LA-LA land

FINALLY!

2011-11-14T14:18:00.000+08:00

oh yes! thank god that I finally managed to get back my account! I lost my password anyway.
So yeah, I have a lot to tell as usual. But I'm at work, so to update blog at work sounds not noble. Shall I continue writing once I reach home or whenever I feel like. Eheh. But yeah, I'm sooooooo extremely happy that I can't have access to this account back! It's been so long! *big smile*
And to read back all of my writings at this age made me smile just to know and realize that how much I have grown up and went through. I'm just proud to say this to myself, that till this very moment, I survived, all the way :)

Relieved

2011-01-12T17:38:00.000+08:00

I think God loves me that He sent me bunch of people who really care. And thoughtful. And kind. (besides supportive family.) Thanks darling girls. I really appreciate it. I have just realized that having a few nice friends is more meaningful than having lotsssssss of friends who just don't care. But to make enemy is never a good resort.

Thoughtful Amalina and Kind Adibah :)

Caring Yuyu

Ehem. couple of the year ni. Lovely Mimi n the bf

My Mr. Notty [dikala muda remaja]

Understanding Rain

Makan-makan dgn Rain

Hugging Yuyu.

Hari meneman Amalina survey barangan perkahwinan bersama Adibah.

Hanging out sambil mengusik the sweet couple.

Thank God for them.

I know

2011-01-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

I know my status on FB was controversial. I just can't hold it anymore. Because I think all this while I have been very patient, even when my precious belongings were thrown away just like that, and my other stuff were used for soooooooo many times without my permission. I believe asking permission and respecting others' belongings are universal values that we should hold onto until we die. Or shall I say "I don't fucking care if you don't practice those good values as long as you stay out of my way" as to reveal the selfish part of me. Maybe you were thinking that I didn't notice it but for god's sake I did. For all times. It's just that I hate to bring up issues like this because I treat you like family but you just went overboard. You took advantage on me. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

My December :)

2011-01-03T22:39:00.000+08:00

Heyya!

I'm getting married! (in two to three years of time. haha. Insyaallah.)
I drove. Oh yes. I DROVE a car! It was last two weeks, the boyfriend's car, from Kuantan to Karak. And I can't stop smiling for fifteen minutes once I hand in the key back to him. I was really proud of myself that I finally managed to make use of the used-to-be-for-display-purpose-only license. I really can't describe the feeling; it's the mixture of excitement, nervous, enthusiasm, and proud all at once but it was a pleasure experience I would say. For the rest of people in the entire world, it really means nothing, except for me. Thanks for making me believing, Mr. Sweetheart. And thanks too for believing in me, risking your car and yourself. Haha. I thought of asking him to capture my picture as I drive but I didn't say it out loud. I need to focus, remember? :P But I'll still put pictures, don't worry.
It took me about an hour and half to reach Karak with the range of 90 to 110 speed. I was forbidden to go beyond 110. Not that bad anyway I think. I got the chance to overtake and park the car too. Haha. Biarlah, nak cerita jugak! Once the boyfriend took over, he sped up, so that we could reach Shah Alam on planned time. "Hoi hoi encik, apakah u bawak laju sangat ni?" "Oh I nak cover balik yang u bawak slow tadi." Poyonya anda encik! ZzzzzZZzzzzz.
I transformed the cute CCQ into a cargo container once we reached Shah Alam. Kasihan anda, CCQ. But we bought the cute CCQ new perfume as reward. Hehs.
We stopped at R&R Seremban for lunch at 4. (it's so weird that we didn't take even a picture that day. Maybe because we're in hurry. The family is moving in new house on the same day.) On the way back, the bf asked if I want tangerine when he saw a stall selling it. I was touched because he still remembers that I like tangerine, the fact that I told him a couple of years back when we chatted. Sorry, I cannot help. It's just another part of me. I ended up smiling wide showing my crooked teeth. And he said I was crazy.
I'm so happy that his family is now living across the street. So it makes us neighbours! Haha. The good thing is that it enables us to go out for one last time before he went back for work, once a month.
Oh yes, the week before, I went out with little sister to watch Narnia. I wanted to watch Harry Potter but I watched Narnia, instead. I didn't enjoy Narnia this time. I wonder whether it's just me because I'm reaching 25 or is it just because the storyline is now predicted? or is it because it's just plain boring? Rapunzel was a bit more entertaining as compared to Narnia I think. Despite the fact that I didn't fancy Narnia anymore now, (not like Dekha and Aizad, they liked the story well, still) the day went well as I got 10% discount for coffee out of a sincere smile. What a wonderful world :)
Last week on Tuesday, I went out to meet Cikgu Amizanah. We chatted and shopped. It was a great catching up session. We laughed all the way. She now acts out the characteristics of a teacher, really. I'm impressed!
I spent this weekend with my dear Rain. The details will be posted tomorrow because I had to wait for Rain to online and transfer the pictures we took. So for the time being, ini sahajalah gambar yang mampu di muat-naik :)

berpanas for Narnia! hoh. next to me is my sister anyway.

Christmas madness people! hehs.

i think i would buy this shirt if it's cheaper by 10rm.

oh this one was taken after my sister and i watched Rapunzel.

with Cikgu Amizanah garang :D Meet Cikgu Amizanah everyone.

Ini sesi membeli-belah bersama cikgu Amizanah la :D Saje nak bagi Mimi panas :P

Oh ini lunch date before Aizad went back. Till we meet again, Mr.

Nah nah. I put, as requested, dengan ingatan tulus ikhlas :)

My Day. My Way.

2010-12-08T04:54:00.004+08:00

It is 2.30 a.m. and I am still wide awake. I know my Mr. Superman dislikes the fact that I do stay up to catch up with the blogs and other virtual activities. But darling, I do need this once in a while, it's kind of therapy for me. I hope you don't mind ;)This is going to be a very short and brief post. (konon). hehs. Let's go by number. I love them numbers :P

I have completed my degree (I bet you are gonna cry if I let you know the painful hardships that I faced, the struggles that I went through especially during this final semester. Sobs.) and officially unemployed. It does not worry me at all for the past three weeks but it's started to bother me when all of my friends are just too busy hunting for jobs and some of them had already been accepted at firms in various fields and finding job has become a hot issue (who got this who failed that sort of things you know) and it freaks me out. Why on earth would they have to kill the joy? haisy.
I am enjoying the moment of pampering myself with free food and shelter, handsome amount of pocket money (which gets thinner day by day) together with long hours of sleep (they come in a package you know) while I still can.
I am still madly in love with that Mr. after hundred of days (I wish to type "years" hehs) together. And I love PDA. If you don't, you're just being jealous I suppose :P No, I'm serious.
I bought several new outfits without giving them proper thought and I ended up disfavoring them (together with a tinge of regret thinking that I could possibly afford another trip to any domestic destination of choice for a one last perfect vacation of the year) and I thought of letting them go but.... (yeah there's a lot of butss here. and "plus" and "because" too. Sigh sigh. )
I went out with my friend mimi and my second cousin yanie and had a blast. I am longing for such girls-day-out for quite long.
I still think that she's just so mean. And there were three mean "she" and a few other "bitches" that I had encountered for the past four years. And I wish neither to meet another mean "she" nor "bitch" just so you know how much I hate drama and the drama queen ya.
I am still random and cynical. And I do curse occasionally. Still. Not change.
I am still at failure to organize my writing in a good flow. I jump here and there. Often.
I miss the lover. Therefore I decided to upload his picture here. (Alasan. Hehs.)

Presenting...Mr Love Love. Anda tak suka tak apa. Saya suka. Haha.

10. Just because I had fun just now, I've decided to (again) upload some pictures we took. Together with my "sweet november" moment :)

the power of three

the "fun and witty" us (konon) :P

the beautiful background :)

the beautiful with the brain ladies (ahem.) :P

the excited me. lol.

the beautiful scenery :)

love them colors!

the penyibuk me :P Introducing yanie my second cousin everyone :D

fly me kite!

saya nak jawab!

the happy us

the mengada me

the happy three friends :D

the sulky boyfriend. eh! :D

meng sms untuk memujuk the merajuk encik boyfriend. eheh. ILU :-*

Yeah. It's all-about-me day ya. Jangan menyampah pls. The sweet november moment will be posted in the next post la. Otherwise this blog will turn into a photoblog pula. Huhu. Till then. Taaa~

hello again.

2010-10-19T02:59:00.003+08:00

ok. i should admit that i am hyper, due to the excessive caffeine i consumed today. now that i am so eager to write. ah whateverrr.

[p/s: mysteries never fail to excite me. by all means. just be careful mysteries and mysterious,, i will hunt you down. one fine day. ]

oh.

2010-10-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

hello people.
it's been a while yeah (like always) hehs.
i just feel like blogging though i have my AE (academic exercise) to edit.
today i feel so alive. despite the fact that i did not sleep the whole night yesterday, i managed to put a smiley face the whole day.
i am so light-hearted today. i don't know why.
maybe it's because of the coffee break i had with my lovely cousin this afternoon and the hu-ha session with her. we were laughing all the way sampai cramp mulut. haha. thanks kak ayu.
or maybe i am just grateful of what i have and what i have gone through so far.
though not all of it are sweet like candy, i have sour-hard times too. but yeah, God blessed me, i am still here standing still looking pretty *puke* hehs.
i just want to share my random thoughts here. it's really random, no offense. i am taking a break from my AE.

i hate copy cats by all means. yeah, go get a life. loser sangat kn.
i was cranky, i mean really cranky yesterday. sorry mr. superman. kesian anda. saya amat menyesal.
i wonder what would i do, who would i be in a month time from now. hmm.
i have a mixed feeling to leave shah alam. but i think it's more on the positive side kot. hehs.
i cannot wait for 30.10.2010. (to whom it may concern, be ready.) :P
i want to go home having mommy's laksa, (oh sedapnya!) indulging myself with well and healthy food instead of chicken flavored maggi mee as routine dinner, and be surrounded by loved ones. heaven!
i can tolerate blue now (it's an old lame fact anyway. next.)
i managed not to become indecisive for once this afternoon. haha.
i wonder how much would it cost to fix my crooked teeth (and crooked mind of mine.)
i was caffeinated and high. haha.
i want to be happy, at all times :)

oh i can't wait for long hours of beautiful sleep to come, i can't wait for times when i don't have to think of even a single thing on mind. miss storybooks (i have three new untouched novels) wait for me ya. i am just tired of being busy. but i am almost done. so please excuse me :P
will be back, soon ;)

I Miss...

2010-08-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

Oh Man!

2010-07-31T11:52:00.000+08:00

The Rock rocks! Enough said (gara-gara terpengaruh tgk the game plan malam tadi) :P

Bitter-sweet Memories (Part 2)

2010-07-13T16:24:00.000+08:00

I was so touched when my junior who is now going for practicum at my previous school, told me yesterday, that my students are missing me. They asked my junior whether or not she knows their teacher, Miss Syahirah and the moment she said yes, the students started to tell her that they miss me so bad, they wanted me back, because I was kind, I never got angry in class, I never scold them. I am talking about my 1Gigih class. (If and only if they know of how many times I've been crying for all the hard times they've given me, they would never think I am a cool trainee teacher. LOL.) It's a pleasure knowing that I am still being remembered and they are still keeping all the good memories we had together. :)

Bitter-Sweet Memories (Part 1)

2010-05-30T03:02:00.004+08:00

12 weeks was not that long, as most people say. That was the total time allocated to me for my practicum, and I think it's long enough for me (I believe you know the reason why. It's not my passion to teach.) and I am deeply grateful that I survived with minor injuries (emotionally abused due to a few unwanted occasions. Hehs.) During that period, I was expected to carry the duty of a real teacher. I was given a rumah sukan (yellow--temenggung), I've become the guru penasihat for Taekwando (hahaha. shut up.) I was appointed to become guru penasihat for Kelab Seni Kreatif (impressive eh) as well as the guru penasihat for Ping Pong Club. I was assigned to the afternoon session; so hooray, God blessed me! I am never a morning person. I thought I didn't have to wake up early in the morning but I was wrong since I had to come to school early everyday as I was honored to train the choral speakers. And yes, I also had to come at 8.00a.m every Tuesday for sports' practice. I was given 10 periods of teaching per week and 4 to 5 periods for relief classes, everyday. (pembuli sungguh T__T) One period equals to 35 minutes. I was at school from 7a.m to 7p.m on the first day of the orientation week (due to misunderstanding of the school and the faculty, they didn't let us know that we're assigned to the afternoon session and so we had to stay back until the school ends that day, and for the very first day, I was given 5 relief classes and I was lost. And my first week of entering relief classes was suck. Really. I don't want to go into detail for that. So basically, during that 12 weeks of time, my life was dedicated to school. (Oh I sounded too dedicated. *PUKE*)

So for this entry, I'd like to share some of my bitter-sweet moments in school. I hope this post will inspire those who would go to school for practicum and will refresh the memories to those who had been in school as a trainee teacher. Things that I've experienced were not that bad, anyway. You can have so much fun with your students. Try to get along with them and be part of them, you're going to get their trust and blend in, believe me.

I was assigned to two different classes; one of a class which consists of very advanced students, and another one is of mixed ability students. People say it'd be easier teaching advanced students but I think both advanced and intermediate offer their own challenges. I would say I am not that advanced user of English Language, I would rather rank myself in the middle stage where as English is not my everyday language; it's still a second language to me. I mean I don't speak English at home, I rarely converse in English with my friends outside the faculty (or should I say class?) though we have tried it trillion times and the attempts were at success for ten minutes, the most, and the only time I use English is when interacting in blog and facebook (other than in class, during presentation, with lecturers.) So, when I had a class of advanced students, it's sort of a torture to me, considering that they are all competent and fluent (they would rather use "conspicuous" than "obvious" in their everyday conversation for instance. There's nothing wrong with it, I swear. But can't you see where they are at and they're only thirteen?) and rich (this maybe a bit off topic since it's not applied to my students but there are form one students who come to school carrying an original LV I tell you for God's sake. I know I should not bother that but I can't help myself. The principal too, had warned us the trainee to be careful with our words, our instructions and all that as she didn't want us to get into trouble when it comes to dealing with the rich parents.The thought was bothering me all the time.) which had made me feel tiny and a bit inferior. I am ~~big~~ small at heart. I infact lost my competency during the first few weeks due to my lack of confidence (and preparations. My bad.) Other than that, I had no problem with them, (except for one student who purposely neglected the tasks I'd assigned and she had a hard time when I had to collect their books for the principal to check.) they were in control, they were very cooperative (this includes the "acting" session when my lecturer came in for his observations. I should thank them for that.)

For my mixed class (I would rather term them as intermediate) I had different problem. I had students with good command of English as well as students who failed miserably in their UPSR. And I even had students from remove class; they're quite a number which I only got to know when the first few weeks had past which made me feel so bad for not knowing at the very first place. (And oh I forgot to mention that I taught only form one classes since the school were lacking in lower-forms teachers.) So everytime I enter the class, I'll have students who stare blankly at me while I am speaking. There was one time, a few female students asked me "Cikgu, Cikgu ni orang apa?" and I was shocked to get that curious look and weird question at the same time. "Cikgu ni orang putih eh?", they asked me again, curiously. I asked them why and guess what they said? "Yelah, Cikgu cakap Bahasa Inggeris, ingatkan Cikgu ni orang putih. Kenapa Cikgu ni asyik cakap Bahasa Inggeris je?" Can you imagine that? And during my first week entering the class, I got chinese students speaking Mandarin to me (There were only seven Malays in that class over 36 students. And I still had students speaking chinese to me, just to piss me off throughout the 12 weeks. Never did I take it too serious as I view them as immature little brothers and sisters though sometimes I feel like speaking Arabic to them just to make them feel how I feel but that would be too bad; for bullying the kids. I would feel bad for that. Out of it, I've learnt several phrases in Mandarin. Cool, isn't it?) I was so worried that that class has a huge gap in proficiency level. Therefore, I had to go for intermediate tasks and extra attention were given to those weak students. I had to translate back in Malay, for the Malays, and asked the good ones to help me translate the task in Mandarin, for the Chinese. And the instruction would always be written on the whiteboard too. But still I have to bear with the fact that there will always be questions like "Teacher, what to do?" or "Teacher, need to copy eh?" or "Teacher, need to pass up today?" and the most favorite question which is "Teacher, what book?" (this question seemed to be a curse, not only to me, but to all my friends who did their practicum in other schools as well. It never fails to depress me.) though I had stated clearly "BOOK 3", "Topic: Present Tense", "Task 1: Copy down the passage in your Book 3 and fill in the blanks with the words given in the box" I also draw the box with Present Tense words in it followed by the passage. And don't be surprise that there were students who asked " Teacher, what box?" And there were also students who passed up the wrong book and you got everything all mixed up together in the wrong book. Worse, some would just copy everything without knowing what to do and when I asked they said they're done, and when they passed up, I got only a beautifully written pasage without the answer, and some didn't even bother to pass up. So I had to go observe everyone in the class, whether they're doing right or not. And it is so very crucial to repeat your instructions over and over again (or in other words to repeat back everything) just so they remember and stay in track. And sometimes you might need to refine and simplify the instructions and tasks and go step-by-step of everything with them. I wonder why is it really difficult for kids nowadays to follow orders from teacher. Unlike my fellow muzaffarians and I, we were obidient, we really listened to teachers. (eceh. But seriously, we did. Nakal-nakal sikit tu adalah but still we're in control and we know the limit. Students nowadays are totally different. Especially the upper form students. Bukanlah semua but most of them are. I am writing based on my observation.) So everytime I had hard times with my students, be it students from my classes as well as students of the relief classes, I would always try to recall back whether or not I had behaved in such manner to my teachers back in school and I believe (as far as I am concerned, second by the boifren as well :P ) I did not. So I always say to myself "This is not KARMA. I was not that bad in school. This is just a test from God" to enable me to breath in and out again :P

The good thing to have facebook nowadays is that you could get to know your students and their social activities and backrounds. And they get to know you better too. Generally, I allow my students to be friend with me in that social network and I keep only one account as I want them to treat me as their friends, so there will be no big gap between us. There are good and bad consequence of course. The good thing is that I was aware of their emotion, of what's going on in their life, and some of them seek for my advice upon certain issues. I feel honored as I am trusted for that matter. But the bad thing, they might go beyond your expectation as they feel like they're so close to you. Some of my students did invite me to join their hangouts with their boyfriends. "Teacher, we're going out this Sunday. Would you like to join? We're coming with our (form three and form four) boyfriends. We gonna watch movie. Teacher let's join us at _____ at _____ a.m on Sunday. Please bring along your boyfriend, we'd like to know him. Abg ____ kan teacher?" I have absolutely no problem with that as a person, I am infact in a relationship at the moment and personally, I think it's good to go hangout with them sometimes but to look at it from a teacher's perspective, I should not encourage them to get involve in a relationship at this age, I should advise them to stay focus on studies. They're only thirteen. It's a looooooong way to go for that. But I don't want to spoil the moment, sound old and uncool at the same time. Haha. So I had to decline, saying that I had to attend class, please not to forget the homeworks, and please behave. Sorry I lied. But I hope I'd given the right advice.

Guess those are some of my experience that I manage to share here for this entry. (I have a lot more :P but can't tell it in a go. I'll try to find time to write OK :) )No doubt, the teaching and learning session was tiring (and I think if I got paid for that, mesti berkat punya. Because all the time allocated for classes was used efficiently to the fullest. Hehs.) A teacher has an endless duty. Those who have never experienced being in school as teacher would not understand the suffering and the workloads a teacher had to face. Apart from teaching, teachers have tons of other things to do from curricular activities to even clerical jobs and sometimes I feel that those are ridiculous. I've experienced joining in a few big events like the PTA's meeting and it was miserable I would say. Therefore, to be a teacher, one needs the passion and deep interest, otherwise, you won't survive. And here, I'd like to take the oportunity to wish all teachers in the world Happy Teacher's Day. (Errr...I hope it's not too late :P )

So, to think back, those hardships I faced (which had made me freaked myself out and burst into tears then) would make me smile now because I could not believe I had gone through such experience and I survived and it's kind of funny to reminisce and it's a worth try, considering that I've got to get-to-know and work with great people (well, some were not.) in a real school environment. It was a wonderful experience.

[p/s: Thank you Mr. Love for being by my side at all times, listening to my blab everyday, comforting me and advising me not to kill myself because I'm still young and beautiful (joke joke) and the girlfriends especially teacher Yuyu from Bandar Utama Damansara 4, teacher Dib dari Convent Klang and teacher Amalina from Tropicana for sharing the experience (and lesson plans. haha.) to make me sane and feel good again (because we're all sharing quite same experience so techniquely we understand each other.) Million thank you goes to my parents too who supported me financially (all expenses are on myself so they're my source, encik boifren ada membantu juga. wee.) and emotionally. Terima kasih juga kepada kakak Idayu saya yang banyak berkorban *hugs* untuk spoilt not-so-little-anymore cousin ini. Eheh. Thank you. I'm blessed to be surrounded by nice people and grateful for that :) ]

Welcome Back

2010-04-27T18:30:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone! It's been ages aite? I am so irresponsible for neglecting the blog. Pardon me for that. I am now having my longest break which makes me feel like in heaven after a great struggle to survive being a trainee teacher at a school where English is their everyday language and i-phone is nothing to them. And I am a drowning anchovy among the jaws in the sea. (That's the comparison of myself as a trainee as compared to senior teachers.) I've got mixed-up experience there, which I'll be telling later. And I am now 24. I was so absorbed with my school life that I could not find time to blog. This is just a short welcome-back post from me. And so, welcome me (back) blogging world. I'll do some catching-up with you guys on the list. Watch out :P

LIVE from SCHOOL

2010-02-04T16:07:00.000+08:00

I know this is bad but hey, I'm blogging from SCHOOL! How cool eh? Would you like to know which school I am posted to? It's somewhere in USJ. I'll tell you more of it someday. LOLS. I have A LOT to tell, I'll find some time to update ya. See all of you around. I miss blogging and reading blogs T_T

loves :)

2009-12-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

I'm so in love with this wonderful guy :)

Of You. Of Me.

2009-12-19T02:23:00.004+08:00

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I hope it's not too late to wish everyone a very happy new year (1431H.) All of sudden I feel nostalgic and guilty and happy at once. To reflect back of all my deeds this year, I must say that I should apologize to this someone whom the heart was broken. I am sorry for everything that I have done to you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's not you, it's all me that I have decided on which path I am going to take, which life I am going to live, with whom I am going to spend my whole life with (if God wills) and too bad Andres, it's not you. I am deeply sorry for that. I wish we still can be friend. I'd love to have a very good friend like you. On the other hand, I am terribly happy that my life now is perfectly perfect that I have people who love me all around me. And it feels so good that I would not even care of anything else because I know I am going to have supportive people to get me through if ever I hit the ground, I could not care less of whatever disaster that may come across my way.

