis ayam. oppss did I say it out loud? Pardon me :-" )
  
  
  
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  Friday again I watched Ninja Assasin,  (Yes I know It's eid. This year was the first time ever that my family and I celebrated it at home because granny's admitted to the hospital and it was boring because not so much people left here. Balik kampung they off. So that evening I went out for movie and a cup of coffee together with my favorite toast and it really made my day of course. Tq darling for your company. Everytime pun it's your companion I have. Thank you Thank you Thank you.)
  
  
  
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  Saturday's supposedly meant for a  meeting-up session with friends for tea but had to cancel it due to a surprise visit for granny. Off to KL we went.
  
  
  
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  And just now we went out for coffee and I refused to further explain boleh kan? :P
  
  
  

You see, I have a beautiful life now. I refuse to think of all the stupid things that keep on bothering me. I want to retreat and rejuvenate myself. Toxics please stay away from me. Pretty please. To all the love in the world, thank you for keeping me accompanied. I really appreciate your existence :) Thank God to let me live happily up to this very moment. (despite all the bad deeds that I have done) Because my lecturer said it's hard to see people happy nowadays and he advised us not to ruin other's happiness, just let them be happy, and you go find yours. So, despite the downfall of the economy, global warming and all problems that interfered, I wish everyone happiness that long last.

A Comeback. For Good.

Heyya people. It's been soooooooo long that I have not posted anything in here. Now I am back! It's still the same old me, with the same old look, (but not that pathetic anymore, at least not for now lah kan. Eheh) the one who would always have bad luck to have the HONOR to see people in the next car next to her picking their noses and she swears to dear god that's sooooooo gross! Euww (Suddenly I remember about an incident last week when I was waiting for my burger at a stall nearby, I saw a man picking his nose and I was almost thrown up! Oh please, boleh tak pick nose dlm toilet sorang-sorang kalau nak? (oh,,and please jangan lupa cuci tangan kasi bersih.) Geli tahu tak?

Ok Ok I am off topic now. Truth is, I miss blogging to hell, I miss visiting my blog list, and now I am left far far behind, of you people's updates. Pardon me for being soooo into my studies *puke puke to infinity* haha. I have got a lot to tell, mind you, it's really a lot, but I am still in my examination week, but still I want to post on things, so no choice except to cut the stories into pieces la, to make it short. Hehs. Good news, I've got a new computer! My daddy cool bought it for me. And it was a surprise! Terima kasih abah! I went back to my hometown a few days before raya to find out that a new computer was ready to serve me. Cool, huh? Actually my brother had called me earlier la, telling me that daddy called him asking about computer bla bla bla and he told me not to be a drama queen, not to cry-out-of-happiness sort of things, you know, and I was like “whatever” because I thought he was just teasing me. He loves to tease me anyway. That's his number two hobby I suppose. Loser! Haha. And then everyone in the house started to claim that they had contributed in influencing daddy to buy the computer. But I guess mommy was the one, because she told daddy that I was crying over it day and night (oh-so-crazy la) because my little sister and little brother told her that I was really crying when they read my last post (oh-so-crazy-little siblings-i-have.) Anyways, I have got a new one now, and it saved me lotsa time! Thank god. Thank you abah. Thank you emak. Thank you everyone, for making my life sooo great. And my hari raya was fun too, as always.

I headed a very hectic life this semester. I got the chance to do observation in school and it was enjoyable. Poorly, teaching still is not a passion for me, but I think I can cope with the students (at least with those I observed) because I saw my brother and sister in them. OK, I am being quite irrelevant here as my team mates said, but they were all young and funny and cute and entertaining to me. I wish I am going to have funny-but-brilliant students when I do my practicum next semester. I wish. Would you like to see my wish list for practicum? Oh surely not because I can guarantee you that would be deadly boring. Yawn.

This semester too, I did learn from my mistakes about life. The more I think of life, the more I understand that life is not that bad. It's just how you want to live it. And I think life is all about making choices. It's all about to be or not to be. It's all about to do or not to do. It's all about you and the options your have. And the choices are all yours. And I have decided on major things in my life. I want to be happy. And I am not going to look back anymore, it's final. All these while I have been wasting my time on wrong persons, wrong things, wrong paths. Now that I realized about it, I don't want to get wasted anymore. Thank god for making me realize. I actually have given it several thoughts before I jumped into decision-making. And I pray to god that all the decisions I made were the best for me. And for you, too. Like I always said, I don't want to waste my time on cheap men and rough wine. That's my favorite quote all my life. I know I sounded like "macam-bagus-sangat" but if you know me well, then you would understand why. I am just being me.

Ok now I sound old and boring. Boo. Guess what sexy people, I went out for a concert last Saturday and it was cool because we got The All American Rejects to perform! And you know that's one of my favorite band, don't you? And I bet everybody knows how cool they are, right? So, where do I start? It was raining, you can see there were raindrops on my tudung. We arrived there a bit late that day, therefore we had to line up for an hour I think but still we managed to fake smiles. I'm putting pictures as proof. Hehs. Oh I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you, you wanna touch me too is an addiction la. Swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crushed by a former love is my all-time-favorite. So does dirty little secret. and move along. and it ends tonight. and straightjacket feeling. and gives you hell. God, they rock, I just love their music! And Tyson too. Though he's kinda weird as all can see. Eheh. Overall, the concert was fine. Hell G-R-E-A-T I mean! :P But deep inside me, I was feeling guilty actually, I was thinking of lotsa things and partly because my aunt, uncle and cousin are doing ibadah in makkah and here I am attending a concert? Like “what?” But bagi chance la dekat I kan, once in a while to go out and have fun. Kan? Hehs.

Ok it's three in the morning and I think I have to stop now. In short, my life went well up to this very moment. Though I fucked up in my micro teachings, though I did not do well in my assignments, though I did not manage to answer my exams, though I broke hearts, I am still glad that now I have people in my life who would love me just for what I am. I am not the best student, neither I am a rich girl, nor a pretty one, I admit it, but I am having all the love in the world with me now that I don't have to impress nor convince anyone that I am a super great person to reserve me the right to be loved and I am thankful enough for that. Thank you.


[you can click on the image to get a larger image you know? And I just knew it and I think I was such a pain in the ass! oppss. please God stop my swearing habit. haha. poor me la. and one more thing. it's so amazing to discover that my-little-year-three-cousin has a facebook account. so do my other little cousins. and they were interacting with each other like adults did! they were engaging themselves with things i have never heard of in my entire 23 years of life and wow, i think that's fast and pretty cool, even i couldn't catch up so well with technology . or maybe i was just too slow and not cool? ouh the torture of technology. ]


[p/s: was it really long i have not logged in, long enough sampai banyak features dalam blogspot ni dah berubah? and i'm kinda lost here. how do i put colors to my words? how do i change the alignment? how do i choose the font? help! help!]