Ok, let's get down to my core business here that is to reveal (what? reveal? pardon me, my choice of words today is getting poorer. sometimes I think I've lost my sense.) a little bit of my activities that filled my holiday (which will end pretty soon, my god!) and I think pictures may help me do the talking.

OK, these above pictures were taken when mommy, daddy, my lil sister and I roasted the catfish at granny's place (tepi stor, port memasak ketupat rendang dan juga lemang time raya) The first picture is of course of my mommy and daddy and the second one is the not-yet-roasted-catfish. It's finger licking good, I tell you.

These above pictures on the other hand were taken when we went for a trip organized by UMNO. I happened to replace a place of a member who couldn't make it last minute. Therefore, I consider myself lucky because it's free that I don't have to pay even a penny. The first picture was taken on top of the Menara Taming Sari while the second picture was taken when I was on top of the Eye On Malaysia with mommy and my little sister. We went for boat-riding along Malacca River too but I didn't take any picture because I was just too busy listening to the explanation given by the tourist guide of the historical buildings that can be seen along the way and the experience is valuable; it made me proud to be Malaysian.

These are pictures of my friends (ehem) and I when we were out for movie trips (notice the "S". We just love watching movies. Movies that we find interesting jelah, of course, like Couples Retreat, The Princess and The Frog, and a lot more. Santau pun I layan haha. But Phobia 2 is the eeriest, spine-chilling movie for this year over. The ending was unexpected and fantastic I'd say.), out for sight-seeing the town, window shopping at the Jonker Walk, and of course while our coffee-break time. I wish not to put more pictures because I am not going to transform this blog into a photoblog. Lols.

Apart from those happy moments, I have experienced living without mommy (that practically made me an orphan. And disabled.) because she was away for a week the other day and ~~yeay~~, (oh no!) I had to cook for my family! Guess what I'd prepared for them? The all-time-favorite that is of course my lovely Sambal! Everyday pun sambal. Sambal sotong, sambal udang, sambal ayam, sambal sardin, sambal telur that made my little brother and little sister felt so stressed out. But what do I do? That's the only food on earth I am capable (and ahem, expert. note the word people, mark the word.) to prepare. Well at least they didn't die out of hunger, no? Should I put pictures of food that I'd made? ~~Yes?~~ No? Better not to la kan. Hehs.

One more thing, I've cut my hair off, meaning that I have a super short hair cut. And the good thing is I am not blonde anymore and my parents are so relieved that the colored hair is gone now. Sobsob. I wish I could stand the pressure and the urge inside of me (syaitonirrojim neyh.) of getting my hair colored forever. Amin.

The result was officially announced last week and alhamdulillah, I've made it to practicum. I thought I'm going to fail a few subjects but I was so lucky that I didn't fail and manage to proceed to the next level. Last semester was the toughest semester of all, I would say, considering of the situations I've been in and through. And it's agreeable by my fellow third-year teslians that semester six is the hardest so far. Speaking of practicum, it takes my breath away to think of what might happen and how am I going to survive when teaching is not my passion. I still have the list of "Things that I fear from practicum" that my Classroom Management lecturer asked us to list it down with me and they are unfortunately still the things that I fear. I wonder how do I teach a language. It's not Science nor Maths, it's English Language for God's sake! It freaks me out even more to realize the fact that my future students are all beyond the critical period, meaning that the ability for them to absorb the language had decreased unless they are already proficient. And I got to know from one of my lectures that the ability and time of acquisition of each student are unique. Ahmad who is a form one student might be able to learn and master Present Tense on January 15, while his classmate Ali will not master it on that day and Ali might possibly master it when he reaches fourteen. I forgot the name of the theory but yes, that's one of the theories that linguists proposed. How do I survive? How am I possibly teach each student with different topic accordingly if I were to consider the theory and how do I know who will be able to learn what topic at a specific time? I am dead meat, can't you see? And one more thing, we are still waiting for the list of school we are going to be posted to and it gives me goosebumps to think of where I might be sent off, be it a school where everyone speaks English all their life or a school where English is an alient language. And I don't drive, therefore, how am I going to get myself to school? I am a person with full of questions. Yours, till my questions answered.

[p/s: I am so excited that blogspot allows me to cross out words. I think it's a new application as I noticed at the above box. I feel so high-tech! And it's cool! Weehoo!]

Here and There, Coffee and Tea, You and Me. Oh I am so happy!

2009-11-30T06:10:00.002+08:00

Hello beautiful and handsome. Starting dah bodek. Haha. I've seen this phrase somewhere, can't recall where somehow. So, how's everyone? I've just got back from a one-week course for my pre-practicum. It usually starts a week before we go for our practicum but this semester it started a little bit earlier, I don't know why, don't ask me. This course had given me a lot of inputs be it on the real scenarios at school as well as the profession itself. Teaching is a noble profession by all means, no doubt. However, teaching is still not a passion for me, as for now. Worse, I found it's kinda torturing me to know that I am to abide by the verdict of the profession saying that females are not allowed to wear pants to work and I know some might say "what's the problem then? just do not wear it! you're not gonna die, anyway." oh yes, of course I'm not gonna die but I have this one weird dream (or so some say) that I'd like to wear suit to work. I know I'm impossible, you don't have to repeat me. But hey, that's my dream, honestly, and my best cousin said that it's OK to have this kind of dreams. Well, I have an approval, at least. And I believe I have a right to dream for what I wanna wear, whom I wanna be with, etc. It's my life anyway.

I've been at home for one week now and the break is officially on since then. Throughout this one week, I've been busy catching up with friends and loved ones here in my hometown. I went out for almost everyday and I totally like it. It's good to be with people you love and people who love you back, enough said. So, the list goes now.

Watched 2012 on Friday,
A Christmas Carol on Sunday,
out for kueh udang on Monday I think, (ye ke? or Tuesday?)
Wednesday was our ranger day out, (We went out for lunch and spent time doing recreational activities like canoe-ing, cycling and paddle boat-ing though we didn' wear proper attire for such activities and it was enjoyable. I'll upload a picture of us that was taken before we departed home. More pictures will be uploaded later because it's with Mimi darling. *kalau rajin hahaha* I thought of creating a photoblog to keep all my photos saved, so if my computer breaks down or if any unwanted thing happens, I'm gonna have all of them saved here.)

credit to ninie. n ira n udin too. adik-adik were entertaining. very. tq!

Thursday I stayed home, acted like a goodie-goodie person doing house chores (of course la because Friday's raya kan. cuma A and H jek yang nakal apakah kuar jalan-jalan balik rumah makan tiga jenis ayam. oppss did I say it out loud? Pardon me :-" )
Friday again I watched Ninja Assasin, (Yes I know It's eid. This year was the first time ever that my family and I celebrated it at home because granny's admitted to the hospital and it was boring because not so much people left here. Balik kampung they off. So that evening I went out for movie and a cup of coffee together with my favorite toast and it really made my day of course. Tq darling for your company. Everytime pun it's your companion I have. Thank you Thank you Thank you.)
Saturday's supposedly meant for a meeting-up session with friends for tea but had to cancel it due to a surprise visit for granny. Off to KL we went.
And just now we went out for coffee and I refused to further explain boleh kan? :P

You see, I have a beautiful life now. I refuse to think of all the stupid things that keep on bothering me. I want to retreat and rejuvenate myself. Toxics please stay away from me. Pretty please. To all the love in the world, thank you for keeping me accompanied. I really appreciate your existence :) Thank God to let me live happily up to this very moment. (despite all the bad deeds that I have done) Because my lecturer said it's hard to see people happy nowadays and he advised us not to ruin other's happiness, just let them be happy, and you go find yours. So, despite the downfall of the economy, global warming and all problems that interfered, I wish everyone happiness that long last.

A Comeback. For Good.

2009-11-04T03:40:00.011+08:00

Heyya people. It's been soooooooo long that I have not posted anything in here. Now I am back! It's still the same old me, with the same old look, (but not that pathetic anymore, at least not for now lah kan. Eheh) the one who would always have bad luck to have the HONOR to see people in the next car next to her picking their noses and she swears to dear god that's sooooooo gross! Euww (Suddenly I remember about an incident last week when I was waiting for my burger at a stall nearby, I saw a man picking his nose and I was almost thrown up! Oh please, boleh tak pick nose dlm toilet sorang-sorang kalau nak? (oh,,and please jangan lupa cuci tangan kasi bersih.) Geli tahu tak?

Ok Ok I am off topic now. Truth is, I miss blogging to hell, I miss visiting my blog list, and now I am left far far behind, of you people's updates. Pardon me for being soooo into my studies *puke puke to infinity* haha. I have got a lot to tell, mind you, it's really a lot, but I am still in my examination week, but still I want to post on things, so no choice except to cut the stories into pieces la, to make it short. Hehs. Good news, I've got a new computer! My daddy cool bought it for me. And it was a surprise! Terima kasih abah! I went back to my hometown a few days before raya to find out that a new computer was ready to serve me. Cool, huh? Actually my brother had called me earlier la, telling me that daddy called him asking about computer bla bla bla and he told me not to be a drama queen, not to cry-out-of-happiness sort of things, you know, and I was like “whatever” because I thought he was just teasing me. He loves to tease me anyway. That's his number two hobby I suppose. Loser! Haha. And then everyone in the house started to claim that they had contributed in influencing daddy to buy the computer. But I guess mommy was the one, because she told daddy that I was crying over it day and night (oh-so-crazy la) because my little sister and little brother told her that I was really crying when they read my last post (oh-so-crazy-little siblings-i-have.) Anyways, I have got a new one now, and it saved me lotsa time! Thank god. Thank you abah. Thank you emak. Thank you everyone, for making my life sooo great. And my hari raya was fun too, as always.

I headed a very hectic life this semester. I got the chance to do observation in school and it was enjoyable. Poorly, teaching still is not a passion for me, but I think I can cope with the students (at least with those I observed) because I saw my brother and sister in them. OK, I am being quite irrelevant here as my team mates said, but they were all young and funny and cute and entertaining to me. I wish I am going to have funny-but-brilliant students when I do my practicum next semester. I wish. Would you like to see my wish list for practicum? Oh surely not because I can guarantee you that would be deadly boring. Yawn.

This semester too, I did learn from my mistakes about life. The more I think of life, the more I understand that life is not that bad. It's just how you want to live it. And I think life is all about making choices. It's all about to be or not to be. It's all about to do or not to do. It's all about you and the options your have. And the choices are all yours. And I have decided on major things in my life. I want to be happy. And I am not going to look back anymore, it's final. All these while I have been wasting my time on wrong persons, wrong things, wrong paths. Now that I realized about it, I don't want to get wasted anymore. Thank god for making me realize. I actually have given it several thoughts before I jumped into decision-making. And I pray to god that all the decisions I made were the best for me. And for you, too. Like I always said, I don't want to waste my time on cheap men and rough wine. That's my favorite quote all my life. I know I sounded like "macam-bagus-sangat" but if you know me well, then you would understand why. I am just being me.

Ok now I sound old and boring. Boo. Guess what sexy people, I went out for a concert last Saturday and it was cool because we got The All American Rejects to perform! And you know that's one of my favorite band, don't you? And I bet everybody knows how cool they are, right? So, where do I start? It was raining, you can see there were raindrops on my tudung. We arrived there a bit late that day, therefore we had to line up for an hour I think but still we managed to fake smiles. I'm putting pictures as proof. Hehs. Oh I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you, you wanna touch me too is an addiction la. Swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crushed by a former love is my all-time-favorite. So does dirty little secret. and move along. and it ends tonight. and straightjacket feeling. and gives you hell. God, they rock, I just love their music! And Tyson too. Though he's kinda weird as all can see. Eheh. Overall, the concert was fine. Hell G-R-E-A-T I mean! :P But deep inside me, I was feeling guilty actually, I was thinking of lotsa things and partly because my aunt, uncle and cousin are doing ibadah in makkah and here I am attending a concert? Like “what?” But bagi chance la dekat I kan, once in a while to go out and have fun. Kan? Hehs.

Ok it's three in the morning and I think I have to stop now. In short, my life went well up to this very moment. Though I fucked up in my micro teachings, though I did not do well in my assignments, though I did not manage to answer my exams, though I broke hearts, I am still glad that now I have people in my life who would love me just for what I am. I am not the best student, neither I am a rich girl, nor a pretty one, I admit it, but I am having all the love in the world with me now that I don't have to impress nor convince anyone that I am a super great person to reserve me the right to be loved and I am thankful enough for that. Thank you.

[you can click on the image to get a larger image you know? And I just knew it and I think I was such a pain in the ass! oppss. please God stop my swearing habit. haha. poor me la. and one more thing. it's so amazing to discover that my-little-year-three-cousin has a facebook account. so do my other little cousins. and they were interacting with each other like adults did! they were engaging themselves with things i have never heard of in my entire 23 years of life and wow, i think that's fast and pretty cool, even i couldn't catch up so well with technology . or maybe i was just too slow and not cool? ouh the torture of technology. ]

[p/s: was it really long i have not logged in, long enough sampai banyak features dalam blogspot ni dah berubah? and i'm kinda lost here. how do i put colors to my words? how do i change the alignment? how do i choose the font? help! help!]

Dugaan Bulan Ramadhan

2009-08-27T19:22:00.006+08:00

7.15 p.m.

It's raining heavily outside. I have got absolutely nothing to eat. My computer is not functioning and I can't afford to buy a new one and nobody seems to care. Bagi sikit simpati pun dah cukup, I am not asking for more. I am emotionally abused. I have got nobody to go to, nobody to talk to, and absolutely nobody cares about me, not even the person that used to be sooo in love with me. That includes Andres as well. I don't get a single message through my phone and I think I'm going to throw them away soon, very soon, no kidding. I have got fuckload of assignments to be done, together with the tests, not to mention the presentations and those are torturing enough. I have got snobbish classmates who downgraded my friend and I and the humiliation was unbearable. [To the snobbish classmates, though you are among the dean's list students, that does not reserve you the right to underestimate other people. Orang lain pun dapat dean's list jugak, tapi tak berlagak pun macam kau. Nanti kalau tiba-tiba tuhan tarik balik nikmat bijak yang Dia bagi kat kau, baru kau tahu. Bila kami tanya kau face to face, kau buat-buat baik pulak. You suck million times, I am telling you now, bitch. You've lost my respect. I have failed the test by saying this in the month of Ramadhan, I know.] I simply had lost my patience and my sanity. I lost my appetite too, I hardly eat these days. I am in tense, I don't get enough sleep, stupid pimples keep growing on and on and on and it's painful, dark circles are now visible, I am feeling under the weather; having flu and cough and mild fever and people keep on giving me hard times. I am sick and tired of all these. Now that I wish I could vanish just like that. Tuhan tolong ampunkan Syahirah. But these are too much.

Home Sweet Home

2009-08-22T01:04:00.002+08:00

Holla everyone! I'm home! Yeay! It feels soooooooo good to be home. I have got a lot to tell but I am extremely sleepy now :( So good night. And do not forget to recite your niat. Happy fasting everyone :)

Very Quick Update

2009-07-29T15:00:00.004+08:00

Heyya. U know what, I forgot my password! Ah-ha! No kidding! I was visiting my blog list and commenting on a few posts. To enable myself to comment, I am required to login and there I stumbled, desperately trying to recall my average-long password. I have to sit back and relax, only after a while I could remember it. Betapalah lamanya tak sign in. Haha. I'd love to blog, I'd love to read other's blogs but I hardly get the chance to online for blogging purpose. I realized that my life is fully occupied with tons of assignments now. I have very limited time to socialize. Kesian kan? So friends, janganlah kecil hati kalau lama saya tak melawat blog kamu ya. It's not that I forget or not interested in reading yours. Bukan. If I have free time, I will surely go and visit, promise.

[p/s: It's such a lonely day. Oh I hate this part. Isk.]

Of The Happy Moments

2009-07-21T15:30:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I last wrote in this blog. I think I have lost my flow of writing now and the thought of it is terrifying me. Neither I am implying that I have a flawless writing skill but at least I was able to sit and write out sensible thoughts (and sometimes my insane thoughts upon things too) before. I wanted to make a few posts earlier sharing my experience getting back to school but I was facing problem with the connection that has made me to wait like a week. Once it was fixed, another problem turned up, affecting my computer and until now it’s not fully fixed. Shit happens you see.

And now it’s already the third week of schooling. The classes are all OK. Though there are not so many students inside the class I am in now because there are a lot of rumors (obviously of the bad things) spreading about the lecturers whose teaching my class but I am so much engaged to my classes now because I have got to get more attention and I am pretty sure that the lecturers would remember my name by the end of the semester. I personally think that it is quite unfair to judge the lecturers when you have not even met them yet, to claim them to have certain manner merely based on people’s talking. Please do not get offended, this is just my personal opinion. This is my way of seeing things, as always. I would rather be in the class first, only then I would not feel guilty to rank them to be either nice or monstrous. And my judgment is subject to change from time to time depending on the treatment I am getting from them. Yes, I am difficult. Have not I told this earlier? But so far, the lecturers are all OK I would say. In fact, I have started to favor a few lecturers as they are all young and talented and knowledgeable and beautiful and they have the qualities that make them to be an effective lecturer. (Except for this one lady, it’s quite true that she’s some sort of strict and scary. Haha.)

I don’t want to give emphasis on the dark sides of happenings in my life. Yes there were several things that I don’t expect would turn to be like that but it turned out to be like that, and I could do nothing to fix it because there’s no way out of it, and I think it’s going to stay that way, no regret. I would rather put the memorable moments here. So far, I am coping quite well with studies. No doubt I have fuckload of assignments that have to be done in short time, I am done with two presentations, I am submitting one assignment as I write this and I am getting a foreign lecturer who has a beautiful British accent that makes me feel like studying abroad, being friends with Kate Nash (hey I love her songs and her accent. But it’s kind of hard to make the accent into practice as I had mentioned before) to replace my lecturer who went missing (hahaha) for maternity leave and she will only be back in September. Hahaha.

I have had a lot of fun too. My friends and I went to Genting Highlands and we got the chance to stay there one night. Thanks to Rain and Zul for the hotel treat. It was my second time to be there and my friends were being crazy pushing me to try almost all games there and I screamed as if I was going to die when I got onto that Cyclone and a few other games and it was fun. I have taken the chance to try go-cart-ing too and I was the last person to reach the final lap and I think it’s still impressive considering the fact that I have stopped driving like five years now. And should I add that I like the weather there. I think I really need to be abroad now. Everybody can dream as they say, right? Hahaha. Here I am going to include some pictures that were taken there. I also got my cousin accompanied to her friend’s wedding and I was dying to see her house is equipped with elevator. The family is so rich obviously. They got the Upin and Ipin mascot too because the father is the owner of that particular company. Cool, don’t you think? I also went out with my roommate and Andres some day around and both outings were great. Andres brought me to a place I have never been before and treated me nicely as always. We always try new things when we get together and that’s what I like about being with Andres. Thank you.

I think I’d better get going for my Human and Development class at 4.00 p.m. My aunt asked me to do her a favor by helping her to sell her baju kebaya that she bought in Jakarta and I think I am going to put the pictures of those kebayas here just in case you are interested in buying. The materials are very good and up-to-date and the price is affordable. I’ll put that later OK because I am running out of time now. Till then. Have a good day, people.

Is He Really Dead?

2009-06-26T08:55:00.005+08:00

Eyy, what happened to Michael Jackson? Is he really dead? Though I am not a big fan, I only listen to several songs of him as a matter of fact, but I want to know if the news is real. I found this when I was meaning to check my emails. Shall we recite Al-Fatihah? As some say that he has converted to be a muslim with Mikail (or something like that la) as his name. If he has not, then just forget about reciting Al-Fatihah for him OK. May he rest in peace.

Shall We Dance? Because This Is Going To Be FUN!

2009-06-26T05:18:00.008+08:00

Semester is scheduled to start like ten days from now. *sob* And so, I was checking on my timetable (aww, feel like I am back at school by mentioning the word "timetable") for next semester. And I was so gay, (oh puh-leeez) to be having to get up real early since my beautiful weekdays will be filled with morning classes. Never in my life I have been a morning person, please take a note and credit to me. And I am too delight *gasping for air* to mention that Tuesdays are going to be my luckiest day, considering the fact that I am going to have seven (I repeat, SEVEN) hours of class that day. Geeee, thanks! I wonder how do I fix the schedule, to make it more sane, or in other words;

not to wake me up too early for classes,
to have more free time, (OK OK, I know it is way too much to ask for.)
or at least to have a more balanced schedule. Yes, I want a well-balanced schedule. So badly.

But I am going to like Mondays, considering the fact that I am going to have just a two-hour class which will start only at 5.10 p.m. Cool, isn't it?

[p/s: All of sudden, I am feeling nostalgic. And I do maths before I sleep. Therefore, I am a total freak!]

Daddy Cool

2009-06-24T06:46:00.011+08:00

First of all, I don't want you to think that I am complaining here. I am not. This is just a story that I feel like sharing at the moment OK. No offense :D

Celebrating birthday, mother's day, father's day and things like that is not a practice in my family (or should I say mommy and daddy?) I don't know why. Oh how I always wish that we would celebrate those special days because it never fails me to feel a bit envious to see other people celebrating those special days with their families. Mommy always says that would not be necessary and I always protest saying that she has lack of sentimental values. So when come those days, I don't really know how to react. Basically, I will act normal; not that I don't care; how I wish (deep inside my heart) that we could celebrate it but nobody seems to care. I wish to change this situation, maybe once I am working. I am going to have my own money to spend for, I wish to treat mommy and daddy well of course for everyday of my life, and extra special for those special days with luxury and love. Not to forget, the siblings too.

My daddy is the coolest person I have ever known in this world. I have never been scolded, not even once in my entire twenty-three years of lifetime. Pukul lagilah tak pernah (note: I hate guys who hit. So much. I will never tolerate.) Even when I was acting real cranky. You see how cool is that? "My father is my survivor." I do still remember there was a time when I was little, I accidentally spilled a bowl of pudding made by mommy which was supposed to be presented to the guests who will come to our house that evening and my mommy was pissed off (yelah penat-penat buat pudding anak pegi tumpahkan pula) and so she was canning me. There came my daddy who saved me from being beaten. We (mommy, daddy, my little brother and I) were supposed to go watch a concert that night but because of the incident; that daddy was siding me, and kind of scolded her, (Oww, actually I don’t know how to term it, my father never rises his voice, but you know when you got him pissed.) mommy was sulking and refused to follow; end up I went there with my daddy. Just the two of us. Best jugak. Hehs :P

There were times when I’ve gone real bad and mommy punished me by locking me outside the house in the mornings, afternoons and even nights; daddy never fails to save me. (note: my mother is not an evil mother at all, just in case you start to have a wrong perception about her. I was a naughty girl when I was little. I pernah jek lastik kepala kawan sampai berdarah. You see how bad I was. Come mess with me, I dare you.)

I do still cherish the good moments with my daddy, when we play the video games together (my favorite game was Star Force or so it called; a spaceship which fights against the aliens. I was so much into the space back then, and still do. Maybe I should meet Sh. Muszaphar for a piece of advice. Hehs.) The time when we watch the WWE,( I adored braveheart, big daddy cool diesel, stone cold steve Austin, the rock, and a lot more.) Mac Gyver, Batman, Superman and Star Trek together. And the Incredible Hulk (I used to make fun of mommy, saying that she’s going to transform into that hulk once she gets angry. Haha. By the way, I fancy him. Or should I say ‘fancied’? I can't believe that I was following this series before when I watched it again now. How ridiculous this story could be, I have just realized.) And daddy will always allow me to go out with friends when mommy doesn't. I will always get my 'freedom' through my daddy. Hehs. Sorrylah emak. Jangan marah tau.

I used to go fishing with daddy too. (Jangan harap ah I nak jerit-jerit gedik kalau campak cacing kat I OK. Hehs.) Among the best times with daddy was when I was in primary school where my biggest fear was (and still) to cross the drain. There was a small drain in front of my class, so daddy has to hold and carry me into classroom every morning. All of my friends teased me, saying that I am a spoilt brat for that and I don’t even care; in fact, I was proud that my father loves me so much. Abah orang lain tak dukung pun anak dia kot. Haha. "Biarlah. Kau mesti jeles kan. Abah aku memang sayang aku." That was a smack the boys (budak perempuan bersopan sikit) got when they questioned the act. Maaflah kawan-kawan, but that's the fact :P Even until today, I still think that my friends were being jealous of me back then. Haha. And there was one time where the small bridge to cross the drain was disrupted, (this is about another drain outside the school, one which is way bigger) I was crying because I was too afraid to hop and cross it, so my friend had to go to my house and get my parents to come down to pick me up and carry me home after almost an hour I was stuck there. Silly! I will always break into a small smile once I pass through it. Amused by the thought of my childhood years. *smile* *smile*

There are so much more to mention of my happy moments with my father. If I am to list it down, I am certain it would take longer than an entry. I feel really awkward to be posting this (I've never expressed my heart for the family. Loser.) but I would really want daddy to know that even though I didn’t wish him “Happy Father’s Day” I do treasure all the moments of my life with him. Though my daddy doesn’t own a private jet to fly me to where ever place I want as I always dreamed, (sorrylah abah, anak berangan tanpa batasan. anak kan memang suka berangan.) though my daddy doesn't own a hotel to let me partying in, (abaikan abaikan) though my daddy doesn't rain me with million of ringgit, though my daddy doesn't even celebrate my birthday, that doesn’t fail him to be the best father in the world. I am grateful to be blessed with a super cool father who leads our wonderful happy family successfully. Happy Father’s Day, Abah. I love you so much. *sob*

[p/s: I think my sitemeter and a few other features like profile views are not funtioning anymore. I was not able to view the traffic quite sometime now. Plus my paragraphs will go wild everytime I click on that 'publish' button. So annoying. How do I fix it? Anyone? Thank you in advance. Or maybe I should just remove it. *mode: tertekan dengan teknologi* double shit. tripple sob. wuwuwu.]

Quick Update

2009-06-22T04:08:00.007+08:00

Holla! This is going to be just a short and quick update from me, don't worry. I missed my blog's birthday! Hahaha. *straight face* Say happy birthday to the blog, everyone.

I tell you what, we (mommy and I) were nearly dead as our house was almost caught on fire yesterday afternoon. Mommy forgot that she was frying the fries, after quite sometime the pan was burning. I was shocked to death and mulalah panic attack and I screamed as if I saw a ghost. Don't blame me, it's my spontaneous act; it's either I'll be screaming with all my heart or I will stay still, and this time it's a scream. I do not wish to tell more of this because it freaks me out up to this very moment when it comes to roll back in my mind. This incident has made me thinking. I still have today when I can go teasing my siblings, ( hey I tease because I love :) ) get gossipy with friends, go outing with the darlings and do whatever I want to do but what about tomorrow? We will never know what will happen the next minute, hour or day. Therefore, I will try to make the best of what I have, I'll work harder this time, will be putting my full passion in everything I do. I do not want to have more upcoming regrets. Because life is short as they say but how 'short' is short, only God knows. Thank you Allah for giving us the chance to still be living.

I missed my second cousin's wedding too (whom I have known since I was thirteen. Have I ever told you that I got to know him from MIRC through SBP's channel? Speaking of that SBP's channel, it used to be my territory when I was in secondary school, I was a techno geek back then. Haha. We chatted like two years before we got to know that we are related; that he's my second cousin. It was the school break, and there I was, asking him about his plan for the school break. He said he's going to the granny's and I was asking him where on earth that would be and he gave me a word that made me fainted. It's "Krubong"; my kampung too. Funny, huh? We were close since then. And he's the second person that I know to have such a looooong name beside my cousin.) because daddy is not around. To abg zooul, congratulations on your wedding. May He bless you with happiness, amin. I missed the meet-up session with my best cousin too.

I missed quite a lot of things this week. But I have got a lot of good news too. And good news lagi banyak kot. Thank God. (That would be one of the reasons why I did not blog for these few days. Hehs. The toxicated side of me has been eliminated. Yeay! Haha.) Talking of which, I just want to get back to the "eight toxic behavior" thing since am and a few of my other friends were requesting me for the link. I have tried so hard to remember, I don't think this is the one, but I think this is quite similar to the one that I have had a quick glance at before. Please do not rate me into that "type one" OK. Hehs. Kindly visit:

http://www.womenco.com/news/articles/2577-8-types-of-toxic-friends

Have a good day, people!

OMG!

2009-06-16T19:17:00.004+08:00

Oh-My-God! I have been abandoning my blog like a week now. The reason being, why I did not post anything since last week is that I am too lazy to write. Plus there's nothing much happened. No wedding to be attended. Ow, actually there was a very big thing but I wish not to discuss and I prefer to put that on a hold. I have crossed a page on yahoo about "eight toxic behavior" or something like that which discusses on eight kind of people that we should avoid to ensure that those toxic behavior will not give bad influence to us. I have not read the whole article but I don't want you to think that I am toxicated. Because I have been writing the sad moments of my life all this while, I wish this toxicated side of me did not give influence to your mood OK. It's not that I don't have happy moments in life; I have a lot of it, indeed. It's just that I would prefer to express the sadness within me; the happy thoughts are hard to describe; they are more than words I would say.

Well I seriously have nothing to bring up here. Everything goes on like before. I mean some of my dreams still come true, and some did not. I am still enjoying my holiday, still pampering myself with long sleep but not that deep ( I found out that my sleep is easier to be interrupted these days. Maybe because of a few things that have been rolling on my mind, or maybe just because I have had enough of it.) I still have high level of curiousity to know of how my future will be like, I do hate cockroaches, still. And I still adore the same American accent more (but still live in the middle of it; still being indecisive whether to adopt American accent which I have been adoring all my life, I do mean the rolling 'R' or British accent which appears to have higher prestige and which we were taught to be living with especially during foundation year. Or should I say I do not have the courage too? Ah speaking of accent, I have encountered a few situations where I have to repeat what I was saying twice because the two of us (speaker-listener) do not speak the same accent. Especially when it comes to the foreigner. Oh this is my secret activity that should not be exposed.) I think I should have decided by now, and shall I stick with it for the rest of my life, or until I get bored with the accent since I'll be going to do my practicum next year. I ought to make myself more intelligible and ehem, convincing. I should gain more confidence (ey, what's wrong with my keyboard? Some alphabets did not want to appear on the screen though I have been pressing on it with a great pressure. This simply pissed me off.)

Let's just cut it off, two days from now is going to be the first birthday of the blog. This blog was officially activated on June 19th, last year with its first welcome entry. I should start searching on beneficial themes to post on its birthday. I wish to make a post on that accent thingy later. Will be back, soon.

[p/s: I have activated my myspace back. Feel free to add me up. You know how to find me, don't you? Oh OK, you don't. Here I'll be.]

I Would...

2009-06-07T01:07:00.004+08:00

really appreciate if you could send me an email (it's free baby, it's free!) or an sms (this might cost you a penny or so) or even an offline message through the messenger (I don't mind getting more than one, however, it's my pleasure) saying at least a simple "Hi" (or something like that) or or and a quick update of what you are up to (shall I add if you have extra time to spend on me) and the three words (if you really mean it, for the deep impact) to me everyday, just so I know that you are still alive. It would really help to make my day. Don't you know that how much I hate to feel insecure? So, would you, please? Make me feel lucky, to be living in 2009, (not 1000 b.c.) with great technology. Oh Please.

All-In-One

2009-06-05T17:07:00.015+08:00

Hi. Above is the book that I mentioned before. It touches my heart to know that my parents were looking forward for my existence in this world. On the first page was stated my father's name and the date of purchase I guess; it was on August 28th, 1985, seven months before I was born. Terima kasih abah dan emak, saya sungguh terharu. Nasib baik tak dapat abah yang macam dalam iklan Ambank tu. Alhamdulillah.

And so, I have a sneak peek (Luckily my mommy and daddy were not around this week; it enables me to have an ample time to read through the book. I don't think they are going to like the fact that I've read this book, otherwise they have displayed the book at the place that everybody can see it, takdelah nak sorok dalam almari, betul tak?) and I would say that the book is quite useful for a novice parent for a start. It covers from deciding to get pregnant up to several days when the baby is already born and those are stated in details. And some parts are enjoyable (giggles paling gedik) but most are informative. (muka serius ok.) I have an instinct saying that the author is somewhat hillarious too. Read this; "...unless she is feeling nauseous encourage her to eat and drink as she wants. Natural fruit juice and honey contain sugars which will give her plenty of energy. You should eat something too." (I quote this from a part of the book which falls under "advice for birth assisstant" for the first-stage delivery.) Don't you think that this line is funny? I do. Because the previous lines were talking about serious matters, of the symptoms la, of the help that the birth assisstant a.k.a the husband can offer to reduce the pain as well as to help stabilizing the wife's emotion, which appear critical to me, tetiba penulis ajak pulak orang tu makan sama. Tak kelakar ke? Orang tengah serius dan cemas ni kot. Comel jek.

Above were the pictures that were taken during the family day last month. (haha. last month.) Unfortunately, I didn't have the picture when we tried the banana-boat-riding. It was fun, really. Another wishlist is checked now :)

These are the pictures of my friends; zuhairi and amizanah, together with my sister and I when we went out for the movie trip. Tetiba tersesat pergi Pesta Sungai Melaka dan Muzium Samudera. Wish we have SLR camera.

And these were pictures from random occasions. The first five pictures were meant for my birthday celebration. (had three cakes this year. balas dendam for last year, no cake at all since my rent house was robbed on my birthday. Dugaan.) The rest were taken when we went out for movies (oh I love Star Trek since forever. and X-Men too. However Terminator Salvation was not a WOW movie. Too bad. Can't wait for Harry Potter and Transformers. Speaking of Transformers, it reminds me of a few other superheroes that I grew up with. Like He Man, Go Go Power Rangers--oh-so-cute-Jason, G.I. Joe, Japanese superheroes like Ultraman, Maskman, Flashman, Suria Baja Hitam, etc. I did enjoy watching cartoons like Carebears, Jem--me and my best cousin used to buy glitter stickers in star-shape, red in color, then we pasted it as earring, kononlah nak jadi Jem, haha, sumpah terpengaruh, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer, Tomatoman, Sailormoon, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, etc. It's so strange that none of my friends can recall watching those cartoons when they were little. Haisyy.) Apart from that there were pictures when we go out dating haha. Kidding. Ada masa earth hour, ada masa merayau-rayau sekitar ibu kota dan juga sesi ke perpustakaan bila nak periksa. (sebab kat rumah sangat panas. global warming kan.) I think this is all. Penat la upload gambar ni. technology is not my passion anyway. Take care everyone.

PMS

2009-06-03T20:14:00.004+08:00

Kalau tak suka cakap tak suka. Kalau suka jaga elok-elok lah. Susah ke? Tak mo layan, dah, tak payah layan.

p/s 1 : hey Mister, tak payah lah kau nak appear offline tetiba bila aku online. macam aku nak borak dengan kau sangat. kau fikir kau kacak aku heran kah?
p/s 2 : kau yang appear permanently offline kat aku pun takpa, aku dah tak kisah lah. alah bisa tegal biasa la bak kata orang. nanti bila orang yang kau sayang buat kat kau macam tu semula, nah kau rasalah balik. ye tak?
p/s 3 : sape-sape tak suka aku boleh blah sekarang. go to hell. aku tak kisah pun.
p/s tambahan : hey kau, kau, dan kau si mulut jahat, nak kena lempang?

I Think

2009-05-27T04:20:00.007+08:00

I have found my cure. Lately, once I feel sad and fed-up with my real life, I'll think of the things that would make me happy. Think of the happy thoughts. I'll absorb myself into my own fantasy world that I've created by my limited imagination (so basically my mind will be wandering around that boundary, neither that far, nor that wild anyway) as for example; will be indulging myself with the fairy-tales-life of going out with the man of my fantasy (already have a list of his characteristics but always meet a failure when it comes to describing how he looks like in detail. I fancy _______ people anyway. Is it wrong to have a fantasy? But girls can always dream as all said. A thing to ponder, hmm.) ; of the nicest treatment that I should be getting; of being rained by gifts that I like by winning a competition or so; of anything that I simply know (but hard to admit) that I am not be getting in the real life of mine. So, that's the cure, basically. By that mean, I can leave all the shit(s) for a moment or two. And throw myself into a favored situation or turn myself into a person (or whatever I like) with important roles to handle. Bukan watak pipih la kiranya, hanya watak utama sahaja. I don't know if it's normal or not and I don't give it a damn. (tapi sebenarnya tiba-tiba rasa macam diri sendiri ada split personality. aiyaiyai.) Like as for now, I am imagining yet assuming myself as a successful writer cum editor (like lalola. pengaruh tv kuat sangat ni.) then change into a billionaire (like Donald Trumph that not only I could buy myself a Mercedes; I could buy the whole world indeed, hutang PTPTN tu apalah sangat kan.) or a princess (in the white gown and the glass shoes)? In my dreams. And dream on. I know. I know. Saja mengada. Oh come on people, just give me a break, will you?

[psstt psstt. sekali ada orang tu baca. eh orang-orang. pastu kena sound seketul pulak. tak,,beberapa ketul sebenarnya. dah gabung semua jadilah cemni. "cubalah mengaji ke,,berzikir ke,,semayang sunat ke." errr *buat tangan macam nasyid sekarang* InsyaAllah,,akan cuba diusahakan : terima kasih ye kamu-kamu.]

I Should

2009-05-26T22:21:00.003+08:00

have known from the very start that I should not add strangers into my messenger list and should forbid myself from entertaining strangers by all means. Sekarang boleh kata padan muka kepada diri sendiri bila mendapat message yang merimaskan dan menyusahkan diri sendiri. Kawan-kawan rapat pun tidak busy body begitu. Oh tolonglah. I thought of making more and more friends, that's all.

[p/s: can't wait for Terminator Salvation to come out. and am looking forward for the first movie trip ever if the offer is still on.]

If I Could

2009-05-26T01:44:00.004+08:00

turn back time, I would like to be sixteen again. I am not going to get myself involve in puppy love because those are all craps. (my ex keeps on viewing my profile from time to time. motif apakah pun tidak tahu. not going to talk about him here anyway. wish him happiness all the way.) I am not going to get myself wasted. I would not have to spare myself for the terrible pain of break-up. (Well, who has not anyway, right? But of course it's such a big waste when you're only seventeen when your main focus should be put on studies. But it taught me to be stronger somehow. Should be grateful for the bitter-sweet memories. Note: Would like to clarify on one thing here. I won the cross-country when I was in form four not because of him as all thought it was, but it was because of the secret formula that Hannan and I had invented that time. But Hannan, I think we should revise the formula because the technique actually works the other way around. Beside the formula, we might had won definitely because of the all-out effort that we'd put, to constantly run that day.) I would stay in that good class with good people to study in (not that my classmates were all bad but some of them were. Ouch.) Will get good result, way better than what I got, and fly myself abroad. Meet wonderful people overseas and end up being what I wanted all these while. Comes the reunion, I will not have a single doubt to join the crowd and teachers will be proud of me, being part of the excellence. But it's too late now. I am all messed up. I fucked everything up. Tahniah kepada diri sendiri. I should have listened to mommy. ---This is my biggest regret among my other regrets---

But come to think of it, I should be grateful somehow. At least I did not end up wandering at the streets. At least not for now la. And perhaps this is the best for me. Who knows, right? Semua orang kata "You should make the best of what you have." I'll try OK, I'll try.

I Don't Believe It Makes Me Real

2009-05-25T17:40:00.005+08:00

Have problem with my computer. It's gone senile, or crazy, or so I think (just like its master. biasalah, ikut tuan. hoh.) Will be posting the pictures later. Meanwhile, feeling like life has got no meaning, because was doing nothing except eating and sleeping besides online-ing. Got mommy and daddy accompanied to wedding sometimes, by free will. Thought of going out for movies and fun but friends were not available. Some have gone out datings, some went for weddings. Mimi was busy studying I bet, it's been a while since we last chatted. Should pick up a few books and read perhaps. A blogger friend suggested that I should be blogging more often. I feel like too but sometimes have got hesitations. I don't know why am I acting this weird. Is it normal? Is everyone like me? Is it OK for me to share personal details in here without getting people talking bad behind my back? Maybe I should keep an online diary, anonymously. Well, maybe. Kind of cool, don't you think so? Having a secret identity, telling of the secret life of yours. Told mommy of my plan if I never get married. She said the idea is not cool. Boo. Met my senior from school yesterday. She came down here to my house. Have not met her for like seven years. Finished her master and will be pursuing phD soon. Brilliant her. Congratulations, sister! I reserved myself to be the bridesmaid when she gets married. Should stop by now. Need to feed the cats. Pity them, have got no master, they go wandering behind my house all the time. Feeding them is my new hobby. I'm no so into cats but they are all cute and so manja. Will come to me and gosok-gosok kepala mereka di kaki saya sampai saya gelak sorang-sorang sebab geli. (Sekali dengar adik-adik semua ingatkan saya gila sebab gelak sorang-sorang di dapur. Mereka yang gila sebenarnya. Hoh.) But the cats are naughty too. Will take advantage while we are not looking. Caught red-handed by me once akibat mencuba untuk menangkap hamster adik. Should be wary somehow. Hmm.

Randomness

2009-05-23T04:19:00.005+08:00

Hi everyone. Oh, where should I start? I have not updated for almost a month! My God! The exams are finally over, and the holiday is on officially for like twelve days or so now. I have nothing much to say here (Yelah tu. Tetiba kang dah panjang berjela.) Well, I do have like a lot of things to tell but I simply put a hold on everything. (Why-oh-why?) I myself don’t know why. Now are you convinced that my head needs a diagnosis? I simply lose interest over things (Oh No, not again!) And I have been sleeping for more than I should. Initially I was thinking to share of my adult-to-adult talk with my best cousin here but I am such a blast procrastinator. Next, I thought of telling my little chat with my brother but again I put a wait on it. Then, I wished to make an entry on teacher’s day and still, I did not make it. The latest one is my thought of sharing the family day that we had last weekend and this attempt was a failure too. Praise for me. Hoh. So now, are you ready to start the rant?

My cousin said that I should not worry too much about my future; the career to be precise. Said that I can try whatever I like and choose later. My brother said I should start thinking about it now. Kena sebijik “hotak kau” because the last time he asked me “Kau nak jadi apa kak?” and I replied “Ntah.” I told this someone that I may want to try to work with a hotel but that someone does not like the idea. Said that I’d better be a teacher.
Terasa begitu tersentuh sekali menonton dokumentari hari guru; (ayat puitis) to realize the fact that teachers had sacrifice a lot of things (of their time, of their money, of their energy) for creating successful students academically and morally. Hope it is not too late to wish all the teachers all over the world “Happy Teacher’s Day.” Terima kasih cikgu. (I have started to get the wishes too. Surprisingly from a few lecturers. Wow.)
I feel like seventeen when a nineteen years old boy asks my hand for marriage. Kidding. Feel like a sugar mommy because he’s too young for me, but still am impressed that he has the courage to ask and approach. Love at the first sight as he said. Comel lah kamu adik! (Yes, he’s so cute, no kidding.) Too bad that you’re nineteen. If you’re twenty-five, I might consider. Hehs. Kidding. Habis tu “My Perfect Match” macam mana? He’s a growing addiction that I can’t deny. OK, gedik! *malumalumalu*
I can’t bear with the fact that I have been indulging myself with too great a dose of sleep for almost like everyday! Yes, the fact is killing me, I do live in guilt for not helping mommy doing house chores (But still not changing yet. Planning to start a new schedule by Monday. Hopefully. Wish me luck.)
I get sun burnt. (And my heart is burning too; with fire red but now it's turning blue. OK tipu.) I am tanned now. No, it’s black. No, I mean I am having a darker tone now. My skin is exfoliating; the pimples are suddenly popping up. And my skin turned red. Dark tone and reddish and exfoliating with pimples growing every where on it and they are painful. Perfect! (Hasil daripada berkelah di pantai yang indah bersama keluarga semasa hari keluarga.)
Saya benci iklan ambank. Yang ini. Saya benci husband dia. Sebab dia buat expression macam to have a baby is somewhat stressful and it's such a burden because he has to spend his money on his baby. Excuse me. If that so, why does he get married on the first place? Sungguh emo setiap kali menonton iklan ini. I am grateful that my mommy and daddy do not think it that way. I found this book hidden inside the cupboard while tidying. They were waiting for my existence to this world. I felt so much loved upon this revelation. Terima kasih abah dan emak.

I think I should sleep by now. It's four in the morning. So sleepy. I'll put the picture of that family day and the book as well tomorrow, the first thing in the morning once I wake up OK ;) Good Night, everyone. Sleep tight.

Untuk Ibu

2009-05-01T20:49:00.002+08:00

Selamat Hari Ibu. In advance :D
Just want to share a video here which I think is interesting. My lecturer showed it to us once in the classroom and suddenly teringat pula. Mari mari ;)

The Talk to The Self

2009-04-23T04:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really do think that my head needs to be diagnosed. I am turning crazy!

[p/s: wish me luck, everyone. for the finale that will finally come, and for the future that lays ahead; to where it might direct me to. thank you.]

It's Like My Mind Refuses To Believe What I Am Saying

2009-04-13T14:14:00.008+08:00

Hi everyone. I am not letting go, yet, but I am starting to believe in things that I really should. Things like, maybe God has better plans for me. Well, maybe. Who knows, right? Everything happens for a reason; that was once told to me and that is what I believe in now. Last weekend, I had a blast. (Though it was not able to take the pain away, but still I enjoyed my weekend.) I have good people around as company. They made my life a little bit more fun and beautiful. Well at least they tried really hard to make me smile again. Especially, Andres. Thanks to you, Mr. Nice Guy. Though you nag to me like every minute of my every day dengan ayat-ayat seperti “Syahirah, pengurusan masa awak ni lemah! Lemah tahu?” or “Haih, lambatnya budak perempuan nama Syahirah ni bangun. Berabad kena tunggu.” (Excuse me. I hate to interrupt but considering the fact that I am having my menstrual, to be awaked at seven in the morning and went jogging is such a thing to me, OK. I hate to highlight the obvious but I was the earliest person to wake up that day, you know? Among the girls. At least for the second-floor residents because there was nobody in the toilet while I was getting ready and it’s creepy to be in the toilet alone, though it’s seven because people keep talking that there is really a ghost. Seriously! But part of me was enjoying the fact that I can choose which shower to be in because there was really nobody! Hehs.) Those “words of wisdom” that would piss me off sampai rasa macam nak calarkan jek kereta kamu, but still, kamu sangatlah baik hati dan memahami. And I know you were just teasing me. Terima kasih ye kamu. I would like to make clear of a thing; that lesson learnt. This time, it's quite a lot. And I also would like to sum up a few things and they are as follow:

Perfume is part of my life. It is my passion. It is me. Meddle with them, you meddle with my identity. So the idea of getting rid of me from the perfumes is somehow, ridiculous. Clear? (But IF, I said IF, someone managed to change me someday, that someone must be very special to me, of course. Simply because I am changing my identity for that someone. Uuuuu. I sounded so serious here.)
I have decided not to adopt my darling fish, Sofea (as for now) because I am afraid that I could not cope with the fact that all-living things will not last forever. Once the fish die, I will die too, out of sadness. Just like my sister. She is the toughest girl I have ever met but she still cried all day (OK, well maybe she was not really crying, as what she wanted me to say it here and as what she told la kan that she really did not cry,you see it's not cool to let people know that you're crying over things of your favorite, though it's kind of sweet, it's not that cool anyway I tell you, but she was depressed all day, it was reflected through the status in the messenger that brought me to ask her what happened then she explained) because her hamster died out of complication while giving birth. And I was affected too. Sedih kot.
We had a movie trip and I was crying for a scene in the "Confession of a shopaholic" when Bec was fighting with her best friend. (Oh, come to think of it, it has made me wonder who's going to be my bridesmaid IF, I said IF I ever get married one day. Of who's going to be my 'bestman' too. Poor me.) Because I think it relates me to my ex-best friend. That she was having a wrong perception of my intention without giving me chance to explain and only a year after she realized that she had done me wrong and it’s just too late to mend everything, we had tried to start all over again, but it never feels the same, therefore I quit. My thirteen years old friendship is now remained a memory. And yet, my most beautiful relationship with someone I really adored will follow. Life is not easy for me. It never is.
Andres got paranoid seeing my eyes turned red after the movie and I was pushed to put away my lenses as he said I will go blind. Duhh. And of course I did not tell him that I was crying for the scene (note: he knows what happened with me and the bestie. I don’t want him to start his sermon on me. And it’s too embarrassing to let know of a guy friend that you were crying for a scene in a movie and I just could not bear with the fact that they will be laughing at me for my whole entire life and they will be teasing me forever, just like what I did to my girl friends who cried for a movie scene. Haha. What goes around comes around, right? And tak cool jugak kalau orang nampak kita menangis. Sangat tak cool.)
I was sleeping for the first time in a movie. And it’s “He’s just not that into you” pulak tu, the movie that I have waited for ages to come out. I don’t know, whether it’s because of my struggling with emotions during the previous movie (yes, we did watch a few movies in a day, to catch-up with everything and to take me away from my real suck world) or because of it’s a midnight session, or (oh this is the hardest part) simply because it was boring. *rolling eyes* But I liked the ending for Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend in the movie. That’s soooo sweet. To see a guy who changed for the lady he has fallen in love with. Oh. Fairy tales, fairy tales! Stay away from me! You're just too good to be true.
And now I am left with my final work, research proposal, which I believe everyone in my class has progressed up to 80 percent and I am done with only 20 percent because I was just too busy learning how to put the pieces of me into a whole me again. Silly! The dateline is on 17th April. Therefore, I am dead! (tapi masih ada hati nak kuar berfoya-foya dengan abg senior yang akan pulang ke Qatar Khamis ini, dengan Dr. Qish yang baru balik dari Sarawak, dengan Cik Mimie dan Encik Zuhairi yang teringin nak pergi Mini Malaysia, cintakan tanah air katanya, dengan Rain yang sedang bahagia tapi dalam dilema, dengan Sekda yang dah tak berapa nak muda dan dengan Kak Ain yang dah lama tak jumpa. Apakah? Mungkin saya gila.)

[p/s: I know that I WILL SURVIVE, sooner or later. *cross finger*]

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry. Oh :(

2009-04-10T11:15:00.004+08:00

I hate this feeling. suicidal. damn. this is the hardest phase of my life that I was forced to go through. It's the least favorite time. And it will always be. And this time it's real. Fucking real. And it's killing me. I am damn stupid. I should not let myself to be carried away. I should not play with fire. I should not be fooled by technology! Yes. Now I am blaming the technology. because I am torn now. oh. kamu pernah rasa tak macam tak boleh fokus on things that you were supposed to put your focus on? pernah tak kamu rasa seperti hidup kamu dah musnah? (oh ayat apakah ini?) pernah tak kamu rasa sangat mengantuk tapi tak mampu nak tidur dengan lena? dan asyiklah terjaga. dahtu sedar-sedar jek kamu akan terfikirkan tentang burden yang sedang kamu tanggung ni, sadness that has got no cure ni. dapat imagine tak? Hannan and Fitt kata diorang dapat imagine. Kamu? pernah tak kamu rasa tak ada selera langsung biarpun dihidangkan dengan makanan kegemaran kamu yang paling sedap di abad ini? oh perasaan ini sangat complicated to be explained. "I can see the perfect sky is torn". Serius shit tak tipu. haisyy. mulalah rasa seperti mahu mati lagi macam tempoh hari. isk. kawan-kawan, tolong doakan saya tabah ye.

talk to me now I'm older

2009-03-26T01:28:00.002+08:00

It's my birthday!
March 25th, 2009.
welcome me, adulthood!
I wish to write a longer post but the babies are waiting for me, I can't neglect them too, though It's my birthday. Haisyy. My baby assignment!

Keinginan Saya

2009-03-16T21:46:00.006+08:00

I did not expect that my last post would be very controversial where it had become an issue through out the campus. People were talking about it, some were aware of the writer is me, while some were referring me as just “a blogger”. My God. Some people seem to go against me and my stand up to an extent where they took it personally. But most of people are sharing the same value, only a few of them are going against it. I even heard that a few people were throwing words like “Alah Syiro tu macam la bagus sangat!” [oh-ow, kamu ketahuan. Gotcha! Takpe, saya dah maafkan awak juga biarpun awak tak minta maaf kat saya sebab I don't give it a damn. Suka hati kamulah nak cakap apa kan. Like I fucking care.] and things like “Who is she to judge people?” Excuse me, allow me to clarify. I am not judging people. I am telling you now that I was just writing up my opinion and stand over things, in this case; the name-calling; the action of the presenters who called upon the target people in the middle of presentations as I view it unethical when the motive of calling is suspicious; which is to humiliate people [it seems as such to me, sorry.] I am not pointing to any particular presenter, I view it in general, that’s why I was mentioning “the presenters” not “the presenter” or “she” or “he”. This is meant for the people who did not agree with me---It’s just too bad that we don’t share the same values in life, so if you don’t like what I am writing; just stop reading and stay away from my writings, OK? [Oh, I should not be writing this pun sebenarnya. I do not owe you any explanation, anyway. The presenters had apologized, I did too (for the harsh words I wrote in this virtual world, remember?) and we had come into an understanding, therefore the case is now closed.]

Oh, tujuan sebenar saya hanyalah untuk memberitahu akan keinginan saya terhadap ini. Tuhan, tolonglah. Saya sangat mahu ini. Ianya sangatlah adorable. Saya hanya mampu cuba-pakai di kedai sahaja sebab tidak cukup duit untuk membeli. Oh. Saya amat kasihan :(

Name-Calling

2009-03-11T17:15:00.009+08:00

It's pretty annoying when your friends in front of the class call your name with sarcastic look on their faces posting questions to you, as if you were not listening to the whole presentation of them. The name-calling is really unethical to me, in fact it is stated in "Things to avoid during public speaking." Well of course we want people to listen to what we are saying, aite? But we are not supposed to get the attention by humiliating other people so that they will listen. We don't force people to listen to what we are saying instead, people should be listening by their own will. And to me, the presenters should respect the audience. That's how I view name-calling.

This week, there were a few presenters that pointed out people, assuming that the people that they called were not giving their attention to the presentations, including me. And it annoyed me, honestly. If you think it was meant to be a joke, let me tell you, it is not funny anyway. To me, the presenters do not have the right to humiliate the friends, as it can affect ones credibility. Would you be happy if you were laughed by your friends because you was not able to answer questions? Would you? I would not. I never will. Some of the presenters without a tinge of guilt were saying things like "Yes A, can you hear what Z was saying just now? I saw you were talking to your friends" and "I was thinking to ask this question to K because she is lost." What the hell? I mean WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? To judge your audience and humiliate them in such way. You are presenting your ideas and works of your own interest not things of our interest. Those are your passion, not ours. And we were there, giving cooperation and support to you, to listen to you with full of patience and then you treated us like trash? It makes me sick and feel forced to come to class to listen to presentations when things like this started to happen. (And should I mention that the people who name-called other people were talking to their friends too when other people were presenting. So what do you expect? )

I rarely sit at the back of the class but sometimes I do sit at the back, intentionally, to get how it feels like being the "back-ventures". Being the "back-venture" enables me to see the whole class and honestly, I think most presenters had wrongly interpreted the level of attention given. I can hear some of my friends were actually discussing of the topic when suddenly the presenters call their name as if they were bullshitting in class in contrast with people who pretended to listen attentively but they were actually doing something else, like completing their homeworks but they made it as if they were taking notes. I feel pity to those people who were giving their attention (including myself) and think critically of the presentations but somehow were wrongly interpreted by the presenters.

Let me give you my side of the story (there are always two sides of story, aite?) I was sitting at the back one day when there was a presentation. Then my friend showed me of the progress of our project and so I was having a quick glance through the paper when suddenly the presenter called my friend and ask her questions of what was presented because the presenter thought that we were not listening. (Though the presenter did not call my name, I was offended too because my friend was talking to me.) I helped my friend by giving her answers and they were all correct. We actually gave attention of what they were presenting in front, it's just that sometimes things pop-up into mind and there exists an urge to discuss it immediately, and so, we were talking, and the things that we discuss are still within the field of the topic discussed in front and it does not mean that we neglect the whole presentation. Considering the fact that I am an auditory learner, I am able to repeat back what you were saying though I was sitting at the back, I remind you. (unless if you have spoken too softly or I was really not listening la kan, obviously.)

To me, only the teacher deserves the right to call up the students' name because he or she is the teacher, not the presenter to call upon names. Teachers are of higher education level, teachers are of higher status and teachers are people who are in the position of directing, teaching, lecturing and educating people and so, they have the right to keep the class in control and to me, they also have the right to point out people to answer questions, to order students to shut up and listen. We students do have equal level in terms of status and education level, so it is inappropriate to act as if you are more superior to your friends. We should not opt for name-calling as people might be offended and simply lose interest to listen to us. If I were to present my work, I wish people would listen to me willingly and I will try my best to avoid name-calling, I would opt for a more general and leisure style of posting questions, like asking class in general. I will be asking quetions like "Can someone name me the factors that I had mentioned just now?" and pick only the volunteers to answer my questions or ask the class whether they are following me or not with phrases like "Got it, everyone?" without mentioning any name. I wish not to torture my friends and not to humiliate them as it brings us to nowhere, it would not bring us to betterment (at least not to me) because I am aware that we people have different world views over things. Maybe you treat name-calling as a joke but it is not to me. Can you see how it differs between one to another? I am not saying that I am perfect, that all I did were right but I believe that we were taught to respect others since we were born and we should make it into practice, should not we?

I am fully aware that issues like name-calling can give both positive and negative impacts towards students if I am to be a teacher in future and it is frightening and torturing me. Some students may perceive it in a positive way in the sense that they were noticed by the teacher; they like to receive such attention and once you call up their names, they will be giving more attention to you but some students like me, who hate to be called, where I prefer to volunteer rather than to be called especially when I am not ready, I am not willing, and I have hesitations to share of my thoughts or something, and the teacher calls me, and I was forced to answer then I was not able to answer, it's really discouraging and humiliating. That is one of my million reasons of refusing to make teaching as my profession. Being a judgmental person like me gives me disadvantage in the sense that it is hard for me to let go things that were done to me. I will judge people out of the hard times they were giving to me and the perception remains until they clean it back by doing good things to me. Just imagine if I have to teach difficult students like me (yes, I am difficult.) and I accidently said something that I should not be saying, and she happens to remember me as a bad teacher for her entire life eventually and she will be sticking to the perception. Just imagine. I do not want to be perceived as a monsterous teacher, I do not want to spoil my students. Maybe I was not meant to be in this field. But I am taking this course that requires me to teach, at least for my internship next two semesters. What should I do now? (Again, I complicate things.)

[ p/s: It's holy Friday and by the time I am writing this note, I am not offended anymore by the presenters as some of them have sent appologies to me. We are all human-being who make mistakes. I myself am not excluded. To err is human, to forgive divine. So, I would like to appologize too for harsh words that I've thrown in this post. I was writing out of my emotion and dissatisfaction. My bad. No more hard feelings OK :) But I am still going against name-calling, if and only if you happen to forget. ]

Update

2009-03-04T18:16:00.004+08:00

Hi everyone. I had just realized that I did not post anything on February. February should be filled with love all over the world, too bad that I had missed the month. Someone should take the blame for not making me feel loved. [My Perfect Match, I wish you read this one *mengade~*] Hehs. I am super busy this semester, of the assignments of course. So I am going to sum up a few things of my interest.

I am turning 23 soon. Very soon. Welcome me adulthood!
Another item in my wishlist is checked now. Yeay!
I had stopped driving since five years ago and still not driving so the idea of seeing me driving to class is ridiculous OK? And I didn't own a car. And sugar daddy too! You crazy story-mongers, don't be silly. And my bestfriend's name is neither Farah nor Linda. I can't even recall having close friends named as mentioned. Haisy.
I hate copycats. By all means.
I am suffering from severe coughing and sore throat, fever and flu. I've lost my voice. And tomorrow I am going to have a reading test of my third language class and so, I am worried now. How am I going to survive?
I have learnt that teachers really give deep impacts on students by all means; say it of self-esteem, motivation, etc. It's of my own experience being in both condition; having lecturers who are very supportive when you are giving your opinion over things as well as having lecturers who downgrade you though you have been putting tremendous effort on your work. It's so devastating to have such lecturers. To me, a lecturer should be the most supportive creature in the world. That makes me even scared of being a teacher, realizing the fact that the impact I might be giving to my students if I somehow fail to be a great role-model to them. Now I have decreased my interest to 20% [if you could grasp my hidden meaning.]
I don't feel at home when I was at home last weekend. Everything's changing, for betterment of course, but somehow, I was not as comfortable as I was before. Am I not resilient?
I have learnt my lesson of not to go against the rules as it really brings bad impacts towards me and people around me. I regret myself for doing so. And I swear not to repeat the same mistake over again.
I have started to feel annoyed of my public speaking class as it is irrelevant for me in the sense that the amount of works that I have to accomplish every week, of the amount of hours that I have to spend for the class [she's making it into two classes a week which equals to four hours but the fact that the course is actually a one-credit-hour course only. Got it everyone?] as well as the relevance of each task given. I don't want you to think that I am complaining out of nothing and please do not hesitate to ask for living proof.

OK, I am out of control. I should get ready to go to my public speaking class [it was meant for my co-curricular activities and I realized that I am not lucky in choosing the course. I always be in classes where everything is not enjoyable as it sounds and as it should.] And so, I have got to go by now. My next entry might be a long entry. Considering the fact that I am a left-brained person, playing with words is my favourite [though it is not my expertise. and maybe that is why I always mess things up *rolling eyes*] Bye-bye, people.

OK, tiba-tiba rasa nak tambah list lah. Sambung balik.

I noticed that for the more I wish for something, the further it goes away from me. And most of my wishes did not come true. Malang kan? Maybe I should stop wishing for the things that I want. Maybe I should just go with the flow. And maybe I should be heartless too. Left-brainer kan tidak emosional. Kan?
Some say I am revengeful. Well, maybe I am.
It's good to be noticed in class. I do agree with you, Moq A. It feels so good if the lecturers remember your name. And the good side of you, for sure. It's a proof that they are aware of your existence in this world. [bunyi macam loser yang hunger for attention pula. oh.]
I am revealing the other side of me here. The darker side that I wish I could display.
Perhaps I should eat so many lemons because I am so bitter.

It's 4.30 a.m. and I have early morning class tomorrow. I wish I would be able to wake up and make it to class. Dan harap-harap saya akan berjaya mewarnakan kasut dengan cantik dan jayanya, amin *prayhard*

Blurry

2009-01-29T15:53:00.008+08:00

All I can conclude about my life now can be sung through this song called blurry. (I think.) Let’s sing it together kawan-kawan! *serabut*

Everything's so blurry And everyone's so fake And everybody's empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someoneYou could be my sceneYou know that I'll protect youFrom all of the obsceneI wonder what you're doingImagine where you areThere's oceans in between usBut that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my faceEveryone is changing There's no one left that's real So make up your own ending And let me know just how you feel 'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I Stumble then I crawlYou could be my someone You could be my scene Know that I will save you From all of the unclean I wonder what you're doing I wonder where you are There's oceans in between us But that's not very farCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away? When you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well, you shoved it in my faceThis pain you gave to meOh,Nobody told me what you thought Nobody told me what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Told you where to run awayNobody told you where to hide Nobody told you what to say Everyone showed you where to turn Showed you when to run awayCan you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to me Can you take it all away?Can you take it all away?Well you shoved it in my face This pain you gave to meNOOOOOO!This pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayTake it all awayThis pain you gave to meThis pain you gave to meTake it all awayThis pain you gave to me

Oh wait! part of me says this song could describe the problem I am dealing now. Let's sing it along! *stress*

I think I've already lost youI think you're already goneI think I'm finally scared nowYou think I'm weak - but I think you're wrongI think you're already leavingFeels like your hand is on the doorI thought this place was an empireBut now I'm relaxed - I can't be sureI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I think too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI bet you're hard to get overI bet the room just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mindI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feelingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in youI think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - do I talk too muchI know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealingIf you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come homeCuz there's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

hehs. saiko kan? I have a lot of things to share but as usual, I always have moral qualms of sharing things that I consider myself improper or too private because if I were to share, people might have different views of me than what they used to have before they know what am I keeping, plus the secret I am keeping won't be a secret anymore and people will start talking of it and I am afraid I can't bear to live with it. OK, now I am behaving like a DIVA. I am a nobody anyway. Too bad that I have to care of what others think of me. So typical.

For the time being, the GOAL is really torturing me. Everybody in the class was talking about it. All lecturers were too, talking about the goal and the mission and vision in life, that kind of thing. (By the way, I am now at least being able to define and differentiate between those two words; mission and vision. At least I am not a complete loser by that mean. Well, at least when somebody asks me of the terms, I can provide a definite answer. That was part of my learning in Curriculum and Instruction. Credit to Dr. Burn for being really helpful. I like him.) And at least by now, everybody had seen their own paths, of what they want to do in life, who they are going to end up be, in fact some of them had known with whom they are going to be with for the rest of their life, except ME. Though it’s just a planning, everybody else seems to be very sure of their future, while I am lost and left behind. I am really tortured when I wake up every morning to know that I have no goal in life, that I always have to bear in mind that I ought to have a goal, go find at least one significant goal to be achieved then my life would be meaningful because sometimes I do feel that my life has no meaning. I go to classes every day but so little thing that I learn. I mean I am fine with the hidden curriculum, all the moral values that the lecturers were trying to instill were absorbed by me quite well but of the real curriculum that I have to master, I am quite lost. It’s not that I know nothing but I can’t relate things with my learning. I can’t see what’s the relevance of a few courses that I attend are meaning for. See, now I complicate things, like always.

You know what, I feel like giving up what I am doing now. Seriously. Those are so not me. I don't feel alive. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Almost there. I'd lost interest over things. I don't do things that I always do anymore. I didn’t blog for quite a while. Not because I am busy with school but it’s simply because I don’t feel like to. I left all my assignments, untouched. And the datelines are coming, very soon. I simply lost interest in life. I don’t go out, I don’t catch-up with people, I’ve stopped chatting, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio, I rarely surf the net. All I did was either staring blankly at the ceiling or lying on the bed. Hey, I did not jog too! That's really bad, OK. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should go get a life. Well, maybe I should just move on, and start all over again.

I Am Not Crazy

2009-01-07T00:25:00.002+08:00

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since my last visit to the blog. The last time I wrote in here, I was suicidal. Hehs. Now I am ashamed of it. *blush* Let’s not talk about it anymore. Now is the time for me to make a summarization over things. Mind you people, this is going to be a long entry. I am glad that 2008 is now over. It’s been the worst year ever. 2009 comes together with my hopes that are too many to mention here but basically I am wishing for again, miracles to happen and the whole thing to go in my way. That’s it all.

By the way, I was having fun last week. There were two separate occasions that made me feel alive. One is a secret that I could not tell. The other one is of course of the outings with the darling girl friends. I have decided to spend two days exploring Malacca. So the first day I went to the malls at the heart of the city and went to the ‘Eye On Malaysia, Melaka’ at night. I was filled with fruitful excitement till I cried in my heart. You may understand why I was feeling that way if you know how hard I’ve tried and how long I’ve been waiting to be there. It is included as one of my wish list. (I have this “25-Things-To-Do-Before-I-Reach-25” list and now “Eye On Malaysia” is checked. Thank God.) I actually had been waiting for the moment since last year but nobody wants to accompany me when it was operating at Titiwangsa. And over the time I realized that everybody had gone there with their love ones, and I was left behind. That’s so sad. So the moment I step on the ground where it is located, I was in heaven. I feel that way. Seriously. And the next day I went to the malls again and spent the night sight seeing 'The Jonker Walk' and the city at night. Here are some photos to be shared.

OK, I am now facing a problem regarding my sociolinguistic class. Last week my lecturer asked the whole class to create a postcard-sized ID consisting of the name, address, phone number, the GPA and CGPA, and also the goals, just to get to know the students better, said the lecturer. I do think that it's a good idea that I might be applying too if I happen to teach in the future. I was quite excited to create the ID card but to think of the goal again make me want to vomit. What? Goal? I am dead. I’d left all the goals behind, remember? That now I am planning to just go with the flow without having to worry of any goal to be reached. I am stuck with that thing up to this very moment and tomorrow morning I am supposed to hand that thing in. What should I put in that ‘goals’ column? Should I write “I am giving myself a chance to find my one until I reach thirty. If I don’t get married by thirty years old, I am not going to marry at all. I will be adopting a baby girl that will be named with a beautiful name like Marissa Sofea, and will be raising her up alone because I’d just realized that babies give me tranquility. The last time I was depressed, my little cousin Alya had been the remedy. (I attached the video at the bottom of this post just in case you are interested in having a look at it.) Then maybe I will pursue my second degree in the field that I am into all these while, I don’t mind if I will not pass with flying colors because my Science subjects are rusty, but as long as I have the chance to be in that line, I will be grateful enough. Or maybe I should have a master in management or tourism so that I can travel around the world. (Is that possible? To jump from a line that has got nothing to do with tourism at all?) My next goal is to own a Mercedes. I wish I could pay back my loan in five years time instead of fifteen years as scheduled so I could devote my salary for that Mercedes before I die, or else I will die with a lot of regrets within me, not getting married, not having my own Mercedes and so on and end up being a loser for my whole life. Oh no! But I don’t think I could make it in five years, considering the fact that I will be making only 2K in a month as a fresh graduate and quarter of it will go to my parents since I am spending their money, a lot of it, plus I am the eldest of four. I have a huge responsibility of everything. Then RM200 will have to be spent on the loan. I might want to save a small portion of my salary too for future use (if and only if I have a future.) as well for my other expenses like food and utility bills. And the list goes on and on.” Should I? Of course it’s a NO. Haisy. What should I be putting in? Think Syahirah, think!

One more thing that I’ve just realized of myself is that I am now being super sensitive towards things. Of what you say to me, of what you do, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, etc. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget too. Initially I thought of being heartless that I would not care of those things but now I am becoming the old, super sensitive me. Every little thing counts now. This drags to the change in my mood. My mood swings more often now. Haisy. I am also being able to tolerate with some shades of blue color now. In fact, I bought myself a blue scarf yesterday. I wonder why I am behaving like this. Is it a sign of adulthood? At this moment, I have a thought of being quiet again because I think people lost respect over the talkative me. (That's what my father taught my mother since she's a talkative too.) Plus I might bore them to death too. Maybe I should keep my distant. Perhaps I should be asking myself “Why on earth would they be interested in knowing this?” everytime I have things to tell so that will keep my mouth shut. In my research method class, it says that everyone has opinions. So I think there’s nothing wrong to share your opinion but for me, I am going to share it here, so that I won’t bother other people who are not interested in the business I am into. I will start being quiet by tomorrow. And be more optimistic. Hopefully.

I am off to see the wizard. Off to La-La Land.

2008-12-24T11:26:00.001+08:00

Oh saya sungguh rasa nak mati. Serious shit tak tipu.

Thank you to Taufiq for that “Laskar Pelangi”. It helped. Ikan saya dah mati. Memang.
Thank you to Dr Inas and Dr Qish. Thank you for the prescriptions.
Thank you to Aiman for the support and understanding. Man, aku nak ikut kau pergi Turki. Aku pun nak pergi. Bawa hati. Macam kau.
Thank you to Andres for always being there for me, though I am mean to you, at almost all occasion. You’re the only one blessed with the highest capacity to tolerate the dark side of me. Thank you so much. I am touched.
To the girls, thank you so much too to help me through.
To kawan-kawan virtual macam nasapollo,amknight,bimbo,choki (put your name here, I mean it, I am too dizzy to make a list now. Sorry.) terima kasih juga. Kamu sangat baik. I am blessed to have a circle of friends that truly care. Thank you.

Sumpah. I never thought that things like this really happen. For God’s sake! I always wonder “Eh, eh, cerita macam ni pun diorang buat. Agaknya terjadi for real tak?” But now, it’s happening to me! Yes, me! ME! Syahirah. Game over kawan-kawan. It’s official. I am a complete loser. Damn it! I think I should talk of it, but nothing much I can say here. Takut-takut nanti kawan-kawan semua pun nak ikut saya mati bersama. Mungkin benar kata Encik F, I should go for a Rational-Emotive-Behavioral-Therapy session. Oh I could not take it. I thought I am strong but I am totally wrong. For that I am off. To see the wizard. Off to La-La Land. Of mine, my very one of a kind. Take care everyone. Wish me a peace of mind.

Tag and My "oh-so-beautiful" Life

2008-12-20T22:35:00.009+08:00

I was tagged by Beedadary, a coursemate of mine. The name is very rare. And unique too. And she's beautiful, I remind you.

1) Do you think you're hot?

Hot as in? Be it hot-tempered then it’s quite a yes for nowadays. Be it hot as in body temperature then it’s a yes too. (Hold on to my hands for living proof.)

2) Upload your favourite picture of you.

3) Why do you like that picture?
Because it symbolizes the best thing that we can do with our lips as it shows. Ouww. But my most-favorite picture would be my display image at the profile because that was me back then, when I have not put on my make-ups, (Hey, no lipsticks and no foundation. No gothic-look like what I used to put on now. And no pimples too. Yes. None at all.) I didn’t know how to paint my nails, (and didn’t even bother to get them painted once I was having my menstrual of course) and I have not gotten my hair colored yet that time. So it was the purest of me. Cuba compare dengan gambar yang di bawah ni. Ibu-ibu mesti beristighfar bila tengok. (highlight : warna pada kuku.) Oh.

4) When was the last time you ate pizza?
Pizza. Pizza. Now I am craving for it. You should take the blame for matter’s arising. Hehs. Last time when we went out to KLCC during the examination if I am not mistaken. Why?

5) The last song you listened to?
Hate Me by Blue October.

6) What are you doing right now besides this?
I am having this tiny lil voice inside of my head. And it’s torturing me. And I was forced to listen to it. And so, I am listening.

7) What name would you prefer besides yours?
Sofea, my darling fish. (She’s living in my Friendster profile anyway, virtually of course.) Marissa. (My friends from third language class call me with that name. I've told them so many times that that's not my name, that my name is Syahirah but they keep calling me with that name for a reason. And I think I like it. The name is beautiful.) And J!Ll too. (That’s a special name to me.)

People I tag:
1. Kak Jamie
2. Qasiyh
3. Shirley
4. Linziana
5. Athirah

8) Who is number 1?
Kakak angkat saya di sekolah menengah dahulu. Beliau sangat ceria dan baik hati. Selalu bagi saya kad-kad yang sweet, makanan dan dedication juga. Hiks. A cheerful sister who made me laugh of everything, blessed with a loving husband I suppose and soon to be a mother. Will make a young-hot-lovely momma, surely.

9) Number 3 is having a relationship with?
Oh-Ow, I have no idea but surely she’s in one. She’s gorgeous I tell you. My schoolmate back in secondary school. Lama tak jumpa ni but when we were in the final year of school, she was madly in-love with this Muslim boy and I was once believed that she’s going to convert and marry him. Hehs. Akhirnya Evertonia yang convert. *OK,iamoutofcontrol.thememories.it’sallcomingbacktome.nowimisseverybodyinschool*

10) Say something about number 5.
The junior next door back in MOZAC as well as my University-mate. Another shopaholic. And a darling girl too.

11) How about number 4?
Again my ex-schoolmate in MOZAC. Trademark beliau adalah gelaknya yang unik. A shopaholic too. Tidak boleh dipisahkan dengan Marseli. Ada gossip dengan encik F juga. Hehs. (Opss,did I say it out loud?)

12) Who is number 2?
My junior back in secondary school whom I adore for loudness and look. And the honesty too. You rock, girl!

OK, I am tagging the people from my past because I am missing them all. I was peeping through a few blogs of the people I was with during my school years and here I got to see my cousin's blog with his lover. Ahha, Gotcha! But it was set to private. I wish they will get married soon because they've been together since forever and I just can't wait to see them together. (Sorry if the blog is supposed to be a secret. Don't worry, I am not going to tell. Count on me! *giggles*)

Right, all the people are having such beautiful life and I can't help myself from feeling a little bit like a loser. You know, the feeling you get when you have absolutely nothing at all in life, when you reach nowhere better, you have nothing better, while others are so happy with their lovely spouse, some are getting children, some are engaged, some are getting married, most of them are working with big companies and I believe complimented with handsome amount of salary and they are all having blast with their perfect life while here I am, having nothing. Maybe I should learn how to be grateful again as some say I should. I can't help myself to envy those with love surrounds them, especially those who are engaging themselves in serious relationship. No, I am not up for marriage by now. Marriage is never a play thing, it's not a try-and-error game. No No No. I am just longing for the feeling of secure, to wake up in the morning and know by heart that there is someone by my side for good and for bad. Someone that I can turn to. Someone that I can rely on. Someone who will never get bored of knowing me, loving me, and being with me. Someone resistant, the one with the highest capasity to tolerate with my ever-changing moods, with the spoiled me. Someone who will make me as the priority over everything else. Oh I am so carried away with the illusion of perfect life I am imagining myself having. I don't know what I really want in life actually. Suddenly I am lost. No, I mean I know what I am wanting for, it's just that I think I am not going to be able to have it anyway. Maybe I am too demanding. Maybe I am expecting too much. OK, now I complicate things. Maybe I should stop reading the stupid novels. Maybe I should stop writing. Maybe I should really learn how to be grateful. Maybe I should just stop looking at people. But anyway, I am very happy to know that everybody is leading such a good life. Except me. Chill.

[note : I am happy to announce that my ex-bestfriend is getting married next week. (Yet another person I envy.) We are now good friends, of course, just not that close anymore. My class will start on December 30th, and she will be married a day before. I don't know whether to go or not to go. Boo me for being indecisive. So friends, should I go or should not?]

Of A Dream

2008-12-12T15:34:00.008+08:00

I’ve got a pang of terror this morning. I’ve got a dream. A bad dream I must say. (Dream here again refers to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep.) Do you know what I dreamed of? It’s my biggest fear of all currently; my examination result. Here’s the description.

I was queuing up in a long line, waiting for my name to be called. (It’s like what you were having at school assembly when you were waiting to be called upon your great achievement in sports or academic field.) I’ve waited long enough to know that my name was the second-last person to be called. That time I was wishing that my parents would have had a glance over me and be proud that my name was called and I was on stage but I could not catch a trace of them at all. It’s OK I thought because I still can impress them with what I am getting. Once I was called, an enveloped was handed to me and I opened it with spasm of hope to be getting good news. I can’t help myself when the slip says I get 3.2 in the exam. No way! I should be getting more, at least a 3.3 and above. And so I was running back to the hostel; obviously it’s the girls’ hostel back in my secondary school when I bumped into Tehah my classmate now and knowing that she gets the dean’s list has made me cry. (To Tehah, if you ever cross this page, congratulations in advance.) I was meaning to meet Amalina to get to know her result, (We have had a deal earlier in real life of things) but she was at no sight. So I went straightaway to the “Prefect Room” and met Hannan there just to know that she's got the dean’s list too and she was organizing a quick party to celebrate with the colleagues with the dean’s list. (You see I have a total mixed-up of people whom I know of my school days and of present time in this dream.) During my high school years, Hannan used to be my closest friend whom I am comfortable to share most of my things with and she's the only person who knows most of my secret besides my best friend, of course. (who is now an ex-best friend to me *sigh*) And of course we exchanged secrets to be fair. Hehs. Since Hannan was just too busy with the preparation, I headed towards the bathroom and cried out loud. (Oh that’s very me. I would always cry in the bathroom or under the blanket. Though I am a big girl now. Shame on me.) While I was crying I was hoping that this is just a dream. It’s only December 12, not December 17 in which the date the result should be announced. We cannot have like a week earlier of announcement. It cannot be happening. You know what; I have a deal with this someone that I am going to get a treat if I make the dean’s list in this dream as well as in real life. I was absorbed with my own thought of how to break the news to that person, whether to cheat by using Amalina’s slip (Mind you people, Amalina is a top-scorer all the way, that we always be joking on me copying her result and claiming it’s mine to get the treat and I will be buying her sorvenirs in return. Hehs. But honestly I don’t think I will be doing that, ever in my life. I cannot bear to live in guilt for cheating just for the sake of getting the treat. Noble, huh? ) or to come clean. And I have decided in the dream to come clean anyway. Great because I have a few other things to sort out, I don’t want to fuck things up and get my life even complicated, if you know what I mean. And there my dream stops.

I wake up and feel a thud of sadness within me. I do still remember of this feeling. It’s the same kind I was having when I got to know my PMR result. I was building so much hope to get straight A’s but I was failed. Geography was really not my thing. (To even mention the word "Geograpy" here is killing me.) In fact it really is not, up to this moment. I am a dumb ass when dealing with Geography. Don’t blame me for that, I’ve put my 101 percent on it but still I ended up getting a B. Maybe it’s just not my luck. I still remember how my parents were trying so hard to cheer me up. They brought me to Mahkota Parade (just because I love to be there, though they hate to be there.) together with my best friend, oh, my so-called best friend (she got straight A’s of course, she’s fucking genius!) and we went to watch movie, we had dinner, a special one, altogether. But on our way back, I could not help myself, I was crying in silent (thank God it was dark at night) to see that Equatorial Hotel where my friends with straight A’s were supposed to be treated. It’s not that I cannot afford a hi-tea there but it’s all different when you get treated. The appreciation is all I am wanting for. And now I was having this bad dream. No, not again! I do not want to experience the pain all over again! Oh, please not.

I thought of telling my mother of this for the sake of getting approval, just in case it turns out to be true that that’s exactly the real thing that will be happening, but I have a tinge of doubt and the hesitation I am having is quite enough to stop myself from telling. Speaking of my mother, she is very dynamic where I hardly can predict her. Or maybe we can assume her as unpredictable. (Everybody that I happen to know is dynamic, except me. I am the only one who seem to be alienated. Static, that's what a person who is significant to me acknowleged me once. Oh, I am such a poor thing.) There are times when I am speaking to her to get her approval, (I’d rather term it into “speaking” than “confronting” because confrontation will always bring me to failure, I simply could not stand the pressure.) expecting her to tranquil me, there she is, nagging me in return and when I expect her to be mad, get angry with me, it happens the other way around. That’s my mother. But despite all, she’s made a very good mother. And she still is. So does my father, he’s a very good father as the matter of fact. It’s just that I have lack interaction with him since he does not speak too much, which I wish he does.

Since I am failing to find a single person to confide in, so here I am, blogging, telling all of you of my dream. My bad dream. You know I am obsessed with my dreams, don’t you? Earlier this week I’ve got dreams-come-true on a few things like my cousin Huda was telling me that my cousin Faisal is making me as his top friend in Friendster (maybe he has no intention of making me the top friend, it’s maybe just the stupid Friendster has got confused and set everything up) and my friend at school, Naa does add me in Facebook and both of them are definitely true. They are happening for real! I didn’t know why I was having such dreams. Not just ordinary dreams but dreams-come-true type of dreams. Maybe I was a bit stressed out. I was having such tough times lately. The little quarrel with the siblings. (I am at success of bringing it on up to today, I was putting this don’t-you-ever-dare-to-argue-with-me face on, all day and I was not speaking to both of them, the little sister and the little brother.) With the things which I considered resolved suddenly become unresolved again. (Have you ever been at one point where you are certain about things, important things of course, in your life like you have decided that you wanted to do this, you wanted to be that, you would end up being with this particular person but suddenly it changed all of sudden due to a few things that happened to you where you feel like “I have had enough of this” that now you are being completely unsure of those things that you are about 99 percent sure of before?) And a lot more things. My life is a total mess. I fucked things up.

I had been told once that I need to have a goal in life. And so I build up my goal. I’ve reviewed my goal with a few friends that I’d trusted for life but they said I must lower down my expectations since I am having high expectations on life. I can’t expect things to go on my way all the time which I am expecting it to be like for the whole time of my life and once the thing falls out its way, I am the one who will be suffering of frustration by not getting it the way I wanted. So maybe at this point I have to rethink and do amendments of the goal that I should have in my life. Or maybe I should not have a goal, I should just go with the flow like I used to live my life once, two years back to be precise, with having nothing to worry about, with having no one to impress, no set-up marks or grades or pointers or whatever-they-term-it to be achieved, and just follow where life might bring me to and pretend like it’s fine, I’m trying not to make it a huge deal, to make myself smile brightly and just to show that I am fine being myself, quite myself I would say, enjoying my life to the max, and not to care what other people might perceive me as whether it’s I am not struggling too much, or I am just a lazy bum, or I am just a stupid girl who gets her hair colored with no brain, or anything. (You just put it in a list, help yourself, please.) I don’t really care, I don't even bother back then. What you think is your business, not mine. I don't give a damn.

Oh that dream gave a big impact on me considering it might be my worst result in my tract record so far if it happens to be true. And I will be living my life with horror for the remaining five days till the result is announced. Haisyy. Ribena, anyone?

Three-In-A-Row

2008-11-29T03:38:00.009+08:00

As the result of being a great and successful procrastinator, here I am, posting a three-in-a-row tag games that I had mentioned before. I am done with reading the novel anyway, and I won't say it's the best novel (romance in range) that I have ever read (though it gives quite clear and deep explanation of everything which is good for an investigative type of person like me but sometimes I find it was quite distracting. Maybe that distraction was the same kind of feeling that Jack and my friends get when I am demanding for more details upon things. Sorry, I can't help myself.) but to my surprise kan, the novel has exactly the same way as well as the same place of how my dream proposal should be and the venue it should take place. Sheesh. Tak aci lah cemni. (I suspect that author must be an investigative type of person, just like me, due to her way of putting things that she explains things in detail and she has my imagination. Hehs.) And I really wish that I was that Claire that Jack is about to propose. At the London Eye. Drama. (Pardon me, I am one of a kind. A daydreamer I mean. I do daydream. A lot.) Enough of it, let's just get started.

OK. This one for SekdaComel punya. I don’t think that this one is sexy but I don’t know what else to put because I am running out of picture. Just got my computer reformat so I am left with only this few pictures.

Yang ini pula untuk DilaRaden punya game.

Oh I like that picture though it is a blurry image but I think I look adorably tall and gigantic. (I always think that tall and gigantic women are far more outstanding and stunning in comparison with women like my size, five-foot tall. Just my luck to grow such way.)

Perempuan gemuk tengah makan memang sexiness yang evergreen. Me, a few years back.

Pouty lips kan memang seksi. Kan? Hehs. (Oh. Ni zaman agak jahiliah, by the way.)

Here comes adik Qasiyh punya pulak. This one is the toughest. Perihal Tujuh.

1. 7 ciri wanita/lelaki idaman anda.
Baikhatipemurahpenyayang. Palingcomel. Educated. Civilized. Berperwatakanmenarik. Responsible. Tidakhottempered (hot takpe). and the list goes. On and on. Hehs.

2. 7 wanita/lelaki yang pernah anda minati sepanjang hidup.
DeanCain. RickyMartin. AkoMustafa. Adam the black Rangers from “Power Rangers The Movie”. Si A dari kelas 4 Omega 2002 (ohohoh). Andres. Tentulah Encik Jack (save the best for the last. Weee). dan Batman juga. DauMingXi. RichardGere. [saya tampilkan sepuluh jejaka. oh.] AnuarZain. TheRock. (OK now it's twelve. enoughhhhh! *screaming to myself*)

3. 7 perasaan sekiranya keluar dengan seseorang yang anda minati.
Terbang. Nervous. Excited. RasaTidakMahuPulang. RasaNakFreezeTheTimeBiarSceneItuSajekForeverAndEver. GembiraSudahTentu. Malu-maluSikitPunSamaKot.

4. 7 tempat istimewa yang ingin dilawati bersama pasangan anda.
I want to go around the world. Serious shit. Tapi Ferris Wheel wajib pergi (sebab mahu di propose di situ) and Spain juga.

5. 7 barangan/sesuatu istimewa yang mungkin akan anda hadiahkan pada pasangan anda. Diri saya (darab tujuh). (oh apakah?)

6. 7 tajuk lagu yang akan anda nyanyikan untuk pasangan anda.
That’s When I Love You by Aslyn. Stay by Estrella. Everything by Michael Buble. I Turn To You by Christina Aguilera. I Love You by Celine Dion. All the love songs in the world. Dan juga Potential Break-up Song by Aly and AJ (bila bergaduh. Hahaha.).

7. 7 rakan yang anda tag dan mahu mereka buat PERIHAL 7 ini.WAJIB!!mereka musti diberitahu akan perihal ini. hehehe. (soalan membunuh kan?) Mineralove. SekdaComel. Qish. Nad. Moq A. Aimi. Pakcik Luar Otak.

Sila kawan-kawan. Jawab kesemuanya. (sekarang kan cuti semester. hehs.) Have A Nice Day!

At Least Not Today

2008-11-25T21:37:00.008+08:00

Welcome me, hell. So at the age of twenty-two, I’ve been turned into an orphan. Practically, anyway. My father has gone for work and my mother was just too busy taking care of my sick granny at her hometown. And my other siblings were out with their own agenda. Like I fucking care. I swear I’d rather be at my rent house, taking care of myself and my own stuff rather than being locked up here at home and get that “shitness” (is there such word? If there isn't any, let it be just shit then.) back in return to what I did, from laundering to cooking, you name it, to all the sacrifice I have made just to take care of the siblings. What would you feel if your youngest sibling throws words (that I consider myself rude) that you by any way could not tolerate instead of “Thank you” to you? (Well as Malacca citizen, swearing is never a big deal anyway, but when it comes from people you are least expected to hear, it counts. Especially from one who is less superior to you. It does matter, really.) I feel like slapping her tight, right on the face but was somehow managed to calm down and absorbed myself with the book I was reading. And I swear I would never care of what might happen to her anymore. I swear. Well, at least not today.

When I read back my happy post, it was such a lame entry. Too boring. And I didn’t like it. I even thought of deleting it but to recall back on how much effort I was putting on arranging the pictures on top of it, I am afraid that I have to make it stay. To a novice person like me, it is quite something to have done such a wonderful work. Now that I am all alone at home, I thought of working on the tag games that I am left with but my mood has ruined. But still, I will try to work on it tonight. It’s hard to get myself online because we have to take turn on the usage of the internet because we are still using cable down here. My father bought the router like thousand years ago; it’s just that my brother was such a tremendous procrastinator who seems to procrastinate on setting the things up so we are left with this lousy-wired connection and the siblings are giving me hard times when I really wanted to get myself online. (Hey, I have my own agenda too, here in the virtual world, for me to do the things I was doing on daily basis, for like almost every minute of my every day.) The timetable they are having sounds perfectly ridiculous. And I don’t even know where to butt in since it seems to be fully occupied for twenty-four hours of every day. (They have it fixed.) Double shit.

[note: The second time I read through this post, I had moral qualms about posting of my little-quarrel with the sister and just can't help myself from getting the feeling like a complete idiot, for bringing it up here, a sister-from-hell kind of feeling, you know. And the thought of being one is terrible. But I need to let my feelings out too. I am only human. I hope you don't get me wrong. I do love my sister, of course, and my brothers too, but sometimes I just can't avoid the scene from happening, that's it all. We will get through it by morning, I am pretty sure because I am always at a failure of holding it on for long since I hate the suffering that I have to go through for getting mad at people, at almost all occasion.]

A Happy Post

2008-11-25T04:51:00.017+08:00

About a month ago, my sister has made me realize that I am leading such not-a-healthy life when we went out for dinner at KFC and she realized that I was eating the not-healthy-at-all parts of the fried chicken and she looked at me with a great shock on the face then asked me “Sejak bila awak makan kulit ayam ni?” I replied her with a blank gaze. And I was recalling hardly of the exact time when I get that bad habit; eating the chicken skin. Then I remember I started to indulge myself with those unhealthy food exactly from last semester. Ahha. Just because I think it is OK to have those once in a blue moon but unfortunately it became a habit then. I have stopped exercising too since most of my classes started at evenings and ended at nights, and I must say that I am not a morning person (have tried to be one before but the attempt came to a failure. Oh maybe I was not determined enough that time. Will give it a try again, some other time, definitely.) so I hardly found time to exercise. That was last semester. And so it applies to this semester too. (though my classes started at 8.30 every morning, I still can hardly find time to exercise. Lazy bum.) The continuance of last semester’s bad habits had made me gained weight. But to gain weight does not give me a goose bump because I do not give a damn, until my sister pointed that out, that I am leading an unhealthy way of being, in a few ways actually. So I think I am going to find time to exercise, and fix everything up and to stay healthy.

Oh, it's not what I am to write actually. This entry is supposed to be a happy entry; that I am going to write on happy things that happened to me. Once the examination ended, my darling Rose has decided to move out of the house so we went out as housemates for the last time, the three of us. I accompanied them to karaoke session. (I am too shy to sing in front of people, and should you note that video games, karaoke sessions, bowling matches are not the ways of how I indulge myself. I will dine in at place that I can’t afford to dine in everyday as one way of pampering myself; I do not mind spending on things I like, yeah, why not, I mean once a while, for you will benefit yourself from your own money, right? But of course I have to get things into plan so I won’t end up bankrupt.) Oh before that, I did go to KLCC in the middle of examination fever to keep my friends accompanied that they wanted to buy a few books for the literature class next semester and I managed to grab a novel for myself, the one that I am currently reading (but it was not as good as “Can You Keep A Secret” as well as “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” I am not keen to read it but anyways, I will try to finish it in the nearest time since I have “The secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾” to be read too.)

The next day, went to salon to keep the darling accompanied as she wanted to do rebonding the hair and I have had a haircut too, a retouch I should say so now I am having a super short hair cut. My friends like it somehow. They say I look much younger and some say chicky. I am genetically incapable of accepting a compliment, and had to fight back a nearly irrepressible urge to deny. But I managed to swallow hard and say "Thanks" with a tight-lipped smile. But to me, the new cut makes me look slightly chubby. Oh I don't care of it anymore. So that night, we went to watch “Impak Maksima the Musical”. I would like to thank abg Dex for making my dream into realization that we were the VIPs that night. We were seated at the second-front row and I could see the stage clearly until I was able to identify tiny spots of the show in which I am pretty sure that the back ventures would not be able to. And the show was wonderful, really. For some people, it may mean nothing. I mean, to be seated at the VIP’s row since it happens like everyday, but to a nothing-special girl like me who always get the cheapest seat, it’s such a big deal. I really appreciate that. Thank you, abg Dex. Luckily we were allowed to get in though we showed up pretty late that night due to traffic jam and heavy rain and I should thank adik Afif too for the drift that I nearly die due to the swift. Hoho. And I got to see Zed Zaidi in-person and took picture with him. (Let me clarify something. I am not a type of girl who is obsessed with celebrities. Even Siti Nurhaliza doesn’t impress me much. But that night, I think I acted like one, I do not know why, though I am not a big fan of Zed Zaidi, that I would prefer Ako Mustafa more, still I was chasing him for picture-taking. Blame the hormones for making me so energetic. And people, of course I didn’t make it that obvious that I really wanted to take the picture but hey, I got a picture with him, anyway! With the help of a staff of Istana Budaya that used to be abg Dex punya kawan, so he brought us to the dining hall and met the artist there. Maybe because I wanted to make one of my friends jealous since she’s a big fan of Zed Zaidi, that she never misses the “Sembilu Kasih” slot as far as I am concerned. You may blame the black side of me for having such idea. She initially came up with the idea of watching the show in which I have never thought of going to, but once I have arranged everything, she didn’t want to join. So I was quite pissed off. This kind of things always happen to me especially when I am dealing with the girlfriends that sometimes I think it is always way easier to deal with my boyfriends but I would always wanting for the girlfriends’ companion. For once I have planned everything, the person who initially came up with the idea would be unable to join and I am left with frustrations, and problems! But babe, it’s OK, you are forgiven. We had a blast. I feel sorry for myself for having such bad intention; to make you jealous, is quite cruel. Too bad that you missed it. Sorry. Jangan kecil hati, OK.)

The next day, I went back to my hometown with my dear cousin. The best friend of her is getting married next week so she thought of throwing her helping hands on things and so, I got to meet the bride and we went to the mall to do some surveys on the dowry she wanted to add. While they were browsing through things, I got myself free samples of skincare products that I think will cost me such handsome amount of money if I am about to buy them. Then we headed to GSC, (the new one which is located at the heart of the city) since the department of that kakak is holding a day-out with the client, so they included a movie-watching session in and I got the chance to join too. We walked to the mall from Mahkota Parade and the feeling I get that time was great. You just can’t imagine how much I miss the night-outs, the sightseeing session at nights would always be my favorite! The breezy wind, the scenery of the town at night, it is perfectly amazing! I got free ticket to watch Madagascar 2 together with free popcorn and soft drink. So I conclude that those three days were my lucky days. I am sorry if you may find this entry would be a bit annoying. I didn’t mean to show off. I just wanted to share of the good things that happened to me. And I think writing on happy entry is not my expertise, honestly. I may sound offensive sometimes, don’t you think so? But please do not take offense over it, OK.

So now, I am left with three tag games which I think I will be posting in the nearest time. Thank you to Sekdacomel, Qasiyh and DilaRaden for tagging me. It’s such an honor to know that people are remembering you. Hehs. Oh I love to exaggerate, don’t I?

It's a Girl Thing

2008-11-08T04:32:00.004+08:00

Hi people! How are you doing? I am fine here. Oh at least for today and yesterday. A lot of things happened these days. Someone (Oh I mean a couple) that least expected to talk behind my back, talked behind my back. Oh it’s OUR back, pardon me. People had lost their courtesy these days, I do not know why. I am not saying that I am the most courteous girl among all but I think I do not have the guts to talk of my darlings behind their back.

OK, let’s just move on. I had a real long catching-up session last Thursday, when we had finished our BEL500 paper. The paper was OK. I think it was. Once finished, we went to a car wash as my friends wanted to wash their cars so adat menumpang, ikut sajeklah mana mereka pergi. There were thirteen of us. It was great since we were not catching up with each other quite sometimes due to numerous factors. And you know how much I enjoy going out and hanging around with my girl friends, even to the car wash rather than being locked up at home and ended up boring myself to death. We went for lunch at a restaurant called “Restoran Mulus” and it cost us such a fortune. OK. I am not trying to exaggerate but the price was quite expensive in comparison of what we have as students but the best part is mine was the cheapest among all though I took almost the same dishes. “Mungkin I kelihatan seperti muka budak comot yang amat kasihan kot.” I have told my friends. And they laughed. Betul lah tu. Hehs.

I was then engaged with three of my friends, talking about blogs while others were carried away with news in the newspaper of a 19-year-old girl who married a rich man of 40 years old, given a Mercedes Benz and a million ringgit plus hired as the board members at the same time she has become one of the biggest share holder of the company, automatically. Oh, my friends. But we do not talk bad things about people OK, I remind you, we never did. Yes, we did gossiping when we gather but we do not bad-mouthing, especially of our darlings. As for me, I will stay away from your business as long as you do not mess with me. Haven’t your mama told you don’t play with fire? If you do not like me, or what I am doing, just tell me, but make it in an appropriate way, oh of course, or else I will cry. (Though I am fragile, very fragile as the matter of fact, to cry in front of the crowd is quite a No-No to me, unless I really could not stand the pressure. Cool isn't it?) So does Rose. And Yuyu too. We were frustrated to know that people we trust were talking at our back. We can always talk as housemates, as friends, as civilized people. I think we seriously need to sit and discuss of this matter. But at least I know now that I am a normal person; that some people may like me and some may not, just like what my counseling lecturer once told us; that it's OK to have people with different views of you. We are only human. And I personally think that to be both liked and disliked is normal and we cannot always satisfy all parties at once but of course we have to reflect back ourselves and hence work for the betterment once people started not to favor us. OK, I am a bit off topic now. Let's get back.

Since the four of us shared the same interest; that is to talk about blogs, of what people write, of our preference, of the benefit we are getting and so on and so forth, I suspect that those friends of mine do have their own blogs too. Beware friends, I will go figure. And will get to you girls soon. Along the way, my friends once said “Oh come on Kak Shiro, your life cannot be that pathetic. I have a different view of you and your life now. I thought you were happy. Oh come on, you must have good memories to be shared too. I am requesting a happy entry for once, at least.” I laughed. Then I told her “Darling, if and only if you know how my life is like. It’s not that easy as what you think.” I will make a good actress if I am needed to be one I bet. In fact, we are all actors and actresses in our own world, aren't we? I am quite reserved to those who do not know me well. I mean, I am not going to simply tell people of how my secret life is like. (though I am turning to be quite talkative now.) It will require me quite sometimes to build the trust and to be comfortable to share; though I have a lot of things to share, I am still picking the people to share my things to; the people whom I am comfortable with. And I think that is why I write a blog; to share of my feelings and things which I feel appropriate to share virtually (though sometimes things that I share would not be that beneficial to you people) and to express myself without bothering other people directly or to bore people I trusted to death. I mean if you are interested in my writings, you may proceed and vice versa. If I am about to talk to my friends, it requires them to be attentive to me and the story I am telling, and I believe sometimes even people who are close and thoughtful and sweet to me might be bored to butt in and listen to my business too. So here is my medium of expression. And I think I am more expressive when I am depressed. If I am happy, then I am happy. I do not really know how to express it and I actually like to fantasize the chronology as well as the continuance of happiness silently. (Oh, that’s supposed to be a secret OK.) I suppose that revealed the answer of why most of my posts were sad posts.

And friends, to know that you are reading and following my writings closely made me feel appreciated. Thank you so much. I never thought that you girls are reading it and interested in it, seriously because I write such bullshit. I write of the world that revolves around me and I think it is not that beautiful to amuse you girls. I wish I was special. I am just a nothing-special girl. But anyway, thank you kawan-kawan for the silent support. *sesi beremosi* . So I guess that my next post will be a happy post as requested. It’s 4.28 a.m. and I saw a cockroach under the table. And it managed to escape! I must go now because i have started to have the post traumatic syndrome. Take care.

Examination Fever

2008-10-29T19:31:00.005+08:00

To have a sneak peek at the question makes my heart pounds faster. Once we are allowed to go through the questions, I am already dead. I don’t know how to answer question number six which carries six marks. This means that I have ruined my chance to get an A for the paper. And not getting an A will bring a bad consequence in later days. OK, I need tranquilizer and for that I am leaving for a secret vacation [that I will be telling my parents only when I get back here. Oh, I have a few list of destinations which I have not decided yet. I wish I could go abroad. OK, dream on, I know.] Oh people, just miss me when I am gone. Hiks. And please people; do not get paranoia since I will be indulging myself in a right way of being not to go beyond it. So I will catch up with you guys later. I have like a lot of things to write in here but since I am just too lazy to carry my little nyawa ini here and there, I will just leave it at home. Plus, to get the connection there will require me to borrow it from my friend. To borrow things from people is very not like me. Furthermore from people whom I am not-that-close to. I do not mind people to borrow my things, seriously I do not really mind sharing my belongings [except for cinta hati, remember?] but I am quite embarrassed to borrow other people’s belongings. I will be borrowing if there is a real need of doing so. I do not know why. OK, I better get going. Take care of you.

Oh Good Bye Makes Me Crazy

2008-10-25T19:08:00.005+08:00

Today is like the saddest day of my life. It’s like it’s the end of the world. Sungguh Hari Kesedihan. *nangesgulingguling* What would you feel if someone you treasure is leaving and you don’t know when you are going to see the person again? Oh, good bye makes me crazy! I always have to bear in mind that “This isn’t good bye. I’m going to see them again, absolutely. It’s just the matter of time, which I don’t know when, but I am still going to meet them again.” It happens to me every time, when every one I treasure in life is going away. I can’t help it. Oh, I'm so lonesome I could die by now. My god, I hate to feel this way.

Tag

2008-10-22T00:50:00.008+08:00

I’ve been tagged by Qasiyh. Thanks to you, adik. The rules:

# Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
# Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog; some random, some weird.
# Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
# Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Question:
# Share 7 facts about yourself; some random, some weird.

So here are seven random facts about me.

1. I hate cockroaches. I have the ability to sense the existence of cockroaches. Yucks, they stink! Believe me, I am capable. I will have post-traumatic syndrome once I see them too. I will be extraordinary alert and will assume everything is possible to be cockroaches. For example, once I see a cockroach and it manages to run away, I will be paranoid, I will assume anything that passes or touches me as cockroach even if it’s my own shirt or blanket that I touch, and it will stay that way, for the whole night. Saya juga pernah beberapa kali tercedera akibat melarikan diri dari lipas. Mau tengok gambar kecederaan saya? So, if ever I tell you that I hate you more than I hate cockroaches, then I really hate you. If I say I hate you, I may not hate you. Saya memang emo kadang-kadang. OK, selalu sebenarnya. Oh Oh Oh.

2. I have dreams come true. Dreams here refer to mental illusion of images, thoughts or anything that passes through your mind while you sleep. And yes, my dreams come true. One of it was when I once escaped my morning macro counseling class because I wanted to have an extra time for my beautiful sleep. In that dream, there appears my lecturer and she smiles to me and she says “Syaira, kenapa tak datang kelas? Tidur ye?” And you know what, that afternoon I went for the afternoon session and there my lecturer happens to say exactly the same line to me, with the same facial expression and the same attire. Takut tak? I used to get to know my examination results a day earlier, of course through my dreams too. Seriously, I am not telling lie. Kerana itulah saya amat obsess dengan mimpi. Saya memang paranoid.

3. You just cannot imagine how I treasure things. I have a pair of scissors; red in color, (note: I can tolerate with any color except blue because I always feel I look dull in blue. Sorry, blue.) the one that my mother bought me when I was in standard four and should I add it is still functioning well up to this moment. My mechanical pencil that I am keeping with me is six years old now. So does my pencil case. And a lot more things. I keep my friends well too, I bet. I treasure cinta hati saya sepenuh hati juga (let's just imagine if I consider someone as cinta hati, whom I would give all the love in the world to, tiba-tiba cinta hati itu turn out not to love me as I do, and as he should. Tentu saya akan mati. Oh, naivenya saya! Oleh itu, saya rasa mungkin saya tidak patut bercinta. Makanya, mungkin saya tidak akan berkahwin juga. Tentu mak saya akan menjadi paranoid kalau dia terbaca entri ini. Saya harap abah dan emak tidak akan pernah terjumpa blog ini, amin.) I have an extraordinary sentimental value within me. I don’t mind sharing my belongings with people but it must be with my permission and with great care of it. However this is not applicable untuk cinta hati saya OK. It will never be OK to share someone you love. No No No No No.

4. I have a weird ambition, that is to witness miracles and it happened. (Biasalah, pengaruh filem memang hebat ke atas diri saya.) Then I moved beyond, I keep this ambition with me, which is to have miracles in life but I never get the chance to. Not even once. It’s like the more you believe it will happen, the more it goes away from you. Hidup saya sangat kasihan kan?

5. Apa yang saya cakap kadang-kadang tidak parallel dengan apa yang saya rasa. Contohnya bila saya kata “Oh, it’s OK. It’s not a big deal, anyway.” Mungkin sebenarnya it’s quite a big deal to me. You should be able to read between the lines. I always pick my lines because I care of what you might feel. Tapi perasaan saya juga yang sering terabai. Saya sangat kasihan kan?

6. Saya selalu bermonolog. Bercakap seorang diri to be precise. Senyap-senyap, oh sudah tentulah. Berangan untuk bercakap tentang perkara yang tidak mampu saya cakapkan kepada seseorang pun ye jugak. Sekali terkantoi dengan adik pula. Malunya! Tapi saya pura-pura tak kisah. Pandai saya berlakon kan? Saya juga ada banyak angan-angan in which 99 percent of it will never come true. I just knew it. Saya sudah penat menjadi seorang yang optimis. Maybe the time has come for me to be realistic. I am learning to let go. To leave all the angan-angan behind me. I think I should. (Betul tak, Amalina?)

7. I hate broken promises. Once you have said something to me, I consider it as a promise. I hate to plan things because I will stick closely to the plan jadi apabila plan itu tidak menjadi, saya akan tidak dapat menerima kenyataan dan akan beremosi sepanjang hari. Saya juga bercadang untuk kurangkan menonton kisah cinta because they are just too good to be true, and once I watch those kind of movies, I will start to fantasize that-too-good-to-be-true things will come true lepastu benda-benda seperti itu memang sedikit pun tidak menjadi kenyataan, at least not to me, jadi saya akan menjadi sangat emo sampaikan makan pun tiada selera dan boleh jadi menangis juga kadang-kadang. Tidak cerdik kan?

In conclusion, saya memang seorang yang paranoid, saya obsess, saya extreme, saya penuh perasaan. Saya juga tidak cerdik kadang-kadang. So stop giving me harapan palsu kerana saya memang akan percaya lepastu saya yang akan penat dan emo sendiri. OK, saya tahu saya memang naïve. Kan saya dah kata awal-awal lagi tadi. Saya juga memang emo. Oh oh oh. Jadi sebelum saya menjadi lebih emo, saya nak tag:

Zafwan, Carode, Naza, Rain, Zaza, Aimi and Ed. (kalau maklang and paklong ada masa pun boleh jawab juga.)

Cerita Warna-warni

2008-10-18T03:07:00.009+08:00

I’ve had a long chat with my girlfriends just now. We talked about life, about women, about men as well, of studies, of the things we are engaging ourselves with and a lot more. One of the stories that captured my attention was on a pair of pens. A blue inked pen and a red inked one. Those were given to my friend when she was in form five. She said that she could not catch the meaning behind but only now when she is twenty one years old, she could grasp the hidden meaning. Have you ever heard of “Pen merah, Pen biru, You marah, I love You”? There’s another version of it that I get to know today. It’s “Pen Merah, Pen Biru, Jangan marah, I love You”. That’s the rationale of the boy to give my friend both red inked and blue inked pens; to express his feeling towards my friend. She showed to me the pens. I was laughing and rolling on the floor. Comel sungguh! Kesian juga kat budak lelaki tu. Mesti masa tu dia mengharapkan jawapan, tapi my friend ni tak faham pula. Amalina oh Amalina (sorry that now your secret is not a secret anymore.) Another story that I think would touch any heart was about a guy who was about to propose his girlfriend. He brought the girlfriend a Secret Recipe cake with “WOULD YOU BE MINE, PLEASE?” on it. So sweet. If ever a person bring it to me, tentulah saya akan terbang melayang selama seminggu. Oh Oh Oh. Cerita kawan saya di propose untuk menjadi tunangan oleh teman sepusat memandu pun ada juga. Macam-macam lah kawan-kawan ni. My friend asked my opinion of the proposal; should she accept it or not. She did not recognize the guy at all but that guy was putting a lot of effort to get to my friend’s details, he's been searching her for three years until yesterday that he proposed my friend.

Well, to me, if you feel that he’s the one, why not? But before you decide, you should take a lot of things into consideration. Of the personality, because he’s the one you are going to live with for the rest of your life, so you ought to take that into account. That’s the most important thing to me because as I have said before, good personality works with me. If he has the supermodel look, then it’s bonus for you to have him. Career is an important aspect too. You cannot live with merely love. Tidak perlulah dia seorang jutawan, tapi tidak boleh juga kalau tiada kerjaya yang menjamin masa depan. Tak gitu? To me, we should find someone who is responsible, someone who would appreciate us, the one that would be able to understand the way we are and tolerate with it, that kind of thing, you know and I always believe that it’s easier to be loved rather than to love. And most of us agree with it, as the matter of fact.

Teringat pula cerita kawan saya yang di propose di tengah-tengah KLCC dulu. Wah, macam dalam drama pula saya rasa. Hehs. Saya ceritakan kepada mak saya, terus dia mencebik. Mak saya bukanlah seorang yang romantic macam tu. Tapi saya cuba bayangkan juga kalau tiba-tiba abah saya bawa mak saya ke KLCC dan bagi dia bunga di khalayak ramai, tentulah mak saya pun cair kan? Hahaha. Haisyy. Macam-macamlah dunia ni. Belum cerita lagi yang buat surprise birthday party. Untunglah bagi orang yang dah jumpa cinta sejati mereka. Tahniah buat Rain yang sedang berbahagia sekarang ni. (sempat saya pinjam bunga Rain untuk bergambar bersama. TQ Rain. LOL.) Haisyy, ulang-ulang cerita pasal cinta sajek. Marilah cerita tentang perkara lain pula.

This Sunday, I will be having an assessment on Apresiasi Sastera. We have decided that we are going to sing. For that I am looking forward. Saya suka menyanyi beramai-ramai. Biarlah tak merdu pun. We have not decided on what song and what poem will we be singing but I am looking forward for it. It’s like escapism to me though I don’t like the poems’ selection that we ought to choose and present it the way we like it to be. To work on things that we like after a long day is real fun. I love making friends too and I cannot live without my friends. In that class I get to know different people. Though the content is quite boring, but the exposure we get (a great opportunity to be exposed to the main campus buildings and the people too) worth the effort we are putting to get ourselves there. The pleasure. my-oh-my.

The above paragraph is a complete lie. (Except for the fact that I love making friends and the content is actually super duper boring.) Seriously. I hate to go to class on weekends OK. Then we are to have a test on the puisi-puisi yang I-don't-even-have-a-glance-at and the puisi-puisi that I-don't-even-have-an-idea-of-what-they-are-all-about pulak. Haisyy. I regret myself that I chose a completely wrong course that now I have to face all the consequences. Silly me. You know what, I almost caught into a fight with a guy yesterday, at the kopitiam, somewhere around here. (I have tried my best not to create a scene but he went beyond my limit.) He’s my team mate and he’s being bossy. He acted as if he did the entire job neglecting the fact that he did perfectly nothing. Yes. Nothing at all. Blahla mamat. Bajet best lah kamu! Ingat kamu pernah lawan komander dulu, saya takutlah dengan kamu? Ingat kamu lelaki tua kamu boleh buat sesuka hati lah? Ingat saya perempuan saya tak beranilah nak lawan kamu? Bolehnya dia kata “Hey, kan I dah bagi You questions ni tiga hari lepas? Kenapa tak revise?” dengan muka yang gila annoying OK. Hello, dua hari je OK. And I replied “ Excuse me, I have gone through all the questions and I think there’s nothing wrong with the questions. And why don’t you revise it yourself? Why must I revise?” dengan muka yang tidak kurang annoying sambil mata saya memandang tepat ke dalam matanya. Berani tak? Sebenarnya saya adalah rasa cuak, sikit jek tapinya OK, orang panas baran begitu bukannya boleh dijangka. Buatnya dia bagi penampar sekali, tak ke naya? Tapi kalo kena penampar, confirm saya saman dia 50juta. Serius tak tipu. (and that was the last time I look straightly into his eyes. Selepas-selepas itu saya tidak sedikit pun memandang ke arahnya lagi. Menyampah tahu?) Padanlah tu, api lawan api. Mendidih pula darah saya. Maybe because it’s the time of the month juga kot (if only you know what I mean.) What makes me real angry is that he throws the words to me in front of the people we interview, which I think, is very rude. Plus he’s not the one who created the questions. My other friend in our whole big group did that. Lepastu nak kecoh pulak. Ewah. I did the interview. Yuyu worked on finding the interviewee and she did the note-taking too. We both arranged everything. I have absolutely no problem with another guy in my team, he's cool. Sempoi. They did the photo-taking and recording. This cool guy was handling the main camera. What that mamat kecoh did was recording the interview session using his phone. Even if he’s not there, we still can handle the session. Lepas tu nak kecoh ala-ala project manager. Rasa macam nak lesing jek sekali. OK, saya memang emo. So what? We are on a project of Career Counseling. (I don’t want to write on this project. We have decided not to talk of it anymore; seriously it’s not our fault that we have to delay it up to this time where we nearly reach the end of the semester and to replace the project with two interviews on blue color job as well as white color job. We initially were assigned to organize an event with career talk in it. We did the proposals, we arranged the time, we did everything, and in fact we have three proposals which mean we have enough back up plans if the first project is rejected but because of the lecturer… OK, I seriously don’t want to write any of it. I don’t want to write sins here.)

And now I heard that I have to go to class on Saturday too. A replacement class. Initially it was cancelled due to I-don’t-know-why. We should have the class on Wednesday morning but it was cancelled. Then she decided to make it on Friday evening, then again it was cancelled. The same thing went to the Career Counseling class. Oh apakah? Next week should be the last week of class before we have our study leave and then comes the final exams. But I don’t think that we could make it in a week of time since we have a lot more things to cover. I adore my lecturers like Dr. Joanne, Assoc. Prof. Hajah Zaiton, Dr. Helen and my third language lecturer (let's give a big applause to them and together we pray that they will be promoted.) since they stick to the schedule and now we can breathe as we have finished all the topics together with the assignments and tests. Sincerely I think I will not be going to some of the replacement classes ( though I know it’s unfair for my friends were present when I present my teaching but I totally hate to go to class other than the time I should, remember? Sorry kawan-kawan.) I do not favor lecturer who does not stick to the schedule and scheme of work. But what can we students do to point it out? The only way we can express the dissatisfaction is through the evaluation form that we have to fill in; it’s of the condition of the classroom and also of the performance of the respective lecturer. I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to fight for it as I was taught to respect the teachers. But the teachers too should be ethical to be respected, I think. Baiklah, saya memang banyak komplen.

Lonesome

2008-10-10T13:59:00.003+08:00

Today I have just realized that I am a whole lonesome. I don't have any shoulder to cry on, I cry all by myself. I don't have any companion when I am real in need of them, I go all by my own. The day-outs, the coffee-break sessions are filled by me, all alone. I don't have someone to fetch me like all my friend do, I travel all along by myself. If I am in danger, nobody saves me, I have to save myself. I don't even have a friend to talk to, I keep all my burden with me. The world revolves around me would only be all me by myself. Rasa seperti mahu mati sekarang juga. Pathetic me. OK, I feel like crying now. Damn.

My Teaching

2008-10-07T01:48:00.003+08:00

For the first three days of hari raya, I neglected all my assignments and pretended that I have not gotten any to care of. I don’t even bother to have a look at them. I just wanted to enjoy my raya days to the fullest. As the result of being such a great procrastinator, I did not sleep in order to finish up my lesson plan and I have presented it in class just now. I was the first presenter ever because my friend whom suppose to present on listening was absent (we are supposed to start with teaching listening first followed by teaching speaking) so I became the lucky number one. My God! I was nervous like hell but it’s so weird that I was not shaking like always (but I guess the whole class could tell that I was nervous because my face turned pale the moment I spoke up. Blush, I couldn’t help myself. I think I should start wearing lipstick whenever I need to do the teaching. Hehs.) Luckily I have not mispronounced my words (this is my biggest fear. I always worry if the things I have planned to say do not come out like what it should be, because it happened once during my foundation year then I will be embarrassed and my face will turn red and the whole world will know that something went wrong with me. It's out of my control, I swear. If I can ever take control of that, it will be great. Anybody knows how to overcome it? Would you please share with me? Thank you) and it turned out to be just an average I must say. But to be the first gave me advantage (of course the disadvantage too that I do not wish to mention it, I am becoming a whole optimistic here) that the whole class was paying their full attention so I did not encounter with so much problems in terms of capturing the attention but I am quite embarrassed to get a full attention from the whole class, I am a 50 percent introvert kind of person but I am pushing myself to be an extrovert now. So to cope with such attention may require me some time to enable me to make an adjustment to that. And to be called a “teacher” is quite a pressure to me. That title comes together with a big responsibility (however not with a big amount of salary. Why? I wonder) that is not easy to carry where everybody is putting the hope on you. As a teacher too, you ought to behave all the time since you are the role model of your students. Enough saying, I don’t want to pressure myself now. Let’s pretend that I am OK with that fact.

Once I finished with my teaching, I got a note from a member of my class but I have no idea where on earth the note came from. I have uploaded the note on top of this post (because I don't know how to move it to the bottom or to the middle part of the post. Silly me. Blush.) if and only if you wish to have a look at it. I take it as a compliment. So sweet. (though I know I did it not-that-perfect but it was not-that-bad though and I guess that person just wanted to cheer me up.) To the writer of the note, I would like to say thank you. I really appreciate your effort to send me that tiny little thing. Though it's just a piece of paper, you have really made my day. (and you should know how I treasure things. I have this super-extra sentimental values within me that lately I have become super sensitive out of I-don't-know-why. I feel like I am no longer flexible, but I will try to be one back, very soon. I don't want to feel like a loser anymore. Now I went off the topic. I should not mention it here. Today is supposed to be my day. Haisyy. ) So tonight I can sleep and rest peacefully. I feel good and relief that I have completed like three-quarter of my assignments. I am now left with my third language assessments, my mock meeting, and my creative project together with my PTE project. Thank God.

My Days

2008-10-07T00:48:00.006+08:00

Hi people,

It seems like quite a long time I have not written anything in here. To Qasiyh, thank you for tagging me. I will post it once I have done with my individual oral test within this week. So now I would like to write on my Hari Raya celebration as well as my Micro Teaching for Listening and Speaking, but I will make it into two different posts. Before I proceed, I hope it’s not too late to wish all of you my dear readers a Happy Hari Raya. I would like to apologize for all my wrong deeds. You are all invited to come to my house but please do call me first just to ensure that I’m home.

OK, my raya was not-that-bad. Though I don’t have any new outfit, it went well I should say. I mixed and matched to make it presentable and it turned out to be just-fine. It does not really matter to me now. What is more important about raya to me is that we can gather the families and sit down together and apologize to one another and share the whole story to catch up with each other. The gossip session will always be my favorite. This time it was made into a balanced session where we have gossips from all over the world, starting from the teasing among the family members (we made it into a funny way in which I think no one was offended by all the jokes, if any did, that person was just being sensitive because as far as I am concerned, the families were not saying anything bad about one another, it’s just that the havoc that they made and you should know how Malaccans are to be like and I bet everyone in the family is able to tolerate the language we are using. hehs) the gossips of the artists within Malaysia and worldwide (in which they have absolutely nothing to do with us, we were just being nosy, hehs) up to the stories of the prophets as the closing and a little bit of religious stuff. So I conclude that my big family is an all-rounded that we can always discuss on matters arising regardless of anything. I seriously mean anything. And I am glad that I was born in such a family that we always treasure this precious relationship that we are having.

So now I will write on the things that I did during Hari Raya accordingly.

A day before Raya:
We cooked lemang, ketupat, rendang, and this year my father added up another menu in the list that is nasi beriani. I took part in cleaning the vegetables (buangkan ekor taugeh, dua plastik besar OK, just to develop a sense of belonging to the kitchen) and blending the chillies, the onions and the spices (under my mother's supervision of course. It's such a shame for a 22-year-old-lady not to master the housechores, I have to admit that, but I am quite a fast learner you know, gegege) for buka puasa that night. After berbuka, I followed my mother and aunties for coffee and it was on Mak Uda, like always. Once we have finished with the coffee-break, the whole family did the recitation of takbir raya and the tahlil for our beloved late grandfather. Then the ladies continued with the cooking of nasi beriani (I was told that my mother and the aunties slept at 5 in the morning. Of course that nasi beriani was marvelous. Thank you mak and auntie semua and abah and uncles to make it into realization.)

1st day Raya:
We went to the mosque to perform the Raya prayer and together to the cemetery. Once we reached home, we dined together and the salam-salam session took place. Then we gathered for a family portrait (Above pictures are the family portraits I meant.) We then headed to the neighbors’ place and the relatives'. That night we had our gossip session. It was fun, really.

2nd day Raya:
We went for a family gathering as always where our annual sponsor ; Mak Uda and Pak Uda who initially came out with this idea a few years back that we will be having an annual gathering and will be dining in somewhere together on the second or third day of hari raya. This year we had it at the Holiday Inn, Malacca. It was happening. The beautiful scenery, the delicious food, the fantastic family completed my day. We took pictures together there too but I have not gotten the copy yet. I will be posting it once I get it, insyaAllah. That night we went to Mak Lang’s and Pak Lang’s house for again a gathering as well as the recitation of Yasin and tahlil for our beloved late grandfather. The makan-makan was marvelous. My cousin and I were enjoying Mak Lang’s cooking to the fullest. Thank you Mak Lang and Pak Lang and Abang Alum juga.

3rd day Raya:
I went off to my grandparents’ house on my mother’s side. There, it was a plain raya that my grandmother is sick that we could not make so much noise. Furthermore, my relatives were not there, all of them, so I did not get the chance to meet any of them as for they were away for their other commitment. I had only met my two cousins together with my grandparents. It’s so sad to see my grandmother who used to be cheerful and fun-to-be-with (seriously because she used to be talkative and I’d really love to listen to all her stories) now just laid on the bad. She had gone senile too that she turned to be childish. I went back to my hometown on 5th day Raya morning and went back to my place that night and was stuck in traffic jam hence I reached home almost midnight. No choice, it's hari raya.

Oh Monday Is Being Cruel To Me

2008-09-22T20:13:00.005+08:00

I am not in the mood for any conversation since every body seems not to understand what I am going through. Siap kata "takpe takpe, chill. Shiro kan tabah." Gila! My day started up at 2pm. (We did escape the morning class; the PTE class since we were too lazy to listen to the whole same thing over and over again and I heard that Dr. C will be going to deduct marks for the absentee. Oh Great. But Dr. C is really a nice lecturer, I mean he is not a fussy and lousy one, he smiles all the time, neglecting the fact that he favors me in the sense that I is a must for him to ask question for every Monday morning session, regardless how much attention I was paying to his lecture or not at all, I will never been excluded as the target, and no matter where I place my self, either the front row, the middle or as the back ventures. Oh kenapakah? he is really a sweetheart, it’s just that the subject he is teaching is just too boring and he might be forgotten that he had told us the story of Institut Aminuddin Baki, the Ustaz Department, the Universiti Malaya thing all the way that I am able to repeat back to you of the whole story. Try me.) I have had my presentation for my Career Counseling on Career Guidance Program in Higher Learning Institution and it went well. Then I attended my Micro Teaching for Listening and Speaking; MTLS class and it started well.

We had a short break at 5pm to perform the prayer and when I got back to class, they were about to start to take turn for the micro teaching session and I have got to be the second presenter (I was assigned to teach speaking) and I have absolutely no problem with that, at all because I believe that sooner or later I ought to present it, so the turn doesn’t matter. But since we have a few students that happened to absent today, my lecturer was being so nice and considerate, that she wanted to make them to present in the later session. Here the problem aroused when my class representative asked for the literature students to volunteer themselves to do it in earlier part since they will dismiss from class earlier than us, the counseling students, as for they will be having a literature class at 6pm but they refused to volunteer. Then the name-calling began. They asked a student of literature, Miss A to be the first (which to me it does not make any difference since she is the third person to present, they should call for the later turn say number twelve onwards.) but she refused too. So the boyfriend of Miss A pointed out my name to be the first. “Apa kata kita bagi Shiro first, sebab dia second, it does not make any difference.” Oh thank you Encik F. Kamu sungguh cool. Untuk selamatkan girlfriend kamu, kamu menjadikan saya mangsa. Memang style dan cool lah kamu! Berbanyak terima kasih. And so, the whole class asked me to go first and suddenly I became the center of attention that everybody is putting their hope on me. I seriously have no objection to that, because it absolutely fine with me, it’s just that I feel like that Encik F is violating me. He should not point out my name just to save his girl friend. That’s really cruel of him. Keji!

I don’t have a boyfriend to step up for me like that and should I say that I do not need my boyfriend to save me, I can handle it myself. I saved myself by being the first to do the micro teaching. It’s not a big deal at all. And even if I have a boyfriend to save me just like that, I won’t allow him to do so because it’s not proper to be that selfish. If he wanted to save the girlfriend, it will be nicer if he volunteers himself to take the responsibility, not by pointing at me. We don’t point at people to save ourselves. I am not that perfect though but yes, that’s my value I treasure all this while. (Harap-harap encik itu faham that I was being sarcastic by saying Thank you out loud to the whole class and giving him the sweetest cynical smile of me. Saya tidak anti kamu sebab saya pernah rasa kamu cute dulu tapi saya rasa sedikit annoyed dengan sikap kamu wahai encik. Sila jangan buat ini kepada orang lain sekiranya tidak mahu diumpat seluruh kampus kerana kamu adalah seorang MPP. OK?)

Enough said, we continued with the lesson. The class ended at about 7pm and you know what, we were left with another five topics for teaching speaking. Due to the schedule that all of us agreed before, we are going to start with teaching listening first since we have fully covered throughout the topics but my beloved lecturer; the one with the American accent I used to adore (jika kamu curious untuk tahu tentang dia, klik di sini) changed it as for her, she wanted it to be in sequence of teaching listening and followed by teaching speaking and the circle goes on like that. So my point here is how I am going to prepare for my lesson plan if we have not covered the whole chapter? Does this suppose to mean that I have to read those on my own? (And I am very positive that the answer is yes, and even if I say this out to her, I am quite certain that she will insist me to read on my own, what do I expect from her since I am an adult learner right?) But what is the purpose of finishing it an hour before I present my micro teaching for I have to prepare all the things earlier, what does she expect me to do when she does not finish up with her teaching, it’s like she is leaving me with another half of the syllabus on my own, then I will prepare it on my own, and the very minute before I present is exactly when she is going to finish up the syllabus. Apakah? Can you see that?

One more issue that I would like to point is of the time allocation. It should be thirty minutes initially but she’s cutting it into fifteen minutes, and not to go beyond that. It’s a firm reminder. In speaking, we need interactions and it has a few procedures that you should not neglect as well as the stages that should be included in the activity I am about to carry out, the presentation stage, the practice stage as well as the production stage. So to make it into fifteen minutes from a thirty minutes session is quite ambitious I would say, but still possible to achieve (and even if it is impossible, I have to make it into realization since it is exactly the time that was allocated to me. What choice do I have anyway?) So I conclude that my life is miserable. I don’t bother to mention of my PTE assignment that I have to complete during this hari raya. And I can also conclude that my hari raya will be filled with not only joy (without the baju raya, oh great!) but also with darling assignments. Cruel Monday. Cruel People. Cruel World. Thank you.

Subject does not matter

2008-09-22T02:35:00.004+08:00

Melihat akan blog yang telah di 'removed' kan itu (walaupun bukan untuk pertama kalinya) membuatkan saya menggelengkan kepala dan memejamkan mata sambil menarik nafas dalam-dalam. Sungguh tak cool la perasaan ini. Haisyy.

Of This and That

2008-09-20T22:18:00.003+08:00

Of this and that would be a mixture of stories that happened to me this week. My life turned upside down. I don’t know why. At times I can be overjoyed with happiness and it can turn the other way round in a blink of eyes. I don’t know why. I went out yesterday and along the way I saw a boy who I think very much like my younger brother, Nami and that made me miss him. I have not gotten the chance to kiss both my brothers the last time I departed home because Wan was sleeping in his room, I don’t want to disturb his beautiful sleep plus he was injured due to an accident, a minor one I would say but the injury would cause such pain I bet, while Nami was away for his tuition class for he will be sitting for his PMR this year. I miss them both. I have had a few YM sessions with my youngest sister so I guess we catch up with each other quite well.

Lately, I am easily disturbed. What I mean here is my emotion. You say it wrong, you get me cry all night long. (Quietly, of course.) I don’t know why. It’s very easy to make me cry. Maybe I should not get envy with people. Maybe I should not get involve in things I am in now. Maybe I should not miss that someone. Maybe I should not cry. Or maybe I should not think too much.

It’s very hard for me to get my girlfriends companion lately as they are just too busy with their boyfriends and some of them are being anti-social, that they do not want to have fun anymore. No more girls-day-out. As for my course mates, I am aware that we are having like a bundle of assignments to complete within this week but come on girls, chill! I am not a kind of person who can stay at home 24/7, and study. That’s very not me. As for my school mates, most of them are either working or doing their internship now, so the chance for us to go out and have a blast during weekdays is very low. I do not have any problem to get my boy friends’ company, (I always think that being a guy is much much easier and simpler that guys can go out any time they want with no worries at all) but I am seriously not in the mood to have a day out with them at the moment, all I want is my girl friends.

Now I do not feel like writing. I thought of going out tomorrow. If I am not able to get my girl friends to accompany me, I will still be going, alone. That’s it, what options do I have anyway? You tell me. As for now, I am going to finish up my baby assignment (credit to Ddiey, I like the way she acknowledges her assignments with the word “baby”) on Macro-counseling, a letter to any theorist that I favor. I have not decided yet on which theory I would opt for but I will let you know once I have decided. I thought of sharing my poems for Apresiasi Sastera that I composed with the help of my darling housemates Rose and Kerie. Thank you for the helpful hands. I will post it some day, insyaAllah. It is hope that I will be able to finish up writing the letter by tonight. Bye.

Bitterness

2008-09-14T17:37:00.006+08:00

Hi. It’s been a while since my last post. I am just too busy with this frustrating and hectic life here. There’re a lot of bad things that happened to me lately. I was quite stressed out. But everything will be fine, I am a big big girl now and I am quite flexible, don’t I? Let’s recap what’s happening for the last two weeks. For last two weeks on Tuesday I was having my PTE test. It used to be a test with MCQ plus essay questions [I am basing my point on the past years’ test papers] but my lecturer gave us a-whole-MCQ test so, hooray! But do you know that MCQ tends to overemphasize on particular facts? So it ended up to be not-that-easy test. It’s just that you can guess and circle down the answers without leaving it blank. It’s either just-your-luck or too-bad. That’s all.

Then, the next Wednesday, I was having my MTLS test. This is like the worst part of the week. The moment she stepped in the class, it’s already 830 am which it is exactly the time the test should be started. [oh yes, my lecturer is a SHE, the one that I should say I adore by the first class because of the American accent she’s having where initially I would really like to sound like American but once I have studied about the British accent in my Phonetic and Phonology class and how prestigious it can be, I was like living in the middle of it, I don’t know which should I adopt. I used to have a lecturer last semester who is having like a beautiful British accent; she speaks almost like the broadcasters of BBC, and she’s really enthusiastic that she dedicates her life to the language and she sticks on her schedule closely, which means she is punctual, she starts and ends class on time, I once had been penalized not to sign the attendance sheet because I was five minutes late but it’s OK to me since she made it in a funny way, I was not humiliated. Plus there were like a squad of us late that Friday morning. Hehs. Oh yeah, I was telling about this lecturer and her American accent that I have started to hate because she is such a lousy one. Sorry that I have ever wrote it here. I am just expressing what I felt for you, Dr. Z.] And then she said “In the holy month of Ramadhan, I am giving you an open-book test. This happens during Ramadhan, only Ramadhan. It means that you can refer to your book but not to plagiarize.” “Madam, I didn’t bring along my book.” said one of my friends. Do you know the reply? “Too bad if you don’t have your book with you. You cannot borrow your friends’ book.” katanya bersama nada dan muka yang sangat annoying.

Why didn’t she mention it earlier? Yuyu, Rose and I were about to leave our books at home because it’s a test, there’s no use to bring your book along with you since you cannot do anything with the book practically even if you are having it with you, because it’s a TEST! And I would rather have my beautiful sleep than trying my best to memorize the whole text book, yes the whole book. Did I ever mention it here that reading and memorizing text books are like big pressure to me? I’d rather be given a book full of calculation than stuck with reading subjects. Hell I hate it! Alright, there went the test. After about 25 minutes, she said “Alright, you have another fifteen minutes.” And I was like Oh, she might be misspoken it, it’s the holy month of Ramadhan right? She kept on interrupting us with her voice saying this and that which I think she should not be saying because it’s really annoying; we really need a peaceful place to live in. And there’s a bang in my head when she said “You have exactly five minutes. You should wrap up your point now.” At that moment I have just started working on my second essay and her voice kept buzzing my head when she kept on reminding us every single minute that the test is going to end soon. “You have another one minute left. Finish your last sentence. OK, time’s up!”

I was running out of time, not because of me or my poor time management, but it’s because of her! She let us start ten minutes late and ended it ten minutes earlier! Obviously it was HER fault, not mine. I felt like crying the moment I passed up my paper, seriously. At least she should be telling us earlier that she's going to cut down the time so that we can divide and manage our time accordingly. I really don’t mind if I do not know how to answer the questions because it is my fault that I don’t read the book and end up fail to answer the questions but it really disturbs me when I know the answer, I have all the knowledge I need to answer the questions, but I was not given the time I deserve to answer it. It’s really not fair! The test should be completed within an hour but she’s giving us like forty minutes to complete it. She’s violating our rights. Once the papers were collected, she asked us how’s the test and she said “Oh haven’t I told you that open-book test can be tougher? Though you have all the materials with you, you still will not be getting full marks because you tend to copy everything from the book, hence you will go overtime.” Excuse me! Overtime?! I was making the sourest face the time she spoke this. I was really pissed off!

On the same day, I’ve had my assessment of Meeting class, it was a problem solving where a group of us were given a situation and we have to discuss and provide the solutions to it. It went well except for the fact that my lecturer was not happy with my voice projection. She said that I have spoken too softly and I told her that it is my nature to speak that way, I’ve tried my best [because that was the loudest of me, I hate to speak out loud, it requires me more energy, and I hate people to speak out loud, and shout at me or something] and she said that if I am about to teach at school, only the front line will be able to hear me, and I’ll be losing the rest of class. I told her I’ll try harder [just to make her happy] without letting her know that I’m not going to teach anyway. I was not disappointed with the comment, it's not a big deal, at all. I’m used to it. Since I was in secondary school, it aroused, and this happened to be quite frequent. Luckily she’s satisfied with my language as well as the points I have made.

Then went the weekends. It was OK, just an OK. For this week, I was having my Arabic test on Thursday. Not that bad. And we were told to be having a Career Counseling test on Friday but it was cancelled last minute, oh like always. [if you know what I mean] I was quite angry that I have to delay my journey home just because of the test but then it was cancelled. Alright, it was delayed anyway. Then, I should attend my Apresiasi Sastera on Wednesday [it's not the class I ever dreamt to be in but I have to because the other co curricular subjects were fully occupied, so the nine of us, OK, it's actually most of education faculty students were left with no choice, that we have to join either Debat Bahasa Melayu or Apresiasi Sastera, so the nine of us, six girls and the other three boys joined this Apresiasi Sastera. I thought of joining Families in Islam at the first place.] but since everybody’s not going, the girls I mean, because we will be having our third language test the next day, so I ended up absent too. And we were asked to attend to the class on Saturday too. This made me angry. Real angry. Let me tell you something. It’s my co curricular subject which means it’s not that important plus it’s only a credit hour class but they are making it into two hours each session and yet the lecturer is making it into four hours just because he is so enthusiastic in appreciating the Sastera, the Sastera that does not make any sense to me, I was just wasting my time and he wanted us to appreciate and feel it the same way he did and now he’s making it like it is the agenda of our lives. Excuse me, I have a point to make here. Let me just remind you that I have another seven subjects that equal to nineteen hours to catch up and those need more attention than this ridiculous subject. Nonsense!

And now here comes the hardest part of my life, so far. It’s been three weeks already for this someone I treasure to be missing without a trace. I don’t know why. Why did my life turn miserable all of sudden? In this holy month of Ramadhan? To that someone, if you ever crossed this page, I would like to say I am sorry if I did anything wrong. Really hope to hear from you soon.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Last Monday I realized that there’s a profile on Friendster was created using my details. I was shocked to see that. I have heard of it happened before but I never thought it would ever happen to me. I thought of telling my mother of it but I have decided not to because I don’t want her to get paranoid. I am not a superstar to have such a stalker. If you ever know me, you can easily tell that it’s not me. The way she or he is putting the info in it, the words are very not me. That SyAiRa must be addicted to me, she adores me out of I-don’t-know-why, that she wanted to be me so badly, or maybe she just hated me out of I-don’t-know-why too. It’s not a big deal to me [because sooner or later I will get to know the person, as a Muslim, though not a very good one, I believe in Hari Pembalasan] but of course I do care. That person is using my name, my face, my every thing to get to know people. He or she must be sick. Poor people. The world must be mean to her or him. I pray that she or he will be getting what she or he is searching for in life. If that SyAiRa^LaLaLa^ happens to add you, please ignore, that’s not me. I will be using my old account insyaAllah for the rest of my life.

And one more sad news. I don’t have my baju raya yet. It’s pretty sad you know, seeing your other siblings getting their budget on it and you are left with nothing. Now I am staring at the computer and the ceiling blankly. So here I am, having nothing in life. No money, no perfect match, no best friend, definitely nothing at all. I am a complete loser now. B.I.T.T.E.R.N.E.S.S. That's the word.

She and He

2008-08-26T12:28:00.002+08:00

She said ROMANCE, He heard SEX.
Men heard sex over romance of what women said. Why?

Pretty Woman

2008-08-24T18:53:00.009+08:00

It’s been three times for me watching that “Pretty Woman” movie all in a row by Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. [why didn’t they get married in the real world? I wonder, because they seemed to perfectly match each other, seriously.] I’ve memorized a few lines. I pick up lines quite fast you know? (Only if I really put on my concentration towards it, and if I am really into it because I love to mock the script.) I can watch any kind of movies, from all genres. I watch action movies like Terminators, I even watch World Wrestling Federation I tell you though some people may find me a bit girly and fragile. I am. But I can adapt with any genre quite well. You know what, not so many movies do impress me. Even the Transformers is not a “Wow” to me, I am not going to watch my Batman over and over again though I am his biggest fan, but this one is really something.

This “Pretty Woman” is full of extravaganzas. It’s a very simple movie, I mean you don’t have to work on your brain that hard to understand the storyline but it somehow managed to capture my attention and hard to admit that I was touched by the movie. Haisy. So typical lady I am becoming. I am emotional; in fact I am very emotional that I am easily carried away by my emotion, of what I see, of what you say and what not. It’s really a fuss to be an emotional person you know since your emotions are easily disrupted, you tend to have mixed-up emotions at one time and it might take a while just to stabilize back the emotions. Concerning that, I would avoid watching movies that involve death, break-ups, and all those sentiments that are high in capability to provoke sadness because to watch that kind of movies might ruin my mood, possibly for the whole day! (Violation as in WWF does not affect me much somehow, I don’t know why.) And bad-mouthed girls are a big No-No too, never welcomed. I repeat, never welcomed.Shoo! Shoo!

That Edward Lewis is my dream! He’s exactly someone I have in my mind to be with because he is someone who is very high in life, he’s successful and yet he’s appreciative. Except for the fact that he's too workaholic that he hardly finds time to enjoy and have a break. I used to think that money is everything, it's like you can buy the whole world if you have money but I admit that money is not everything now but it has an important role to play. I've grown up with experiences (too personal to mention it here) that made me changed the schema I am having of money in my mind. But again, we cannot defeat the fact that we need money to live our life as the way we want it to be. I mean, you cannot live with love boldly, you need money to buy you food, money is needed to own you a place to live in, to buy a car, you need money for this and that too. Like me, I really hope that I will manage to live my life up to my expectation. (I've already had certain expectations to fulfill in life but again, I think it's quite personal to share it here, sorry.) Plus the look that would drive any woman crazy. (but the look does not really work on me. The personality does matter, that's what I'll look into more and take into account.) Not to mention the spells to melt the heart too. (And oww, I’ve started to use the word “woman”! That shows I am older now and I am expected to be wise enough in every single thing. Welcome me, adulthood!) He treats women well, that's for sure. I bet women will always longing for a guy like him. Good looking, with handsome amount of money, and charming as well. I always dream for fairytales, just like Vivien but hey, fairytales will always be fairytales, they are just too good to be true. They remain that way and yes, they DO NOT EXIST! I mean is a man like Edward Lewis really exist? Is a man with the list of Brian Adam’s songs really exist? Dream on, I know. And even if he does, he’s already taken. Sheeeesh. So, no point. So my point here is that I would like to recommend you people to watch this movie (or maybe I’m a bit too late since it was released on March 23rd, 1990, two days before my fourth birthday, Geee) and should I say it’s the best comedy-and-romance movie I have ever watched in my life. (But some say I exaggerate.) *rolling eyes*

My Perfect Match

2008-08-14T01:46:00.004+08:00

Before I sleep, this someone always makes attempts to be in my mind. OK, I am fooling around. It’s me that always keep this someone in my mind. I just can’t help myself. He is heaven to me. I have those butterflies in my stomach just to hear his name buzzing in my head and my mind and my heart. (Gedik, belajar pun tak habis lagi, haisyy, Shame on me.) There was one night that I could not sleep, I have tried so hard to sleep and still I was not able to sleep. That led me to boredom, that I was bored to death and so, I turned back my computer on and browsed through the net and look at me, I've found something which is interesting to me. (I’ve bumped into this site before, but it seems even more attractive now.) It's an application that enables you to key in your name and your partner's to see the potential likeability of you and your partner, to see how well that you and your partner suit each other. I've browsed thru that "love calculator" too, but it's just too boring, too stereotype. This one is a brand new thing I bet. It allows you to find your perfect match if you are about to marry one [though I know that I will always be your perfect match, in any way, my dear Mr.] Thus, I keyed in that Mr’s name and mine and look at me darling, we perfectly complement each other! I'm so glad that I found such a wonderful application. I am certain that you want to know what it says about me and that Mr.

There appears a love shape with 99% next to it. [and it’s 99 ok. I repeat people, it’s 99. And what would you ask more?] And then it says
" Congratulations Mr.! You and Syaira are the perfect match! You will live happily for a few months and then Syaira will stab you in your sleep, and you will die without any pain. I told you, your relationship is really nice. I mean, what can a man demand more than a death without pain? Maybe some crisps? Mmmm, crisps, really tasty shit, isn't it? Oh, and some good old coke as well. God, I'm off to drink coke and eat crisps. Oh, and we cannot forget some juices. Icecold juices, mmmm. Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot you. Ah well, you die, I eat crisps. Fair enough, huh? Oh, die without any pain, don't forget that."

Isn't that cool people? hehs. Seriously, I do think it’s cool, cool enough to amuse me and I ended up sleeping at 4.30 a.m. late enough to let me to get that panda eyes in the morning (is it what you call it when you get that dark circles around your eyes?) and made me being semi conscious in the counseling class that morning *sigh* (this internet connection seriously could put you into troubles if you do not utilize it wisely, like what I did, like what I always do. So beware of your internet connection or u might end up like me, sitting for hours browsing thru nothing for almost everyday!)

[note: I put the real name in that column of "the guy" and "the girl" and there are some changes that I purposely made to make it parallel with my values like the "juices" is actually the "beers" and "God" instead of "Jesus" but the rest would be exactly what it says. And the URL? I am not telling! nanananana~~]

nayy,, kidding!
kindly visit http://www.heavygames.com/checkyourmatch/playgame.asp

Career Counseling

2008-07-28T22:28:00.006+08:00

Today in my career counseling class I have learnt two approaches; Trait and Factor Theory as well as Ann Roe Theory. From my understanding, Trait and Factor Theory highlights two terms trait—a characteristic of an individual that can be measured through testing, it’s an internal element within oneself, and factor—a characteristic required for successful job performances where it’s an external element like environment for instance. This theory says that genetic factors are far more important than environmental factors to shape one’s personality with about three quarter of their variance being accounted for by heredity and the rest by the environment. The significant? It’s when you know what you are, what traits you inherit from your family, it will later determine your career path. I don’t know how far this theory works but maybe it can be interpreted this way. When both father and mother of Albert are teachers, Albert will have the tendency to become a teacher when he grows up since he inherits the genetic of teacher, the characteristics of a teacher to be precise. I don’t know. I was a bit lost of this theory actually.

Another theory that we discussed was Ann Roe Theory. This theory gives emphasis on how parenting styles as in early relation with family could affect the career direction of oneself. The two parenting styles are accepting parents where good rapport exists between parents and the children and this will result in the choice of career of the children in the future where that person is said to have the tendency to opt for person oriented occupation while the rejecting parents will result in the child to go for a non-person oriented occupation; that person would prefer to work with machines for example, rather than human being.

Learning both theories makes me wonder which theory suits me most. I have gotten enough care and attention from my parent, and yet I am still not into teaching (though I’m doing B.ed TESL. I have completed a year of foundation and I am now in my final semester of the second year, I have about four semesters to go and having that B.ed is actually a license to teach, just like what my Dean of the faculty told us during the “Majlis Amanat Dekan”. We even sang “Guru Malaysia” song to get that spirit of becoming a teacher but still I don’t have much enthusiasm towards teaching. I would say I have developed only about 30% of my interest towards teaching along the way and it’s really something to me to gain that much interest since I am not into teaching at all when I first step in the institution for the last two and a half years. I bet that’s the highest percentage I could achieve and it will remain that way. I enjoy myself being with people, human being I would say, but to engage myself in a career which requires me to deal with people, to teach to be precise is quite a No-No to me, and should I highlight that dealing with people will never be an easy task.) FYI, teaching can be considered as one of the person oriented occupation. To look at my family from both my father and mother side, they are from various career fields; they involve in business, they involve in art things, they are teachers, engineers, lawyers, doctors to name a few. So I don’t know which theory I belong to actually. I reckon human being as unique and yet complicated. And I believe that none of the theory could fit each and every one of us precisely because we human being are unique in our own ways. But I don’t know. It’s just my opinion.

F.O.R.E.V.E.R, is there such thing?

2008-07-19T18:22:00.013+08:00

As I flip through my old-little-green-diary that I wrote back in Kuantan when I was doing my pre-degree, (it's a writing project where my writing lecturer did ask all of us to write up a diary where when it comes to the finale, it will be collected and we will be graded based on the writings of those diaries, she called it journal and we will be gaining 20% of our marks from it but unfortunately, she did not collect it, she don't even have a look at it. There were only two or three times in the classroom that she asked for a volunteer to read up the diary and I did volunteer myself once. I was annoyed at first because I've put such a lot of efforts to write such a diary. I never kept a diary before. A well-organized one, I mean. But somehow, I am thankful to her, because I have started to build and develop a good writing habit from there. Thank you, Madam B!). then I saw one of the lyrics in the lyrics section. I have a few sections within the diary; the life that I am engaging with, the people, the future as well as the lyrics for thought, a little bit of this and that, and what not. I guess it's not something new to be shared. It's the "Only Hope" song by Mandy Moore from A Walk To Remember.

::There's a song that's inside of my soul::It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again::I'm awake in the infinite cold::But you sing to me over and over and over again::So I lay my head back down::And I lift my hands::And pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I know now you're my only hope::Sing to me the song of the stars::Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again::When it feels like my dreams are so far::Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again::So I lay my head back down::And I lift my hands::And pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I know now you're my only hope::I give you my destiny::I'm giving you all of me::I want your symphony::Singing in all that I am::At the top of my lungs::I'm giving it back::So I lay my head back down::And I lift my hands::And pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I pray to be only yours::I know now you're my only hope::

S.W.E.E.T. isn't it? I still would cry myself everytime I watch the movie, though it's been like a hundred times I've been watching it. The same thing goes when I watch 50 First Dates. Is there such thing? I mean does that "I'll love you, forever" really exist? We know forevers come and gone. At least I notice. Nothing could last forever, I suppose. Or am I too realistic? I leave you with the thoughts.

[note: Another song that I keep on repeating and listening to for the last 24hours until now is "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.

It makes me feel happy inside.
It makes me feel loved.
It makes me feel so right.

I feel like lari-lari, golek-golek tengah padang, just like when I listen to "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Ritcher. Pretty cool, it is :) ]

Coffee Break!

2008-07-16T13:05:00.004+08:00

Hi!

Since I was having such a bad day for almost everyday lately, I have decided to give myself a break. I strongly believe that pampering and rewarding myself after a long day will build a stronger me, seriously. I’m longing for a cup of coffee and a piece of serenity. Real in need of it. So my dear cousin fetched me at my place, after a long-bad-day at the main campus, on weekend (Oh yeah, I define weekends as days for peace and serenity, should not be bothered by other things like meetings or registrations or anything else regarding academic matters, days for me to do things I like, and I hate my weekends to be interrupted by those matters mentioned, please!) for that so-called “tranquil session” just like before, together with my two other friends; both Miss A and Miss A (Amalina and Adibah are the names) and we had a wonderful day. Thank you to Kak Ayu for the treat. The next day I was still in the same mood, so I went for a coffee break with my darling, yuyu and we had a great session too! And should I say that I was having the same thing, for both separated sessions. Hehs. And glad to mention, we are thankful to God for The Senior and the treat. *sesi bodek* Thank you everybody for these two great days. And no more Bad Day, please.

Registration oh Registration

2008-07-11T20:41:00.009+08:00

I’m pissed off when it comes to registration. Really pissed off. Both online and manual registration. Just imagine this situation. You have limited places to fit yourself in, you are restricted to join things you like, they have this guidelines saying that you can only join this and that which are none of your interest, at all, you are bounded to the dateline as well, and you are suddenly discriminated by the system, barring you from registering yourself online. OK, you are barred out of nothing, you never did anything wrong, you didn’t involve in any disciplinary problem, you have paid the fees, all of the fees, should I say you’ve excelled with flying colors too, and yet you are still barred to register a few subjects online due to some technical problems (that’s the so-called reason the administration will give to you when it comes to such problems, it’s always like that and it seems like they did nothing to fix it). Fine. Then you go for manual way of registration. You have lined up for hours, just to get the registration form, then some more hours to get the approval (not to mention the ridiculous questions that bothered you along the way of getting approval as well as the look that might piss you off). Having gone through such a long day, when you think it’s done, suddenly you have been told that your name are kicked from the system, again, out of nothing! And that carries the meaning that they can do nothing and you have to wait again and take the course next semester. WTH? (Pardon my language, people). And this is again brings the meaning that you have waited for nothing, wasted your precious time, for nothing! yes, NOTHING! (and YES, my time is PRECIOUS) And it happened to me for the last semester, and it seems to happen again this semester! AGAIN! Could you imagine how it feels like? I feel like screaming myself out of my anxiety, craziness, madness to name a few. Why don’t they fix this stupid technical problem? These problems are predicted, I mean it’s repeated over and over again. It has a pattern! Why can’t they just see that? We students are suffering! We are the victims of the system, the stupid system! And if you have to go for a manual way, then you have to line up for hours or even worse, for days just to get yourself registered (like when I was applying for my PTPTN, have you remembered of that, kawan kawan? As well as for the registration of co curriculum. And not to forget when we have to wait for a long run for the coupon as the approval of getting involve in activities). Those are the inconveniency and distractions that could be avoided if the administration ever learn and make an effort for a better change and a smoother flow.

[note: Qasiyh, I wish I could be like you, just like you, smacking those people with stupid reasons, it’s just that in my case they are all quite nice, at least the majority of them, but they did nothing, they even gave me the wrong information just to get myself involve in even more complications. They are doing SHIT. That’s all I could see, for now. And I don’t know if my friends are OK with that. I am NOT].

What a bad start!

A Start

2008-06-19T03:57:00.000+08:00

Hi, people!

It took me an age to decide whether to start blogging or not. And since I have promised myself to start blogging and it was listed in my to-do list for my New Year’s Make-A-Wish, so here I am, blogging! (Finally!) Announcing that I am a newborn in this arena of blog thing, with the hope that you people would really lend me your helpful hands and food of thoughts in order to make this blog colorful, entertaining and yet, beneficial. It is also hope that by having this blog, I could improve myself in many ways, like in language aspects for example, to make an all-rounded me into realization and to make this world a better place to live in (or at least to make this blog as a stop for peace and serenity, ececeh ) Quite ambitious but still it’s possible to achieve,right? *Winking*

I have such a lot of things to share and I feel that I have enough time to explain my thoughts and feeling (since it’s semester break) but I am too afraid of what people might see me as. I am afraid that we don’t really share the same values in life. I don’t want to sound awkward if I post something that totally against others’ values. I want to be accepted in a way that we are treasuring at least quite a same belief or at least make me feel OK of sharing something, not to make me feel bad for having that kind of thought. We people do need approval. So do I. What a poor thing!

Before I end up writing this blog, there were such a bunch of things that I have put into consideration. I always ask myself if it’s OK to share my personal things in this blog, say maybe to share a little bit of my interest in committing myself into serious relationship for instance. But it’s pretty much like giving people a full access to your life and your secret will never be a secret anymore, and the whole world now make known of it and there’s no more privacy for you. I really want to share a few things that are happening in my life so that I can have feedbacks in terms of opinion and advice; hence I will be having a wider view into things. But this one thing disturbs me most. It’s about my potential reader. What if the potential readers of this blog are people that know me well? What if the things that I’ll post are related to them? What would they say? How about their perception? Would they be OK with the fact that I have that kind of thoughts and perception towards them? Would they take it as what it is? Why oh why am I so in denial? Or maybe I am thinking too much. Am I?

I am a person with full of doubts. I am afraid that I’ll bore everyone to death. I doubt what to share in this blog. If possible, I would like to post something that is beneficial to every one of us, not to talk merely about the same boring things, too stereotype. But when I think back, it’s me myself that in need of satisfaction, It’s me myself that I want to impress, not others. I am writing out of my passion and for myself satisfaction. And it’s my blog anyway. I am free to write whatever I like regardless of anything. Maybe I am just too busy to please people all these while. I’ll stop doing that. You may have your view on things and I’ll respect that but I may not agree with you, and I’ll have my own too. That’s how life likes!

So here, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance, to the people that I might end up writing things about them in the future. I just can’t help myself from writing about you people, that we are related in such ways and I just can’t avoid it to happen. I hope that you people really don’t mind of what I am going to write. I have decided to write things that I like and I have decided that I want to make this blog as a platform for me to express myself, to reveal the very true of me. Pardon me. Now that I have to stop here. Till then.